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211: A Mens Breakfast Like No Other

Breakfast with a friend

\\xa0A few weeks ago my friend Randy was in town for the Christmas holiday. We used to go to the same church, but his job change meant a move to Pittsburgh. He and his wife are still closely connected with friends they have back in Wisconsin where I live, and they try to get back here at least once a year to see everyone.

Before Randy got to town he texted me and asked if we could meet during his Christmas visit to Wisconsin. It\\u2019s always an invitation I cannot turn down. So we got together for breakfast one morning. We caught up on each other\\u2019s lives in ways that seemed like he had never moved away, even though it\\u2019s been almost 9 years. That\\u2019s the way it is with good friends you haven\\u2019t seen in a while.

When it came time to order, I chose eggs. Randy ordered a waffle.

This unimportant event reminded me of waffles in a more significant context that Randy and I were part of several years ago. I\\u2019ll you about it. It\\u2019s my Men with Waffles story.

This calls for a men\'s breakfast

It happened during the time I was teaching an adult Sunday school class at our church. Randy and his wife Kathy were part of that class. My story picks up after the class took a break for Christmas one year. We resumed shortly after the new year, and at the beginning of that first class of the year, we chatted about how everyone\\u2019s Christmas went. It was then we all discovered something unusual.\\xa0

Five men in our class of about 30-35 received a waffle maker for a Christmas gift. All of the waffle maker recipients were husbands, which to me seemed a high parentage of the class to have received this uncommon Christmas gift. I don\\u2019t think any of the wives collaborated on these gifts for their husbands. \\xa0

Although I did hear a rumor of an unmarked white box car parked near the church one day, selling shrimp, pictures of Elvis on black velvet, and \\u2026 waffle makers. It\\u2019s just a rumor, so don\\u2019t quote me on it.

Anyway, here we have 5 guys with brand-new waffle makers. It just seemed fitting that we needed to do something to note this out-of-the-ordinary event. So I talked it over with my wife, Janet, and got her okay to host a men\\u2019s breakfast at our house where the 5 men with their new waffle makers would bring them and make waffles for all the guys in our class.

Event planning

We set a date for a Saturday morning that most all of the men could attend. Those with the waffle makers were to bring them and all the necessary ingredients to serve everyone.\\xa0 In addition to waffle batter, guys brought fresh strawberries, whipped cream, sausages, and orange juice. I supplied coffee, plates, and utensils.

It was a feast!

In planning for this men\'s breakfast, I wanted to add a little structure to it that went beyond just men with waffles sitting around and talking for a few hours about what men usually talk about when women aren\\u2019t around. You know, their children, their mother, and what they were making for supper that night. Things like that.

So here\\u2019s what I did. I set up an easel with a flip chart with pages of blank butcher paper about 2\\xbd by 3\\u2019\\xa0 in size.\\xa0 And before we started the waffle extravaganza, I said to the guys something along the lines of\\xa0

Sometime this morning, in between eating your waffles, I\\u2019d like each of you to come over to this easel, take a marker and write down on the butcher paper one thing you appreciate about your wife. One sheet of paper per guy, then rip off the paper when you\\u2019re done. When we finish eating we\\u2019ll go around and each person gets to share what they wrote.

With that, the waffle-making commenced. I thought the men who were not making waffles would come over right away to write something on the paper. They didn\\u2019t. not one.

Was this men\'s breakfast a mistake?

\\u201cOh great, I thought. This is surely going to bomb. They just want their waffles and nothing more. What was I thinking? How embarrassing. What a dumb idea.\\u201d

Well, at least the waffle makers will get a proper inauguration, and everyone will be fed, I thought. I must say, the waffles with all the trimmings were magnificent! My friend Randy was there and he will testify to it. They were far more impressive than the waffle he ordered at our recent breakfast.

I made sure to take photos of the whole event. I\\u2019d be happy to show them to you after dinner at your house sometime. Wednesdays work best for me, though I\\u2019m flexible. The last time I mentioned this one of our listeners actually had Janet and me for a delicious soup supper.\\xa0 It was on a Saturday evening, so you see I am flexible.

Anyway, as we were eating and talking I tried not to think about how no one was going over to the easel to write anything. But then to my relief, the guys did start to trickle over to the easel to do what I asked, like slow drops of water dripping off an icicle on your roof when its 34 degrees outside.

What husbands wrote

Slowly, one by one they came. Each one writing down one thing they appreciated about their wife, then ripping off the paper and rolling it up to take with them.

As we finished eating our waffles (did I mention it was a gastronomic delight?) and then cleaning up the kitchen, we found our way into our living room. With everyone seated, I then asked each guy to show what they wrote.

Mike wrote, \\u201cI appreciate how Vicki plans fun things and makes everything more fun!\\u201d

Bill wrote, \\u201cI love Rachel\\u2019s tender lovingkindness\\u201d

Scott\\u2019s butcher paper read in big bold letters, \\u201cI appreciate how Marci makes me laugh after a stressful day t work.\\u201d

Dick wrote this about his wife, \\u201cI appreciate Kathy for her loving and caring nature.\\u201d

Gregg\\u2019s sheet of paper read, \\u201cI appreciate Marian\\u2019s sense of adventure and insights into relationships.\\u201d

Another Mike in our group wrote, \\u201cI appreciate Gail\\u2019s sense of humor and her ability to make me laugh.\\u201d

Brad wrote, \\u201cI appreciate Elizabeth\\u2019s steadiness and her reality check.\\u201d

Randy, our friend who later moved to Pittsburgh, wrote, \\u201cI appreciate Kathy\\u2019s genuine faith and her love for our daughter Molly.\\u201d

And then I wrote, \\u201cI appreciate Janet\\u2019s sky blue eyes, her wisdom, and her love for our kids and grandchildren.

There was one more from Allen, which I will tell you about in a minute.

After everyone shared what they appreciated about their wives, guys hung around for a while and then left.

The men\\u2019s breakfast aftermath

With everyone gone, I then went through all the photos I took and arranged them in a slide presentation to show the next morning in our Sunday School class so the wives could see what their husbands wrote.\\xa0 There were photos of making the waffles, candid shots of men sitting around talking, and most importantly, an individual photo of each husband holding up a large piece of paper on which he wrote something he appreciated about his wife.

To the photos in the slideshow, I added a soundtrack. A recording of the late Nat King Cole singing \\u201cUnforgettable,\\u201d with his daughter Natalie Cole dubbed in to accompany him to create a romantic ballad duet.

So imagine you\\u2019re a woman in this class and you see this slide presentation of what these men wrote, accompanied by Natalie Cole and her late father singing \\u201cUnforgettable.\\u201d

So many \\u201coohs\\u201d and \\u201cah\\u2019s.\\u201d The loudest of which came at the end when the photo of Allen appeared and what he appreciated about his wife. Allen was a man of few words. \\xa0I think it\\u2019s fair to say he was the quietest man in our church. On his butcher paper he wrote in large bold letters simply, \\u201cI appreciate Carol.\\u201d

He couldn\\u2019t bring himself to name just one thing he appreciated about his wife, it was Carol in her totality that he appreciated. The ladies loved it.

A men\\u2019s breakfast with a purpose

Now you might be thinking why would I do such a thing? I mean what does our men with waffles breakfast have to do with church and studying the bible?\\xa0 My answer is everything. Everything in the 12th chapter of the Book of Romans, especially verse 10 where the apostle Paul writes, \\u201cLove each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.\\u201d

Our class had been studying Romans 12 and what we did at our men with waffles breakfast was one way we could honor the wives in our class - to express what we appreciate about them.

So how about you?

There are so many ways we can honor people. It benefits the other person, certainly. But it also can bring a measure of delight into the person doing the honoring.\\xa0

It\\u2019s another way to spread a little relational sunshine around the people we meet. It sparks joy in both them and you. Above all, it reflects the character of God. It\\u2019s part of God\\u2019s character to bless us, to affirm us, and we can do the same thing with others.

And you don\\u2019t have to organize a men\'s breakfast like I did. You can honor someone like Randy did with me by saying, \\u201cHey, you want to get together? I\\u2019d like to spend some time with you.\\u201d\\xa0 It\\u2019s that simple. And it\\u2019s that profound.

Closing

As we close up shop for today, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to think of a way you can bless and honor someone by telling them what you appreciate about them.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And of course, especially this week, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior and most recent episode

210: Word of the Year for 2024: Curious

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.\\xa0

Donate

Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.\\xa0

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

Listed in: religion

210: Word of the Year for 2024 - Curious

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.\\xa0

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Missed opportunities when we\\u2019re not curious about people

I\\u2019m just about finished reading David Brooks\\u2019 latest book, How to Know a Person\\xa0 - The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. He\\u2019s a columnist for The New York Times and The Atlantic, and also a commentator you see every now on then on the PBS NewsHour.

I\\u2019m really enjoying his book and gave several copies of it to family members this past Christmas. At some point down the road I\\u2019ll do a review of the whole book, but for now, I\\u2019ll mention one paragraph that jumped out at me. The author tells the story of what happened to him at a dinner party when he was engaged in conversation with some interesting people.\\xa0

Brooks mentioned conversations like this come naturally to him because his job as a journalist involves interviewing people, asking them questions, and otherwise drawing them out. After the party on the way home, he was reflecting on the conversations he had. And while they were certainly fascinating, they left him feeling empty.

He commented that here he was asking all kinds of questions of these interesting people, but no one was curious about anything in his life. No one asked him any questions at all. Not one. Nada. Zilch. \\xa0

He didn\\u2019t mention it in this context, but Brooks as a columnist for two world-class publications, the author of several best-selling books, and a TV commentator - has lived a fascinating life himself. He\\u2019s traveled the world in connection with his job and has interviewed several US presidents and rulers of other countries.\\xa0 Yet no one was curious to ask him any questions.\\xa0

How sad for Brooks, and even sadder for the people he engaged with at the party.\\xa0 They missed out.

\\u201cI\\u2019m curious about them, but they\\u2019re not with me\\u201d

Shortly after I read this section in Brooks\\u2019 book, one of my grandsons shared a similar story. A few months ago he started his first job out of college in a position he really loves. Plus, he is enjoying getting to know the people he works with. He is much younger than any of his colleagues, but they have taken him under their wings. Two\\xa0 women in particular go walking together on their lunch hour and they invited my grandson to join them. He describes his relationship with these ladies like this:

\\u201cI don\\u2019t think they realize how much younger I am than them [he\\u2019s 21]. They\\u2019re probably in their late 30s or early 40s and have been doing the same job I\\u2019m doing for a dozen years or so. They\\u2019re both moms with young kids in school. And they tell me about all the drama that goes on in their families with their kids. They\\u2019re fun people and I enjoy the time we walk together.

\\u201cBut they don\\u2019t know one thing about me. They never ask me anything about my life.\\u201d

My grandson is a genuinely curious person. He\\u2019s always asking me questions about what\\u2019s going on in my life, and I can easily picture him asking his colleagues about theirs. He\\u2019s quite an engaging person so I can see why they invited him on their walks. These are good people he works with, but they\\u2019re missing out on learning how a person so different from themselves experiences the world.

\\u201cI\\u2019ve even killed people\\u201d

Then there\\u2019s my friend Dick at our church.

We\\u2019re a small group, about 25 of us. As part of our Sunday morning service, after the sermon we discuss what the preacher talked about. The discussions are often lively and quite interesting as people share their experiences as they relate to the sermon.

One Sunday not too long ago, the post-sermon discussion centered on the grace of God. Our little congregation has varying levels of understanding about this topic, based on what people experienced in other churches they\\u2019ve attended in the past.

Near the end of this particular discussion, my friend Dick chimed in. He\\u2019s in frail health, walks with a cane, and has breathing and balance difficulties. He comes to church with a caregiver who looks after him. When he arrives a couple of the women in our group always give him a big hug. His smile lights up the room when they do. Anyway, in a moment of vulnerability here\\u2019s what Dick said in our discussion:

\\u201cI\\u2019m 94 years old and all the things people have just shared are things I\\u2019ve been through myself, and more. But no one ever asks me about them. I mean, I\\u2019ve even killed people.\\u201d

It was a sad moment. A sad moment for our church because Dick has wisdom and experience to share if only people were curious enough to ask. Just saying this reminds me I need to act on my curiosity and engage with Dick more. I\\u2019m certainly interested in his perspective on the spiritual issues we talk about on Sunday morning, but I\\u2019m also curious about his personal life. He grew up during the Depression of the 1930s and I wonder what that was like for him. Oh, and then there\\u2019s that small matter of his comment, \\u201cI\\u2019ve even killed people.\\u201d

A different kind of law professor

I\\u2019ll leave you with one last story about\\xa0being curious. It\\u2019s a positive one about\\xa0

another grandson of mine. Our family was together on Christmas Day and we were catching up on each other\\u2019s lives. My grandson George had just completed his first semester of law school and we were asking him how it went. He talked about each of his courses and the professors who taught them. One of his professors in particular impressed me. George explained him like this:

\\u201cHe memorized every one of our names, and there were 75 of us in the class. He taught two other classes and he did the same thing for those, too.\\xa0

\\u201cThen he had each of us come to his office individually over the course of the semester for a short meeting. He said he just wanted to get to know us better. He asked us about our personal lives, our interests, things like that.\\xa0

\\u201cAnd we got to ask him questions, too. I asked him how he got interested in law in the first place. Then I found out he had a couple of young children, and he told me about his wife, her love of plants, and that he was a big Green Bay Packers fan. No other professor does this. He\\u2019s ranked #2 of all the law school professors on that student-rated website.\\u201d

I\\u2019m really happy George has someone like this in his life, and I hope he gets this same professor again for another class. Not just because he was curious enough to find out more about George as a person, but also because he modeled for him what a relationally intelligent person does. They are curious about the lives of people they interact with.

But if I\\u2019m curious and ask people questions won\\u2019t they think I\\u2019m being nosy?

I\\u2019ll let David Brooks answer this question from his book I mentioned earlier, How to Know a Person. In his chapter entitled \\u201cThe Right Questions\\u201d he writes,

\\u201cWhile doing research for this book, I interviewed many people - seminar leaders, conversation facilitators, psychologists and focus group moderators, biographers and journalists - whose job is to ask people about their lives. I asked these experts how often somebody looks back at them and says, \\xa0

\\u2018None of your d- - - business.\\u2019 Every expert I consulted had basically the same answer:\\xa0 \\u2018Almost never.\\u2019\\u201d

The author goes on to say, \\u201cA 2012 study by Harvard neuroscientists found that people often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money.\\u201d\\xa0 Let that thought sink in for a moment. People often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money.

Brooks concludes with \\u201cOver the course of my career as a journalist I, too, have found that if you respectfully ask people about themselves, they will answer with candor that takes your breath away.\\xa0

\\u201cStuds Terkel was a journalist who collected oral histories over his long career in Chicago. He\\u2019d ask people big questions and then sit back and let their answers unfold. \\u2018Listen, listen, listen, listen, and if you do, people will talk,\\u2019 he once observed. \\u2018They always talk. Why? Because no one has ever listened to them before in all their lives. Perhaps they\\u2019ve not ever listened to themselves.\\u2019

\\u201cEach person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it\\u2019s best to live life in the form of a question.\\u201d

What a beautiful way of describing such a profound observation about the human condition. It takes my breath away.

So what about you?

How curious are you about the people in your life, and do you act on that curiosity? For me, I know now that I need to act on my curiosity about Dick, my 94-year-old-friend from church. I\\u2019ve got to find out where his \\u201cI\\u2019ve killed people\\u201d comment comes from. Not just for my benefit, but for his. There\\u2019s a story locked up within him somewhere that needs to get out to see the light of day.

Imagine what the world would be like if we were all a little more curious about each other. I\\u2019m convinced we\\u2019d all live deeper and richer lives.

So there you have it for the word of the year for 2024. Curious.

I\\u2019ll be coming back to this word and relational skill in future episodes this year. For now, though, at the bottom of the show notes I\\u2019ve listed links to past episodes that touch up the topic of curiosity that you might want to check out.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to become more curious about the people around you, and then to act on that curiosity.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People

073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism?

The most recent episodes

209: The Christmas Story in 2023

208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world.\\xa0

You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

Listed in: religion

209: The Christmas Story In 2023

Listed in: religion

208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

To set the scene for when Mary took time to reflect on all that happened at the first Christmas, I\\u2019ll read a few verses from Luke\\u2019s gospel that tell the story.

They\\u2019re the ones that occur right after Mary gave birth to Jesus. An angel of the Lord had just appeared to a group of shepherds who were on the job out in the fields tending to their sheep. God\\u2019s glory surrounded all of them, having appeared out of nowhere. Quite naturally the shepherds were terrified for they had never seen anything like this.\\xa0

But the angel, a messenger from God, reassured them and told them there\\u2019s nothing to be afraid of because he was there to simply announce that Jesus. the savior, the Messiah the Lord. had been born in Bethlehem. Other angels then appear filling the sky and praising God. What a majestic sight that must have been.

After the angels leave

We\\u2019ll pick up the story in chapter 2 of Luke\\u2019s Gospel, verse 15. Luke writes:

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, \\u201cLet\\u2019s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.\\u201d

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,\\xa0and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.\\xa0

It\\u2019s this last line that has captained me lately, But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

Two important actions going on

There are two important verbs in the sentence I just read, \\u201ctreasured\\u201d and \\u201cpondered.\\u201d at least that\\u2019s how the New International translation renders them.\\xa0 Other translations use the phrase \\u201cMary kept all these things in\\xa0 her heart\\u201d rather than \\u201ctreasure.\\u201d

For the verb \\u201cPondered,\\u201d other translations use \\u201cthought about them often.\\u201d

But the translation I like best is the New International Bible Reader\\u2019s Version\\xa0 which translates Luke 2:19 like this,

But Mary kept all these things like a secret treasure in her heart. She thought about them over and over.\\xa0

What are the \\u201cthese things\\u201d of Christmas

Regardless of how you translate the two verbs in this verse, the noun phrase that is the object of the first sentence in the verse is always translated the same, \\u201cthese things.\\u201d

But what are the things Mary was keeping, or treasuring, and pondering or thinking about over and over? It\\u2019s one of the beautiful mysteries of the Christmas story that\\u2019s worth taking the time to reflect upon.

I imagine Mary obviously reflecting upon what the shepherds told her about the angel of the Lord appearing to them and how terrifying it was. But how their fear turned to joy when the angel told them not to be afraid because\\xa0

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

What a comforting independent confirmation that what the angel Gabriel told Mary when he visited her 9 months earlier was actually true! This truth alone is like a treasure worth appreciating over and over again. What Gabriel told her wasn\\u2019t something she just imagined. The sky was full of angels confirming this was all true.

But there are a few other less obvious \\u201cthese things\\u201d

The \\u201call these things\\u201d phrase Luke uses in describing Mary\\u2019s response to what is happening, implies different layers to what Mary is experiencing.\\xa0 One layer I imagine is Mary taking time to reflect upon her relationship with her elderly relative Elizabeth.\\xa0

Imagine these two improbable pregnancies.\\xa0 One to someone too old to bear a child, and the other to a virgin. This was certainly something to treasure and think about often.\\xa0 It would naturally draw Mary to God and his amazing ways in accomplishing his purposes.

Author Anne Lamont would describe this layer to the Christmas story, in the most reverent of tones, as \\u201cGod showing off.\\u201d\\xa0 It\\u2019s one of her favorite expressions.

It makes me wonder about the improbable things God has done in your life. What things has he done for you that\\u2019s worthy of treasuring?

Joseph

And then there\\u2019s Mary\\u2019s husband Joseph. Another layer to the Christmas story. I imagine Mary sitting there in the cave with the baby Jesus looking at Joseph and treasuring her relationship with him. I picture her taking time to reflect on where they\\u2019ve come from in their time together. We don\\u2019t know how old Joseph was, but we\\u2019re pretty sure Mary was probably 14 or 15 years old. Maybe they went to high school together.

They were both from the small backwater town of Nazareth, which had a lot going against it in terms of its reputation. Remember one of Jesus\\u2019 disciples remarking, \\u201ccan anything good come out of Nazareth?\\u201d

While I imagine Mary was the subject of a lot of gossip surrounding her pre-marital pregnancy, she had to know Joseph dealt with the same thing. There was a cost to his reputation and standing in the community, too. Yet he stood by her and believed what Mary and the angel Gabriel told him - as implausible as it was. What woman wouldn\\u2019t want a husband like this?

Scripture doesn\\u2019t have a lot to say about Joseph, except that he was described as a \\u201cgood man.\\u201d I did an earlier episode about him, episode no 135, \\u201cChristmas with a Good Man Brings Joy.\\u201d\\xa0 I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes in case you\'re interested. It\\u2019s one of my favorite Christmas episodes.

"All these men around my baby"

Another layer to what Mary treasured and took time to reflect upon could very well have been the place of the shepherds in the birth of Jesus. If I were Mary, I\\u2019d wonder why all these men were here to see my baby. Birthing is typically a female kind of thing, but here are all these guys - Joseph and the shepherds. There\\u2019s not another lady to be found in the whole story. What gives with that?

Why are the shepherds even part of the Christmas story? Why couldn\\u2019t the angels appear to Mary and Joseph directly?

The answer to this question is another example of God showing off, in the best sense of the word. You see these shepherds were not the ordinary run-of-the-mill shepherd.\\xa0 They were actually temple priests who cared for a special flock of sheep used for the Passover celebration and other temple festivals where ceremonial sheep were sacrificed.\\xa0

Each of these sheep were without any blemish or defect. They were as perfect as any sheep could be. Their one and only purpose was to one day be a perfect sacrifice. These perfect sheep were what the priestly shepherds were watching over the night the angels appeared to them.

The shepherds knew that one day they would be out of a job when the Messiah, the savior , the son of God would come to earth. They knew he would be the once and for all perfect sacrifice for all mankind. No more sheep. A one and done sacrifice. So no wonder they were excited when the angel appears to them out in their fields around Bethlehem to announce the birth of Jesus.

\\u201cFor there is born to you today, in David\\u2019s city, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.\\u201d Luke 2:11

Time to reflect on the future

Mary knew all this, too. The role of these temple shepherds was well-known, So I\\u2019m sure Mary would be reflecting upon the similarity between what they cared for, and what she would be caring for. Jesus is described in several places as the \\u201clamb of God.\\u201d His once and for all sacrifice would replace the system these shepherds were part of.

Imagine what it must have been like for Mary, as a teenager knowing that in 33 years the baby you just gave birth to would be offered up by God as a sacrifice to redeem all of mankind.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

There was certainly no shortage of things for Mary to think about there besides her newborn baby. Lot\\u2019s of things to treasure and many things to reflect on, mull over, and ponder over and over again.

But what about you?\\xa0

What about the role of Jesus in your life do you treasure? What are the layers of your relationships with him, that you think about from time to time? I encourage you to take time to reflect upon this.\\xa0

You know this, I\\u2019m sure, but considering questions like these is so much more fulfilling than the other questions we usually ask at Christmas.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to do what Mary did, to take time to reflect on your relationship with Jesus.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

The next time you hear my voice will be on Christmas Day when I read the entire Christmas story from Luke\\u2019s Gospel. It\\u2019s only 20 verses.

In the meantime don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

207: How to Help the People We Love At Christmas

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy

Last week\\u2019s blog post: The Joy of Christmas Past

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.\\xa0

Donate

Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.\\xa0

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

\\xa0

Listed in: religion

207: How to Help the People We Love At Christmas

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Christmas is all about relationships

Of all the times of the year to find joy in our relationships, can there be a better time than Christmas?\\xa0 Christmas only exists because Jesus wants a relationship with us, and he came to earth to make that really clear to us.

There\\u2019s certainly joy in this relationship, and also in our relationships with friends and family. But sometimes things get in the way of experiencing the kind of relationship God designed for us with the people we love.\\xa0

We see this so vividly in what I think is the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It\\u2019s a Wonderful Life!\\xa0 The film is overflowing with many different kinds of relationship struggles. But in the end, it leaves you feeling good about being alive in community with other people. \\xa0

I like this movie so much that I did an entire podcast on seven relationship lessons we learn from It\\u2019s a Wonderful Life!\\xa0 It\\u2019s episode 045 and I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of today\\u2019s show notes.

It\\u2019s a Wonderful Life! in a nutshell

If it\\u2019s been a while since you saw the film, or if you\\u2019ve never seen It\\u2019s a Wonderful Life!, here\\u2019s a brief summary of the plot:

The main character, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, grew up in a small town by the name of Bedford Falls prior to WWII. From the time he was\\xa0young, George was a very popular, engaging person, well-liked by everyone.\\xa0

Small-town life was not for him, however. He talked often about his dream of traveling to far-away places where he would work as an engineer to build big things, like skyscrapers and bridges. \\xa0

George grew up in a loving family where his father and uncle ran the Bailey Brothers Building & Loan, a business in competition with the bank in town owned by the antagonist in the movie, Henry Potter. \\u201cOld man Potter\\u201d as he was called. At one point George\\u2019s father, Peter Bailey, died suddenly and George took over the Building & Loan.

The plan was that once George\\u2019s brother Harry graduated from college, he would take over the Building & Loan, so George could leave Bedford Falls to pursue an education and his dreams.

But things didn\\u2019t turn out as planned. Harry returns from college, not just with a diploma, but also with a wife and a job out of town with his father-in-law.\\xa0 All this leaves George with the responsibility of running the Building & Loan, causing him to feel all the more trapped, which is a major theme of the movie.

Money set aside for a honeymoon

George ends up getting married to a woman named Mary. On their wedding day and on their way out of town for their honeymoon, there\\u2019s a run on the bank. This was not unusual during the Depression of the 1930s, which is when the movie takes place.\\xa0 Everyone wanted to withdraw their savings in cash, but there\\u2019s not enough money to pay out the withdrawals.\\xa0 Mary sees what\\u2019s going on and turns over to George all the wedding money and savings she and George have saved for their honeymoon. George then uses it to pay out the cash withdrawals.

This is the first example we see from Mary of how to help the people we love when they are going through a rough time. How many women do you know would sacrifice their once-in-a-lifetime romantic vacation to help her husband solve a problem at work?\\xa0 Not many.\\xa0

Most women would say something along the lines of, \\u201cThis is our wedding day and we\\u2019re leaving for our honeymoon. Let your co-workers deal with the problem. They\\u2019ll understand. Aren\\u2019t I more important than your job, your business?

But that\\u2019s not Mary. She sacrifices her desires and her resources to help the person she loves. Sometimes to help the people we love we have to set aside our dreams. And sometimes to help the people we love will cost us financially.

Investing in relationships

This run on the bank that George and Mary are dealing with is an interesting metaphor for relationships. Just as deposits we make with our money into financial institutions, we also make \\u201cdeposits\\u201d in our relationships. George Bailey had certainly done that with the relationships he developed and fostered in Bedford Falls. The movie shows how he invested in people, and the things he did to help people who needed help. Watch for it the next time you see the movie. I\\u2019ll comment more on this in a few minutes.

But I wonder about you and me. To what extent are we investing in relationships, where we pour ourselves into being there for other people?\\xa0 Will we have enough in our relationship account that there will be something to withdraw when we need help?

Another problem at work

After the problem with the run on the bank is solved. Another work-related problem arises like the whack-a-mole game you play at the fair. On Christmas Eve Uncle Billy misplaces $8,000 worth of deposits right as a bank examiner shows up for an audit. In today\\u2019s dollars adjusted for inflation, this would amount to about $110,000. \\xa0

If the money isn\\u2019t found, it will mean bankruptcy, scandal, and jail time for George. He\\u2019s beside himself with fear, and it brings out the worst in him. The rest of the film shows how George goes about dealing with this problem, and how others deal with George. If ever there was a movie about relationships, this would be it.

For example, at one point in the film George tries to help Uncle Billy remember where he left the money. But he gets impatient, roughs up Uncle Billy, and calls him \\u201ca silly old fool.\\u201d \\xa0

George then comes home in his irritated, fearful state and yells at his kids. He makes one of them cry, in fact. At which point Mary steps in to protect her children. She positions herself in front of the kids and confronts George very sternly with \\u201cGeorge, why must you torture the children? Why don\\u2019t you\\u2026\\u201d

A change in behavior

Before this scene, Mary observed this marked change in behavior in her husband and asked him \\u201cWhat\\u2019s wrong?\\u201d\\xa0 George doesn\\u2019t answer, in part because I think he\\u2019s trying to protect his wife from work problems, and in part because he\\u2019s confused by his own anger and rage.

Mary is puzzled by George because it\\u2019s not like him to be so angry. But she doesn\\u2019t give up on George when he doesn\\u2019t answer her \\u201cwhat\\u2019s wrong?\\u201d question.\\xa0 She reflects in her mind what might be the problem. George didn\\u2019t go to work that morning angry at the world, so it\\u2019s logical to consider that maybe something happened at work to set him off. George isn\\u2019t any help in figuring out the problem, so Mary logically and wisely calls someone who works with George to see if he might know.\\xa0 It\\u2019s one thing you can do to help someone you love.

She picks up the phone and asks the operator to call Bedford 247. And guess who answers?\\xa0 Uncle Billy.

Now we don\\u2019t hear what Mary says to Uncle Billy. But by the end of the movie we find out.

George gets help for dealing with his problem

After George walks out the door after yelling at his kids we see him encounter Clarence Oddbody AS2 (Angel 2nd class). He\\u2019s sent by God to help George put his problem in perspective and to realize the impact he\\u2019s had on people. It\\u2019s interesting that God doesn\\u2019t send Clarence the angel to solve George\\u2019s problem, but rather that despite his problems it truly is a wonderful life that George has been living. \\xa0

God still works like that today. Often not solving our problems, but always putting them in perspective in light of eternity and God\\u2019s purposes for our life.

Bold action to help the people we love

\\xa0Getting back to Mary and her phone call to Uncle Billy. After George\\u2019s encounter with Clarence Oddbody, Angel second class, he returns home a new man. Oh so grateful to be alive and even at peace with the potential consequences of the misplaced $8,000 of deposits.

It\\u2019s here we see what Mary and Uncle Billy talked about in their phone call. She now tells George, \\u201cIt\\u2019s a miracle, George! It\\u2019s a miracle!\\u201d Then Uncle Billy walks through their front door with a large wicker laundry basket, sets it on a folding table, and tells George one of the key lines in the movie in an excited tone.

\\u201cMary did it, George! Mary did it! She scoured all over town telling people you were in trouble\\u2026\\u201d With that, crowds of people come pouring through the front door with cash to put in the basket.

What a bold action on Mary\\u2019s part. Sometimes to help the people we love we have to step out of our comfort zone and ask other people to help us care for the one we love. Sometimes we have to make withdrawals from our relational bank account. It\\u2019s just how it works.

What we\\u2019ve learned from Mary in It\\u2019s a Wonderful Life!

Mary shows us that we can help the people we love who are going through difficult times by first observing any change in behavior. What\\u2019s different about them now, and when did the change happen? Often knowing when will give us further clues to help those we love.

We also learn from Mary how it\\u2019s important to reflect upon what might be causing the distress in the people we love. Be direct and ask them. They may not know themselves, but don\\u2019t give up. Probe further.\\xa0

Take action as Mary did. Ask other people who may be in a position to know what the root of the problem is in the angst our loved one is experiencing. Call someone. Don\\u2019t text.

\\xa0And then when you finally understand the heart of the problem. Take more action. Evaluate what you can do to help, and what you need from other people.

Finally, we learn from Mary that helping the people we love going through a really bad season is done behind the scenes. I love behind-the-scenes-people. They have no hidden agenda and they want to bring out the best in people. It\\u2019s never about them

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?\\xa0 Make it a goal to be a better observer of the important people in your life. Notice any changes in behavior. Then reflect upon what might possibly be causing those changes. Finally, take action. Do something that tries to help.

And like Mary in the movie, do all this behind the scenes. Be a behind-the-scenes person.\\xa0 It\\u2019s pretty fulfilling helping the people we love this way.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to consider how you can help the people you love this Christmas - behind the scenes.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. As we close up shop, please don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them, kind of like Mary did and all the people of Bedford Falls. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

045: Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

A prior and most recent episode

206: Thankful for the Stories of Others

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.\\xa0

Donate

Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.\\xa0

You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

Listed in: religion

206: Thankful for the Stories of Others

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Thankful for this story that didn\\u2019t start well

My story starts on a late Friday afternoon at the end of the work week. I was still active full-time in my business, but this particular weekend Janet and I were headed to a missionary care conference in Gull Lake, Michigan.\\xa0

When I got home from the office that day I hurriedly loaded up the car with our luggage, anxious to get on the road for the 4\\xbd hour drive to the conference. Getting there required driving through Chicago during rush hour. Lots of bumper-to-bumper and stop-and-go traffic through the city\\u2019s congested highways. It was nerve-wracking.

We finally reached the conference grounds late at night, registered, and got our room key. As I began unloading the car with the clothes we packed I realized I had left half of them at home.\\xa0

Oh great, I thought. We\\u2019re going to have to wear the same clothes for the entire weekend.\\xa0 Couple that with the late hour, and the nerve-wracking drive through Chicago, my irritability score was off the charts.\\xa0

It didn\\u2019t get any better the next morning as I didn\\u2019t get much sleep that night. Lack of sleep. The long drive through Chicago traffic. No change of clothes all contributed to my over-the-moon crabbiness.

A not-so-thankful-start to the day

The first scheduled event for Saturday morning was breakfast in the dining hall of the conference center. Janet and I grabbed a tray and made it through the line with our breakfast selections and then looked for a place to sit.

I was still feeling so irritable that I didn\\u2019t was to sit with anyone else attending the conference. It wouldn\\u2019t be fair to them to sit with someone as crabby as I was that morning. So we spotted a few empty tables in the far reaches of the room and headed there to spend a quiet breakfast away from anyone.

It wasn\\u2019t long though, before I spotted an older man slowly heading toward us with his tray of food. \\u201cOh no. Please no,\\u201d I thought. He\\u2019s going to sit with us and we\\u2019re going to have to eat breakfast together. And we\\u2019re going to have to talk with him. Yikes!\\xa0

There was no getting around it. There was no place to hide. We were stuck.

Thankful for an unusual breakfast companion

The elderly man sat down with his tray across the table from me. We exchanged pleasantries, commented on the weather, and then he asked us where we were from. I told him and then following his lead I asked,

\\u201cHow about you? Where are you from?\\u201d

\\u201cI came here from Detroit,\\u201d but I was a pastor in Canada for many years. I\\u2019m retired now,\\u201d he replied.

Hmm, I thought. His answer surprised me a bit because in our brief conversation so far I detected an accent in his speech. He sounded European and not like any Canadian I had ever known. We made more small talk and then I asked him,

\\u201cYou seem to have an accent, European I\\u2019m guessing. Were you born there?\\u201d

\\u201cOh, yes,\\u201d he said. I was born in Holland and lived there until I was 19 before I moved to Canada,\\u201d he replied.

Hmm, I thought again. I\\u2019m guessing our new breakfast companion was probably in his early 80s, which turned on my mental calculator and prompted me to ask another question based on his age and my knowledge of history. \\xa0

Thankful that one question often leads to another

\\u201cWere you by any chance living in Holland during World War II? I asked.

His eyes lit up, and with a smile, he responded with a simple but spirited, \\u201cYes!\\u201d

I continued with, \\u201cAnd were you still living there when Germany invaded and took over your country?\\u201d

\\u201cI was,\\u201d he said.

By this time in our conversation I suddenly realized I\\u2019m talking with someone who was an eyewitness to one of the most significant and awful events of the 20th century. I didn\\u2019t see it in myself at the time, but my mood took a drastic turn for the better. My irritability escaped from my being like a mouse who flees when he sees a cat in the room.\\xa0 It happened that quickly.

\\u201cWhat was that like for you, to be living during the occupation?\\u201d

\\u201cThe Nazi soldiers were everywhere, patrolling the streets with their rifles slung over their shoulders. It was a very scary and difficult time for all of us.\\u201d

\\u201cWhy did you leave Holland when you were 19?\\u201d I asked after he finished talking about his wartime experience.\\u201d

Thankful for the humor found in the stories of others

\\u201cOh that\\u2019s a funny story,\\u201d he said, again with a smile on his face.

\\u201cThe Dutch government was concerned about over-population and that the country couldn\\u2019t handle the increase in population growth they anticipated. So they offered anyone who would move away a sum of money that was equivalent to about $5,000. After the war in 1945-46, that was a large amount of money. So being 19-years-old and looking for adventure, I grabbed the money and moved to Canada.

\\u201cAs it turned out, the population of Holland grew much larger anyway and there hasn\\u2019t been any problem with the country keeping up with that growth.\\u201d

\\u201cWhy did you move to Canada,\\u201d I asked. \\u201cWhy not the U.S.?\\u201d

\\u201cOh, that was an easy decision,\\u201d our elderly Dutchman replied. \\u201cWhen the Allied forces liberated us after the war in 1945, the Canadian soldiers were much friendlier than the Americans. So that\\u2019s why I moved to Canada.\\u201d

We all got a good laugh over this part of his story.

With that, we finished breakfast and moved to the first session of the conference. I was now completely rejuvenated and thankful for the story of this Dutchman. I don\\u2019t recall seeing him again the rest of the weekend, but this relational moment we had together over breakfast has stayed with me for many years since. It makes me smile whenever I think of him.

Thankful for what we learn from the stories of others

My interaction with this World War II-era Dutchman taught me a number of things:

• All problems are temporary. Even leaving half your clothes at home for a weekend trip
• Our moods are temporary, too. A good conversation can be a mood-altering experience
• Asking a simple question to start a conversation is quite powerful
• Asking a follow-up question is even more powerful. It\\u2019s the engine that keeps the conversation train rolling down the tracks
• Being curious about other people has been a source of joy in my life. It\\u2019s the basis for being a good listener, and a means to deepen relationships.\\xa0
• I\\u2019m so thankful I majored in history in college and that I still enjoy it. Having a background in history has enriched my life.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

The next time you\\u2019re in a bad mood, use your curiosity muscles to listen to someone share one of their life experiences. By drawing them out with follow-up questions it will help lift you out of yourself. It\\u2019s amazing how that works. Give it a try.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to be curious about other people and to be thankful for their stories.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today.\\xa0

Now don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll connect with you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

185: Thankful for Curious People

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People

165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them

The prior and most recent episode \\xa0

205: How to Have a Meaningful Conversation

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.\\xa0

Donate

Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.\\xa0

You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

Listed in: religion

205: How to Have a Meaningful Conversation

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

A meaningful conversation with my barber

One way to find this joy God designed for us is to consider how we can have meaningful conversations with people. \\u201cMeaningful\\u201d doesn\\u2019t necessarily have to mean \\u201cdeep.\\u201d If you listened to the episode prior to this one, #204, you may recall the woman on the NextDoor app who posted that she wanted to have 40 \\u201cdeep conversations\\u201d before she turned 40.

As it turns out she was really looking for 40 people to sign up for her life coaching business.\\xa0 I heard from some of you that you were angry with the woman for misleading people like this.

Now I\\u2019m going to save deep conversations for another time, and I have no life coaching advice for anyone. Well, except for one thing. Grown men over 60 should tuck their shirts in when out in public. It will keep your mom happy, if she\\u2019s still alive. It will honor her legacy if she\\u2019s no longer with us. That\\u2019s the extent of my life coaching advice for today.

As for meaningful conversations, they don\\u2019t have to be deep in order to derive a measure of joy from them. And you don\\u2019t always have to create them, because sometimes they just come to you like a stray dog or cat who appears on your doorstep and welcomes themself in.

For example, several years ago I was sitting in the chair in a barber shop when my barber, Paul, asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day when I was done with my haircut.

\\u201cStain my deck this afternoon,\\u201d I said.

\\u201cI\\u2019ve been putting it off because I don\\u2019t like being on my knees putting the stain on with a paintbrush. But the job needs to be done.\\u201d

The most meaningful conversation I had that day

Paul then said, \\u201cYou know they make special brushes for putting down stain on decks. They\\u2019re about 6 inches wide and an inch and a half thick. You screw any standard-size pole, like you use for a broom, into a hole in the brush. This allows you to dip the brush into the pail of stain and put it down on the wood without ever bending down or kneeling. Most hardware stores carry this kind of brush.\\u201d

After my haircut I went straight to a nearby hardware store, bought the kind of brush Paul described, and started staining my deck just as Paul described. What was once a burdensome task now became something quite easy. All because of this meaningful conversation while sitting in a barber\\u2019s chair.

The meaning in my conversation with Paul is that he shared something that made my life better. He shared the knowledge and experience he had to ease a difficulty in my life. It wasn\\u2019t a deep conversation by any means, but it brought me joy in knowing how to complete a task in a new and less painful way. It really lifted my spirits.\\xa0

To have this meaningful conversation with Paul all I did was engage in small talk and share what was on my mind. When you do the same thing with a good listener, there\\u2019s the possibility are you\\u2019ll get into a meaningful conversation, too.

Dinner party

Another meaningful conversation happened just recently when Janet and I were invited to dinner at\\xa0 the home of one of our couple friends. Another\\xa0 husband and wife who moved away many years ago were in town and they were invited, too. The six of us have been friends for decades.

As the six of us were eating, the subject came up of the first house each of us lived in and the memories we had of those homes. It was interesting to hear each person recall what was memorable for them. One memory shared in this conversation that stood out for me was one shared by the hostess, who I will call \\u201cSarah.\\u201d\\xa0 It\\u2019s not her real name, but she\\u2019d be embarrassed to no end if I told you who she really was, so I\\u2019ll just call her Sarah.

A visit from Dad

Anyway, Sarah shared a memory of her and her husband\\u2019s first house, that in all the many years I have known them I had never heard before. She said a favorite memory was how her dad on occasion would come and visit her on his day off. He was a mail carrier is a town about 75 miles away.\\xa0

\\u201cHe would drive all that way and then sit in our living room and read the newspaper. It\\u2019s a favorite memory of mine, being in the same small living room with him while he read the paper.\\u201d

Sarah was a young mom at the time with two small children when her father would come and spend the day with her.

The smile and look on her face told me this was something special. I had heard stories about her father before, of the kind man he was. Sarah\\u2019s husband spoke fondly of him, too.\\xa0 On the days he would visit he came alone. Sarah\\u2019s mother stayed home. To me, it seemed fitting that way, as her relationship with her mother was, well, very different from her relationship with her dad.

A meaningful conversation without words

Even though no one else said much as she shared her story, I found it to be a meaningful conversation among the six of us. Sarah, as long as I\\u2019ve known her, has been one of the kindest, most loving and gentle people I\\u2019ve known. I learned this night when she shared her story where she got these qualities. She got them from her dad.\\xa0

Her dad\\u2019s legacy lives on through Sarah. She places a high value on relationships as he did, and she is kind and gentle, too.

I mean, who would spend their day off from work to drive 150 miles and 2\\xbd hours round trip to just be with his daughter? Not to do anything special, just to sit in her living room reading the newspaper.

I found both sadness and joy in this meaningful conversation. Sadness that Sarah\\u2019s mother related to her so differently. Sadness in knowing that her dad died quite young. I think he was only 54. I found joy in knowing this memory of Sarah\\u2019s father and how the way he spent his day off still has a special place in her heart.\\xa0

There was also the Joy in seeing her dad in Sarah. Their shared qualities of kindness and gentleness. And Joy in knowing an example of how a father can love his adult daughter.\\xa0 I want to be remembered by my daughter and son like this after I\\u2019m gone.\\xa0

What makes a conversation meaningful?

I like to think a meaningful conversation is one where there is an exchange of meaning. And it doesn\\u2019t necessarily have to involve words. The conversation with my barber about the deck stain brush certainly involved words. He shared his knowledge and experience that was meaningful to me. It was a solution to a problem I had, which I appreciated.

Now, you and I have been in conversations filled with lots of words, many words, but without any meaning being exchanged. You know what I\\u2019m talking about. When people fill the air with their own voice, where they talk just to talk, devoid of anything meaningful to you. They give you information or opinions you didn\\u2019t ask for that mean nothing to you. You are not asked any questions in a conversation like this. It\\u2019s more a monologue than a conversation.\\xa0

This wasn\\u2019t the case at all with Sarah sharing a favorite memory from the first house. There were few words, but lots of meaning was exchanged because we listened. Listening based on what we all remembered about Sarah\\u2019s background. Listening by observing her facial expression. And then listening by entering into Sarah\\u2019s story as we imagined what it must have been like for her, and for her dad, and his occasional visits to her home.\\xa0

Sarah shared her memory with only a few words, yet it was filled to the brim with meaning.\\xa0

Words not needed

If Sarah had used words to convey the meaning of her conversation it would have gone something like, \\u201cMy dad thought I was important enough to use his day off from work to come and spend time time with me. Even if it was to just sit in our living room reading the newspaper. That was enough for both of us. It was all we needed, to be together like that. This was a favorite memory of mine from the first house owned.\\u201d

Yeah, something like these words would have described it. But we didn\\u2019t need the words. We saw it and more in her face. The meaning I came away with from this meaningful conversation was joy for Sarah. Joy that she had such a loving relationship with her dad. It reminded me of that Walt Whitman quote I love,\\xa0

\\u201cWe were together, I forgot the rest.\\u201d

So what about YOU?\\xa0

I wonder what meaningful conversations you\\u2019ve had lately. What have you done to make them meaningful? What exchange of meaning has taken place between you and another person?

And I especially wonder what meaningful conversations presented themselves to you, like the sun peeking around the edge of grey clouds after a sprinkle of rain? I\\u2019d love to hear about any conversations like this.

Closing

And speaking of the sun peeking out from clouds, as we close up shop for today, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Prior and most recent episode \\xa0\\xa0 204: Deep Conversations

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.\\xa0

Donate

Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.\\xa0

You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

204: Deep Conversations

Last summer, for example, I found a high school student through this app willing to pull weeds from our flower beds, so it\\u2019s great for items like this.

But you\\u2019ll also find annoying things like a recent post that read \\u201cWhy is the Taco Bell on Moreland Rd closed all of a sudden.\\u201d That\\u2019s not so bad, but it generated a long thread of comments about how horrible Taco Bell is, followed by a string of Taco Bell fans praising the place. Followed yet by another string of \\u201cWhy are people so lazy they can\\u2019t make their own tacos at home? What\\u2019s wrong with you people?\\u201d\\xa0

I think you get the picture. It\\u2019s why I delete the app, but then months later sign up for it again.

An unusual request

Anyway, the most unusual post I\\u2019ve seen in a long time came from an attractive woman by the name of Nicole who posted her picture with the following:

I turn 40 in roughly 4 months.

To celebrate, I\\u2019m challenging myself to have deep conversations with 40 different individuals.

What\\u2019s in it for you? Maybe some clarity in an area you\\u2019re questioning or better sense of your purpose or even just someone to listen to you unload.

What\\u2019s in it for me? I get to connect with YOU. Simple as that.

I want to close out my 30s by connecting with as many people as possible. And if we already know each other, let\\u2019s do this anyway!

Message me if you\\u2019re up to help me with\\xa0this challenge.

Summary of the Responses

The last time I checked 99 people responded to Nicole. Here\\u2019s a summary of those responses:

• • Slightly more women responded than men
  • No one said \\u201cno\\u201d or anything negative. Everyone either said \\u201cyes\\u201d in one form or another, \\u201cHappy Birthday\\u201d and nothing more, or they had a question
  • 9 people commented something along the lines of \\u201cOh, you\\u2019re so beautiful.\\u201d One person said she looked like Julia Roberts. None of these 9 agreed to a deep conversation Nicole is looking for.
  • 2 people wanted to know more

Selected responses I found interesting

Jim: Wish I were 40 yrs. younger

Nicole: ha! Flattered, but I\\u2019m married!

Guy: Hello Nicole! I\\u2019m Game!! But I\\u2019m a talker\\u2026You better be ready!!!

Joseph: The years have been very kind to you! What are some of your interests?

Anna: I would love to do this. I am 78 years old. This could be very interesting. And maybe loving & caring. I could use more contact w/ good people. How do I get on board?

Melody: Please be safe meeting all those people

Emily: I\\u2019m in. Always great to meet new friends. Happy early birthday\\xa0

Mark: Hello Nicole, what a way to start and meet new friends. I would like to connect and have some conversations.

Angela: What a wonderful way to celebrate your milestone birthday! I am having a milestone birthday today @60! I have a lot of life to discuss and would be honored to help you accomplish this worthwhile project!!

Steven: Absolutely, any time!

Tami: Hi Nicole! I\\u2019m Tami, and I am so intrigued with your project!! I would love to help you with this. I\\u2019m a writer and deep conversations are my jam!

Craig: Very interesting idea.\\xa0 I love to chat with new people!

Laura: If you haven\\u2019t met your 40 conversations, I could use a good conversation with a kind soul.

An interest in deep conversations from young and old

Meghan: I wish there were more people like this with good intentions! I\\u2019m in my mid-20s. Intellectual conversations are kinda really my thing.

Jeri: I would love to participate. I just turned 70 and looking for connection.

Larry: I am 66; is it to just unload problems or to really make new friends--if you want to make new friends I am there count me in-

Karen: I would love to help you . I am in my early 50s and love meeting new people and making friends.

Kat: Well, I am 76 years old and I have lived through a lot! I was a postwar baby and as I became a teenager we dealt with birth control. Then there was the Vietnam war, civil rights. Live near the Bay Area in the 60s and saw lots of disobedience and Craziness. I lived to see John Kennedy shot and killed Martin Luther King shot and killed and Bobby Kennedy shot and killed. Those were sad sad days for America.\\xa0I could go on and on, but I won\\u2019t.\\xa0 You get the idea.\\xa0 At this point in my life, I have lost almost everybody that was of significance in my life growing up. But I\\u2019m still part of the class of \\u201964 for our high school and we are a very connected class since we went from kindergarten through high school together for most of us. By the way, happy happy birthday

Lyn: Nicole, I\'m game if you\'re still collecting names. I just celebrated my 75th...definitely a milestone!

Michelle: Hi Nicole, I\\u2019d love to assist with your quest.\\xa0 What a lovely way to celebrate your next birthday.

My response to the request for a deep conversation

\\xa0I responded with this text, I\\u2019ll do what I can to help you with this challenge.

Shortly thereafter I received a text from Nicole that read:

"Hey John! Thanks for offering to help with the challenge!

"Just as a very brief background: I\'m a nurse and obtained a certification as a transformative life coach and my goal is to connect with as many people as possible.\\xa0 There\'s no catch, just connecting :)

"Here\'s a link to schedule a time to connect:"

Hmmmn.

A different \\u201cdeep conversation\\u201d than what was expected

I clicked on the link to find a calendar to book an appointment. Above the calendar read \\u201cFree Session.\\u201d The word \\u201cFree\\u201d jumped out a me. It implies, especially after reading further, that some sessions are not free.

Next to the calendar is more information from Nicole that began with:

"Why do this? To connect! I\'m a nurse and a health and wellness coach looking to serve my community one conversation at a time. I want to learn about you and where you\'re struggling right now, and alternatively, what\'s going great and how to help you build on that!"

Nicole goes on to write:

"Some sessions can be filled with big emotions and that\'s ok! I want you to express yourself to the fullest, be open and honest, and I\'ll do the same for you. That being said, if I feel you\'re not showing up fully in this way, I\'ll call you out on it and push you a little harder. Not showing up fully is not an option in my coaching space.

"At the end, we\'ll make sure you have a plan to continue any forward momentum that we\'ve created together."

My take on all this

I was really tempted to contact some of the 99 people who responded to Nicole\\u2019s initial challenge to celebrate her upcoming 40th birthday by having deep conversations with 40 people. I\\u2019d like to ask them what they thought and felt when they got the same text I received when I responded to Nicole.\\xa0 Believe me, that was so tempting.

But if I did that, this episode would be about the ethics of Nicole\\u2019s marketing strategy for her wellness coaching business. The larger and more interesting aspect to this story is why these 99 people responded to Nicole in the first place.\\xa0

It caused me to go back and look at the responses of these 99 more closely and found they reveal something about what many of us are all looking for these days.

What people are looking for

I think of Anna, who at 78 years of age found the prospect of a deep conversation with Nicole to be in her words, \\u201cloving and caring,\\u201d and \\u201cI could use more contact with good people.\\u201d

Then there is Laura who said, \\u201cI could use a good conversation with a kind soul.\\u201d

And Larry who mentions he\\u2019s 66 and \\u201cIf this is about making new friends I am there. Count me in.\\u201d

Another response that is telling comes from Jeri who said \\u201cI would love to participate. I just turned 70 and looking for connection.\\u201d

And finally there is the response from Kat who spoke about the major events she lived through in her 76 years, almost as a way of auditioning for Nicole, implying that she would have a lot to offer in any kind of deep conversation.\\xa0

I was especially touched when Kat said \\u201cAt this point in my life, I have lost almost everybody that is of significance in my life growing up. But I\\u2019m still part of the class of \\u201964 for our high school and we are a very connected class since we went from kindergarten through high school together for most of us.\\u201d

Over and over again people talk about looking for connection and meeting new friends.\\xa0

I think it\\u2019s because many of us are lonely. Otherwise, why would we want new friends? It\\u2019s either because we don\\u2019t have any friends, or the few we have are just surface friends.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

If you saw Nicole\\u2019s request for a deep conversation, how would you respond?\\xa0 Are you interested in deep conversations that would lead to connections with people and making new friends? Or are you overloaded with the things going on in your life that you just don\\u2019t have any space for deep conversations much less new friends?

Another thing this brings up is as people of faith, how would Jesus want us to respond to those looking for friends and connection with others?\\xa0 We can\\u2019t connect with everyone, nor be friends with everyone. And if you\\u2019re active in a church, please, please don\\u2019t say, \\u201ctell others they need to get in a small group.\\u201d\\xa0 No, they don\\u2019t.

My hunch is that Jesus doesn\\u2019t want us to funnel lonely people into a church program or ministry. Rather, I think he wants us to individually reflect his image and character.\\xa0

To be what 78-year-old Anna is looking for,\\xa0 \\u201csomeone who is caring and loving\\u201d and that good person she could connect with.

To be that \\u201ckind soul\\u201d Laura is looking for.

Yeah, that\\u2019s how I think Jesus would want us to respond.

Because someone listened\\u2026

I\\u2019ll conclude by reminding you of that new feature we\\u2019re trying out this season, Because Someone Listened\\u2026

I\\u2019d like you to describe a time when someone listened to you well and the impact it had on you. Just complete the sentence because someone listened\\u2026. You can post it in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can email it to me at john@cringforothers.org.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to be that loving and caring person, that \\u201ckind soul\\u201d\\xa0 people are looking for.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.\\xa0Please consider making a donation to help us pay the bills to continue this podcast and other services we provide missionaries around the world.

You can make an online contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.

You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

Listed in: religion

203: Three Reasons for Being Stingy in Sharing Your Story

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, an award-winning author and relationship coach. I\'m here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.\\xa0

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

In the last episode

If the phrase \\u201cbe stingy in sharing your story\\u201d sounds familiar it\\u2019s probably because you heard it used in episode 202, \\u201cThe Best Stories.\\u201d It was in reference to the listening advice shared in the interview I did with Linda Crouch, a retired missionary friend. She talked about her friend Meg who listened well to Linda talking about her recent trip to Nigeria. Even though Meg was a missionary herself, she was stingy in sharing her own story.\\xa0So Linda had all the time she needed to tell hers.

I love this word, \\u201cstingy.\\u201d\\xa0 I never thought of it being a good word with a positive connotation to it. Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol come to mind when I hear the word \\u201cstingy.\\u201d \\xa0

But in the context of relationships, \\u201cstingy in sharing our story\\u201d is a great principle on several levels, when used properly. Here are three reasons why:

Being stingy in sharing your story honors the person sharing theirs

In any meaningful conversation you can\\u2019t have two stories going on at once. Unfortunately, though, you see this happening all too often. Tune in any TV or radio news show with 3 or more hosts and invariably you hear them talking over each other, fighting for air time.

A meaningful conversation requires someone to take the high road by being quiet and listening. We honor people when we relinquish our turn to be the center of attention. It gives voice to people who may not have had a voice.

It\\u2019s a biblical principle as well. James 1:19, that familiar passage says, \\u201c\\u2026be quick to listen and slow to speak.\\u201d When we take that to heart and put it into practice it manifests another Biblical concept we read in Romans 12:10, \\u201c\\u2026take delight in honoring each other.\\u201d

Being stingy in sharing your story brings out the best in you

A second reason why being stingy with your story when someone is sharing theirs\\xa0is a great practice is because it brings out the best in you.

The best in you displays relational hospitality, where you invite people into interaction with you by giving them the floor and allowing them to be the focus of attention.

To let someone go first in sharing their story is an act of humility, which is always found in the best of our character traits. It\\u2019s a sacrifice to let someone have the air time we would like.

Letting someone else have the spot light without interruption from you models what good listening looks like. And when we model something for others that will bring out the best in them, it brings out the best in ourselves.

Being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to our loneliness

As counterintuitive as it sounds, being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to loneliness. When you hold back on talking about yourself it creates an opportunity to learn about someone else and a possible point of connection based on their life, not yours.

We have a missionary friend who grew up in a large family where everyone talked. In order to be heard she learned how to fight for airtime by talking a lot herself. While that skill served her well as a child, it did just the opposite as an adult. Instead of drawing people to herself, talking a great deal pushed people away. Consequently, she was often lonely.

Another thing. When we hold back on talking about ourself so that others can share their story it creates the possibility of broadening our world, which tends to dissipate loneliness. \\xa0

Now I\\u2019ll be the first to admit that many times the stories people share about themselves are boring and repetitive. I know, because some of my stories are boring and repetitive.\\xa0

A brother-in-law story

Recently though, Janet and I were at an extended family event that wasn\\u2019t all that interesting to me, and as the afternoon wore on I was itching to go home. Janet, however, was thoroughly enjoying herself and didn\\u2019t want to leave. \\xa0

At one point the subject of military service was mentioned, which prompted me to ask my brother-in-law Rich, \\u201cWere you ever in the service?\\u201d

\\u201cYes,\\u201d he said, but nothing more.\\xa0

I then asked, \\u201cWhat was your your role, your job?\\u201d

\\u201cParatrooper,\\u201d Rich said.

\\xa0That one word answer changed my mood entirely. I\\u2019ve known Rich for many years, but never knew he was paratrooper. This prompted me to ask more more questions about his military service that I found really interesting. Especially about the mechanics of jumping out of airplanes with a parachute on your back.

I was so glad I coaxed my brother-in-law into sharing his story instead of telling parts of my own. It made for a far more interesting afternoon.

Being stingy with your story doesn\\u2019t mean remaining silent about it

One final thought on this whole matter: Being stingy with your story doesn\\u2019t mean remaining silent about it.\\xa0 It\\u2019s more about waiting your turn. It\\u2019s about going last, not first. Good listeners do that, you know.\\xa0

So what about YOU?\\xa0

I wonder. Is it possible you may be too generous in sharing your story in ways that keeps someone from sharing theirs?

I also wonder if\\xa0 being stingy with your story isn\\u2019t a problem for you, how are you handling the results of letting others fill the air waves with the sound of their voice. What goes on inside you when you can\\u2019t get a word in edgewise because other people are dominating the conversation and sucking the air time available for anyone else to talk.\\xa0

I\\u2019ve got some thoughts on this that I\\u2019ll share at another time, but I do wonder how\\xa0 others deal with this relational dynamic

Because someone listened\\u2026

One of our listeners wrote in to tell what happened to her because someone listened. She tells the story of two friends who walked beside her through the death and grief of her 40-something daughter who died of cancer.\\xa0

\\u201cI can\\u2019t count the number of times I drove out of their driveway with warm refreshing healing teardrops flowing down my cheeks. Over the years \\u2014 but especially these past 18 months on the hardest journey I never would have signed up for \\u2014 they welcomed me with open arms, listened to my ongoing expressions of grief and struggle, fed me with an abundance of Papa God\\u2019s love and delicious food, and brought the beauty of laughter into the hard. Their listening love has been a gift of GRACE wrapped in a ribbon of GOLD.\\u201d

I bet you have stories of what happened to you because someone listened. We\\u2019d like to hear them.

Closing

Before we wrap up today\\u2019s show, if you\\u2019d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you\\u2019re dealing with, I\\u2019d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you\\u2019d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the\\xa0 Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to be stingy in sharing your own story so someone else can share theirs.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

202: The Best Stories

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry, is the sponsor for\\xa0You Were Made for This. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

202: The Best Stories

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Today\'s relationship story

The story I want to tell you today comes from a listener response to my recent August 8th email to those on our email list. The email was about that line I love from the PBS TV show, Call the Midwife,\\xa0

\\u201cWe learn most when we listen to others\\u201d

Linda Crouch, a retired missionary now living in North Carolina, wrote to tell me how she\\u2019s come to appreciate the great value of people listening to one another. I was so fascinated by what she had to say and the story she told that illustrated the value of listening, that I thought it would make a great podcast episode if I interviewed her.

Linda graciously agreed to the interview that you\\u2019ll hear in just a minute. As you listen, I\\u2019d like you to see if you can identify the predominant emotion in the story. The relationships you\\u2019ll hear about are pretty obvious. But see if you can pick up on the emotion that makes hers a great story.

And then also, what do you hear as the story within her story? See if you can pick that out. So let\\u2019s get into it right now.

[I know some of you prefer to read rather than listen to what comes next, but I\\u2019m sorry there is no transcript of this best stories episode.]

Why today\'s story is one of the best stories I\\u2019ve heard in a while

I don\\u2019t know about you, but what Linda just shared is one of the best stories I\\u2019ve heard in a while.\\xa0 What an amazing thing she did in organizing a trip for her children and grandchildren to go back to a place where she and her\\xa0husband spent almost 4 decades of their lives. It\\u2019s where her kids grew up and where it formed such an important piece of her identity, and there\\u2019s as well.\\xa0

She could have gone by herself, but she wanted her children to go back with her to experience the joy she experienced. I\\u2019m not going to do this, but it would be oh-so interesting to interview 1 or 2 of her adult children, and the same with a couple of the grandkids. To hear how this trip impacted them.

Another thing that made this one of the best stories I\\u2019ve heard this year is listening to Linda describe the joy she felt in returning to Nigeria with her family. This is the predominant emotion I heard. Joy. I also love how she talked about \\u201cthe joy of resilience.\\u201d\\xa0 What a breath of fresh air to hear this perspective.

And then there was her motive in going back, to say \\u201cthank you\\u201d to the people she worked with in Nigeria whom she and her husband Jim worked with and ministered to. I love that.\\xa0 Just recently we hosted a missionary couple who retired this year after 50 some years working in a camping ministry who have been taking a \\u201cthank you tour\\u201d across the US. They\\u2019re meeting with those who have supported them for all these years and who made possible the work they were called to. All to say \\u201cthank you\\u201d for their faithful support. What a great idea.

The story within the story

Finally, what made this one of the best stories I\\u2019ve heard this year is the story within Linda\\u2019s story. It\\u2019s the story of Meg and how she blessed Linda by being such a good listener to her sharing her story. For me, that was quite a powerful story within a story.

I loved how Linda described the way Meg entered into her story and even though she was a missionary herself, she practiced that great line that Linda quoted, \\u201cBe stingy with your own story\\u201d when listening to others. What a great line, \\u201cBe stingy with your own story.\\u201d\\xa0 May that be true of all of us when we are listening to others.

If you got distracted and missed any of this may want to replay this part of the episode.\\xa0

Because someone listened\\u2026

I\\u2019ll conclude by reminding you of that new feature we\\u2019re trying out this season,\\xa0Because Someone Listened\\u2026

Send me an email, or fill in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, where you complete the sentence because someone listened\\u2026\\xa0 Describe a time when someone listened to you well and the impact it had on you.\\xa0

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to be part of someone\\u2019s best story that they experience.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

201:Three Relationship Tools to Remember in September

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

201: Three Relationship Tools to Remember in September

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles and relationship tools you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

We\'re back from the off-season

It\\u2019s been 6 months since Season 7 of You Were Made for This ended with episode 200. You might be wondering what I was doing during this time. If you\\u2019re on my email list you got an email every Wednesday during this off-season about all matter of things relationships related that was on my mind at the time. And many weeks the email had links to blog posts on our website. If you missed those, I\\u2019ll have a link to them at the bottom of the show notes. I\\u2019ll also post a link to get on my email list list if you are not already on it.

There\\u2019s a lot more I could share about the past off-season, but I want to get rolling today with this first episode, number 201, of season 8. Plus I want to announce a few changes at the end of today\\u2019s show that you\\u2019ll want to know about.

However, if you really are interested in knowing more about what I was up to while away from the podcast mic, I\\u2019d be happy to tell you all about it over dinner at your house. Wednesdays work best for me. And I know this always comes up, but the only food allergy I have is to coconut. Just so you know.

Okay, to kick off season 8 here near the beginning of September in 2023 we are going to take a look at 3 relationship tools to remember this September that will help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

September is a perfect time to observe

I\\u2019ll start with this. September is a perfect time to\\xa0observe.

With the activities of summer in the rearview mirror for most of us, September is the time of year we return to the routines and rhythms of life. Vacations are finished for now, the kids are back in school, and the pace of life dials down a notch. September gives us space to look around and observe. \\xa0

Flowers we only see in the fall appear now. Here in the Upper Midwest of the US where I live, cone flowers, coreopsis, and black-eyed susans are in full bloom.

Observe relationships

And it\\u2019s not just the beauty of nature that rewards us when we take time to look around in September. It\\u2019s also the beauty of relationships that can soothe our souls when we take time to observe them. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of people walk, and I\\u2019m one of them.\\xa0

While on a walk one early morning I came across a tall dad walking his small, young daughter to her bus stop on the first day of school. Hand in hand they walked, and you could tell they had a loving relationship. You could just tell. For those of you who are parents, first-day-of-school walks to the bus stop are over before you know it. The years just fly by.\\xa0

Observing that tall dad reminded me of how quickly our children grow up. While parenting is a lot of work - no doubt about it - there is much joy to experience as well. Like the joy of being there for your children as a new chapter of their life opens each September.

September also brings a measure of relational sadness at times. The other day I was talking with Dave, my next-door neighbor. He told me his oldest daughter was soon moving to Washington, D.C. to start her first job out of college. In a moment of vulnerability he said,

\\u201cThis is hard on me. Harder on me than it is on Barb. I\\u2019m not ready for this.\\u201d

Yeah, I get it. I\\u2019ve been through having our daughter move away. It\\u2019s a grieving process.

Observe our relationships with strangers

Besides relationships as I\\u2019ve just described, I find it helpful to observe the relationships we have with strangers. I\\u2019ll explain why later. Recently, for example, I bought a used car to replace an older car we had.\\xa0

There was a particular model I was looking for, and after much research, I found one on the lot of a large auto dealer in our area, which meant I had to deal with a car salesperson. Yikes. I hate doing this.

What I dislike even more is dealing with the finance or business manager you have to go through to complete the transaction when you buy a car from a place like this.\\xa0 Listening to THEIR sales pitch to upsell their financing and extended warranties is painful. Oh, how I dreaded this process when I agreed to terms on the car with the salesman.

To my great surprise though, I really liked the finance guy within 30 seconds of meeting him. There was no hard sell on anything from this very likable man. He was friendly, but not overly so. Apologetic for having to put me through his dealership\\u2019s process. Understanding of our desire to get out of there as fast as possible. I thought to myself he would make a good next door neighbor.

So how are these observations a helpful relationship tool?\\xa0

Remember in September to reflect upon our relationships

Observations we make about people are helpful to the extent we use them to reflect on their meaning. Many of our relational encounters with people are purely transactional and have no deep meaning. You call to make an appointment. We say hello to the postal carrier. You say \\u201cExcuse me\\u201d to the lady with the grocery cart as you walk around her in the cereal box aisle.

\\xa0But it\\u2019s a shame if we look at all the interactions we see with people as ordinary run-of-the-mill encounters. Our lives are enriched when we reflect upon what we see. Maybe there\\u2019s nothing there to reflect upon, but other times what we observe can encourage us or add to the richness of our life.

For example, observing that father in our neighborhood taking his daughter by the hand while they walked to her bus stop the first day of school brought me much joy. It reminded me of the joys of fatherhood and the times I saw my own children off to their first days of school. As I reflected on this scene it evoked gratitude for my joy-filled relationship with my daughter who once was like this little girl I saw on my morning walk.\\xa0

It wasn\\u2019t nostalgia that moved me, but it was thankfulness instead that I continued to be blessed by my relationship with my daughter and my son., both of whom have children of their own.

Yeah, remember this September to reflect on relationships like this. It will do your heart good. It\\u2019s a great relationship tool to put into practice.

When people leave us

And then there\\u2019s the conversation I had with my neighbor Dave whose daughter was moving to Washington, D.C. It caused me to reflect\\xa0on when our own daughter moved out of state. It was a grieving process where there were no words that could make it better. In fact, at times like this, words often make it worse. Words like,\\xa0

\\u201cAt least your son is still in town\\u2026 you\\u2019ll now have a new place to visit\\u2026when you see her when she visits you\\u2019ll have quality time with each other\\u2026time will heal your grief.\\u201d It\\u2019s like rubbing salt into a wound when we hear words like this.

It\\u2019s always harder on those left behind. Those who move on are off to a new adventure. Those left behind get a piece of their heart ripped away.

Strangers can inspire us

On a more positive note, as I reflected on my interaction with the finance guy at the car dealer, it actually inspired me to be more like him. I tend to drift toward being critical of people, which I hate to see in myself.\\xa0

I want to be winsome and put people at ease like the finance guy I met. I want to be gentle and kind with people, to bring out the best in others.\\xa0

When we reflect upon what we observe in our relationships it opens the possibility of becoming more the man or woman God created us to be.\\xa0 It shows us the extent to which we are reflecting the image of God well.

Remember this September to Act upon what we observe and reflect upon

The third relationship tool to remember in September is Act. Take some kind of action based on what you observe and reflect upon.

You need to know, though Act doesn\\u2019t necessarily mean an outward behavior. It\\u2019s also not about trying harder. It\\u2019s not about doing. Sometimes it is, but often it is about thinking. Often an action you take looks like you\\u2019re doing nothing to an outside observer.

When I spoke about observing the changing rhythms of life this fall and the flowers that appear this time of year it slowed me down to reflect upon the beauty of God\\u2019s creation.\\xa0 It also evoked an action within me, namely to appreciate again the change and energy that comes with each autumn where I live. \\xa0 Feeling something and being aware of it is just as much an action as a behavior.\\xa0 It\\u2019s an action unobservable to anyone else. But it\\u2019s very real.

It would have been easy to observe what I did, reflect upon it, but feel no gratitude or response and just move on to the next thing.\\xa0

Two dads and their daughters

The two fathers I observed caused me to reflect upon my relationship with my own daughter. It reminded me of tender moments with her, like seeing her off for the first day of elementary school. When I listened to my neighbor share his sadness over his newly minted college graduate moving out of state, it made me reflect upon the sadness I felt when our own daughter moved 800 miles away.

As far as acting on what I observed and reflected upon, I made a mental note to ask my neighbor the next time I saw him, \\u201cHow are you doing now with your daughter moved into her apartment in Washington?\\u201d Making mental notes like this shows you\\u2019re listening, and it creates the potential for deepening a relationship.\\xa0

Take action by drawing upon the work of God in our lives

When it comes to taking action in our relationships, draw upon the wisdom and power that lies beyond ourself. Don\\u2019t settle for any old idea that pops into your head. It\\u2019s too self-limiting.\\xa0

Instead, here\\u2019s a novel thought: ask God what he would want you to do, and then ask him for the power to do it. Rely on him. It\'s a valuable relationship tool.

He may tell you to do nothing.\\xa0

He may ask you to change your thinking. \\xa0

Or he may prompt you to initiate one of a countless number of behaviors.

In a nutshell, to Act is to listen to God. What does he want you to do? Ask him. The possibilities are endless.\\xa0

Summary\\xa0

In summary, the relationship tools\\xa0I\\u2019ve mentioned in today\\u2019s show are an application of that relationship model I\\u2019ve talked about in past episodes, ORA. Observe-Reflect-Act. I\\u2019ll be talking more about this in future episodes. For now, though, just remember that ORA is about listening.\\xa0

To Observe is to listen with your eyes.

Reflect is to listen with your heart

To Act is to listen to God

Coming this fall\\xa0

I mentioned at the beginning of the show there are some changes coming here in season 8. One is that we\\u2019re going to move from a weekly schedule of episodes to a semi-monthly format. A new episode will be released on the\\xa0first and third Wednesday of each month. There may also be occasional bonus episodes or emails I\\u2019ll send out at other times in the month. The reason for this is to allow time to implement a new initiative related to this podcast.

I\\u2019ve become increasingly aware of how many of us are overloaded with information. There\\u2019s a lot of content of one kind or another coming at us like a firehose at times. Much of the content is helpful. I hope you feel that way about this podcast.\\xa0

But a shortcoming of all this content is we often don\\u2019t have opportunity to process what we hear. It\\u2019s one-way communication. Someone talks and we listen. But there\\u2019s no interaction to ask questions or learn from others how they are applying the same content we hear together.

I\\u2019d like to change that, so this fall I\\u2019m going to experiment with creating a community of like-minded people interested in developing deeper relationships in their life. It will start with a test group of mostly people who listen to this podcast. I don\\u2019t have all the details worked out and I will be looking for help from the founding members of this discussion group to do so.

I\\u2019ll be sending out more details about this in the days ahead. And hopefully, it will be something you\\u2019ll want to join.

Because someone listened\\u2026

One last item for today in terms of changes to this podcast for the fall is something I mentioned about a month ago in my August 9th email. One of our fellow listeners, Linda Crouch, told the story of how she benefited greatly from a friend who listened to her talk about her trip to Nigeria where she and her husband served as missionaries.\\xa0 It was all because someone listened.

I bet there are other similar stories you have of being blessed in one form or another because someone listened. So I\\u2019d like to introduce a segment in each episode to get those stories out.\\xa0

We\\u2019ll call it \\u201cbecause someone listened\\u201d stories. I have a hunch they will encourage all of us. So just send me a paragraph or two that completes this sentence, \\u201cBecause someone listened\\u2026\\u201d You can email it to john@caringforothers.org.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s show

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Blog articles

Email Signup

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

200: Give People the Gift of Hope

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Season seven ends today with episode 200

Before we get into today\\u2019s show, I want to remind you that today\\u2019s episode concludes season 7 of You Were Made for This.

I will be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on several projects to serve you better. They will be focused on ways to deepen our relationships and finding the joy God intends for us in them. The joy of relationships is the \\u201cthis\\u201d we were all made for.\\xa0

Even though the podcast will go dark for a while until season 8 begins,\\xa0I\\u2019d like to continue sharing with you what I\\u2019m working on in the meantime. I\\u2019d like to tell you about articles and information I come across I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.\\xa0

I\\u2019ll be doing this with occasional emails to you. If you\\u2019ve been getting my email each Wednesday about that week\\u2019s podcast episode, you are good to go. But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email, then you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to leave your email address.

Okay. So much for this housekeeping matter and on to today\\u2019s program.

A listener who needs the gift of hope

Here\\u2019s what the listener I\\u2019m calling \\u201cEmily\\u201d (not her real name) wrote in response to episode 063. This is the one about building relationships by being more curious about people. She came across this episode 2\\xbd years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

\\u201cI found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is \\u2018wrong with me.\\u2019

\\u201cI grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be \\u201cobvious.\\u201d We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.\\xa0

\\u201cNow almost 40 years old, I\\u2019m so frustrated by the fact that I don\\u2019t have any real, close friendships.\\xa0

\\u201cI don\\u2019t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don\\u2019t even know how personal relationships work. I don\\u2019t know how often you\\u2019re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be\\xa0involved in, or how often to reach out\\u2026 it sounds so silly but it\\u2019s my reality! I don\\u2019t know how to make and keep friends.\\xa0

\\u201cI\\u2019m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered\\u2026 But really I just don\\u2019t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.\\u201d

Our listeners respond

In recent episodes, I asked you and the rest of our listening audience how you would respond to Emily if they were sitting across from her in a coffee shop for a conversation about her situation. I\\u2019ll have links to those episodes at the bottom of today\\u2019s show notes.

In those episodes, I share what your fellow listeners would say to Emily. There were some very good responses. One that came in recently was from Chris,\\xa0a listener in Wisconsin. You can read his wise feedback in the comments section of episode 198. You can find it at the bottom of the show notes for that episode.

I also have a few comments to make about Emily\\u2019s concern, but first I thought you\\u2019d like to hear what our executive producer, and my boss, Carol Steward, has to say. Carol, as you may recall, is the voice you hear introducing each episode of our podcast. She was my wife\\u2019s roommate in college, and we have been friends for over 50 years. Most importantly, she was the one who first told us about Jesus when we were 19-year-old freshmen. I talk more about Carol in episode 021,\\xa0The Most Important Relationship of All.

Carol was the one who gave Janet and me the gift of hope so many years ago.

Listen now to what she had to say recently about Emily and having a conversation with her in a coffee shop:

Many of us have people like \\u201cEmily\\u201d in our lives

Hi John:\\xa0 I was on my treadmill listening to your podcast.\\xa0 It resonated with me and someone whom I know that said to me once, "I don\'t tell people anything unless they ask me about something."

She has told me that she had been abused in several relationships, and I think that this has precipitated her unwillingness to be open and free with conversation.\\xa0 I\'m thinking that she thinks the less she talks about herself, the less it will be twisted or used against her.

Is that what your "Emily" may have been feeling?\\xa0 Of course, we don\'t know because we can\'t ask her that.\\xa0 But I do know that abuse creates fear in the abused.

My heart goes out to her.\\xa0 So the best I can offer an answer to what you asked of me, is if you want to get to know "Emily", get to know her the same way you would get to know a 4 or 5-year-old.\\xa0 Be light-hearted, and just enjoy the moment with her. . . . no expectations, no big\\xa0questions, just enjoy the time.\\xa0 If the conversation only gets as far as, "Have you ever come to this coffee shop before?" and, "What do you\\xa0like about this coffee?"\\xa0 All good.\\xa0 It\'s a start, and you can build on it the next time you get together.

A gift of hope starts with wise words

So I didn\'t answer your question, did I?\\xa0 I told you what I would do in conversation with her.\\xa0 So here\'s my shot at an answer:

\\u201cSince you\'re at the coffee shop Emily, know\\xa0that I\\u2019m here because I\\xa0want to be there with\\xa0you or else I would not have shown up.\\xa0 So\\xa0ask me about my family--ages? interests?\\xa0 plans for the summer?\\xa0 \\xa0Start with that and listen.\\xa0 Occasionally\\xa0you could say, \\u2018Tell me more.\\u2019\\xa0 All relationships start with get-to-know questions. If that\'s hard for you, go to the questions of the moment, \\u2018Have you ever been to this coffee shop before?\\u2019 and \\u2018What do you like about this coffee?\\u2019\\u201d\\xa0\\xa0

My Response to Emily

When I first received Emily\\u2019s response to episode 063 about being more curious about people, I sent her an email saying something along the lines that I\\u2019m sorry she\\u2019s having to deal with the relational difficulties she mentioned, and how they\\u2019re causing such loneliness in her life. I offered to talk with her about these things.

I never heard back from her.

Maybe she didn\\u2019t get the email. Or maybe she wanted to wait a while before responding and then lost my email address. There could be other reasons, but I\\u2019ll give her the benefit of the doubt. That being said, I have a few ideas I would use in talking with someone like Emily in a coffee shop. It starts with my goal.

My goal would NOT be to fix her problem, or even to make her feel better. My goal would be to reflect the image of God well in talking with her. We\\u2019re all made in the image of God, as the Bible tells us in the Book of Genesis. What would God want for Emily is a question I\\u2019d ask myself.

I would start by building a level of trust with her, which comes from validating her feelings and showing compassion.\\xa0 I would listen well, setting aside anything weighing on me at the moment, so I could focus on Emily.\\xa0Part of listening well is asking good questions, especially follow-up questions\\xa0in response to what she says.

With people struggling with relational issues like Emily, I often find myself asking them \\u201cwhere do you see God in your situation?\\u201d It\\u2019s a way of pointing people to Jesus, to eventually find the gift of hope found in Him, and seeing how He is at work in whatever circumstance a person is facing.

Choices

Another thing I would eventually like to get to is the issue of choices. Even be so bold as after listening well and being compassionate and empathetic, to ask Emily something along the lines of, \\u201cSo, given your situation, what are you going to do about it?\\u201d\\xa0 If what she\\u2019s doing isn\\u2019t working what can you do differently, Emily?

And then let her come up with ideas. If she has a hard time answering this question I\\u2019d ask, \\u201cEmily the people you see who have good relationships; what do they do?\\xa0 What could you copy from them? \\xa0

In dealing with relational difficulties, people have more choices than they often realize. Talking things through as I\\u2019m suggesting will often help reveal those choices. As people begin to see more choices available to them, they begin to find hope that things could change for the better.

I have a hunch that the skills Emily developed as a child living with her dysfunctional family are skills she continues to use as an adult. But these are skills that are no longer needed or appropriate in healthy relational environments. She needs to learn new relational skills, and discard the old ones.\\xa0 That\\u2019s my hunch anyway.\\xa0

There\\u2019s so much more that can be said about giving people like Emily the gift of hope that things can improve in their relationships. What you\\u2019ve heard from your fellow listeners and from me is just the tip of the iceberg to help get you started.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

I bet you\\u2019ve run across people like Emily in your life. When you do, it\\u2019s wise to ask yourself HOW you can best reflect the character and image of God with that person. And then not thwart the work of the Holy Spirit in their life.\\xa0

Doing this can take so many different directions that it takes Godly wisdom to know which path to follow. So pray for wisdom at times like this.

If you forget everything else from today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

Caring well for people means at times giving them the gift of hope. To help them see the hope found in knowing Jesus is at work in their life. It\\u2019s to burn brightly with hope for them when their own hope is a dying ember.

Closing

Finally, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time while I take a break from this podcast before season eight begins.

If you\\u2019re on my email list, I\\u2019ll let you know when I\\u2019m ready with new episodes to start the next season. I\\u2019ll also send you information from time to time I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email already, you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.

\\xa0I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to think about how you can reflect the character and image of God in helping people find the gift of hope in their relationship with Jesus.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today - and for season seven of this podcast. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

I look forward to being in your ears when I\\u2019m ready to launch season eight. But until then, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time in season eight. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

197: We Don\\u2019t Know What We Don\\u2019t Know

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

199: How to Help a Friend

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry, is the sponsor of You Were Made for This.\\xa0The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

199: How to Help a Friend

How do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared?\\xa0 Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments?\\xa0 How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other?

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

As with every episode, our purpose today is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. Our listener friend, Emily, certainly isn\\u2019t experiencing any joy in her relationships. But let\\u2019s see what we can do together to help a friend like her.

Season seven is coming to a close

But first, I want to remind you of something I\\u2019ve been mentioning in the last couple of episodes.\\xa0 Next week\\u2019s show, number 200 will bring an end to season 7 of You Were Made for This.

I\\u2019ll then be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I\\u2019ll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I\\u2019d like to keep you in the know.

If you\\u2019re on my email list, I\\u2019ll send you an article or email I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email, then you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to give me your email address.

What can we do to help a friend like this?

Okay, On to today\\u2019s program. You may recall in episode 197 I mentioned that someone I\\u2019ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: \\u201cSix Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People.\\u201d I\\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes, or if you\\u2019re driving, just remember johncertalic.com/063.

Emily came across this episode 2\\xbd years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

\\u201cI found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is \\u2018wrong with me.\\u2019

\\u201cI grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be \\u201cobvious.\\u201d We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.\\xa0

\\u201cNow almost 40 years old, I\\u2019m so frustrated by the fact that I don\\u2019t have any real, close friendships.\\xa0

\\u201cI don\\u2019t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be\\u2026 I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don\\u2019t even know how personal relationships work. I don\\u2019t know how often you\\u2019re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be\\xa0

involved in, or how often to reach out\\u2026 it sounds so silly but it\\u2019s my reality! I don\\u2019t know how to make and keep friends.\\xa0

\\u201cI\\u2019m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered\\u2026 But really I just don\\u2019t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.\\u201d

The question I asked our listening audience

So again, the question I asked again of our listening audience is how do you react internally to her words? How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.?

Here\\u2019s a way to help a friend like this

Our first listener response in answer to this question comes from Marilyn from Minnesota. She writes:

\\u201cJohn, I felt like crying for this person sharing her relationship problem. I hope she has been getting some sound counseling over\\xa0the years.

\\u201cWhen I enter an unfamiliar culture I seek out a mentor or cultural guide to walk me through the confusing web. I can ask the questions that come up and that person can give valuable advice. I believe this would be a help to this person. But how can she even find someone to do it? This is the dilemma.

\\u201c\\xa0I would love for this person to be my friend and experience life with her as a cultural guide and friend. But I suppose that\\u2019s a crazy idea as a blog is not normally used for such things.

\\u201cI had parents exactly opposite from this individual. When I was very young, we had a missionary in our home for dinner. As we talked around the table, I felt free to ask him a question. In response, he complimented me for asking the question and encouraged me to continue that practice. Interesting how that one complement thrust me forward to get to know people by asking questions. This was also a lesson for me in later years to encourage and strengthen children in little and big ways. You never know the effect it will have.

\\u201cI think you\\u2019ve done programs on asking good questions. Always an excellent topic. Some people are so good at it and some are on the opposite spectrum.\\u201d

The elements of the ORA principle in Marilyn\\u2019s response

I like how Marilyn O- observed what was going on inside of her after reading Emily\\u2019s comments. \\u201cI felt like crying.\\u201d While she couldn\\u2019t physically observe Emily, she pictured what it must have been like for her. This enabled Marilyn to R-reflect on her own experience of being in an environment that\\u2019s unfamiliar - just like the world of healthy relationships is unfamiliar to Emily. This really helped Marilyn identify with what Emily is going through

Another listener response to help a friend like Emily

A second listener response comes from Randy in Pennsylvania. Randy writes:

\\u201cThis evening, I listened again to this week\'s Podcast and the words compassion and empathy come to mind when you shared some of "Emily\'s" story.\\xa0 It reminds me of the broken world we live in. None of us are born into perfect families and no doubt the baggage, hurts, and scars can be passed on\\xa0from one generation to another.\\xa0

\\u201cI think of "Emily" as a little girl who was conditioned to think so poorly of herself. It defined her and her ability to relate to others because at home she was made to feel stupid which likely shut her down emotionally. Here she is around 40 years old living emotionally imprisoned to being the "bad, stupid, etc." girl that her abusive parents brought her up to think about herself.

\\u201cIn many ways, I can relate as I regularly struggle with relational interactions and often feel like I don\'t go very deep with people. I can look at possible why\'s....a father who did not speak much.....showed his love through his work and providing not through his talking....he loved us dearly but his actions were his voice, not his mouth. My mom grew up with a very critical mother....hate to say it, but I picked up a bit of that type of thinking...

Act to help a friend

\\u201cSo, thinking back to \\u2018Emily\\u2019, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk \\u2018that she is stupid and can\'t make friends\\u2019 would be a big step forward.\\xa0 Think about working on changing her \\u2018mental Muscle Memory\\u2019 by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words, such as \\u2018I am deeply and completely loved by God\\u2026\' something short and easy to repeat.

\\u201cJohn, this is a very good exercise as what you have done by sharing this story and seeking input helps us do our own processing with taking steps forward in our own growth and healing. Thanks!\\u201d

The ORA principle we see in Randy\\u2019s response

Randy O-observed the compassion and empathy that rose within him as he heard Emily\\u2019s story. He observed what her childhood was like as Emily shared parts of it. It caused Randy to R-reflect on his own growing-up years, which allowed him to more easily identify with Emily. He also offered some A-Action Emily could take.\\xa0

He puts it this way, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk "that she is stupid and can\'t make friends" would be a big step forward.\\xa0 Think about working on changing her "mental Muscle Memory" by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

There are people like Emily all around us. Maybe you\\u2019re even one of them. Adults, who as children, were never modeled what good relationships look like. People just stuck in their relationships because they don\\u2019t know what they don\\u2019t know.

This ORA model of relating is a simple way of remembering what you can do to help a friend. We just touched upon the surface of the 3 components of this principle. There\\u2019s so much more to observing, reflecting, and acting that we don\\u2019t have time to cover here.\\xa0 After season 7 of the podcast ends next week, I plan to spend more time developing this concept so I can pass it on to you.

If you forget everything else from today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

Today\\u2019s episode about how to help a friend struggling with relationships shows that the ORA principle of deepening relationships is a useful relational tool.\\xa0Observe by watching and listening. Reflect upon what you observe and what it could mean. Act based on what you\\u2019ve observed and reflected upon.

Closing

Finally, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time after season 7 ends next week

If you\\u2019re on my email list, I\\u2019ll occasionally send you information I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email already, you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to think about how you can apply this simple relationship model, ORA, with the people in your life. It comes in handy for all kinds of relational interactions, especially when you want to help a friend.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

\\xa0I have one more listener response to Emily\\u2019s dilemma that I\\u2019ll share with you next week in episode 200 to close out season seven. And then I\\u2019ll share my own thoughts and response to Emily\\u2019s challenges.

I know you\\u2019re going to like next week\\u2019s program, and I\\u2019m confident you will find it helpful. But until then, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time, for the last time, in season 7. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People

088: Get Them to say \\u201cThank You for Asking\\u201d

Last week\\u2019s episode

198: Read Your Way to Better Relationships in 2023

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

198: Read Your Way to Better Relationships in 2023

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Reminder about last week\'s episode

Before I share the article I read about the sensitive relationship issue I mentioned, I want to remind you of how we left off with last week\\u2019s episode, #197, \\u201cWe Don\\u2019t Know What We Don\\u2019t Know.\\u201d This is the one where a listener I called Emily wrote in to say in that she doesn\\u2019t have any close friends, doesn\\u2019t understand how relationships work, and feels overwhelmed by them.

I asked you for suggestions on what to say to someone like her. So I\\u2019d appreciate your thoughts on this matter, and so would Emily. You can send them in an email to me, john@caringforothers.org, or you can leave them in the \\u201cComment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes. I will need them soon.

If you missed that episode, you can find it johncertalic.com/197. I\\u2019ll have a link to it below.

All right. On to this relationship article I\\u2019ve been referring to. It recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal, much of which I\\u2019m quoting here. It will help you devlope better relationships in 2023.

"Simple Condolences Are Underrated"

\\u201cBoth my parents died in the past few months, leaving me an orphan in midlife. As I am an only child, they took with them the remembered archives of their marriage and my girlhood. The loss is tremendous.

\\u201cThe language to mark it isn\\u2019t. \\u2018I am so sorry,\\u2019 people say. \\u2018You are in my thoughts,\\u2019 or \\u2018for short, \\u2018My condolences.\\u2019 I used to think that simple statements like these, which seem like platitudes show a lack of sensitivity and imagination. I thought that sympathy needed to be buffered through personalized language that reflected the character of the dead person and anticipated the state of mind of the survivor.

\\u201cIn years gone by, I spent ages at my desk, straining to come up with something fresh to say to a grieving friend, and once or twice felt so inadequate to the task that I didn\\u2019t say anything."

You don\\u2019t have to be creative

"How I regret that now. Until my parents died, I had no idea how welcome simplicity can be. A statement such as \\u2018 Our hearts are with you \\u2018 doesn\\u2019t feel canned when your heart is aching. It feels like consolation. Traditional condolences convey that the thing that\\u2019s happened is so profound that novelty is beside the point. In their accessibility, the standard phrases acknowledge the universality of loss. And given their formulaic nature, they make possible a simple and painless response.

\\u201c\\u2018Thank you, I really appreciate that,\\u2019 I\\u2019ve said countless times these past weeks. And you know what? I\\u2019ve meant it every time. I really appreciated the expression of fellow feelings. I really have appreciated people\\u2019s use of compassion shorthand that lets them off having to say something original and lets me off having to talk about how I\\u2019m feeling or go into detail about how it all came about.

\\u201cMy parents were unique and irreplaceable\\u2026.. That these two people should leave the world before their daughter is as commonplace as winter snow in midcoast Maine where they lived \\u2026\\u2026 It has taken many generations to refine the words of bereavement to an elegant sufficiency. I now understand that there\\u2019s no need to come up with a custom-designed remark when someone dies. What sounds like a platitude will do nicely.\\u201d

- Meghan Cox-Gurdon. the author of The Enchanted Hour: The Marvelous Power of Reading Aloud in the Age of Distraction.

So here\\u2019s what I learned from what I read: I don\\u2019t need to be creative or profound when greeting a person who has lost someone they loved. This sure takes the pressure off. I hope it does for you, too. What a freeing truth I learned to help make for better relationships in 2023.

And it came from something I read.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

If you want better relationships in 2023, or any year for that matter, what are you reading these days to help yourself in this area? It\\u2019s easy to complain about the state of some of our relationships. But they can improve if we make an effort to read how to do it.

For we can learn from the experiences of others who write about what works in their relationships, and what doesn\\u2019t.

The \\u201cI\\u2019m sorry for your loss\\u201d article is one small example. There are even better ones found in the Bible. Romans 12 in the New Testament and the Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament are jam-packed with relationship wisdom we can put into practice today. I\\u2019ve done past episodes about these sources that can help you achieve better relationships in 2023. I\\u2019ll have links to them in the show notes below.

If you forget everything else from today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

You will enjoy better relationships in 2023 when you read how to develop and nurture them from wise authors who know what they\\u2019re talking about it. While there\\u2019s a lot of questionable relationship advice floating around out there, there is much relational wisdom available to us if we look in the right places. The Bible is one such place.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to read something that will help you achieve better relationships in 2023.

Lastly, I mentioned in last week\\u2019s episode that season 7 would be ending with episode 200 in just two weeks. I\\u2019ll then be taking a break from podcasting for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I\\u2019ll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I\\u2019d like to keep you in the know.

If you\\u2019re on my email list I\\u2019ll send you articles like I just read that I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email, you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time for episode 199, just two left before season 7 closes down. Goodbye for now.

Last week\\u2019s episode

197: We Don\\u2019t Know What We Don\\u2019t Know

All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

197: We Dont Know What We Dont Know

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I\'m here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button. Then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.

The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Season seven is coming to a close

Before we get into today\'s episode about the challenging comments from a listener, there\\u2019s a housekeeping matter I need to tell you about. You are listening to episode 197 at the moment, and if my math is right, episode number 200 will be upon us in just a few weeks. That will bring us to the end of season seven of You Were Made for This.

I\\u2019m then going to take a break from these weekly podcasts to work on a few things I\\u2019ve been wanting to do in order to serve you better. I plan to take some of the content of our 200 episodes, update the material where needed, and re-purpose some of it in written form. Maybe in video as well. I don\\u2019t know. I have more ideas than I have time to implement them. Well, see.

Having said this, I don\\u2019t want to take a break from staying in touch with you. Even though there will be no new episodes for a while after #200, we can still stay connected by occasional emails now and then. If you\\u2019ve been getting my Wednesday email about that week\\u2019s podcast, you\\u2019re good to go. There\\u2019s nothing more you need to do.

But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email, I\\u2019d like you to join my email list so I can stay in touch with you about the things I\\u2019m working on - and what I\\u2019m learning about relationships. Just go to johncertalic.com/follow to sign up.

Often I come across stories I think you would find interesting, and sending you an email about them from time to time would be the easiest way to get them to you since the podcast will be in hiatus for a time.

Back to our regularly scheduled program

Last fall, someone I\\u2019ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: \\u201cSix Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People.\\u201d I\\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes. But if\\xa0 your are driving, or otherwise preoccupied, just remember johncertalic.com/063.

Emily came across this episode 2\\xbd years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

We don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know

\\u201cI found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is \\u2018wrong with me.\\u2019

\\u201cI grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be \\u201cobvious.\\u201d We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.

\\u201cNow almost 40 years old, I\\u2019m so frustrated by the fact that I don\\u2019t have any real, close friendships.

\\u201cI don\\u2019t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be\\u2026 I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don\\u2019t even know how personal relationships work. I don\\u2019t know how often you\\u2019re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out\\u2026 it sounds so silly but it\\u2019s my reality! I don\\u2019t know how to make and keep friends.

\\u201cI\\u2019m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered\\u2026 But really I just don\\u2019t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.\\u201d

I\\u2019ll have more to say about Emily\\u2019s comments later, but for now I\\u2019ll say she\\u2019s experiencing the challenge many of us face when we don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know.

So what does Emily\\u2019s response to an episode that first dropped 2\\xbd years ago have to do with you?

What it has to do with you is that at one time or another you will have people in your life who feel the same way Emily does. Friends, family members, maybe one of your own children! Maybe even you. People experiencing what Emily is going through challenge us in how to relate and care for them.

For the past 194 episodes of this podcast we\\u2019ve talked about relationship skills and principles in one form or another. So I\\u2019d like us to try something. Let\\u2019s use Emily\\u2019s story to put into practice what you\\u2019ve learned about relationships. Let\\u2019s use her situation as a case study of what to do when we don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know.

To begin, how do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared? Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments? I\\u2019m really interested in your thoughts on this one. Let\\u2019s see what all of us can learn in how to relate to someone like this.

Leave your thoughts in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or send them to me in an email. (john@caringforothers.org) If you want to remain anonymous, that\\u2019s fine, just let me know.

Now, I know many of you are driving while you listen to the podcast or you\\u2019re doing other things like folding laundry, shoveling snow, or finally putting away your Christmas decorations. So I\\u2019ll repeat what Emily said so you can think about how you would respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.

How would you respond to Emily?

Listen carefully to what goes on inside of you as you hear her comments, and then what would you do or say if she said the following:

\\u201cI found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is \\u2018wrong with me.\\u2019

\\u201cI grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be \\u201cobvious.\\u201d

We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.

\\u201cNow almost 40 years old, I\\u2019m so frustrated by the fact that I don\\u2019t have any real, close friendships.

\\u201cI don\\u2019t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be\\u2026 I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don\\u2019t even know how personal relationships work. I don\\u2019t know how often you\\u2019re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out\\u2026 it sounds so silly but it\\u2019s my reality! I don\\u2019t know how to make and keep friends.

\\u201cI\\u2019m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered\\u2026 But really I just don\\u2019t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.\\u201d

I\\u2019ve got some thoughts of my own about Emily\\u2019s comments, but I\\u2019ll wait to share them until after I hear from you.

If you forget everything else from today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

We don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know is often the case when it comes to relationships, especially when we\\u2019re lonely. We all need each other to show us what we don\\u2019t know. To tell us what\\u2019s true about us when we can\\u2019t see it ourselves.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s topic about we don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know, and how it applies to the listener comments from Emily.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

All past and future episodes:\\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Last week\\u2019s episode

196: How Will You Be Remembered?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

196: How Will You Be Remembered?

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

The author of one of my all-time favorite books

One of the top five books I\\u2019ve ever read is Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can\\u2019t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I\\u2019ve mentioned the book in previous episodes, and I think at some point I should do a deeper dive review of it. She has a new book that came out late last year in 2022 that is also worthy of a review, Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole.

I\\u2019ll have links to both books in the show notes.

With two books under her belt, and online courses she developed, Susan Cain also started a weekly email newsletter, which I signed up for.

Sign up for my own weekly email newsletter

As a side note here, many of the listeners to this podcast also get my weekly email which gives a brief description of that week\\u2019s episode. If you\\u2019re not getting this yourself every Wednesday, and would like to, go to johncertalic.com, scroll a few inches down the page, and under \\u201cActionable relationship insights delivered weekly to your inbox,\\u201d enter your name and email address.

Okay. Back to Susan Cain and the story she tells in the recent email she wrote. Here\\u2019s what she said:

On my way to tennis a few weeks ago, I realized I forgot my water bottle at home. I pulled into a gas station and asked if they sold water.

"We have no store," said the attendant. Then he looked at me, went to his office, and came back with two bottles of Poland Spring. I pulled out my wallet. \\u201cNo, no,\\u201d he said, waving off my dollars with a wistful smile. \\u201cYou have the face of my mother.\\u201d

The man wasn\\u2019t young; he wore a turban and spoke with a heavy accent; he was far from his childhood home. I imagine it\\u2019s been many years since he last saw his mother. I drove away with tears in my eyes. The gift he gave me that day was precious as water itself.

This is why we\\u2019re alive \\u2013 for moments like this\\u2026

What a beautiful line, This is why we\\u2019re alive \\u2013 for moments like this\\u2026 I\\u2019ll come back to it in a little bit
Her encounter with the gas station attendant reminded me of a similar event I experienced last summer.

A similar encounter

My wife Janet and I wanted to get together with our three local grandkids, so we offered to take them out to dinner one evening. They wanted to go to Mod Pizza. It\\u2019s one of those chain restaurants where you go through a line and they make a personal pizza for each person. It looks like an assembly line where they add any of the ingredients you want onto your pizza, and then they stick it in a blazing stone oven. You go sit down at a table and they call you when your individual pizza is done and out of the oven.

So there we were in line, Janet, our three adult-size grandkids all taller than her, and me at the end of the line. As we waited, we joked around with each other until it was our turn to order. One by one each person in our party told the pizza preparer the ingredients they each wanted on their pizza.

The person behind the counter making our pizzas was a friendly sort in her mid-20s; working a part-time job was my guess. I was last in line and when it came to my turn to order, she looked up at me from the last pizza she had just finished, smiled, and said in a surprised and cheerful tone.

\\u201cOh, you look just like my father.\\u201d

I smiled back at her and quickly bantered with her saying, \\u201cI bet he is a very handsome man."

She paused briefly, and then smiled again and said wistfully, \\u201cYeah, he was. He died 6 months ago. You remind me of him.\\u201d

A reflective moment

I don\\u2019t remember what I said next. Did I say \\u201cOh, I\\u2019m sorry for your loss?\\u201d I don\\u2019t remember. I was so taken by her smile and the nostalgic expression on her face that spoke volumes about her relationship with her father. Here is a young woman who loved her father, who felt loved by him, and who was so very grateful for this loving relationship they shared. It was all over her face.

I enjoy being with our grandkids every time we\\u2019re together. But all I could think of the rest of this evening was this 20-something pizza preparer. Her smile told me her father must have been a good man, a good father. It was a bittersweet moment to be thought of\\xa0 like him. I felt honored.

It made me wonder how I\\u2019ll be remembered by my wife and kids, and grandkids when I\\u2019m gone. What will they think of me 6 months after the funeral? Will they smile fondly as the pizza preparer did to me?

\\u201cThis is why we\\u2019re alive - for moments like this.\\u201d

Earlier I mentioned that I was taken by the line from Susan Cain\\u2019s email that I quoted, \\u201cThis is why we\\u2019re alive - for moments like this.\\u201d

We all leave something of ourselves behind, intentionally or not. Something of ourselves that blesses people and invokes gratitude, or sadly, sometimes just the opposite. We\\u2019re connected with each other more than we realize.

I would like to be remembered for how I related to people. Was I kind to others? Did I bring out the best in people? Was I humble? Above all, did I reflect well the character of God, which is why I was brought into the world in the first place? It\\u2019s why you and Susan Cain were brought into the world, as well. It\\u2019s the best way to be remembered after we\\u2019ve left this life.

Sometimes that\\u2019s all we need to know about who we are and how we are to live. This is why we\\u2019re alive - for moments like this.

Another connection point

Getting back to Susan Cain\\u2019s email and her story about the gas station attendant, she said

If you\\u2019ve had an experience like this (or a distant cousin to this), I would love to hear about it. (I read every single one of your e-mails, and do my best to reply to some of them.)

So I wrote back to her and summarized the story I just told you about the pizza preparer who said I reminded her of her father who died six months earlier.

A week later I received an email from a person by the name of Renee, who indicated she was Susan Cain\\u2019s chief of Staff. Her email said,

Dear John --\\xa0

Susan read and loved your letter. It gave her goosebumps!\\xa0

She asked me to tell you she was so happy you wrote to her and that you\'re part of our community. We wish you the very best!\\xa0

\\u2014 R

My best,
Renee

Here\\u2019s another connection. My mother\\u2019s name was Renee. She died 10 years ago.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?

I think God used the 20-something pizza preparer to cause me to reflect on how I want to be remembered. I thought her father is someone I\\u2019d like to be like. Where 6 months after my funeral, the family will be out for pizza and they\\u2019ll see someone that reminds them of me. And it will bring a smile to everyone\\u2019s face.

I can\\u2019t control what their response will be after I\\u2019m gone. What I can control now is my behavior, attitude, and values which gives me the best chance of being remembered well.

The same is true for you, too. How do you want to be remembered? It\\u2019s not too late to start being the person you want to be. And if you\\u2019re about 80% there, rejoice and be glad in the progress you\\u2019ve made. Trust God to help you with the other 20% as you get closer to the finish line.

If you forget everything else from today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

It\\u2019s wise to think now about how you will be remembered. You still have time to become the best version of yourself that will make people smile after you\\u2019re gone.

Closing

Before we wrap up today\\u2019s show, if you\\u2019d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you\\u2019re dealing with, I\\u2019d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you\\u2019d rather put your question in writing, enter it in the Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to think about how you want to be remembered, and what you might need to do to make that happen.

For when you think and reflect upon things like this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Remind them of someone good in their life. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Susan Cain\\u2019s books

Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can\\u2019t Stop Talking

Last week\\u2019s episode

195: Words Matter

All past and future episodes: \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

195: Words Matter

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

A listener responds to \\u201cThe Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.\\u201d

The first listener response I\\u2019m sharing is in reference to episode 193, \\u201c The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.\\u201d It comes from Randy, a listener from Pittsburgh. He writes:

\\u201cGood morning John,

I listened this morning to this week\\u2019s You Were Made for This. I appreciated how you described an approach to engaging with scripture. It reminded me of what I\\u2019ve been doing for the last year, since bringing Tiana into our family. (Tiana is their new family dog) As I am reading passages, I place a mark when I\\u2019ve completed a section. I also have my stack of prayer cards I use as my bookmark. \\u201c

Thanks for your feedback, Randy. I should add that in the show notes for that week\\u2019s episode, I included a photo of me reading the Bible, with our new cat, Father Patrick O\\u2019Malley, sitting on my lap. So I think that may have reminded Randy of doing the same thing with their dog. And good luck with your new pal, Randy!

Words matter in the Bible - Listen, rather than read them

Another listener, Darlene, also offered her take on the same episode about Bible reading. She offered a different approach that I will have to try. Darlene writes,

\\u201cThis is the second year I\\u2019ve been doing the Daily Audio Bible (DAB) with Brian, Jill, and their daughter, China Hardin. \\xa0Last year I decided to listen to the chronological reading with Jill and China. That was my first chronological experience. Very interesting. We didn\\u2019t get to the New Testament until October.

\\u201cThis year I am doing the read-through with Brian Hardin who reads portions of the OT, NT, PS, and PROV each day. \\xa0He is excellent with his brief overviews after each daily reading.\\xa0What I also like is that every week he reads from a different translation.

\\u201cI think I\\u2019ve read through the Bible once. It is a challenge not to get behind. The audio is great as I can play it each morning while getting ready.\\u201d

Thank you, Darlene, for your comments about reading the 66 books of the Bible in chronological order, and also for the idea of listening to an audio version of the Bible. I\\u2019ll have a link to the Daily Audio Bible near the end of the show notes. It includes a free app for your mobile device and a web player for your computer.

How words matter to this listener

The last listener feedback I\\u2019m sharing with you today comes from Rosy Scott in response to episode 192, \\u201cWord of the Year for 2023 - Read\\u201d

As I read her comments, you\\u2019ll see how words matter a great deal to her. Listen to the impact they had on her recently. Rosy writes,

\\u201cJohn,
\\u201cI really like the simplicity of your word of the year. In past years I\\u2019ve chosen a motivating word, but within months could not even remember what I had picked.

\\u201cI listened to this episode twice in the past two days and have landed on my own simple word for 2023. This year I am choosing \\u2018words\\u2019 for my own word of the year.

\\u201cWords are a renewable resource that cost me so little to share. When I am generous with them, they often brighten my own soul as much as the recipient.

\\u201cIt is surprising how often taking a chance and offering the gift of words brings a positive result far greater than the painless effort.

\\u201cWords have the power to give life and cause pain. I have experienced both this year and can testify that when I share words of kindness, there is no better medicine for my own wounds or loneliness.

Words matter with strangers

\\u201cJust this morning as I began a morning jog down a familiar street, an unexpected stranger waved. Then she called out to me with a smile \\u2018enjoy your run!\\u2019

\\u201cThose simple but generous words fueled me to stop two blocks later to talk for just a minute with another person I\\u2019ve occasionally seen walking her 3-legged dog for the last many months.

\\u201cThanks to words, both of us parted with smiles in our hearts as those easy sixty seconds, combined with some previously shared words, pointed us toward potential friendship.

\\u201cThanks to your words John, I am going to be more intentional about using words to connect with both strangers and friends.

\\u201cAnd thanks to lessons I learned the hard way in 2022, treat words with the healthy fear and respect they deserve.

\\u201cPerhaps 2023 will become my year to use words for healing and repair, instead of destruction which comes so much easier than I am often willing to admit. Until the damage has already been done.

\\u201cThank you for your generosity with words via your podcast and weekly email! Blessings to you in the coming year\\u2026\\u201d

And thank you, Rosy, for your beautifully written words. I love the examples you give of their power to bless people. May you, and the rest of us, hear kind, empowering, and compassionate WORDS spoken to us this year. And may we speak these same kinds of words ourselves to others who need to hear them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Words matter. Our words to others and their words to us. They have the power to bless or destroy. Be careful what we speak, hear, and read. Use them wisely and with care to bless others and ourselves. Treasure the truth we find in them.

Closing

Before we wrap up today\\u2019s show, if you\\u2019d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you\\u2019re dealing with, I\\u2019d love to hear from you. Just go to the contact page on our website, johncertalic.com to let me know what\\u2019s on your mind. I\\u2019ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.
Just scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and enter them in
the Leave a Comment box.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to treasure the truth we find in the words we speak, and those we hear. Because words matter.

When you do this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. You Were Made for This, as you know by now.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

Daily Audio Bible - https://dailyaudiobible.com/

Episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
Episode 021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s show

194: Martin Luther King, jr. - The Silence of Our Friends

All past and future episodes: JohnCertalic.com/podcast

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

194: Martin Luther King - The Silence of Our Friends

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

The day our pastor yelled at me

When I first read the quote from Martin Luther King an incident popped up into my mind, like a jack-in-the-box that just sprung loose. It was the time the silence of my friends drowned out the words of my \\u201cenemy.\\u201d It happened the night the pastor of the church yelled at me.

• A deacon board meeting at church (we had no elder board at the time) A concern we talked about that evening was people leaving the church
• The 8 of us sat at several tables arranged in a horseshoe. I suggested we contact those leaving and ask why. Do exit interviews
• The pastor got angry, and while pounding his fist on a table said to me, \\u201cWe don\\u2019t need to do that. I know why people are leaving. It\\u2019s families where the wife wears the pants in the family. Those are the people who are leaving the church!\\u201d
• His take on the problem was completely inaccurate. His anger caught me and everyone else off guard. I never considered him my \\u201cenemy.\\u201d But what struck me most about that evening and what I remember to this day was the \\u201csilence of my friends\\u201d sitting at that board meeting with me.
• Without regard to the pastor\\u2019s analysis of the issue, which in my view was woefully inaccurate, no one said anything in the meeting. Notjhing about his yelling at me and pounding his fist on the table. Even if you agreed with the pastor\\u2019s view, it was inappropriate to respond as he did.

The silence of our friends

• No one said a word to him, or to me, and I felt like I was hanging in the wind because no one called the pastor out for his outburst
• Who are these people I thought? Are they that weak?
• Days latter an older man on the board, my father\\u2019s age, did tell me privately that the pastor\\u2019s reaction to my suggestion was totally inappropriate. But he said nothing at the meeting
• As I think about that night, I think about the times I\\u2019ve been weak myself in failing to speak the truth when someone needed defending.
• I can think of two occasions where I failed to stand up strongly enough for two different youth pastors in two different churches. Both of these guys were great youth pastors. In one case, the board was legalistic and intolerant of new ways of doing youth ministry, and in the other, the senior pastor was intimidated by how gifted his youth pastor was in relating to people, and in his preaching, which was superior to his own.

Others who spoke for me when I couldn\'t speak for myself

These examples of \\u201cthe silence of our friends\\u201d reminds me of several times when people actually did stand up for me. When they spoke for me. As a high school student, an English teacher recognized that I was capable of higher-level academic work and advocated for me to be placed on a more advanced track.

In my book, THEM, I write about a guidance counselor who was able to get financial aid for me to attend college 250 miles from home when I had no hope of ever getting any help. It\\u2019s no exaggeration to say that what she did changed the course of my life. For the better.

There are times in life when we could all use an advocate. And there are times when God presents us with opportunities to be an advocate for others. To speak on their behalf when they can\\u2019t speak for themselves.

Ending my silence to speak for those who couldn\\u2019t

A number of years ago I was at an annual meeting of the church we were attending. These are normally pretty dull affairs, at least for me. But in this particular meeting, there was a discussion about a missionary couple the church had been supporting for many years. The plan at this meeting was to stop supporting this couple because they were \\u201cretiring\\u201d and moving back to the US. People seemed in favor of this idea.

But I knew this coupleI knew that their definition of \\u201cretiring\\u201d was to return back to the US and continue the Bible translation work they had been doing for people groups in Asia for several decades. They didn\\u2019t need to be in Asia to do their work, but they still planned to travel back there on occasion. They were going to be working just as hard in the US as they were in Asia.

I\\u2019m not one to speak up in meetings like this, but I did this time. I couldn\\u2019t sit in silence while decisions were made about them. Fortunately, that original proposal was dropped, and their support continued.

Speaking up for teenagers

• I was a teacher back in the \\u201870s at a high school in a semi-rural area in S.E. Wisconsin
• Kids, mostly boys complained about the poor condition of the student parking lot behind the school. Lots of potholes. Suspension systems being ruined. It was a mess.
• The students voiced their complaints, but nothing was done to correct the problem
  My solution: check with the police and see if there is anything prohibiting parking along the highway in front of the school. If it\\u2019s legal to park there, start doing that and see what happens. So that\\u2019s what they did.
• It caught the attention of everyone. Within a couple of months, the city passed a \\u201cno parking\\u201d ordinance and put up signs along the highway in front of the school. Eventually, the parking lot was repaired.
• It brought me joy seeing these kids getting their voices heard. Their actions broke the silence of the school administration in ways their words could not.
• It\\u2019s been decades since this happened and several years ago I happened to be driving past this old high school where I taught and saw that the \\u201cNo Parking\\u201d signs are still there.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

It\\u2019s just a couple of days past the Martin Luther King holiday here in the US, and it makes me wonder how the quote of his I mentioned in the beginning has been part of your experience. Where you remember not so much the words of your enemies as you do the silence of your friends.

It also makes me wonder if you are anything like me, where your silence, is like mine. And it has kept you from speaking up for someone who can\\u2019t speak for themself. Is there anyone you think God may want you to advocate for?

We certainly are not to speak up about everything. And many times the wisest thing to do is to sit in our silence and watch what happens.

It takes Godly wisdom to know when to speak, and when to remain silent.

Here\\u2019s the main of the episode I hope you take away with you

Here in the week where we honor Martin Luther King, jr. let\\u2019s take his words to heart and not become one of those he mentions in his statement, \\u201cWe remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.\\u201d Let\\u2019s pray for wisdom to know when, and how, to speak up and give voice to those who can\\u2019t speak for themself.

Closing

Before we wrap up today\\u2019s show, if you\\u2019d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you\\u2019re dealing with, I\\u2019d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you\\u2019d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the "Leave a Comment" box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about speaking up for others who need you.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes. Then click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

The place to access all past and future episode:\\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Last week\\u2019s episode

193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023

But before we get into all this, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Intimidated by Pat Boone

I recently read a Wall Street Journal article about Pat Boone entitled \\u201cLast of the Hollywood Squares.\\u201d It was about how this actor, whom I\\u2019m guessing is about 420 years old by now, has capitalized on his squeaky-clean image throughout his career. He stands in stark contrast to the typical Hollywood actor that comes to mind these days.

The article talked about Pat Boone\\u2019s faith and that he has read through the entire Bible for each of the past 40 years. 40 Years! Yikes!

Read through the Bible in a year

People like this intimidate me. I\\u2019ve read through the entire Bible I think 3 times. But I\\u2019m clearly an underachiever when compared to Pat Boone. I followed a Bible reading plan that each day of the year included chapters from the old testament, the new testament, and the book of psalms. I would read the selected passages for the day, and then put a checkmark in the box next to that day\'s reading.

I\\u2019m glad I did this. I saw themes and issues that repeated themselves that gave me insight as to what is important to God, which in turn showed me how I should then live.

If you like feeling a sense of accomplishment, this type of plan works well. The downside to this reading plan for underachievers like me is that some days I\\u2019m just reading to be able to check off the box that I completed the task. Some days I was reading just to read, and not to draw closer to God and understand him better. That\\u2019s the underachiever in me.

Another downside, if this is the first time you\\u2019re considering reading through the Bible in a year, is that we\\u2019re already 11 days into the new year as of the date of this episode. It puts you 11 days behind most Bible reading plans.

Another option

But I have an alternative I\\u2019d like you to consider. Last summer I came across an idea from a Bible teacher I heard at a Christian family camp we\\u2019ve been going to for years. As an aside to whatever he was talking about that day, he said in passing,

\\u201cIf you want to get to know Jesus better, read just 3 chapters a day from the Gospels, and you\\u2019ll finish all four of them in a month.\\u201d

I started doing that on September 1, but by the middle of the month I got behind, and then on some days couldn\\u2019t figure out where I ended the day before so I could start the next day\\u2019s reading. As an underabhvier, this was not surprising. So I came up with a slightly different Bible reading plan. This one could work for you, too.

My Underachievers Bible reading plan for 2023 is to still stick with just reading a portion of the four gospels every day this year. It will mean going over the four Gospels several times during the course of 2023.

The difference between this plan and the one from the Bible teacher I heard last summer, is that sometimes I\\u2019ll read 3 chapters in a day, sometimes 2, and maybe even 4 chapters. Plus, it\\u2019s easier to keep track of. Here\\u2019s how it works.

Here\\u2019s how it works

Open your Bible and start reading the first complete chapter that begins on the page on your left. Continue reading onto the page on the right side. Start any new chapter that starts on the right-hand page, and don\\u2019t stop until you\\u2019ve completed reading the chapter. This will usually mean turning the page, and finishing up that chapter on the next page on your left. You stop here for the day. Tomorrow, you pick up where you left off with a new complete chapter on the page on your left. It\\u2019s rinse and repeat every day.

For example, today I opened my Bible to the page where I placed the burgundy bookmark ribbon yesterday after finishing that day\\u2019s reading. I\\u2019m in the Gospel of John at the moment. The left page continues the text from the end of John 12 from yesterday\\u2019s reading. I started today\\u2019s reading with the first complete chapter on the left-hand page, chapter 13.

It continues onto the right page and ends there. Chapter 14 starts here, and then I turn the page to get to the rest of chapter 14, which ends in the middle of the page and where I stop for the day. I place my bookmark here, which tells me where I start the next day.

So you start each day with a new complete chapter, and you end each day finishing a chapter.

Using a bookmark eliminates the need to check off a box for a pre-determined reading for a particular day. If you\\u2019re a box checker-offer, type, this approach may not work for you. But for underachievers like me, this bible reading plan works well for getting to know Jesus better.

Here\\u2019s what I\\u2019ve noticed

I\\u2019ve been doing this for four months now, just reading through the four gospels multiple times as I\\u2019ve described. Here are a few things I\\u2019ve noticed in my reading.

• The story never gets old. It\\u2019s like looking at a painting several times over a period of time and seeing something new each time you see it again.
• I\\u2019ve seen how much Jesus spoke against the religious leaders of the day and their hypocrisy. How they misled people and were out to hold onto the power they had over people
• How much Jesus loved people
• The lengths to which Jesus used simple stories to illustrate profound truths
• How a relationship with Jesus is not as hard as we make it. In John 6:28-29 a crowd of people who weren\\u2019t quite sure what they thought of Jesus say to him. \\u201c\\u2026we want to perform God\\u2019s work, too. What should we do? Jesus replies,

\\u201cThis is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.\\u201d

Let that sink in for a minute.

• Religion at times makes it harder to get to know Jesus.
• I don\\u2019t remember where in the gospels I read it, but there\\u2019s a scene where the disciple are walking with Jesus around town and pointing out buildings to him. I find this humorous and wonder if the gospel writer saw it too, this guided tour telling Jesus what he was already well aware of. It made me chuckle.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I\\u2019ve said it many times before that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. The most important relationship is our relationship with Jesus. Following a bible reading plan, any plan, helps nurture that relationship.

You will find more joy in life the more you read about Jesus and what he tells you. He will be the most impactful person you can read about this year. Take time to discover more about Him this year, a little each day, following a bible reading plan.

Here\\u2019s the main idea I hope you take away from today\\u2019s episode

Reading through the whole Bible this year is one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. But if this seems too daunting a task right now, give reading 2 or 3 chapters a day from the Gospels a try. Cut yourself some slack, and it\\u2019s okay if you miss a day here and there.

Closing

Before we wrap up today\\u2019s show, if you\\u2019d like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you\\u2019re dealing with, I\\u2019d love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you\\u2019d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll do my best to answer your question in a future show.

In closing, I\\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice a Bible reading plan to get to know Jesus better.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Ask people what they\\u2019re reading these days. Tell them what you\\u2019re reading. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

192: Word of the Year for 2023 - Read

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

192: Word of the Year for 2023: Read

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Word of the Year for 2023

Some people like to pick a word for the year at the end of the year to summarize what life has been like for them over the past 12 months. The dictionary people at Merriam-Webster, for example, chose \\u201cgaslighting\\u201d as their word of the year for 2022. They say it has come to mean \\u201cthe act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.\\u201d The word has an interesting origin and a more robust definition, but we\\u2019ll have to save that for another episode.

Like my podcaster friend, though, I would rather come up with a word of the year at the beginning of the year, not at the end.

So my pick for word of the year for 2023 is \\u201cRead.\\u201d

Why \\u201cRead\\u201d?

Here\\u2019s why I picked this word, rather than any number of other worthwhile words. It starts with a quote I recently came across that I\\u2019ve found to be so insightful. It comes from William Nicholson, the playwright most famous for his play, Shadowlands, the story of C.S. Lewis and his relationship with Joy Gresham whom he eventually marries. Again that\\u2019s a subject for another podcast.

Be that as it may, Nicholson says

\\u201cWe read to know we are not alone.\\u201d

I find this rather profound. It speaks to the issue of loneliness which plagues many of us, me included, and offers a remedy. We read to know we are not alone.

A text I read recently

Here is an example of something I read recently about someone\\u2019s experience that resonated with me, and reminded me I\\u2019m not alone. It\\u2019s a text I received that I\\u2019ve altered slightly to protect the privacy of a listener who wrote it. I\\u2019ll call her Emily. She writes

Well, I just listened to your Podcast 187, \\u201cAngels We Have Heard On High.\\u201d You asked if anyone wanted to share a Christmas Memory. You did have a deadline, and I missed it. However, I wanted to share with you what I discovered when I asked my husband James if he had a joyful Christmas memory that stood out in his mind. He thought and thought and couldn\\u2019t come up with one.

So now I understand why he has never been excited about Christmas in our 52 years of marriage. Has never done any Christmas shopping\\u2026didn\\u2019t participate in any decorating\\u2026I cannot remember getting a gift that he shopped for\\u2026and at work, he was known as the \\u201cgrinch.\\u201d It caused more stress in our relationship which ultimately caused me to stop Christmas shopping, and I do very little decorating. So, thanks to you, John, I at least now understand \\u201cwhy.\\u201d

Greater appreciation of people comes from reading their story

I so identify with both people in this little story. Like, James. I can\\u2019t think of a joyful Christmas memory from my childhood. I have many as an adult, but none as a kid. But I also got the sense that James has no adult joyful memories of Christmas either. I feel fortunate that I\\u2019ve been able to not let the dysfunctional part of my past interfere with the joy of the present.

On the one hand, I felt encouraged by what I read in Emily\\u2019s text. I so easily could have been like her husband James, and her text reminded me of how blessed I am that God saved me from being stuck in my past. I wish the same would be true for James.

And at the same time, I feel sad for Emily because her husband hampers her Christmas experience, and sadness for the stress it has caused her. I admire people like Emily who choose to honor her marriage vows despite the conflicts and pain that arise from time to time. How many marriages do you know that have lasted 52 years?

The Word of the Year for me in 2023, \\u201cRead,\\u201d gives me a greater appreciation for the values and character of the people like Emily who cross my path. And it only happened because of something I read, namely her text.

A joyful email I read

Another podcast listener, Marilyn from Minnesota, has written to me before. This time she wrote to share a joyful Christmas memory, even though it came in after the Christmas deadline. But I\\u2019m going to share it anyway. I loved reading it, and I think you\\u2019ll love hearing it. It\\u2019s a story her mother told her. Marilyn writes,

My grandfather was born and raised in England where he was apprenticed as a "shipwright," a finish carpenter on large ships. When he immigrated to the US at age 21, he settled in a place far from big ships. He became a "finish carpenter" in homes in northern Indiana. The Great Depression hit his business hard as people decided to save the money they had for necessities.

There was a lake near grandpa\'s home and he took a job in the winter cutting huge blocks of ice from the lake for use in refrigeration. During this most difficult financial year, there was no money to buy a real Christmas tree (the only option at that time).

On Christmas Eve, he was walking home after cutting ice on Cedar Lake. There it was, lying in a heap, a discarded Christmas tree, complete with tinsel.

Apparently, a family was heading to relatives elsewhere and didn\'t want to come home to a dried-up Christmas tree in their house. Grandpa took the tree home, set it up, and surprised his family the next morning with everything needed for a joyous\\xa0celebration!

God is at work in the stories we read

Marilyn doesn\\u2019t mention \\u201cGod\\u201d at all in her grandfather\\u2019s story, but can\\u2019t you see God\\u2019s hand in providing an unexpected Christmas tree at the last minute for this poor family? I would love to have been in the house on Christmas morning when everyone woke up to see that tinsel-laden Christmas tree. Imagine the joy that would have filled the room.

There are so many reasons why \\u201cread\\u201d is my vote for Word of The Year for 2023. One is that when we read stories of the lives of others, like the one Marilyn shared about her grandfather, we often see God at work. And when we see examples of God at work in the lives of others, it gives us hope that he is at work in our life as well. Reading her story about the Christmas tree reminds me of the verse in the Bible, John 5:17, where Jesus tells the Pharisees,

\\u201cMy Father is always working, and so am I.\\u201d

So what does what you\\u2019ve heard today mean for YOU?

If my Word of the Year for 2023 (read) doesn\\u2019t resonate with you, what word does? You have a lot to choose from. If you see possibilities in read for 2023, what are you going to read?

Today I only talked about the benefits of reading someone\\u2019s text, and another person\\u2019s email. We haven\\u2019t gotten into the rewards that come from reading books, newspapers, blogs, magazines, or other forms of the written word.

I\\u2019ll share more about this in next week\\u2019s episode. But for now, what are you going to read so that you know you are not alone?

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

\\u201cRead\\u201d is a good choice for Word of The Year for 2023. Reading what others experience connects us with people. Reading reminds us that we\\u2019re not alone in the struggles we face and that God is at work in them for our good.

Do you have a relationship question?

Would you like some input regarding a relationship issue? If so, go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. If you\\u2019d rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll do my best to answer your question in a future episode.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Feel free to send me an email, or enter your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the end of the show notes. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to set aside time to read. Go to a library and check out a book or two. Visit a bookstore.

If you make \\u201cRead\\u201d your Word of the Year for 2023 it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Tell a few people about what you\\u2019re reading. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile?

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile?

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Christmas memories

To keep the joy of Christmas rolling, I\\u2019ll start by reading a joyful Christmas memory shared by one of our listeners. Chris wrote:

A Christmas memory that stands out for me is going to a Christmas tree farm near Cross Plains, Wisconsin where we lived with dad and my siblings. I remember walking quite a bit to choose just the right tree, cutting it with our own saw, dragging it to the car and taking it home to decorate.

Then Kim, another listener, shared this joyful Christmas memory of hers:

My memory is going to my grandma\\u2019s house at Christmas and seeing her tree. She had a special ornament on her tree for every family member.. when we would get to her house we would always look for our ornament. Our name was written on the ornament. When my husband came into my life and when each of my children were born she designated an ornament for each of them. When she left her home she gave each family their ornaments. I now treasure those ornaments on my tree.

Lastly, Chris shared another Christmas memory when he wrote:

My grandparents had a beautiful old Swiss chalet on five acres in Madison Highlands with large rooms and high ceilings. The tree needed to be so large to fill the space that Papa would select a huge tree and cut off the top for our use.This worked out nicely for him because it served to also reopen the view of Lake Mendota in the distance from his property.

The places Chris refers to are in and around Madison, Wisconsin in the US.

Thanks for the memories

So Chris and Mary, thanks for sharing those Christmas memories. The theme I see in all of them is the joy of relationships. Chris with his dad and siblings, Kim with her grandmother, and Chris again with his grandparents.

Previous episodes about the joy of Christmas

Now for those of you who aren\\u2019t quite ready to say to put Christmas 2022 in the rearview mirror, I went back into our archives of past episodes and pulled out 13 of them that specifically deal with Christmas.

I\\u2019ve posted their titles and the links to them in the show notes, and I\\u2019ll say a little about each one to help you decide if you want to listen to one or more of them. If you\\u2019re driving to the store to return Christmas presents and aren\\u2019t prepared to write the links down, I\\u2019ve made it easy for you.

Each of these episodes can be accessed by going to JohnCertalic.com/ followed by the 3-digit episode number I\\u2019ll give you. I\\u2019ll start with the oldest episodes first and end with the most recent Christmas shows. And of course, this will all be in the show notes of this episode for you to look up.

The Gift of Even Though, JohnCertalic.com/004

I\\u2019ll start with the episode entitled \\u201cThe Gift of Even Though\\u201d found at JohnCertalic.com/004. And that\\u2019s spelled John with an \\u201ch\\u201d, and Certalic, C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c. JohnCertalic.com/004.

It was the first of 3 related to Christmas gifts a few years ago. This particular episode is about a phone conversation I had with our 93-year-old friend Lorraine. We first met when Janet and I were freshmen in college. She and her husband Vern wanted to have children but weren\\u2019t able to, and we were like the children - now adults - she never had.

In a phone conversation with Lorraine, she talked about how grateful she was for the rich life she had lived, even though\\u2026she was not able to have what she truly wanted.

I shared the 5 values Janet and I learned from this childless couple a generation older than us. Values we learned from watching how they lived. They were a great gift to us by showing how to live even though the desires of one\\u2019s heart are never met. It\\u2019s one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/004.

The Gift of Joy - Part 1, JohnCertalic.com/005

The second Christmas episode on my list is \\u201cThe Gift of Joy - Part 1,\\u201d found at JohnCertalic.com/005. It\\u2019s an answer to the question, \\u201cWhat do I do when I need more joy in my life?\\u201d The answer is to share in the joy others experience, even when it has nothing to do with you. I tell two stories that show how to do this. One of which brought tears to my eyes. It\\u2019s one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/005.

End the Year with Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/006

Next on my list of the joy of Christmas episodes is \\u201cEnd the Year with Christmas Joy, found at JohnCertalic.com/006. In this show, I talk about how joy is more like a cat than a dog. Let that sink in for a minute. Listen to this one to learn how joy is more like a cat than a dog.

This leads to a story about the joy of Christmas found in a flash mob that appeared out of nowhere at a shopping mall food court a few weeks before Christmas. A choir dressed like all the other shoppers springs out from amongst the crowd to sing a rousing rendition of the \\u201cHallelujah Chorus\\u201d from Handel\\u2019s Messiah.

I share a newspaper article about the event and what a moving experience it was for many who were there, and the joy of Christmas it brought into people\\u2019s lives. I include a link to the YouTube video of the flash mob scene near the bottom of the show notes for episode 006.

If you\\u2019re feeling down for whatever reason, do yourself a favor and watch the video clip. It\\u2019s one of my favorites. Again, go to JohnCertalic.com/006 for all the details.

Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made, JohnCertalic.com/045

On to the next one on the list. For me, the joy of Christmas would not be complete without watching the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It\\u2019s a Wonderful Life! In episode 045 I summarize the plot of the film, and then explain the relationship lessons that are rich gems below the surface of the storyline, namely:

• Before is often better than now
• People need our prayers
• Good leaders are good with relationships
• Keenly observing people enables us to help them
• That which bothers us most often reveals the idols in our life
• Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil
• When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined

This really is one of my favorite episodes. I could do a weekend workshop just on these seven relationship lessons from the movie. JohnCertalic.com/045.

Where Joy to the World is Found, JohnCertalic.com/046

Moving on, Episode 046 is \\u201cWhere Joy to the World is Found.\\u201d Here\\u2019s a line from that show that summarizes what it\\u2019s all about: look for joy in the ordinary, in the simple, that\\u2019s hiding in plain sight right in front of us all year round. It\\u2019s in the ordinary where the joy of Christmas is found. Go to JohnCertalic.com/046 to listen in and see how. It\\u2019s one of my favorites.

What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day, JohnCertalic.com/047

Then we have \\u201cWhat Mary Treasured on Christmas Day\\u201d in episode 047. It\\u2019s where I comment on the Christmas Story found in Luke 2:1-20 in the Bible. Relationships are what Mary treasured most, and it\\u2019s these relationships that make the joy of Christmas like no other event in human history. The implications of these relationships are what Mary pondered and treasured in her heart, and thought about them often. It\\u2019s one my all-time favorites.

A Christmas Gift of Silence, JohnCertalic.com/080

Moving on, episode 080, \\u201cA Christmas Gift of Silence,\\u201c focuses on an early player in the joy of Christmas story - Zechariah. I talk about why he was silenced, and what we learn from Zechariah\\u2019s mistake. The main point of this show is trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience. Silence can be a real gift as you\\u2019ll hear in episode 080. This is one of my favorite episodes.

A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, JohnCertalic.com/081

Next is \\u201cA Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection,\\u201d in episode 081. Here I discuss the personal connection between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, and the gift of having people in our life who \\u201dget us.\\u201d This gift certainly adds to the joy of Christmas. Elizabeth and Mary connect with each other even though there\\u2019s a large age gap between the two of them. The close relationship they each have with God makes this possible. There\\u2019s is a triangulated relationship in the best sense of the word. Relationships like this are a great gift we can give each other. Check it out at JohnCertalic.com/081. Be sure to check this one out; it\\u2019s one of my favorites.

A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, JohnCertalic.com/082

Following episode 081 is \\u201c A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, \\u201c in episode 082. It\\u2019s about anticipating the joy of Christmas. The beginning of the Christmas story found in Luke\\u2019s Gospel account is just dripping with anticipation, and the joy that comes with it.

I make the point that the deeper we know Jesus and what he\\u2019s already done for us, the more joy there is in anticipating what he will do in the future. It\\u2019s a great Christmas gift. I really like this one, and I think you will, too.

The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community, JohnCertalic.com/083

Moving on, episode 083 is the only joy of Christmas show where I interview someone. In \\u201cThe Best Christmas - Be with People in Community\\u201d I interview Josephine, a single missionary serving in Eastern Europe. She talks about being in her apartment alone in her pajamas at Christmas, some 5,000 miles from home. But then, a group of her local musician friends invite her out to play Christmas music. They did it to honor her. She talks at length about the personal meaning of Emmanuel - \\u201cGod with us.\\u201d She sees it in the shepherds on that first Christmas night and their need for community. I really enjoyed this. It\\u2019s one of my favorites.

A Better Kind of Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/134

Next is episode 134, \\u201c A Better Kind of Christmas Joy.\\u201d It\\u2019s about the characters at the beginning of the Christmas story, Zechariah, Elizabeth, and Mary. How they interact with God and each other is another way we too can experience the joy of Christmas. I enjoyed digging beneath the surface of the storyline to see how each of these characters develop. I\\u2019m pretty sure you\\u2019re going to like this one. It\\u2019s one of my favorite episodes.

Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy, JohnCertalic.com/135

Next up is \\u201cChristmas with a Good Man Brings Joy,\\u201d episode 135. It\\u2019s about Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. I call him the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament because there\\u2019s no record of him saying anything. Yet this behind-the-scenes kind of guy makes a significant contribution to the joy of Christmas by the example he sets. His actions speak volumes about what good men do in their relationships. I really love this episode, and I think you will too. JohnCertalic.com/135.

Make it a Mary Christmas this Year, JohnCertalic.com/136

Finally, \\u201cMake it a Mary Christmas this Year,\\u201d you will find at JohnCertalic.com/136. And that\\u2019s Mary, spelled M-a-r-y. It\\u2019s about the Virgin Mary\\u2019s perspective of that first Christmas, and how she applied the ORA principle of deepening relationships we\\u2019ve talked about. The episode is about what she Observed, Reflected, and Acted upon. All things that apply to us today. Like all the others, this is one of my favorite shows.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

If you want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer, listen to the episodes I described. They will help carry you through the days ahead. They\\u2019ll show you principles of healthy relationships you can put into practice every day of the year.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

The joy of Christmas is the joy of Jesus coming to us so one day we can go to be with him, fully transformed into the person we were meant to be. You were made for this.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Especially if there\\u2019s a particular past episode you found especially meaningful. You can send me an email, or share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes of this episode.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

I\\u2019ll close with a sign I saw yesterday at my eye doctor\\u2019s office. Next to the receptionist\\u2019s desk were two small blocks, one on top of the other, that read \\u201cSpread Kindness.\\u201d I\\u2019ve been thinking about that since, and it\\u2019s something I\\u2019m trying to act on. I hope you do the same. Spread kindness. And I\\u2019ll see you again next year on January 4th, for the first episode of 2023. Goodbye for now.

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Links to the Christmas episodes mentioned

The Gift of Even Though
JohnCertalic.com/004

The Gift of Joy - Part 1
JohnCertalic.com/005

The Gift of Joy - Part 2
JohnCertalic.com/006

Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made
JohnCertalic.com/045

Where Joy to the World is Found
JohnCertalic.com/046

What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day
JohnCertalic.com/047

A Christmas Gift of Silence
JohnCertalic.com/080

A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection
JohnCertalic.com/081

A Christmas Gift of Anticipation
JohnCertalic.com/082

The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community
JohnCertalic.com/083

A Better Kind of Christmas Joy
JohnCertalic.com/134

Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy
JohnCertalic.com/135

Make it a Merry Christmas this Year
JohnCertalic.com/136

End the Year with Christmas Joy
JohnCertalic.com/138

\\xa0

Listed in: religion

190: The Christmas Story In 2022

At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census.

And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David\\u2019s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fianc\\xe9e, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born.

She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord\\u2019s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. \\u201cDon\\u2019t be afraid!\\u201d he said.

Good News of Great Joy

\\u201cI bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior\\u2014yes, the Messiah, the Lord\\u2014has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.

\\u201cSuddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others\\u2014the armies of heaven\\u2014praising God and saying, \\u201cGlory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.\\u201d

When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, \\u201cLet\\u2019s go to Bethlehem! Let\\u2019s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.\\u201d

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child.

All who heard the shepherds\\u2019 story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.

~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV)

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation
136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

\\xa0

Listed in: religion

189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

"O Holy Night"

The words to \\u201c O Holy Night\\u201d were written in 1843 by Placide Cappeau, a French wine merchant and poet. Although he was never particularly religious, Cappeau was asked by a local parish priest to write a Christmas poem to celebrate the recent renovation of the church organ in his hometown. The poem was entitled \\u201cMidnight, Christians.\\u201d Four years later in 1847 his friend, Adolphe Adam, wrote music to accompany the lyrics creating the song initially titled, \\u201cCantique de Noel,\\u201d or \\u201cChristmas Carol\\u201d in English.

Adam was a French composer and music critic who wrote mostly operas and ballets. Alongside the opera Giselle (1841), \\u201cO Holy Night\\u201d is one of his best-known works.

\\u201cCantique de Noel\\u201d (i.e., \\u201cChristmas Carol\\u201d) became popular in France and was sung in many Christmas services. But when Placide Cappeau left the church to join a socialist movement, and it was discovered that Adolphe Adams was a Jew, the French Catholic church leaders decided \\u201cCantique de Noel\\u201d was \\u201cunfit for church services because of its lack of musical taste and total absence of the spirit of religion.\\u201d But even though the church no longer allowed the song in their services, the French people continued to sing it.

An American perspective on \\u201cO Holy Night\\u201d

Then in 1855, an American minister and writer, John Sullivan Dwight, saw something in the song that moved him beyond the story of the birth of Christ. An abolitionist, Dwight strongly identified with the lines of the third verse of the song

\\u201cTruly he taught us to love one another; his law is love, and his gospel is peace. Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name all oppression shall cease.\\u201d

He published his English translation of \\u201cO Holy Night\\u201d in his magazine, and the song quickly found favor in America, especially in the North during the Civil War.

Back in France, the song continued to be banned by the church for almost two decades, while the people still sang \\u201cCantique de Noel\\u201d at home. Legend has it that on Christmas Eve 1871, in the midst of fierce fighting between the armies of Germany and France, during the Franco-Prussian War, a French soldier suddenly jumped out of his muddy trench and began singing \\u201cCantique de Noel.\\u201d Then a German soldier stepped into the open and answered the Frenchman\\u2019s song with Martin Luther\\u2019s \\u201cFrom Heaven Above to Earth I Come.\\u201d

The story goes that the fighting stopped for the next twenty-four hours while the men on both sides observed a temporary peace in honor of Christmas day. There is no proof that this ever happened, but that\\u2019s why it\\u2019s a legend and a good story, never the less. One thing I couldn\\u2019t find is how or when the title of this Christmas carol became \\u201cO Holy Night.\\u201d

"O Holy Night" is a first

Years later on Christmas Eve 1906, Reginald Fessenden\\u2013a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist for Thomas Edison\\u2013did something long thought impossible. Using a new type of generator, Fessenden spoke into a microphone and, for the first time in history, a man\\u2019s voice was broadcast over the airwaves. And what did he say? He recited the beginning of the Christmas story found in chapter 2 of Luke\\u2019s gospel,

\\u201cAnd it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed\\u2026

After finishing his recitation of the birth of Christ, Fessenden picked up his violin and played \\u201cO Holy Night,\\u201d the first song ever sent through the air via radio waves.

Starting as a poem requested by a local parish priest in 1843, which morphed into a song 4 years later, \\u201cO Holy Night\\u201d has a most interesting history. Written by a poet who later left the church, then given soaring melodies by a Jewish composer, and then brought to America and used in the anti-slavery movement, this beloved Christmas carol is sung by millions around the world today.

Lyrics to \\u201cO Holy Night\\u201d

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Saviour\\u2019s birth;

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

\'Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn;

Chorus\\u2028

Fall on your knees, Oh hear the angel voices!

\\u2028O night divine! Oh night when Christ was born.

O night, O holy night, O night divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming;

With glowing hearts by his cradle we stand:

So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land,

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger,

In all our trials born to be our friend;

Chorus\\u2028

He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger!

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King! your King! before him bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is Love and His gospel is Peace;

Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother,

And in his name all oppression shall cease,

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we;

Let all within us praise his Holy name!

Chorus

Christ is the Lord, then ever! ever praise we!

His pow\'r and glory, evermore proclaim!

His pow\'r and glory, evermore proclaim!

Sources

https://www.classicfm.com/discover-music/occasions/christmas/o-holy-night-original-lyrics-composer-recordings/
(Stories Behind the Best-Loved Songs of Christmas\\u201d\\xa0 Zondervan)
https://www.christianity.com/wiki/holidays/what-is-the-meaning-and-story-behind-o-holy-night.html

What does all this mean for you?

\\u201cO Holy Night" reminds us of God\\u2019s relentless creativity in pursuing all of us. Using a man who left his faith in God to write the lyrics, and a Jew who rejects Jesus, God uses this song, over 200 years old, for the purpose of drawing us to himself.

"O Holy Night" isn\\u2019t just about one night, Christmas night. It\\u2019s about all the nights and days that follow. Nights where you are offered reconciliation and forgiveness for your sins.

Nights of faith made possible by the birth of Jesus who knows your needs and weaknesses, and who teaches us to love one another.

It\\u2019s about nights of hope for the future because Christ entered our world to save us from ourselves. It\\u2019s about nights of worship for all that the Lord has done for us.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

\\u201cO Holy Night" shows God\\u2019s passion for making himself known. He uses music written by people who don\\u2019t believe in him to comfort people who do.

Closing

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation
136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Isaac Watts

I\\u2019ll start by talking about how \\u201cJoy to the World, one of the most famous Christmas Carols of all time,\\u201d came to be. It starts with the lyrics written in 1719 by hymn writer Isaac Watts.

While he is appreciated today in church music circles, during his lifetime Watts was considered by many to be a disturbance of the status quo and even possibly a heretic for the lyrics he wrote. While he wasn\\u2019t a heretic, he was a revolutionary.

Watts grew up in a world where the music in every worship service consisted only of psalms or sections of Scripture put to music. Watts found the practice monotonous. To him, there was a lack of joy and emotion among the people in the pew as they sang. He described it like this,

\\u201cTo see the dull indifference, the negligent and thoughtless air that sits upon the faces of a whole assembly, while the psalm is upon their lips, might even tempt a charitable observer to suspect the fervency of their inward religion.\\u201d

Yikes, this sounds like me many times.

A Christmas carol from a poem

I was surprised to learn that the lyrics for \\u201cJoy to the World\\u201d actually came out of a book of poetry Isaac Watts wrote, where each poem was based on a different psalm from the Bible. Rather than just translating the original Old Testament texts word for word, he adapted them to refer more explicitly to the work of Jesus as it had been revealed in the New Testament.

The poetry book was never a best-seller, and the only remnants of it anyone can find is the second part of Psalm 98, which became the basis for \\u201cJoy to the World.\\u201d
While meditating on Psalm 98, verse 4 gripped Watts:

\\u201cMake a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises!\\u201d

Watts had no intention of creating a hymn when he composed the verse for Psalm 98 as part of his book of poetry. But then in 1836 a man by the name of Lowell Mason composed a riveting melody for Watts\\u2019 lyrics, which eventually became quite popular in the church.

The lyrics

Joy to the world, the Lord is come;

Let earth receive her King!

\\u2028Let every heart prepare him room

And heaven and nature sing! \\u2028And heaven and nature sing . . . and heaven . . . and heaven . . . and nature sing.

\\xa0

Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns!

Let men their songs employ

\\u2028While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains,

\\u2028Repeat the sounding joy . .\\xa0 repeat the sounding joy!

\\u2028Repeat . . . repeat . . . the sounding joy!

\\xa0

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make his blessings flow

\\u2028Far as the curse is found . . fFar as the curse is found . . .

Far as . . . far as . . . the curse is found!

\\xa0

He rules the world with truth and grace

And makes the nations prove

The glories of his righteousness

And wonders of his love . . . and wonders of his love!

And wonders . . . wonders . . . of his love!

Hope for better days ahead

The intent of Psalm 98 is to bring joy\\xa0to\\xa0people. \\u201cJoy to the World\\u201d inspires us to look forward to the future when sin and sorrow no longer play a part in our lives. Where no thorn infests the ground, and where we are caught up in the grace, glory, and love of God.

So what does \\u201cJoy to the World\\u201d mean for you today

It\\u2019s been 300 years since the carol was written, but it still speaks to us today.

It speaks to creating room in our hearts for Jesus, as the third line of the song declares, \\u201cLet every heart prepare him room.\\u201d No easy task these days with all the distractions we have keeping us from considering our relationship with God and how we should live in light of that relationship.

The song speaks to the joy that is yours when you consider that God is in control, that he has defeated sin, and is making his blessings flow.

One other thing that \\u201cJoy to the World\\u201d means is that we can experience joy no matter our circumstances.

Yesterday morning I received a text from a missionary who has been serving in South America for many years. She wrote to tell me she just listened again to episode 155, \\u201cHow to Find Joy No Matter What,\\u201d and that it blessed her again in the midst of the stresses of missionary life and relationships in general.

To listen to it yourself, just go to JohnCertalic.com/155.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

What better time than this Christmas season to reflect upon how God delivered joy to the world by sending us His son, Jesus. Our relationship with Him is the source of lasting joy worth singing about.

Relationship question of the month

If you have a relationship question you\\u2019d like me to answer in an upcoming episode, please go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer.

With your question, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple. If you\\u2019d rather submit a written question, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to reflect upon the meaning of \\u201cJoy to the World.\\u201d

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Inject a measure of Christmas joy into the lives of others. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s show

155: How to Find Joy No Matter What
134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

https://www.crossway.org/articles/a-brief-history-of-joy-to-the-world/

https://galaxymusicnotes.com/pages/learn-the-story-behind-joy-to-the-world

The Gospdel Coalition. "Joy to the World: A Christmas Hymn Reconsidered"

Last week\\u2019s episode

187: This Christmas Carol Invites You

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

187: This Christmas Carol Invites You

Listed in: religion

186: Thankful for Life After Death

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Thankful for Life After Death

Thank you, Carol. I\\u2019ll start by reading part of the email Janet and I received from Jill, the night Larry died at home, surrounded by Jill and their two adult children.

\\u201cWe are grief-stricken. At the same time, we are so thankful that he is pain-free and joy-filled and enjoying the glories of heaven, meeting his savior, reuniting with his parents, his brother-in-law, my nephew, and so many other dear ones. We are grateful for what the Lord Jesus did to make this possible. We were sitting with him and playing one of the many songs he loves [The Holy City] when he took his last breath.

\\u201cEverywhere we turn in the house makes us weep with his absence. We wish we could just sit and cry and hug all of you who loved him.

Thank you for your prayers.\\u201d

The burial service

Twelve days later Jill wrote:

\\u201cTomorrow it will be a week since Larry\\u2019s burial service. It crushes my heart to write those words.

\\u201cWe gathered for some family time at the funeral home, and whoever wanted to read a verse took a printed one before we crossed the street to the cemetery.

\\u201cAt the graveside, all we did was read these Scriptures.

\\u201cEach voice was loud and clear with not a single stumble\\u2014from the eight-year-old to the teenagers to the nieces and nephews and us older ones.
It was powerfully comforting.

\\u201cTonight\\u2014my first night home alone--I am reading them again. As I will do over and over again. I hope you are blessed by them.

\\u201cThank you again for your prayers.
Jill\\u201d

Scriptures that assure us of life after death

Several weeks later when Jill was visiting us in our home, she told us more about Larry\\u2019s burial service. 15- 20 people gathered around the gravesite, ranging in ages from 8 to 73. Jill had printed scripture verses on 5x7 notecards that spoke of life after death and the encouragement we can draw from them. Anyone who wanted to read the Bible verses could do so.

Here are the verses people read standing around the gravesite. I hope you can picture the scene. May they give those of us with a relationship with Jesus great comfort, both now, and for when our time on earth comes to an end.

John 3:16-17

[Jesus talking to the religious teacher Nicodemus]
God loved the world so much that He gave\\xa0his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.\\xa0That\\u2019s why God sent his son\\u2014not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

John 5:24-25

[Jesus\\u2019 promise]
I\\u2019m telling you the absolute truth: those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins\\u2014in fact, they have already passed from death into life.

And I assure you that the time is coming, indeed it\\u2019s here now, when the dead will hear my voice\\u2014the voice of the Son of God. And those who listen will live!

Picture someone reading John 11:23-26

[Jesus talking to Mary at her brother Lazarus\\u2019 grave]
Martha said to Jesus, \\u201cLord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.\\xa0 But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.\\u201d
Jesus told her,\\xa0\\u201cYour brother will rise again.\\u201d

\\u201cYes,\\u201d Martha said, \\u201che will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.\\u201d
Jesus told her,\\xa0\\u201cI am the resurrection and the life.\\xa0Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.\\xa0 Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?\\u201d

\\u201cYes, Lord,\\u201d she told him. \\u201cI have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.\\u201d

II Timothy 4:6-8

[some of the apostle Paul\\u2019s last words as he awaits life after death ]
As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near.\\xa0 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.\\xa0 And now the prize awaits me\\u2014the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing.

I Corinthians 13:11-15

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.\\xa0Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.\\xa0All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever\\u2014faith, hope, and love\\u2014and the greatest of these is love.

II Corinthians 4:16-5:9.\\xa0 What we know about life after death

[The apostle Paul in his second letter to the church at Corinth]
[And so] we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are small and won\\u2019t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!\\xa0\\xa0So we don\\u2019t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. Because the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

We know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands.\\xa0\\u2026While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it\\u2019s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.\\xa0 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee, he has given us his Holy Spirit.

[5:6-9] We\\u2019re very sure of that, dear friends. We live believing that, even though we can\\u2019t see it with our eyes. We know that as soon as we leave these earthly bodies\\u2014we\\u2019ll be at home with the Lord! And that\\u2019s where we\\u2019d rather be! But no matter where we are\\u2014whether in these bodies or there with him\\u2014our goal is to please him.

Picture one of the children reading from the following.

It\\u2019s from the apostle Paul and one of his letters to a church he loved dearly. He described Papa\\u2019s (i.e, what the grandkids called Larry) future & ours:
Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die,
but they will be raised to live forever.
Our bodies are buried in brokenness,
but they will be raised in glory.
They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength.
They are buried as natural human bodies,
but they will be raised as spiritual bodies.

Because here\\u2019s the thing, dear brothers and sisters.
God has amazing, eternal blessings planned for us.

But our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. Our bodies have to be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies have to be changed into immortal bodies to experience the eternal blessings God has prepared for us.

[That\\u2019s what\\u2019s going to happen to Papa and great-grandpa Bartlett and all us \\u2018left-behind\\u2019 ones!]

Those left behind can be thankful for life after death

And for we who are left behind:
Listen! Let me tell you a wonderful secret!
We may not all die.
But we WILL all be transformed.
It will happen in a moment\\u2014in the blink of an eye--
when the last trumpet is blown.
I say \\u2018in the blink of an eye\\u2019, because when the trumpet sounds, those who have already died will instantly be raised to live forever!
And we who are living will also be immediately transformed.
Our bodies will be changed into bodies that never die!

Then \\u2013then what God promised in His Word long ago
will be fulfilled:
Death is swallowed up in victory.

You think you can hurt us, death?
You think you\\u2019ve won?
Never!
You are conquered forever\\u2014through Jesus Christ our Lord.

[I Corinthians 15:42-55, 58]

So my dear children and grandchildren and mother and sister and brother and in-laws and nieces and nephews: be strong and immovable.

Always work enthusiastically for the Lord\\u2014because we know that nothing we do for the Lord is ever useless!

Romans 6:5, 8-9

Since we have been united with Christ in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was.

And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him.

Parts of Romans 8:18-24 [paraphrase]

Just think, friends! We are God\\u2019s children\\u2014His heirs\\u2014those He is showering with all His goodness. And in fact we are going to be glorified with Him!

And this suffering that we\\u2019re going through now\\u2014it is going to seem like nothing --not even worthy to be mentioned compared with that glory that\\u2019s ahead.

I\\u2019m talking about the glory that the whole world will see when God reveals all of us His children--sharing in all His glory!

Another reason to be grateful for life after death

With eager hope,\\xa0creation looks forward to the day when it will join God\\u2019s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.\\xa0 Right now\\u2026all creation is still groaning, as it has been since the fall. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, because we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.
That\\u2019s the hope God gave us when we were saved!

Romans 8:31-39

[Larry loved listening to these verses in his final days.]
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?\\xa0 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won\\u2019t he also give us everything else?\\xa0 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one\\u2014for God himself has given us right standing with himself.\\xa0 Who then will condemn us? No one\\u2014for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God\\u2019s right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ\\u2019s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?\\xa0 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God\\u2019s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,\\xa0neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow\\u2014not even the powers of hell can separate us from God\\u2019s love.\\xa0 No power in the sky above or in the earth below\\u2014indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Another child reads from Colossians 3:1-4

[the apostle Paul to the church at Colosse; Papa loved these verses]
Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God\\u2019s right hand.\\xa0 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.\\xa0Because you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.\\xa0 And when Christ, who is your\\xa0life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory!

Ephesians 3:14-21

[Paul\\u2019s prayer for the Ephesians; this is our prayer for all of us in the family]
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.\\xa0 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God\\u2019s love and keep you strong.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God\\u2019s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

I Thessalonians 4:13-18

[the Apostle Paul explains what will happen to believers who have died]

And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.
[The reason we don\\u2019t grieve like they do is] because we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again\\u2014so we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.
We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died.
For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout\\u2026
with the voice of the archangel
And with the trumpet call of God.
First the believers who have died will rise from their graves.
Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.
Then we will be with the Lord forever!
So encourage each other with these words.

Imagine another child around the gravesite reading from Revelation 21:1-6

[This is what Jesus showed his disciple John, and what Papa and all of us are looking forward to!]
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone.\\xa0 And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, \\u201cLook, God\\u2019s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.\\u201d
And the one sitting on the throne said, \\u201cLook, I am making everything new!\\u201d And then he said to me, \\u201cWrite this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.\\u201d\\xa0 And he also said, \\u201cIt is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega\\u2014the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life.

Parts of Revelation 21 tells about life after death

So he took me in the Spirit\\xa0to a great, high mountain, and he showed me the holy city, Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God.\\xa0 It shone with the glory of God and sparkled like a precious stone\\u2014like jasper as clear as crystal.
The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass.
The twelve gates were made of pearls\\u2014each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass.
I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple.\\xa0 And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light.\\xa0 The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory.\\xa0Its gates will never be closed at the end of day because there is no night there.

Parts of Revelation 22

[What awaits us in our life after death is more of what Jesus showed his disciple John\\u2014the end of the Story!]
No longer will there be a curse upon anything. For the throne of God and of the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him.\\xa0 And they will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads, and there will be no night there\\u2014no need for lamps or sun\\u2014for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever.
Then the angel said to me, \\u201cEverything you have heard and seen is trustworthy and true. The Lord God, who inspires his prophets,\\xa0has sent his angel to tell his servants what will happen soon.\\u201d

And Jesus said:
Look, I am coming soon!
Yes, I am coming soon!
[And we say:]
Amen! Come Lord Jesus!

I Timothy 6:15-16

At just the right time Christ will be revealed from heaven by the blessed and only almighty God, the King of all kings and Lord of all lords.\\xa0 He alone can never die, and he lives in light so brilliant that no human can approach him. No human eye has ever seen him, nor ever will. All honor and power to him forever! Amen.

Hebrews 13:20-21

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.

II Thessalonians 2:16-17

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.
To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.

Jude 24-25

Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault.
All glory to him who alone is God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his
\\u2026before all time
\\u2026and in the present
\\u2026and beyond all time!
Amen.

1 Passages from New Living Translation and/or the BRE [Bible in Real English\\u2014Jill\\u2019s paraphrase for kids]. All passages were read clearly and distinctly by adults and children as young as 8, with not a single stumbling. It was a huge blessing to hear.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How does what you heard today affect how you view death? Your own death?
I wonder what you would like said and done at your funeral service.

I especially wonder how your relationship with Jesus, or for some of you, lack of relationship with Him, will affect your last days on earth and the people you leave behind.

These are important questions to consider. Our life after death depends on how we answer.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Our relationship with Jesus enables us to be grateful for life after death. Those we leave behind who also have a relationship with Jesus can be comforted by this important truth. We will all be together again one day because Jesus defeated death. Sadly, there are those who refuse this great gift because they don\\u2019t want a relationship with Jesus.

Relationship question of the month.

On a lighter note, our relationship question of the month as we move into the Christmas season is this:

What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday?

Just go to johncertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple. If you\\u2019d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I\\u2019ll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope you were encouraged by the fact that we can be thankful for Life after death

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/186. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

185: Thankful for Curious People

The only thing posted in my day was the time and place of the next anti-war protest rally.
Demonstrations about how the South succeeding from the Union was going to lead to war. That kind of thing.

Anyway, I\'ve included a photo of George\\u2019s RA bulletin board . As you can see, at the top he posted in big bold letters, "Are You Curious About George?,"\\xa0 accompanied by a cut-out of the Curious George monkey. He then attached pictures representing his interests and things important to him.

I\\u2019m going to tell you what happened as a result of that creative bulletin board, but before I do, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Was anyone curious about George?

Just recently I talked to George about his RA bulletin board and asked him if anyone on his floor was, in fact, curious about him. Did anyone ask about any of the things he displayed about his interests?

\\u201cJust one person,\\u201d George said. \\u201cAnd it was only a very brief conversation.\\u201d

Yeah, that\\u2019s how it usually goes, I thought. There aren\\u2019t a lot of relationally curious people out there. And that\\u2019s a shame. I talked about this in several episodes in the past, and I\\u2019ll have links to them at the end of the show notes:

Why I\\u2019m thankful for Curious people

But here\\u2019s why I\\u2019m thankful for relationally curious people, though they are few in number. Not nosey people, but curious people. I talk about the difference in episode 165.

Curious people honor others by wanting to know someone\\u2019s story. By being interested in a person\\u2019s history, and why someone is the way they are. With the questions they ask, they give people a voice and an opportunity to be known. I\\u2019m thankful for people like this.

Curious people try to connect with others by listening, rather than talking. Oh, there are so many talkers out there today, but so few really good listeners. Most talkers are good people and mean well. But sadly, they engage with others by using their words rather than their ears.

Curious people aren\\u2019t like this. They tend to be good listeners. They draw people out to make them the center of attention, rather than themself. I\\u2019m always drawn to someone who by their very nature makes other people the focus of a conversation, rather than themself. Curious people are like this, and I\\u2019m thankful for them.

Another thing about curious people that I appreciate is how they deal with relational problems. They are curious enough to look below the surface of an issue to discover what may be causing it. Curious people look beyond the obvious. They consider possibilities that may go unnoticed by others.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today about curious people to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?

I suggest giving a try at being more relationally curious yourself. In conversations with people make fewer statements and instead ask more questions. Ask just one follow-up question and see how that enriches your relationships.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Be thankful for the relationally curious people in your life. They bless us by showing how we can all connect better with each other by listening, rather than talking. They honor us by giving us a voice so that we feel the joy of being known.

Relationship question of the month.

In previous episodes, I asked for your response to a question I asked for the month of November. I did not get ANY.

That\\u2019s OK. We\\u2019ll give it one more try.

This question I\\u2019m asking you for December is

What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? Some tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple. If you\\u2019d rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I\\u2019ll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to be a little more curious about the people who cross your path. And then act on your curiosity.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/185. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus (i.e., lack of curiosity )
063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not Curious About People
073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism
165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them

Last week\\u2019s episode

184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

\\xa0

Listed in: religion

184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

The need for a relational climate change

I think most of us at one time or another experienced what a listener to our podcast went through recently while in the check-out line at Walmart. A father in front of her had a toddler strapped in his cart, while another young child, standing at his side, engaged in all manner of behavior to irritate the kid in the cart. The poking and taunting of the toddler elicited back-and-forth yelling between the two kids.

And what do you think the father did about this? You guessed, it. Nothing.

It got so irritating to our listener friend that she stepped out of line, abandoned her cart, and went across the street to a grocery store to buy the same items she left behind at Walmart. The climate change between the two stores was palpable. From chaos at Walmart to peace and calm at the grocery store. No undisciplined kids creating tension for fellow shoppers.

The sad thing for me about stories like this is that it\\u2019s not the kids\\u2019 fault. It\\u2019s on the parents for failing to disciple their children. The dad in this case needed to go sit on a chair in the time-out corner.

My thoughts on child discipline

Having raised two kids of my own with my wife, and then watching them parent their own children, I learned a few things about disciplining children.

I\\u2019ll start with this. Parents who discipline their children well when they are younger will have to discipline them less when they\\u2019re older. When you don\\u2019t discipline kids when they\\u2019re young, it is much harder to do so when they\\u2019re older as teenagers when the consequences of bad behavior are much greater.

And then if you don\\u2019t discipline them as teenagers, you get adults like Meghan Markle who\\u2019s at the epicenter of the family dysfunction in Britain\\u2019s royal family.

It\\u2019s been reported that he said he regrets not disciplining his daughter when she was a child. \\u201cI gave her everything she wanted,\\u201d he said. \\u201cI never said no.\\u201d

Parents are sometimes reluctant to discipline their kids because they want their kids to like them, to not be upset with them. They want their children to view them as a friend. Children don\\u2019t need you to be their friend. They need you to be a strong parent to teach them the most important thing they need to know as a young child, and that is to obey.

The most important thing a young child needs to know

The main job of young children is to learn to obey. Oh, there is so much disobedience out there. But it doesn\\u2019t have to be that way.

Years ago I attended a week-long conference featuring Christian Counselors Larry Crabb and Dan Allender. During a Q & A session, someone asked Crabb for parenting advice. He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and said, \\u201cI\\u2019m not a parenting expert by any stretch of the imagination. All I can tell you is that the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child. Stick with that, and you\\u2019ll do fine as a parent.\\u201d

Let that sink in for a moment, \\u201cthe main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child.\\u201d It\\u2019s taken from Proverbs 22:15 in the Bible.

Parenting by a thousand paper cuts

If there was ever a comment to illustrate the phrase, \\u201ceasier said than done.\\u201d It would be Crabb\\u2019s comment. Parenting is hard work. Kids wear you down. Over and over again they push you to your limits of patience.

If I were to write a parenting book, I would entitle it, Parenting by a Thousand Paper Cuts. How many times do you have to say \\u201cno?\\u201d How many times do you have to pit your will against your child\\u2019s will? It is so much easier to give in to your kid\\u2019s disobedience. To just raise your voice at them, with no attendant consequence for their disobedience.

When a child disobeys, a negative consequence for the child is called for. Just raising your voice out of frustration for the child not obeying you won\\u2019t cut it.
A parent\\u2019s job in dealing with disobedience is to introduce some form of \\u201cpain\\u201d into their life. Depriving them of something they enjoy usually works. And every kid is different in this regard. It\\u2019s not rocket science.

So what does God say about discipline?

Through Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, God has a number of things to tell about us about discipline in the Book of Proverbs. I count ten verses dealing with the discipline of children. The first five are directed to children themselves, the recipients of parental discipline. If you have kids, you might want to share these with them. It likely won\\u2019t register with your children at the moment you need to disciple them. Instead, share these verses after the storm of misbehavior passes and relational calm returns.

How children should view discipline

With regard to children and what their attitude should be, Solomon says the following:

Proverbs 1: 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don\\u2019t neglect your mother\\u2019s instruction.

Proverbs 4: 1-2 My children, listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment, for I am giving you good guidance. Don\\u2019t turn away from my instructions.

Proverbs\\xa06: 20 - 23 My son, obey your father\\u2019s commands, and don\\u2019t neglect your mother\\u2019s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up, they will advise you. For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life.

Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.

Proverbs 13:1 A wise child accepts a parent\\u2019s discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction.

Why parents need to discipline their children

As for parents, here are principles from the Book of Proverbs to keep in mind about why it is so important for them to discipline their children.

Proverbs 13: 24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.

Proverbs 22:15 A youngster\\u2019s heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away. This is the sum total of Larry Crabb\\u2019s philosophy I mentioned earlier.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Don\\u2019t fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won\\u2019t kill them. Physical discipline may well save them from death.

Proverbs 29:15 To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?

If you\\u2019re a parent, disciplining your children, not only benefits them and you, it also goes a long way to improving the relational climate of those around you. No one wants to be around bratty kids. No one wants to be around parents who ignore or can\\u2019t handle their child\\u2019s misbehavior.

People probably won\\u2019t say so, but we\\u2019ll be thankful for you when your kids act up and you step in to take control of them. So be the kind of parent we can all be thankful for.

To see this in action, one really helpful thing you can do is watch episodes of the TV Show, Supernanny. You can see past episodes on YouTube. You\\u2019ll get a lot of good ideas to help you understand what may be causing you to be weak when it comes to child discipline, and how to get a lot better at it. I\\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Be thankful for parents who discipline their children. Teaching children to obey teaches them they are not the center of the universe, a lesson one can never learn too early. It also makes them a lot easier to parent when they\\u2019re teenagers. It\\u2019s a great gift to society when parents discipline their children well.

Relationship question of the month.

This question I\\u2019m asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely,

What is one relationship you are especially thankful for?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John\\xa0 and record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple.

I\\u2019ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to\\xa0 PodinBox.com/John\\xa0 and leave a message for me.

I\\u2019ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about disciplining children

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/184. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related resources to today\'s episode

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

The TV show, Supernanny

Last week\\u2019s episode

183: Thankful for People Who Inspire Us

The place to access all past and future episodes go to JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

183: Thankful for People Who Inspire Us

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.
I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Two words to describe our podcast

If I could use only one word to describe our You Were Made for This podcast, it would be \\u201crelationships.\\u201d And if I could add one more word to the description, it would be \\u201cjoy.\\u201d As in how to experience more joy in the relationships God designed for us. It\\u2019s what we were made for.

Inspire

One source of joy in relationships is to be thankful for people who inspire us. \\u201cInspire\\u201d is an interesting word. It literally means "to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something."

My wife used to love going to a home furnishings store by the name of Inspire. It sold decorative items for your house like pillows, small pieces of furniture, things to hang on the wall. Stuff like that. It certainly filled my wife with the urge to do something. I\\u2019ll leave it to your imagination to guess what that urge might have been. She doesn\\u2019t go there anymore because the store went out of business. At least that\\u2019s what I\\u2019ve been telling her when she talks about going back there. Let\\u2019s just keep that a secret between you and me. Okay?

When my book came out in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, Writer\\u2019s, Digest Magazine awarded it \\u201cbest inspirational book of the year.\\u201d My purpose in writing the book was to urge people to care better for each other, which would make us feel good about ourselves, because we were made for this.

\\u201cInspire\\u201d: to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.

People can Inspire us

The Inspire store and my book were intentional about their purpose in urging people to do something or feel something. I would add motivational speakers to these two intentional sources of inspiration.

But for me, I\\u2019ve always been thankful for people who inspire us unintentionally by the way they live. They\\u2019re the examples I would like to be more like. They don\\u2019t tell you how to conduct yourself, they show you. They\\u2019re the people who inspire us without even trying to do so. Here\\u2019s a recent example from just two months ago.

Queen Elizabeth II

When Queen Elizabeth II died on September 8, 2022, there was an outpouring of admiration for her and the way she lived her life. Ruling England for over 70 years, you\\u2019d be hard-pressed to find someone who didn\\u2019t admire her. A particularly insightful article by Daniel Henninger, one of my favorite newspaper columnists, appeared in The Wall Street Journal a week or so after she died. I\\u2019ll quote a few paragraphs from his piece, entitled \\u201cThe Countercultural Queen\\u201d:

Within the hour of her death, Queen Elizabeth II was praised by commentators from left to right for representing so many traditional values. Reserve, self-containment, duty, responsibility. modesty of demeanor, graciousness, civility, prudence, fortitude\\u2026

What is most notable is that this instant outpouring of media praise for the queen\\u2019s traditional virtues comes amid a contemporary culture that elevates daily, even hourly, a value system of self-regard, self-promotion, changeability, acting out, and anything-goes behavior that is the polar opposite of Queen Elizabeth\\u2019s.

The queen\\u2019s own family reflected this trend. First Princess Diana in the 1980s rode the rising celebrity wave, and ultimately it drowned her. Then Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, known primarily as an influencer.

\\u201cInfluencer\\u201d is the defining word of our times.

An influencer\\u2019s success depends overwhelmingly on one thing: self-promotion accomplished by rising in the hot-air balloons of Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. The goal is to marry marketing with fame. Because influencers do it, millions of others, often young women make preoccupation with self the one habit that directs their lives.

A contrast of values

To say that the queen\\u2019s values were traditional means they existed for a very long time. The poised 14-year-old Elizabeth we heard in news clips reading her first public speech to children during the Blitz of World War II had by then had by then been taught personal virtues held in high regard for centuries in the West and arguably longer in the East.

In our time, however, personal virtue has been demoted by social virtue.

One effect of giving social responsibility more weight than personal responsibility is that it gives people a pass on their personal behavior.

So long as one\\u2019s life is \\u201ccentered\\u201d on some larger social good, the conduct of one\\u2019s personal life is well, irrelevant\\u2026

The queen\\u2019s habits were a source of personal stability. Modern values are a source of instability. The habits of behavior associated with her are not about mere goodness, but about creating a structure of life inside of which one can then perform successfully as a person, hopefully for the good. She did that for her country for 70 years.

Henninger\\u2019s column is a reminder that people who inspire us often run against the grain of contemporary culture. Queen Elizabeth showed us we can live a fulfilling meaningful life when it is based on the personal virtues that have been admired down through the ages.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

A couple of thoughts come to mind. They start with going back to the definition of \\u201cinspire\\u201d I mentioned earlier, \\u201cto fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.\\u201d

Wouldn\\u2019t it be great if people said that you inspired them to be more like you? That because of who you are and how you lived you motivated them to think or behave in a way that may not have been their natural inclination? That because of you they became a better person?

It\\u2019s possible for you to be an inspiration to others when you follow the teachings of Jesus, and day by day become more like the person he created you to be. As that happens, people will notice. And they will be inspired.

Another thought I have is really a question. I wonder about the people who inspire you. What are they like? What do they do to fill you with the urge to do or feel something? And then how do they do it?

This question I\\u2019m asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely,

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple.

I\\u2019ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to podinbox.com/Johnn and leave a message for me.

I\\u2019ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

A person who inspires me

On a personal note, one person who inspires me is my boss and our executive producer, Carol Steward. You hear her introduce me at the beginning of each episode. In episode 021 I describe how I first met Carol, and how she inspired Janet and me to enter into a personal relationship with Jesus. I also talk about this life-changing experience in chapter 7 of my book, THEM.

You can learn more about Carol and how Jesus has been the cornerstone of her relationship with Janet and me in a two-part interview I did with her in episodes 100 and 101. I\\u2019ll have links to all this at the bottom of the show notes.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Being thankful for the people who inspire us has a way of motivating us to become inspiring people ourselves. Each day by becoming more like the men and women God created us to be, we model and inspire others to be the person God created them to be as well.

Relationship question of the month

Please don\\u2019t forget our Relationship Question of the month for November.

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you?

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer.

If you\\u2019d rather not record anything, please email your answer to me at john@caringforothers.org. You can also leave a written response at the bottom of the show notes for this episode in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to be thankful for the people who inspire you. And then to become more of an inspiring person yourself.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/183. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy
100: Start Conversations with Remembering
101: Life-Giving Relationships
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Last week\\u2019s episode

182: Thankful for \\u201cThe Last Time I Will Ever\\u2026\\u201d

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

182: Thankful for The Last Time I Will Ever...

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I\'mhere to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page. Enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

The last little league baseball game I will ever see

I\\u2019ve got three, \\u201cthe last time I will ever\\u2026 " stories to share with you today. Events in my life I\\u2019m thankful for this November, a month we celebrate thankfulness. I\\u2019m talking about them today hoping it will get you thinking about your the last time I will ever\\u2026 moments in your life that you can be thankful for.

The first of my stories is prompted by the times I drive past a local park near where we live. It\\u2019s where our twin grandsons, Grant and George played little league baseball when they were young. They\\u2019re both 20 years old now and in college.

They played in this baseball league through 6th grade, which was the age limit by which they could participate. Driving past this park reminds me of the last baseball game they played in. They played for one of those leagues that downplay competitiveness so that everyone on the team gets to play in every game. Even if it is just for an inning. It was all about fun, not about winning.

The last out to win the game and end the season

In the boys\\u2019 last game for the season at this park, their team was up by a run at the top of the last inning. George was playing first base, Grant was at third. The batter for the other team hit a grounder to Grant, who fielded the ball cleanly. He then reared back and with all his might and strength threw the ball in the air as hard as his skinny arm would allow to his brother at first base. George easily caught the ball on the fly, and stepped on first base to make the final out to end the game. The final play, of the final game, of their final season as little league baseball players.

Shortly after this. it hit me, this was the last time I will ever see them play little league baseball together again. It was the end of an era in their still very young lives. It was the end of the joy Janet and I were so thankful for that we could be part of as spectators. More joy would come later for other things, but this one last moment. This one last time I will ever \\u2026 moment filled me with joy I am still thankful for years later.

I\\u2019m thankful for being part of the joy they experienced in playing well together for the very last time. Thankful to see that last play that so symbolizes their connection with each as twin brothers.

Her last tennis match I will ever see

Another of my the last time I will ever\\u2026 moments happened just a few weeks ago. Our granddaughter Eleanor is a high school senior and has been on her school\\u2019s tennis team since she was a freshman. It\\u2019s been a great run for her in many ways.

Girls\\u2019 high school tennis is a fall sport where we live. Each season concludes with a state tournament that began a few weeks ago. I drove out to the school where the first round was to be held to watch Eleanor play. I knew she wasn\\u2019t going to know until after she warmed up if she\\u2019d even be able to play. Eleanor\\u2019s had a painful knee problem for the last part of the season, and then the callouses on her feet had recently broken open, exposing very tender skin. Yikes.

She decided after warming up to give it a go, so I watched her play and win her match. Though she won and advanced to the next round, the pain in her knee and feet was too much, forcing her to withdraw from the next round. The risk of further injury was too great and not worth it. You see Eleanor is also very active in ballet, and an important performance was coming up. She didn\\u2019t want to jeopardize participation in her last year of dance.

But I was so happy and thankful she got to win the last high school match she will ever play in. Yet at the same time, I felt a pit in my stomach knowing this was the last time I will ever see her do so. It was kind of sad, actually.

The next thing after the last thing

I\\u2019m sure you\\u2019ve had your own this is the last time I will ever\\u2026 moments in life. The thing I\\u2019ve learned about them is that they often lead to something better. It\\u2019s not always true, but often the last time of experiencing something good makes room for the next thing - a better thing - to occur.

As with most kids, Eleanor learned valuable lessons in sports that will serve her well for many years into the future. Her last time I will ever\\u2026 moment was built upon hard work, sacrifice, dealing with adversity, and self-discipline. It\\u2019s prepared her well for something even better coming down the road as a young adult. What she learned in her last thing has been great preparation for the next thing, whatever that may be.

Two of the last time I will ever\\u2026 moments converge

There\\u2019s an interesting connection to this last-time-moment of Eleanor\\u2019s and one of my own the last time I will ever\\u2026events. At least it\\u2019s interesting to me, and hopefully to you, too.

In the four years Eleanor played tennis for her school, she had never played at the high school where the sectionals for the state tournament were held, and where she played her last ever tennis match. It surprised me because the school is fairly close to her own. I thought the two were in the same conference, but they weren\\u2019t, I later learned.

The connection with me is that I was a teacher for 7+ years at this very same high school where Eleanor played her last tennis match. It is the site of one of the most significant last time I will ever \\u2026 moments in my life.

In December of 1978, at the end of the last school day right before Christmas. I walked out of my classroom, down the stairs, and out to the parking lot to my car to drive away for the last time I will ever teach at that school. Or any school for that matter. I did so with tears in my eyes because I so loved my job. It was a great experience for me, one I\\u2019ve always been thankful for even many years later.

But on this day I was hanging it up for the last time. Why I left teaching is a story for another day, but for now, I can tell you I felt God calling me into the business world. In order to do this, our school superintendent was so kind and gracious in letting me out of my teaching contract in the middle of the year.

On to the next thing

\\u201cBest of luck to you,\\u201d he said the last time I saw him. \\u201cI got started in business and years ago made the switch o public education. Now you\\u2019re going in the opposite direction. I hope it works out well for you, but if it doesn\\u2019t, you\\u2019ll be welcomed back here if we have an opening.\\u201d

Eleanor\\u2019s last time I will ever play high school tennis and my last time I will ever teach in a high school occurred in the very same place, just 40-some years apart.

My last time I will ever teach at that high school led to a 25-year career in business, which paved the way for 10+ years in the missionary care ministry My wife and I are involved in now.

I am so thankful for this last time ever experience, even for the sadness that came with it, because it showed I was leaving something meaningful to me. There was a sense of loss in the midst of the excitement of going to something new, with all the possibilities that awaited me in the business world.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for your life?

It\\u2019s important to note that not all the last time I will ever\\u2026 moments are as positive as the ones I\\u2019ve described. Living in a fallen world as we do, there\\u2019s the last time we will ever see a loved one, the last time I will ever work at a job I was forced out of, the last time I will ever find joy in a relationship that ended, etc. You know what I\\u2019m talking about.

Having said this, though, it\\u2019s helpful to look for the joy when we go through a the last time I will ever\\u2026 moment. Sometimes the joy is found in a beautiful memory it created, and sometimes it\\u2019s found in anticipating the future.

I wonder what joy you may have found in one of your the last time I will ever\\u2026 moments. I bet our other listeners would love to know, too. You can share this in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send it to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org.

Better yet, respond with your phone or computer by going to PodinBox.com/John, and record your answer, much like leaving a voice mail.

Relationship question of the month

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for?

It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you\\u2019re grateful for would be fair game.

Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple.

I\\u2019ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call.

I\\u2019ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to put into practice what you\\u2019ve heard about finding joy in reflecting upon the last time you ever experienced something significant to you.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Come back next time for episode 183 and another relational part of life we can be thankful for this November in 2022, and every month and year thereafter.

If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/182. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

181: Tenderness Found in Two Unusual Places

The place to access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

181: Tenderness Found in Two Unusual Places

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Two Funerals

Last week\\u2019s episode, no. 180 was about finding joy in an unusual place. Today we\\u2019re going to look at tenderness in relationships, and two unusual places to find it. The first is in the context is death. It\\u2019s certainly an unusual place to think about tenderness, but I saw it at the funeral of Dennis, the husband of a former co-worker of mine who died unexpectedly.

I didn\\u2019t know him all that well, but I saw his tenderness in the photos of him with his wife and children. The slideshow that flashed across the screen at the front of the sanctuary showed a man who loved his family. You could see it in his smile. You could also hear it in what the pastor shared about him and his faithfulness and commitment to his family.

Another place I saw tenderness was at the memorial service for a longtime friend and missionary who succumbed to cancer. I couldn\\u2019t make it to the service in person, so I watched it online. He was a leader and visionary in his mission organization and several of his colleagues talked about what a kind and compassionate man he was. With tears in their eyes, they spoke of his humility and how he mentored each of them in ways that brought out the best in each one of them.

His wife and son also spoke. His wife, in particular, showed how devastated her loss has been. She spoke briefly about how much God hates death and the impact it has had on her. The tenderness in her loving relationship with her husband made the pain of her tragedy all the more difficult to watch.

Shouldering a difficult responsibility

The last example of death that\\u2019s been surrounding me lately began with a text I recently received from Martin, my former missionary friend. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072.

Martin wrote. \\u201cJosephine went to be with Jesus this afternoon and is now again united with Suzanne.\\u201d Josephine was his wife Suzanne\\u2019s mother who lived with them. When Suzanne died two years ago, Martin became the prime caregiver of his mother-in-law.

This was a difficult responsibility for Martin in the context of his deep grief over losing his wife so suddenly and unexpectedly. It was also burdensome because of the significant health challenges his 80-something mother-in-law faced. I don\\u2019t know of many men who would have accepted this responsibility. Over the past two years, Martin and I talked about how wearisome it was for him.

But in his commitment to his mother-in-law, I saw a tenderness in his relationship to his deceased wife. By caring for her mother, Martin was honoring Suzanne. Both of them returned first from China and then Germany to move to Chicago for the sole purpose of caring for Josephine. And Martin followed through on that commitment even though his wife was no longer with him to help. It\\u2019s really quite a touching story of love.

Tenderness at a restaurant

Finally, In the midst of all this death I\\u2019ve been talking about, there was also a moment of tenderness I witnessed in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. Not about death, but about money. I\\u2019ve been thinking about it for days.

I saw it played out on a weekend trip Janet and I took to a vacation spot in northeastern Wisconsin, Door County. There\\u2019s a well-known restaurant there we like to go to for breakfast, The White Gull Inn. While walking behind the hostess ushering us to our table, I spotted a young couple in their early 30s.

I only overheard a small part of their conversation as they talked over the menu options. It was when the husband leaned across the table to his wife, looked her in the eye, and with the most compassionate and reassuring of voices, said,

\\u201c\\u2026. we\\u2019re on vacation.\\u201d

It was a moment of tenderness I won\\u2019t soon forget. From what I could tell from hearing the husband and seeing his eyes and body language, \\u201cWe\\u2019re on vacation\\u201d was code for,

\\u201cDon\\u2019t worry about the price, honey. Order what you\\u2019d really like. I know what you\\u2019d like is a little more expensive, but we\\u2019ve been pinching pennies all year. I know you worry about spending too much money, but just this once, treat yourself. You\\u2019re worth it. We\\u2019ll be okay with the money. We\\u2019ll figure it out. We\\u2019ve been saving for quite a while to do this. So enjoy yourself, please. Do it for me, okay? We\\u2019re on vacation.\\u201d

I could only see the back of the wife\\u2019s head, but I have a hunch there were tears in her eyes in response to the tenderness of her husband.

We\\u2019ve been there too

Janet and I are twice as old as this couple, and we\\u2019ve had a number of \\u201c\\u2026we\\u2019re on vacation\\u201d moments like this. Where because of our financial condition at the time, the price difference between two scrambled eggs and the Denver omelet seemed like half a mortgage payment.

I was so taken by this guy\\u2019s compassion for his wife. It encouraged me to be more like him. And then, several days after this tender moment in time, I thought of something else.

I wish I would have had the presence of mind to get the attention of their waitress and tell her to bring me their bill, and I would pay for it. Yeah, I wish I would have thought of that.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I\\u2019ve talked about two unusual places where I found tenderness. At funerals and at a restaurant. How about you? I wonder what are the unusual places you\\u2019ve found tenderness displayed. My guess is there are more places all of us could witness tender relationship moments if we paid attention and looked for them. Now is as good a time as any to start.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

The tenderness you see in relationships, often in unusual places, can inspire us to develop and nurture tenderness in our own relationships. It\\u2019s worth the effort to look for it. We\\u2019ll be better people for it.

Relationship question of the month

Last week I introduced you to PodInBox.com, a website you can go to to leave a private voicemail for me. I would like to experiment with this tool to get listeners more involved with the episodes I\\u2019m planning for November, the month of Thanksgiving.

For example, I have a relationship question I\\u2019d like you to answer by going to podinbox.com/john. There you can record your answer to my question using your phone or computer. I\\u2019m going to call it my \\u201cQuestion of the Month.\\u201d With your answer, please include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple. There\\u2019s nothing to write or prepare. Okay? Here\\u2019s the question:

What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for?

It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you\\u2019re grateful for would be fair game.

I\\u2019ll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call.

I\\u2019ll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode, either in writing or a phone call through PodinBox.com/John. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about looking for tenderness in unusual places.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/181. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
072: How to Help a Grieving Friend
071: What I learned from a Grieving Friend
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Near the end of today\\u2019s show, I\\u2019m going to explain a new technology I want to try out that involves your participation. It has the potential to be great fun, but more on that later.

An intriguing Facebook post

To begin, here\\u2019s my interview with Jennifer Uren. It starts with why I contacted her in the first place.

[I\\u2019m sorry there\\u2019s no transcript of the interview. Please consider listening to it by clicking on johncertalic.com/180. Here though, is her Facebook post which prompted me to contact her.]

\\u201cMonday I was delayed and hung out at the airport all day and people watched.

\\u201cWhen you pay attention, you can find connections and ways to serve weary travelers.

\\u201cLike the older gentleman making calls and getting the runaround and hearing him say, \\u2018I don\\u2019t have anything to write with,\\u2019 so you jump up and bring him a pen so he doesn\\u2019t have to call back.

\\u201cOr the mom standing in line to talk with the gate agent while her toddler explores, and you make eye contact to let her know you\\u2019ll be her second set of eyes.

\\u201cOr the gentleman who has been on standby all day with you and just needed someone to hear his story and how he misses his dog.\\u201d

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I sure enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer, and I hope you did. too. I love how her Facebook post illustrated the ORA principle of relationships I\\u2019ve talked about on this podcast. Observe - Reflect - Act. Her action at the airport was the result of her reflection on what she observed while waiting all day to catch her flight.

Today\\u2019s episode also makes me wonder how you can use what you\\u2019ve heard today to find more joy in the relationships in your life.

I suggest that instead of looking outside of yourself to find more joy in life, look inside and ask how yourself, how can I create a small measure of joy for others? By becoming a source of joy for people, you\\u2019ll create it for yourself. It\\u2019s an unusual place to find joy, I know. It\\u2019s counter-intuitive. But it works. Give it a try.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

To find more joy in life, don\'t limit yourself to the usual places you go to. Entertainment, sports, family, close friends. Those are sources of joy we draw from, which are all fine. Instead, expand your horizons and see if you can find joy in difficult circumstances by creating it for others. Maybe even for complete strangers. Because when we create joy for others, we create it for ourselves.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show - enough to try creating a little joy for the people you meet.

I\\u2019d love to hear how this goes for you, so please contact me with any stories of what you try doing. Stories similar to what you heard in today\\u2019s episode.

And this is where the new technology comes in that I mentioned earlier. To contact me with the brief stories you want to share, go to the website Podinbox.com/John. There you can record a voice message with your response from either your phone or computer. Include your name and where you\\u2019re from. It\\u2019s that simple. Nothing to write at all.

I\\u2019ll then play a few of the responses in a future episode. Who knows, I may pick yours! It will look good on your resume if I do! That website again Podinbox.com/John.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/180. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to check out Jennifer\\u2019s podcast, This Mom Knows. And while you\\u2019re at, spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020
103: The Secret to Great Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

This Mom Knows podcast

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

179: Listen to the Whispers

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

A volunteer opportunity

One of my favorite memories of our twin grandsons growing up is when Janet and I volunteered a couple of hours of our time at their grade school, once every couple of months or so. We would go to their classroom, and their teacher would have us help kids work on various tasks they were assigned.

Unlike when we were in grade school, where desks were arranged in straight rows, their classroom had groups of four desks, facing each other to form a square. Janet and I would then go from group to group and help with any math, science, or reading assignments the kids were working on. All this while the teacher was working with her own larger reading group.

The most memorable of these occasions happened when the boys were, I think, in 2nd grade. We walked in one morning near the beginning of the school year and met their teacher for the first time. I thought she was an 8th grader - she was so small and looked so very young. I immediately liked her. She assigned us to our different groups of 4 students, while she worked with her group.

On this particular day, Janet was off in one corner of the room with a group, while I worked with another group. In mine, there was a boy struggling over something he didn\\u2019t quite understand. He got so frustrated that he started crying. So I helped him figure out whatever it was he didn\\u2019t get, and he finally calmed down. I felt so bad for him. School can be so demoralizing for some kids.

It got noisy

About this time, I noticed that the noise in the classroom began to increase. All these groups of 4 working on things and talking with each other. They weren\\u2019t goofing off, they were just talking with each other as they did their work. But it was getting louder and louder.

I then wondered how this diminutive young teacher was going to handle the situation. When I was a teacher right out of college, I would have shouted out something like , \\u201cHey! It\\u2019s getting too loud in here! I can\\u2019t hear myself think. Dial it down a few notches.\\u201d

She did just the opposite. It was fascinating to watch. When the noise started to get to her too, she stopped with her reading group, and stood up from her chair. Keep in mind she wasn\\u2019t that much taller than her students. I expected she was going to shout out something, but she didn\\u2019t. Rather than talking louder than the kids, she spoke softer, almost in a whisper, asking the kids very politely to lower their voices.

I was skeptical. How are these kids going to quiet down with her speaking so softly? Then an amazing thing happened. Slowly, one child noticed the teacher talking, who then asked the four classmates in her group to quiet down. \\u201cShhh! I can\\u2019t hear what she\\u2019s saying.\\u201d

This soon spread around the room. Kids stopped talking so they could listen to the whispers of the teacher. My respect for the teacher grew even more. I wish I would have tried this technique when I was in her shoes years ago. Her whispers reminded me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

God whispers

It\\u2019s a story of Elijah who had just won a confrontation with the prophets of Baal, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. God then shows up and asks Elijah a question. I\\u2019ll read the question that begins the story in 1 Kings\\xa019:9-15

\\u201cWhat are you doing here, Elijah?\\u201d
\\u201cElijah replied, \\u2018I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too."

\\u201cGo out and stand before me on the mountain,\\u201d the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind.

After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.

Whispers can get our attention

God wasn\\u2019t in anything dramatic or noticeable. He didn\\u2019t wow Elijah with his presence. God got Elijah\\u2019s attention with a gentle whisper. Just like the grade school teacher of my twin grandsons. It\\u2019s how God works a lot of times, through his gentle whisper.

It\\u2019s hard for us to hear his whispers sometimes because of all the noise around us competing for our attention. I don\\u2019t need to give you examples, you know what I\\u2019m talking about. They\\u2019re the metaphorical windstorms, earthquakes, and fires that Elijah experienced. It\\u2019s hard to hear the whispers of God through them. But we can if we try. Like the 2nd graders who stopped talking so they could hear their soft-spoken teacher speak.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

A couple of ideas come to mind about listening to the whispers of God.

I\\u2019ll start with noise. Get rid of it as best you can. Turn off the radio, the music, the TV. And dare I say\\u2026 the podcast. Build some measure of silence into your life. Create space for God to whisper to you. God is a gentleman and won\\u2019t barge into your mind and heart if they\\u2019re filled with things that distract you from Him.

I wonder, too, if God, through his Holy Spirit, has already been whispering to you. Is he prompting you to take a certain action or think a particular thought? Like saying something to encourage someone. Or deciding to forgive that person who hurt you. Hmmm.

Finally, if you\\u2019re not hearing anything from God, ask him to whisper something important to you that you need to hear. The whisper may come from a verse in the Bible, something you see in nature, or a thought from a friend. There\\u2019s no limit to God\\u2019s creativity in communicating with us.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

The loud and dramatic get our attention. Most of it, though, is just noise. And it\'s not how God usually communicates with us. More often than not, he reaches out to us with whispers. Whispers from his Holy Spirit, from the Bible, and from people he prompts to act on our behalf. Good things happen when we listen to God\\u2019s whispers.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about listening to the whispers from God.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/179. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

178: Good Relationships in Action

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Observing a good relationship in action

The first example of good relationships in action is something I saw at our granddaughter\\u2019s tennis tournament several weeks ago. As I was getting the lawn chairs out of our vehicle, another one pulled in next to me - a couple in their late 30s, I would guess. When the wife got out of their van, she looked at me and asked, \\u201cAre you a therapist? I saw your license plate and wondered if you\\u2019re a therapist.\\u201d My license plate, as you can see from the photo in the show notes, reads \\u201cI LISTEN.\\u201d

I said I wasn\\u2019t, but that I LISTEN refers to a major theme of the podcast I do. I then asked her if she listens to podcasts. She said she does and asked the name of mine, so I told her. It was interesting that she connected listening with therapy. Good therapists do listen, of course. Good friends listen even more. But I don\\u2019t think I\\u2019ll ever be asked, \\u201cAre you a good friend to people?\\u201d

I wondered later if SHE was a therapist. I wish I would have asked her. That could have made for an interesting conversation. Instead, I started to talk to her husband as he pulled a baby stroller out of the back of their minivan. I asked him if he knew someone playing in the tournament. He told me, \\u201cno,\\u201d but were there to watch the granddaughter of one of their friends play.

Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament

What a great example of good relationships in action. This couple supporting their older friend by being at his side while he supported his granddaughter by watching her tennis match. The couple and grandfather could have been
doing other things on the beautiful sunny Saturday of the tennis tournament. But that\\u2019s how it is with good relationships, they involve sacrifice at times.

Without knowing it, this couple spread a little relational sunshine into my life that morning. I wish we were neighbors. They just showed up for their friend and his granddaughter. They reminded me that I can do the same thing for others. And so can you.

The relationship between the grandfather, his friends, and the granddaughter reminded me of what a missionary once told me about how people could best care for her. She said, \\u201cWhen you love my baby, you love me\\u2026even if my baby is 23.\\u201d What a great principle to nurture good relationships.

Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships

That Saturday at the tennis tournament, I was struck by how few parents or other adults come to watch their children or grandchildren play. It\\u2019s never crowded at a high school tennis match. I can understand low attendance at weekday matches late in the afternoon after school lets out. It would be hard for many parents with jobs to get to there on time. But Saturday matches? Come on people.

It\\u2019s similar to what I experienced when our son played high school basketball. We would go to his games and get to meet the parents of the other players. At one particular game, I remember talking to one of the other fathers, mentioning I hadn\\u2019t seen him in a while, and that it was good to have him back in the stands with the rest of us.

He said, \\u201cYeah, I haven\\u2019t been coming because my son doesn\\u2019t get to play much. He just sits on the bench. No sense in coming if he\\u2019s not playing.\\u201d

Ouch, I thought. What a missed opportunity to be part of his son\\u2019s life without having to say or do anything. Just sit and watch, even if his boy is on the bench. Just show up. We underestimate the power of showing up for things our kids are involved in. Our son sat on the bench for a while, too. But to only come when your kid is playing sends the wrong kind of message.

It says, \\u201cI want to be part of your life when you\\u2019re succeeding, namely when the coach gets you off the bench and puts you in the game. But otherwise, not so much.\\u201d This isn\\u2019t the way to develop good relationships with your children.

Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships

Here\\u2019s another example of a good relationship at work. There\\u2019s a small diner near us where Janet and I have gotten to know the manager. She was working the grill the last time we were there. It was quite busy, but when things slowed down, she came out to our booth and said, \\u201cI just listened to your latest podcast episode, and it brought me to tears. I\\u2019m going to go back to episode 1 and start listening to all of them. I especially want to hear the interview that you did about the wife who cleaned off the grave marker of her husband\'s first wife.\\u201d

What kind and thoughtful comments for the manager to make in the midst of her busy shift. I got a little sunburn from this relational sunshine.

Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books

The last relationship thought I\\u2019ll leave you with comes from a book I\\u2019m reading by Alan Alda entitled If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face - My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating. You remember Alan Alda from M*A*S*H, don\\u2019t you? Among other things, he talks in the book about how people can actually learn empathy. Really, people can LEARN to be empathetic? That\\u2019s encouraging! It\\u2019s such an important part of good relationships. I\\u2019m going to review the book in more detail in a future episode. It\\u2019s really quite good.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

In the relationship stories I mentioned today, a common theme in all 3 is that they came about by observing.

Observing the couple coming to the tennis tournament to support their friend and his granddaughter. The restaurant manager observing how someone was impacting her life and then telling that person. And finally, observing what an author says in his book that will help good relationships develop.

So what are you observing in others? In yourself? In the books you read? I\\u2019d love to hear any examples you observe of good relationships in action. I bet the rest of our listening audience would, too. You can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org, or by filling in the Leave a Comment box at the end of the show notes.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

One way to develop good relationships is to watch how other people do it. Notice how people show up for one another, how they listen and encourage each other. And then do what they do with your relationships.

Closing

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about developing good relationships.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/178.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last Week\'s Episode

177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

That troublesome email

And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town.

For confidentiality reasons, I\\u2019ve changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this:

Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn\\u2019t a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job.

The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, \\u201cextra-grace church member.\\u201d From the context of the email, you can tell \\u201cextra-grace church members\\u201d is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I\\u2019ll come back to this term in a minute.

I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I\\u2019ve been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don\\u2019t have that option. People like this come with the territory.

The problem with labels

But here\\u2019s why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as \\u201cone of our extra-grace church members.\\u201d I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care
committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc.

Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant \\u201cExtra Grace Required.\\u201d It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met.

I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don\\u2019t do this. Please don\\u2019t label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other.

Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people

So what\\u2019s behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I\\u2019m sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It\\u2019s why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do.

And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It\\u2019s wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There\\u2019s a little bit of God\\u2019s character in all of us.

Given all this, let\\u2019s consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It\\u2019s easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we\\u2019ve trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it\\u2019s no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn\\u2019t normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven\\u2019t been taught either.

The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I\\u2019ve talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act.

Observe

Let\\u2019s start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way?

We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It\\u2019s about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there\\u2019s just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying \\u201cno\\u201d to people hard for me, and if it is, why?

And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they\'re needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out.

Reflect

After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what\\u2019s been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What\\u2019s worked and what hasn\\u2019t? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life?

Every time I say \\u201cyes\\u201d to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I\\u2019m saying \\u201cno\\u201d to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this?

Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What\\u2019s in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness?

What have I done in the past when I just didn\\u2019t know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you\\u2019re in.

Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term?

And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I\\u2019m just reluctant to do it?

Act

Finally, after we observe and reflect, it\\u2019s time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life.

Ask God for wisdom. He\\u2019ll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take.

Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it\\u2019s carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play.

The answer to \\u201cwhat should I do?\\u201d may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way.

Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses.

Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest.

Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can\\u2019t do for them.

Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them

Above all, point people to Jesus.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Don\\u2019t let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It\\u2019s a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice.

Closing

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about relating with high-maintenance people.
For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

020: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much
128: The Joy of Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes
JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

176: The Joy of Relationships by Watching Others

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. You\\u2019ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

Someone with a need

Today\\u2019s example of the joy of relationships started with my wife, Janet, and a particular need she had. We were preparing for a week at Forest Springs, a Christian camp where we\\u2019ve been going to for years with our son and his family. Janet felt the need for a pedicure before we went and checked in to the place where she\\u2019s gone for this in the past. This time, though, She was disturbed by how much it was going to cost, as they had recently raised their rates.

Sensing this problem, I offered to solve it. Because I\\u2019m a guy and that\\u2019s what we do.

\\u201cLet me paint your toenails, Janet,\\u201d I said gleefully.

\\u201cI\\u2019ve never done it before, but how hard can it be? I\\u2019ll watch a YouTube video to learn how. There are paint brushes in a tin can down in the basement I can use. All you need to do is get the paint you want, and we\\u2019ll be good to go. Think how much money we\\u2019ll save!\\u201d

One joy of relationships is feeling free to ask for help

Her response surprised me as it was not as appreciative as I had expected. She was not as confident in my skill level in this kind of thing as I was.

\\u201cI think I\\u2019ll ask Eleanor instead\\u201c, Janet replied. \\u201cI like the way she does her own toes; she\\u2019s quite artistic, and maybe she\\u2019ll do mine.\\u201d

Yeah, right I thought. Eleanor is our 17-year-old granddaughter and was quite busy with tennis lessons, ballet practice, and her part-time job at Target. I know her heart would be in the right place, but she won\\u2019t have time.

A few days later Janet asked Eleanor if she would give her a pedicure. In the blink of an eye, Eleanor said, \\u201cSue, Grandma. Of course. We\\u2019ll make it a spa day!\\u201d

A week later Eleanor drove over to our house for her and Janet\\u2019s \\u201cSpa Day.\\u201d She\\u2019s only 17, and I\\u2019m just starting to get used to her driving. I used to drive her to school every Tuesday, and now she\\u2019s driving herself. She\\u2019s growing up way too fast.

The joy of relationships in blessing someone

Anyway, she came to our house and went off into our small room where we have our TV and started in on Janet\\u2019s toes. About halfway through the procedure, I wandered in and snapped a photo of our artist at work. It\\u2019s the cover photo for today\\u2019s episode. Be sure to look at it if you haven\\u2019t already done so.

Walking out of the room I thought, what kind of kid does this kind of thing? There are adults working at beauty salons for a living who hate the idea of touching someone\\u2019s feet. Yet here Eleanor is doing this willingly. That evening I posted the photo on Facebook with the comment, You know your granddaughter loves you when she paints your toenails. That\\u2019s the kind of kid who does that kind of thing. A girl who loves her grandmother.

The scene so reminded me of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. Both scenes depict the joy of relationships. One person serving the needs of another. One person blessing another.

The joy of relationships in watching others

In reflecting on the photo I took and what it captures I witnessed the joy of relationships on several levels. It starts with Janet feeling free to ask Eleanor to help her, knowing how busy our granddaughter was. Eleanor could easily have said, I\\u2019d love to, but I\\u2019m too busy, and Janet would have understood. She would have been okay with that.

Janet loves getting her toenails painted, and she felt blessed that Eleanor did this for her. Her joy tank was filled to overflowing.

I felt joy in watching how this incident brought out the best in Eleanor. Whenever we willingly serve others it brings out the best in us. We were made for this, you know.

I also felt Joy in seeing how my son and daughter-in-law raised Eleanor. Teenagers don\\u2019t inherently want to paint their grandmother\'s toenails. Her parents disciplined her well at an early age, and instilled virtues in her that make joy in relationships possible.

For me, I felt the joy of relationships just watching this bonding activity of our granddaughter with Janet. It had nothing to do with me, but it filled my heart with joy to see them relating with each other like this.

When all 10 toes were painted to perfection, Janet and Eleanor left the house to go out for lunch and a little shopping - a perfect ending to their spa day.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? A couple of ideas from this episode come to mind.

• First off, ask for help from someone you normally wouldn\\u2019t ask. Even ask a teenager. They can do more than we often give them credit for.
• Look for the Spirit of God working in the lives of people around you.
• Be sensitive to what pleases others. Be a joy giver, not just a joy watcher
• Watch people interact with each other. Develop your people-watching skills. Cultivate a holy curiosity.
• Observing the joy of relationships between two strangers can fill your heart, too.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

One of the great joys of life is the joy of relationships. We experience it by delighting in blessing other people, watching others do the same, and being thankful when people bless and delight in us.

Closing

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about creating opportunities to experience the joy of relationships.

For when you do, it will help you experience what God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/176.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

175: Reflecting On Stories From Our Past Can Grow Us

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\'m John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c, dot com. You\\u2019ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

Every September

Both of the stories from my past that greatly affected me happened in September. The first has to do with my grandma, my dad\\u2019s mother. Every Labor Day I saw her crying over the death of her daughter Helen in a car crash on Labor Day that happened many years ago in the late 1920s or early 30s. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I felt so bad for her.

My dad was pretty young at the time, not even a teenager yet. He was in the car with his sisters Helen and Josephine, and Grandma when it happened. Aunt Jo, as we called her, was driving the car. Everyone survived except Helen.

During the time I was doing genealogy work in an effort to locate my birth father, I also found the death certificate of my dad\\u2019s sister Helen in the Register of Deeds office. I took notes about it, but I can\\u2019t find them. Maybe I\'ll go down there to look again if I can get in. I remember the name of the road where the crash took place, and where it happened. I\\u2019ve driven through this location. And when I do I always think of the heartache my Grandma experienced on that Labor Day so long ago, and how it stayed with her the rest of her life.

Pain that doesn\\u2019t go away

This is one of the stories from my past that helped shape me. It was the first time, I saw an adult cry over pain in their life. A piece of my Grandmother\\u2019s heart was ripped out of her decades ago and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now. There was no way to make the pain of this traumatic loss go away. Yet in spite of this hole in her heart she was able to love me, and the rest of our family, along with her network of Slovenian immigrant friends.

I wish I had asked questions about the crash. Questions of my dad or grandmother. Questions like: how did this affect everyone? What caused the accident? Was Aunt Jo responsible for the accident, or was someone else who crashed into them? Did she feel guilty? How did she and Grandma relate after the accident? What was Helen like? What kind of person was she?

Where is she buried? What was my dad\\u2019s relationship with Helen before she was killed? Anyone who could answer these questions are long gone.

I had opportunities to ask my dad and grandma these questions, but like all of us, I was more concerned with issues facing me in the present. So I didn\\u2019t ask them, and I\\u2019m at a loss for it. I didn\\u2019t appreciate how this tragic event from the past affected my father and grandmother. Had I known more of what they went through back then it could have shed some light on how they both related to me in the present. The past often illuminates the present. I regret not learning this important relationship lesson earlier in life.

I hope you learn it. Sooner rather than later.

Another September tragedy

Of all the relationship stories from my past, the most impactful one happened when I was 15 years old and my friend Mark, who lived across the street, was killed on September 10, 1964.

I wrote about this in my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Here\\u2019s a brief excerpt:

\\u201cOf all the memories of my dad, however, the one that sticks out the most is the day Bozo died. I cringe now even using his name, but that is what we all affectionately called Mark, a neighbor boy who lived across the street. To refer to him now as Mark seems disrespectful. We all loved Bozo. Our neighborhood had lots of kids who hung around together, and we all got along well with each other. He was an integral part of our community, a community torn apart the evening Bozo was killed.

\\u201cIt was a few days after school started in September and my brother and I had just gone downstairs to do our homework in our basement bedroom\\u2014our boy cave. Suddenly, we heard unexpected footsteps coming down the stairs. It was our mother. Visibly shaken, she sat on one of our beds.

\\u201c\\u2018I have some very bad news to tell you.\\u2019

\\u201cThere was a long pause as she started to choke up, and then composed herself.

\\u201c\\u2018Bozo was riding his bike home from a park late this afternoon and was hit by a car. And he died.\\u2019

\\u201cHe died? Bozo is dead? How can that be? We just saw him yesterday. How could he be dead? I wondered. That just can\\u2019t be.

My family reacts to the tragic news

\\u201cQuietly sobbing, my mother went back upstairs. Shortly thereafter, my brother Joe and I followed upstairs. I remember all of us wandering around in disbelief, like disoriented ants, not knowing what to think and feeling quite shocked. With dusk setting in, I looked out a window and saw something I will never forget.

\\u201cThere was Bozo\\u2019s father, walking down the middle of the street of our quiet sleepy neighborhood, with my dad beside him, arm over his shoulder. My dad was no grief counselor. He had no training in this area, but he was a good neighbor and he cared for his friend. When I hear the expression \'walking with someone through difficult times,\' I think of this image of my dad, who did this literally and figuratively for a neighbor whose son had just been killed.

\\u201cI can\\u2019t help but admire a man like that. For though he didn\\u2019t treat me as well as he should have, he did the best he could. Relating to adults was easier for him; he was just unskilled in relating to his oldest son, who biologically was not his own. Yeah, I can have compassion for a dad like that, who had compassion for a grieving friend. I can forgive someone like him. Sure. I can do that. I should do that. Since I want to do that, I will. I will forgive. And I did.\\u201d

THEM, Chapter 13, \\u201cForgiveness\\u201d, pages 170-171

This story from my past grew me

This story from my past grew me in several ways. It was my first realization that people close to me will one day die. I knew this in my mind, of course, but Bozo\\u2019s death embedded this reality in my heart.

When I was working on the book I wrote, I wasn\\u2019t sure of the exact date and year of Bozo\\u2019s death. So I went to the cemetery next to the church his family and mine attended. It took a while, but I found his gravestone. I took a photo
of it and you can see in the show notes. He would be 71 today had he lived, instead of dying at age 13.

I loved the inscription on his gravestone, \\u201cIn God\\u2019s Care.\\u201d I hope his parents and siblings believed this, and that it brought them comfort.

It was important for me to go to his grave because it confirmed for me that what I thought happened many years ago actually did occur at the time I remembered. Do you ever think like this, where you second guess yourself about events from long ago? Did this really happen?

Understanding may not come for many years

And as I mentioned in the reading from the book, this experience grew me by seeing a side of my father that made it easier to forgive him for how he parented me. But I didn\\u2019t really see it until many years later. What I witnessed that evening was an observation, but I was too immature to reflect on what I observed.

It wasn\\u2019t until many years later, with the Spirit of God working in my heart, that I could reflect on the meaning of that poignant scene of my dad walking down the middle of the street, his arm over the shoulder of a neighbor whose son had just been killed.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

What are the stories from your past that would be helpful to reflect upon now? Maybe now is the time to ask God to help you find a larger meaning to something that impacted you years ago. Maybe there\\u2019s something you missed then that could help you grow now.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Stories from our past can continue to grow us. Reflecting on them through the lens of God\\u2019s spirit within us will often yield deeper insights years later into what happened back then.

Closing

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about reflecting upon stories from your past.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/175.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to, along with the book mentioned:

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

174: Labor Day - A Time to Reflect

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end, dot com. You\\u2019ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

The blandest of holidays - Labor Day

Labor Day, as I mentioned, is the most melancholy of all US holidays. It marks the unofficial end of summer and the beginning of fall. It\\u2019s the middle child of our national holidays. Labor Day doesn\\u2019t honor any particular person or event in our nation\\u2019s history. It\\u2019s pretty nondescript; an afterthought among the rest of our holidays. Airports are not jammed with Labor Day holiday travelers.

Labor Day became a national holiday in America in 1894 to honor working men and women. It grew out of labor unrest due to horrible working conditions in the later part of the 19th century. Other nations in the world have a similar holiday, often celebrating it on May 1st.

For me, Labor Day week is a time to reflect on the nearly 25 years I spent in the executive recruiting business, helping companies fill their staffing needs and coaching people on how to find jobs. It makes me reflect on the things I learned about people and how a job fits into the rest of our life.

I hope you know by now that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. One of those relationships is the job God provided for you. If you\\u2019ve ever earned a paycheck it was because of a relationship you had with the employer who paid you. So in keeping with this Labor Day holiday week, I thought it would help to take time to reflect on several important principles related to our relationship with our work.

Principles of relationships at work

• Everyone is hired to solve a problemTake time to reflect on what problems you\\u2019re helping to solve at work. What are you doing to bring in income to the organization, cut costs, or further your employer\\u2019s mission in the world?
• Know the difference between a job and a career and act accordingly

A job is a means to an end. It\\u2019s a small part of our identity. A career is a larger part of who we are. It doesn\\u2019t define us, but it\\u2019s a big part.

• A stay-at-home-mom is a career, not a job. It too solves a problem.
• Take time to reflect on what you don\\u2019t want to do for a career.

Story of grandson Grant what he learned about himself in his internship

• To get ahead at work, think like an employer, not an employee

Employees are driven by what\\u2019s in it for them. An employer mindset thinks about furthering the purposes of the organization

• Reflect on this question, Do I have 10 years of experience in my job, or do I have 1 year of experience repeated 10 times?

There\\u2019s value in every work experience

• God doesn\\u2019t waste any of our experiences. Don\\u2019t you either. Take time to reflect on what you\\u2019ve learned from each one.

Story of grandson Grant\\u2019s camp counselor job getting him an internship with a research study

• Changing jobs for the sole reason of earning more money is a terrible idea.
• No employer cares what you\\u2019re passionate about. They only care about results. It\\u2019s the theme of Cal Newport\\u2019s book, So Good They Can\\u2019t Ignore You.
• Some people fail at jobs because they\\u2019re a square peg in a round hole. If that\\u2019s you, look for a square hole and you\\u2019ll thrive.

The church who sent one of their missionaries to us to answer the question, \\u201cIs he cut out to be a missionary?\\u201d

Airplane mechanic running a missionary guest house in Africa

Jobs/Careers are about working with things - people - or data.

Change jobs/companies is always an option

• The greatest job satisfaction comes from using the abilities and talents God equipped you with. The greatest dissatisfaction comes when you don\\u2019t.
• Parable of the servant and talents in Matthew 25:14-30

So what does all this mean for YOU?

This Labor Day week, as we transition from summer to fall, is a great time to reflect on our jobs, careers, and the meaning they have in our lives. Ask God to help you in the process.

The extent to which we apply the principles I mentioned, the more joy we\\u2019ll experience in our job or career.

Read Cal Newport\\u2019s book, So Good They Can\\u2019t Ignore You.

Listen to Episode 025, "The Toughest Job in America" The main point of the episode is: How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God. The episode contains several stories on how we view our jobs and careers.

If you\\u2019re a parent, pass these principles on to your kids. Share examples of them from your own experience at work.
If you are no longer working, take time to reflect on how God led and sustained you during your working life. Thank him for those years and what you learned during that time.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Labor Day week is a great time to reflect on how to be all that God created us to be. It\\u2019s an opportune time to think about the abilities and talents God hard-wired into us and to thank him for it.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about taking time to reflect on your work. To consider how the work you do can make best use of the skills and talents God created you with.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to today\\u2019s episode is simply JohnCertalic.com/174.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

040: A Square Peg in a Round Hole

025: The Toughest Job in America

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where all past and future episodes live

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

173: Celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end, dot com.

Now about those relationship transitions I mentioned earlier

\\u201cTransition\\u201d is a common buzzword you hear in missionary circles these days. They talk about it often because missionaries experience so many of them. Transitions from one culture to another. Countless goodbyes to people we know and love one day, and hellos to complete strangers in another culture the next.

Here\\u2019s another thing about transitions. Did you know that in August we have National Single Working Women\\u2019s Day, Dog Appreciation Day, and Middle Child Day? And August 31st, the day this episode first airs, we have National Relationship Transitions Day.

I think about it every year at this time when I recall how a long time ago we sent our kids went off to kindergarten for the very first time. And then years later when they left home for college. Those were days filled with both sadness and joy, mixed all together - like a ham and cheese omelet stuffed with broccoli.

Other examples of relationship transitions

More recently I saw joy and sadness at a high school graduation party this summer for a friend\\u2019s son. She talked about the joy of her son completing high school on such a high note. But then her eyes teared up at the mention of him leaving home for college in a few weeks. \\u201cI don\\u2019t even want to think about it,\\u201d she whispered.

Then there are those nostalgic Facebook posts popping up of moms and dads commenting on sending their kids off to kindergarten for the first time, and how it seems like just two months ago when they brought them home from the hospital as infants.

I recently heard another example of relationship transitions on a podcast, when out of left field the host reflected on how melancholy she was feeling thinking about sending her twin daughters off to college for the first time.

Relationship transitions like these are happening all around us.

Children go through relationship transitions themselves

I had an interesting conversation with our twin grandsons recently. They\'re both 20 now and in college. When I asked them what was the most difficult transition they faced in advancing through their educational career, they surprised me. I thought they would have said from high school to college.

They actually said that was the easiest. The hardest for them was going from elementary school to middle school. That\\u2019s been the most challenging transition they\\u2019ve faced thus far.

So how do you celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day? How can we use it to bring out the best in us?

If you\\u2019re going through a relationship transition yourself

• Remind yourself of the joy during an earlier time in your relationship. Savor memories of past joy. At the same time, develop a \\u201choly anticipation\\u201d of the potential joy that could await you in the future.
• Here\\u2019s an example of a future joy I would never have anticipated. It happened yesterday: The story of my grandson Grant whipping out his credit card to buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee at the mall. It was a complete role reversal for a moment.
• More moments like this will come. Be patient. There\\u2019s no guarantee, but those you cared for so deeply earlier may likely care well for you in the future.

If someone you care about is going through a relationship transition

Here are a few ideas.

Reach out to a parent of a child getting on the school bus for the first time, and ask how they\\u2019re doing.

Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. \\u201cHow did it go for you?\\u201d

In either case, send a card or note in the mail that says something along the lines of

\\u201cI\\u2019ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and then enter this new unknown one.\\u201d Something like that.

In essence, let people you know going through a relationship transition that you\'re thinking of them, and maybe even praying for them. There\\u2019s something comforting in simply knowing someone else knows what you\\u2019re dealing with. Let them know you know it\\u2019s hard, and that you\\u2019re pulling for them.

All of these ideas are examples of Romans 12:15, Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Relationship transitions are opportunities to care for people by letting them know you\\u2019ve been there too, and you know how difficult these transitions can be.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard. Reach out to someone in a relationship transition to let them know you care.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to this episode is JohnCertalic.com/173.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships

Welcome to You Were Made for This

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I am your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end. Dot com.

Last week\\u2019s episode, #171

In last week\\u2019s episode, #171, Charley tells the story of his wife, Ruth, and their adult daughter Lucy, who were returning from taking their oldest daughter off to graduate school out East. On their way home, they were passing through Youngstown, Ohio where Charley\\u2019s first wife was buried. Some time ago Charley had mentioned to Lucy that if she were ever near Youngstown he would appreciate it if she would stop by the grave of his first wife, Bev, and pay her respects.

Charley started by talking about Lucy calling him at work while she and Ruth were near Youngstown, Ohio to get directions to find the grave, which was a bit of a challenge. Anxious to get home from their thousand-mile road trip, Ruth spoke about initially not wanting to stop. But she knew it would mean a lot to Charley, and also to their youngest daughter Lucy. So she did.

Once they found the grave marker, Ruth cleaned it up with the only thing she had - her car keys. While she did, Lucy snapped a picture of Ruth cutting weeds and grass from around the grave marker. Ruth talked about how this moment deeply affected her and Lucy, how they both cried, and how Ruth described it as standing on \\u201choly ground.\\u201d Ruth also talked about the profound effect this had on Lucy.

Deeper relationships sometimes cast shadows

Charley talked about the shadow that Lucy cast while taking a picture of her mother cleaning the grave marker. He saw a connection in this shadow between Lucy and Bev, as they were both the second child of their respective parents.

He summed it up best when he said the point of this story for him was about healing. How what his 2nd wife, and 2nd daughter, did to honor his first wife brought closure to a tragedy that happened over 30 years ago.

That was the interview in a nutshell of episode #171.

I came away from our time together with Charley and Ruth with several important lessons and principles about deeper relationships that would serve all of us well if we practiced them in our relationships.

Principles and observations about deeper relationships

1.Healing often takes time. Sometimes a long time. It had been over 33 years since Charley\\u2019s first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley\\u2019s healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds.

2. It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, \\u201cIf you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio\\u2026..\\u201d Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad\\u2019s past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that this particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part of hers.

To care well usually takes sacrifice. I felt for Ruth in this story. After moving your daughter into a 3rd-floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand-mile road trip back home, and then to take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that\\u2019s sacrifice.

Limited resources should not hold us back

4. Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don\\u2019t know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn\\u2019t stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys.

5. It\\u2019s okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That\\u2019s normal. Ruth was very transparent in saying she felt guilty about her initial reaction. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don\\u2019t give in to our basic human preference for convenience. Hats off to Ruth!

6. God at times uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy\\u2019s shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev\\u2019s grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it \\u201cclosed the loop,\\u201d as he put it.Lucy\\u2019s shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief after that tragic event happened, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both his current and former wife. Lucy\\u2019s shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago

We\'re all connected to each other

7. We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don\\u2019t quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we\\u2019ll see, all point directly back to him.

8. There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn\\u2019t. The feeling of \\u201cHoly Ground\\u201d that Ruth talked about over Bev\\u2019s grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father\\u2019s first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain.

Shadows really do connect us.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

We develop deeper relationships with people when we listen well to each other, inconvenience ourselves for other people at times, and realize we\\u2019re all connected with each other by virtue of the fact that each of us has been created in the Image of God.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

I\\u2019d encourage you to ask yourself, and God, what deeper relationships could you nurture based on the relationship principles we talked about today?

Namely, give people time to heal. Listen well to others. Sacrifice your time and energy. Use your limited resources to bless others. Fight through your natural inclination to be self-centered. Look for ways God is connecting you with someone else. Things like this.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about developing deeper relationships with people.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/172.

And of course, if you haven\\u2019t listened to episode 171 which is the actual interview with Charley and Ruth, please do that. JohnCertalic.com/171.

Finally, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

171: We\'re All Connected with Each Other
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

171: We're All Connected with Each Other

Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host, \\xa0John Certalic,\\xa0 your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com. Scroll down half a page or so to sign up and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end. Dot com.

Interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley - an Encore from episode 008

Here we go with my interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley. It\\u2019s one of my favorites.

Sorry, there\\u2019s no transcript available of the interview. Click here to listen to it.

Connected with each other: final thoughts

This interview really touched me. In reflecting on it, I came away with eight lessons I learned from my conversation with Charley and Ruth. I spoke with Carol about them and she said if I talked about them now, it would detract from the power of the interview itself, \\u201cjust get off the air as quickly as you can,\\u201d was her advice. So I\\u2019m going to do just that.

That was good advice from Carol way back in episode 8. What we decided to do back then, and what we\\u2019re doing this time, is to use next week\\u2019s episode, to go over the 8 lessons I learned from Charley\'s story. They are practical relationship principles we can use in our own relationships. We\\u2019ll have all that for you in episode 172 next week.

So what does what you heard in this interview mean for YOU?

It raises two questions. The first is like the healing Charley experienced 30 some years after a tragedy in his life; where have you seen God care for you in unusual or mysterious ways?

It also makes me wonder if there are opportunities God is placing in front of you to honor someone, to care for another in ways that reflect the image and character of God? Similar to how Charley\\u2019s wife, Ruth, and his daughter Lucy cared for him.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

We are all connected with each other because we\\u2019re all created in the image of God. It\\u2019s what enables us to bring healing and comfort to each other.

Closing

In closing, I hope today\'s show stimulated your thinking. To put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about how we are connected with each other. For we are all created in the image of God and designed to reflect that image well.

Well, that\\u2019s about it for today. I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s program. If you think of someone who could benefit from today\\u2019s show, please send them a link to today\\u2019s episode, JohnCertalic.com/171.

And also, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Quote of the Week

\\u201cOften we are attached to people in ways we don\\u2019t understand.\\u201d
- Ruth Shirley, and her daughter Lucy

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

170: When People Disappoint Us

But before we get into all this here\\u2019s Carol

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

Hey thank you, Carol, and yes it\\u2019s me, John Certalic. I\\u2019m your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end. Dot
com. You\\u2019ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

For today I have a story that\\u2019s an encore from way back in episode 53. It involves snow. And lots of it. Which is especially pleasant to think about in light of the heat wave sweeping across the US and Europe here in August of 2022.

It\\u2019s a story about one of my grandkids who saw first-hand how people disappoint us. And then I\\u2019ll have a few comments from me on how we can respond to this disappointment, regardless of our age or where we are in life.

Let\\u2019s begin.

Children lose their innocence when they see how people disappoint us

If you have ever spent any significant time around children, do you remember the times your heart ached for them when they discovered that life can be harsh? Where they experienced the sadness of relational pain?

When your child\\u2019s network of friends all get invited to a birthday party, except your kid? When a child\\u2019s favorite pet dies? When all you teenager\\u2019s friends have been asked to homecoming, but not yours?

These examples raise the question of \\u201cWho\\u2019s going to be there for me when I need them?\\u201d When children face the harsh reality that people they thought would be there for them, aren\\u2019t, we call it a loss of innocence.

You see this theme in literature all the time. To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic example. Scout, the young girl in the story comes face to face with the racism she sees in the adults her small town in the South.

And loss of innocence doesn\\u2019t stop with childhood. Let me share a story that illustrates this, and then a way we can best deal with this inconvenient relationship reality.

Help from our grandson

• Trip to visit our daughter in SC, when back home we had a 7\\u201d snowfall
• Our son Michael texted, \\u201chave you made arrangements for the snow?\\u201d
• He sent George, our 18-year-old grandson, over the next day to shovel. I hadn\\u2019t shown him how to use our snowblower.
• I told George just to clear a path to the garage for our car, and I would finish the rest with our snowblower when I got home.
• George texted me when he was finished and said, \\u201cIt was some of the heaviest snow I\\u2019ve ever shoveled, but I got it done.\\u201d
• We returned home a few days later and I stopped over to pay him.

Grandson George observes how people disappoint us

At the end of a conversation about some small talk regarding other things, George brought up his shoveling experience again and said,

I was out there a long time shoveling, and after awhile, I wondered why none of your neighbors stopped over to ask if they could help. I mean, when our neighbor Mrs. Fibeena was alive, Grant and I would always shovel her driveway. And our neighbor Don across the street, we shoveled the driveway for him, and now for his wife since he died last year. But none of your neighbors offered to help shovel.

• At least 24 hours had passed since the snowfall ended, and all the other driveways in the neighborhood were snow-free. But not ours.
• The tone of George\\u2019s voice was genuine surprise that no neighbors offered to help out with a need another neighbor had. It was so contrary to his experience, where he lived 3 miles away that he and his brother (and sister) were used to. \\u201cWe help our neighbors\\u201d is a value his parents are raising him with.
• He wasn\\u2019t complaining or whining at all. His wistful comments came across to me as a sociological observation and reflection upon human nature, with a twinge of sadness to it.

When people disappoint us it can come as a surprise

• My heart ached for George, that he saw this side of human nature about our neighbors that was so contrary to his own experience. I even briefly thought "maybe we better move.\\u201d
• I know George sees this side of humanity on a daily basis with his peers. He\\u2019s no stranger to seeing the less flattering side of the human condition.
• But his surprise with our neighbors\\u2019 lack of help showed that at 18 years of age he\\u2019s lost another measure of childhood innocence. That people you would have thought would have been there for you, other adults, were not.
• I also sensed he was feeling bad for me, that these were the kind of neighbors we have. My heart ached for his kind and tender heart.
• George knew what our former neighborhood was like; he saw it first hand, with people like Kevin who lived across the street.

While some people disappoint us now, others in the past did the opposite

• In our former neighborhood, Kevin and I cleared driveways of snow for 3 neighbors. They were all older than us. Kevin did more than me.
• When my mother died in March years ago, we had a late winter snowfall of 3-4 inches the day of her funeral. I didn\\u2019t have time to snow blow the driveway before the service, as we had to leave in a hurry. But when we got home later that day, Kevin or one of the other neighbors had cleared our driveway of snow.
• No one asked them to. They just did it. Because our snow-covered driveway told people something was wrong, so they stepped in to help.

Sometimes people disappoint us when our expectations are unrealistic

• Getting back to George\\u2019s observation, I can imagine all kinds of legitimate reasons why people didn\\u2019t help.
• If any of them would listen to this podcast, I\\u2019m sure they\\u2019d have a reasonable explanation for not helping out.
• Some of them might even be irritated at me for suggesting someone should have helped. After all it\\u2019s not my neighbor\\u2019s responsibility to keep my driveway clear of snow.
• The fact I helped clear their drive a few times, doesn\\u2019t mean they owe me a return favor. I certainly get that.
• I don\\u2019t want to be critical, I just want to make an observation. And that is in this one instance with George, our current neighborhood personified what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12: 2, \\u201cDo not be conformed to the pattern of this world.\\u201d The pattern of this world, at least in our neighborhood, is NOT to help others in a jam. Keep to yourself. Take care of #1. Don\\u2019t extend yourself. \\u201cThat\\u2019s the behavior and custom of this world.\\u201d
• We have nice people in our neighborhood. People are cordial and respectful of one another, and I suspect there are examples of caring and helping others that I\\u2019m not aware of.

It\\u2019s one thing for people to disappoint us. It\\u2019s another when they disappoint those we love

• Nevertheless, my heart still aches a bit for George. And it may very well be my heart aches more for myself than him.
• George is a very caring person, you might remember me talking about him in an earlier episode, how even as a first or second grader, he would hold open the door to his school to let teachers and other adults enter before him.
• I notice in caring people, and myself, that every now and then. Not often, but every now and then, you wonder, \\u201cWhen is it going to be my turn? When are people going to care for me, the way I care for them? I wonder if that was what George was feeling when he shoveled snow off our driveway.
• I know this thought crosses my mind every now and then, and it can lead to a sense of sadness really quickly.

How are we to respond to this inconvenient relational reality I described?

Ask God for the wisdom and power to:

1. Resist the temptation to assign bad motives to people who do not care for us the in the way we want to be cared for. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives we are unaware of. Cut people some slack. Extend grace.
2. Take to heart Philippians 2:4, and obey the command, \\u201cDon\\u2019t be selfish; don\\u2019t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.\\u201d
3. As Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers\\u2019 Neighborhood tells us, \\u201clook for the helpers.\\u201d As adults, look for the helpers and try to be like them. Look for the role models we can emulate.
4. Become a role model for others. The best version of yourself will have a strong component of caring for others.
5. Be courageous and ask for help when you need it.
6. Be okay with the feelings of sadness if they come. Don\\u2019t minimize or flee from it. Just sit in for awhile, and before you know it, they will pass. Especially as you move forward with being a caring person yourself.

If you forget everything else, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

When people you thought would be there for you, fail to show up, respond with grace. Ask God to help you to be there for others, even if they don\\u2019t show up for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to respond in healthy ways when people disappoint us. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

169: A Daughters Feel-Good Story About Her Father

But before we get into it, here\\u2019s Carol:

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

I\'m John Certalic, your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. You are listening to episode 169.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all our episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end. C-E-R-T-A-L-I-C dot com. I\\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes.

You\\u2019ll then get a brief email from me each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

Today\\u2019s feel-good story

Back on the podcast today is Gail Rohde, who has been on the show several other times talking about what it\\u2019s been like as someone who was adopted into a good family, but who as a grown adult with teenage children felt a longing to find her biological mother and father. I\\u2019ll have links to those previous episodes at the end of the show notes.

Today though, there\\u2019s been a new development in Gail\\u2019s story that she shared with me in a recent phone call. Keep listening, or you can read the transcript of our conversation in the show notes.

Transcript of the telephone conversation

John (00:00):
Gail, I noticed that you have now set a record for being on the podcast with the most episodes. You were in episodes 29 and 30 when we talked about your search for your birth parents. And then also 124, just not too long ago.

Gail (00:17): Wow.

John (00:17):
So this is going to look really good on your resume. I hope you appreciate that.

Gail (00:24):\\u2028I do. I do. I feel honored.

John (00:25):
Yeah. Well, for those that are new to the podcast and don\'t quite remember, we had talked in episodes 29 and 30 about the fact that you\'re adopted, and what that was like for you as a child. You were told at an early age that you were adopted. You had great, great parents, but you always wondered about who your mom and dad were, your birth parents anyway.

Gail (00:51): Right.

A feel-good story about finding one\'s mother

John (00:51):
And we had talked also about you had tracked down your birth mother, and started a relationship with her, and that has been going well. But the new element that I want to chat with you today is finding your birth father, and actually meeting him. I think the last episode, 124, I had asked the question of you and others what are you looking forward to and what are you dreading? And you had mentioned meeting your birth father fell into both categories, as something you were looking forward to, but something you were dreading too.

Gail (01:29): Right.

John (01:30):\\u2028So, can you tell us how you actually did meet, and what that was like, and how that\'s been going for you?

Gail (01:38):
Sure. So, we had been talking on the phone for about the last year-and-a-half every now and then, maybe once or twice a month. And had great conversations, learning about each other, learning about each other\'s lives, but they were fairly short conversations, about 15, 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. So, there\'s only so much you can really get to know each other in that amount of time. And I think we had tried to do a couple of video chats, but everybody kept freezing, and it was hard to talk. And so that was disappointing, it was hard to really get a feel for who he was, and who his wife was.

Meeting Dad for the first time

Gail (02:19):
And so we finally were able to set up a time to meet last month. And we both drove part way, and met in the middle. They knew this resort town, and so we got a place there and decided to meet. So, we were able to do that. And yeah, it was fantastic. I was so nervous, very anxious going into it, and I don\'t know why. I knew it was going to go well. He was going to be gracious. I knew he was going to be wonderful. I knew he was going to like his grandkids.

But there was still that lingering what if I get rejected kind of feeling underneath. But I would say the minute that we saw each other, and gave each other a big hug, it just all melted away and then it was just great after that. So yeah, it was really great.

John (03:21):
Well, good. Well, I\'m glad that went well for you. What was it like, maybe even before you met in person, when he admitted that he was your father? What did he have to say about his relationship with your birth mother?

This feel-good story didn\'t always feel good

Gail (03:38):
Well, and it\'s interesting. I get a different story from each of them. They have very different perspectives on it. So for him, he said that it was kind of a fling. It wasn\'t a very deep or long-term relationship. And when I was born, he was actually on his way being deployed to Vietnam. And so he had received a letter from my mom with my photograph in it, and he took it to his sergeant and said, "What do I do with this?" And he said, "The sergeant said, "Oh, this happens all the time. I\'ll take care of it."

And that was the last he saw of me. He gave the letter and the picture to his sergeant, and that was the end. And then by the time he came back from the war, he was dealing with PTSD. He was in another relationship, and I think it just kind of got lost.

John (04:36): Wow, yeah. Yeah.

Different versions of the same story

Gail (04:37):\\u2028So yeah, it\'s a very different story, or a different take on what I had learned from my mom, but totally understandable for me. I mean, it made sense, and I get it.

John (04:52): Yeah.

Gail (04:55):\\u2028There\'s no ill will. It\'s not like he took off and didn\'t want to have anything to do with me. It was bad timing.

John (05:03):\\u2028Yeah. Yeah. I remember in one of the previous episodes that you were told that he was a medical student when ...

Gail (05:12): Mm-hmm.

John (05:13): Was that true?

Gail (05:16):
I don\'t know that he was a medical student at the time, but he did end up becoming a physician\'s assistant. So, he was, I don\'t know if he was headed in that direction, or maybe he had started. I haven\'t really clarified that with him, but that is the path he took.

John (05:37): Yeah.

Gail (05:38):\\u2028So, that was accurate.

Other people in this feel-good story

John (05:41):\\u2028How did your father\'s wife and his kids and grandkids deal with the news that they had a new relative that they didn\'t know about?

Gail (05:54):
Well, it\'s funny because, and I can\'t remember if I told this story last time, when I sent him my initial letter, I sent it by mail thinking that he\'ll get it. And I didn\'t want to cause any riffs with his wife, I had no idea what that was going to be like. And I guess they were together, and she picked up the mail out of the mailbox. They drove up to the mailbox, she got it, she\'s looking through it. She\'s like, "Oh, you got a personal letter from some girl." And she said something like, "Is this about an old girlfriend?" And he\'s like, "No, just open it." And so she started reading it, and she stopped, she\'s like, "It kind of is."

John (06:33): Wow.

Gail (06:34):
But she\'s been so wonderful, and so great, and so accepting. And I probably talk to her just as much as I talk to him. She\'s just really been great. I haven\'t met any of my siblings. They all know about me, but I\'ve only heard how those conversations went. So, it sounds like it\'s all fairly positive, so that\'s good. Nobody\'s mad about me, or ...

Feel-good stories can be complicated sometimes

John (07:09):
Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we talked last when you were saying that you were on the one hand looking forward to meeting your birth father, but also dreading meeting him. And I think part of it as I recall was what is the impact going to be with your birth mother?

Gail (07:26): Yeah.

John (07:29):\\u2028How have you navigated that whole dynamic?

Gail (07:38):
Yeah, I mean that\'s been a little hard. It\'s in a good place. Our whole family went out to visit her over spring break, and that\'s the first time we\'ve all been out there. And so we just had a really wonderful time. And there was a period of time in there that we had just the two of us, and we talked about it. She brought it up, and admitted that it had been very hard, but she knows that I have a right to know who my dad is, and I have a right to meet him. And that she knows she needs to be okay with that. And then I was able to reassure her that I knew that she\'s worried that he\'s going to take me away from her, or that I\'m going to like him more than I like her.

Reassuring Mom

Gail (08:28):
And I just reassured her, "I\'m not going anywhere. If I leave, it\'s up to me, it\'s not up to him. He\'s not going to take me away from you, that\'s my decision. And I decide to stay with you. I\'m always going to be here, we\'re always going to be here." So, just really tried to reassure her that it\'s really not changing my relationship with her. So, I haven\'t been putting it in her face. I didn\'t tell her when I was going out to see him, she knew I was going to be. And when I came back, we talked on the phone and she said, "You saw him didn\'t you?" And I said, "Yeah." [inaudible 00:09:16]. And she said, "I\'m fine with that, and I\'m resolved."

John (09:19): Oh, good.

Some feel-good stories involve healing

Gail (09:19):\\u2028So, I think there\'s been a lot of healing. I think it\'s going to be okay, yeah. I\'ve just been trying to make sure she knows that everything\'s going to be the same between us.

John (09:34):\\u2028Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I really appreciate your concern for her too, and knowing that it brings out her fragileness a little bit, and understandably so.

Gail (09:45): Yeah.

John (09:46):\\u2028What kind of questions did you ask your dad, your birth father? Do you remember anything in particular?

Gail (09:53):\\u2028Yeah, we talked a lot. And when we got together, his wife brought pictures of him from his childhood, his young adulthood, his time in Vietnam. She had all these pictures of family members. So, we were able to just sit around the table one night, and they were showing me pictures, and he was telling stories.

John (10:19): Wow.

Old photos helped fill in the gaps in this feel-good story

Gail (10:20):
And it was really neat. It was really, really neat. And so, we were able to take pictures of all of those pictures with our phone, so now I have all of those pictures. They gave me all sorts of family information, who my grandparents were, all of my siblings, and their birthdays. And just have just been very, very great. And talking about his life, talking about any questions I have. He kept asking me, "Do you have any questions?" I don\'t know, you\'ve told me so much stuff I don\'t even know what to ask.

John (10:53): Yeah.

Gail (10:55):\\u2028So, yeah, it\'s been really good. They\'re just very open. And yeah, he\'s just been so gracious about everything.

John (11:06):\\u2028Yeah. And what a great idea to bring all those pictures so that you had a picture of what his life was like in the past.

Gail (11:13):\\u2028Yeah, it was so neat to be able to see pictures of him around the time when I was born. I\'m just like, "Wow." So, that was neat. And the other really, really fun thing for me is I look so much like him.

John (11:27):\\u2028Oh, I was going to ask you about that. Yeah.

"It feels good to look like my father"

Gail (11:30):
Yeah. There\'s some resemblance to my mom, if you look hard enough you can kind of tell that we\'re related. But he and I any time I posted a picture on Facebook, and everyone\'s like oh yeah, who would question you\'re not related? It\'s pretty obviously. So, that\'s fun for me because I always felt like I never looked like anyone. So, that\'s a really super special thing for me.

John (11:56):\\u2028Yeah. Do you feel that this has brought closure to your quest to know more about who you are, and where you\'ve come from?

Gail (12:07):\\u2028Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I mean, even to think of all that\'s happened in the last three years, and in some ways it seems like I\'ve known a lot longer all these questions. I mean, there\'s just a settledness to me that it just feels like this is how it is now. And other days, I just sit and think wow, never on this Earth did I think I would know names of my parents, much less to know them personally.

John (12:45): Yeah.

Gail (12:45):\\u2028And just how amazing it is. And yeah, it\'s just so fantastic.

God\'s involvement in this feel-good story

John (12:55):
Mm-hmm. Where have you seen God involved in this, Gail, in this search not just for your birth father, but your birth mother? And just kind of filling in some gaps in your personal life story that you always wondered about. Where have you seen God involved in this?

Gail (13:17):
I mean, I just feel like I\'ve seen him every step of the way. How everything happened, I think it started way back when my husband bought me the DNA test years ago. Just to help me know what nationality I am, and do I have any diseases I need to worry about for my kids? And in that, and through that I never even would have thought to buy a DNA test. I didn\'t even really know it was a thing. And through that to be able to get so many answers, and so much peace. To meet my mom first, who I think I needed to meet her first. I needed to have that resolution. There\'s something about the birth mom, it\'s a different expectation, or a different [inaudible 00:14:22].

Growing up looking for mom

Gail (14:22):
I grew up looking for my mom at the mall, that\'s who I was looking for, I was looking for my mom. So, to find her first and to have that resolution. And then to be able to work through with her finding my dad, and then having this completion. And then with my dad now to have new siblings.\\xa0 My mom was all by herself, so it didn\'t really bring a lot of family relationships. But then with my dad, now there\'s all these siblings, and nieces, and nephews, and aunts. And some have reached out to me, I have a sister-in- law and an aunt who has reached out to me. And I\'m like wow. Yeah, I mean it\'s just all of it all I can do is just say, "Thank you God." There\'s nothing else to say.

John (15:09):\\u2028Yeah. Yeah. I\'m really happy for you that it\'s come out this way. Where do you see things headed forward now with all of this?

Timing is everything in this feel good story

Gail (15:30):
I see every visit as a gift. Neither my parents nor I are young anymore, so every visit that we can have, every time we talk on the phone is a gift. Just trying to be able to get to know them as much as I can while I have them. And I mean hopefully I have them for the next 20 years, that would be great. But just really recognizing it for the gift that it is, and appreciating that, and appreciating them, and taking advantage of everything I can.

John (16:09):
Yeah. Yeah. One part of your story that really captured my heart was that when you were telling about your adopted dad and what a great guy he was, I know you had a good relationship with your mom, but you were closer with your adopted father. And how when he was diagnosed with ALS, he had asked you about did you want his help in locating your birth parents? And at the time you weren\'t that interested. But then later you processed it that he knew that his time was short here on Earth, and he didn\'t want you to feel like you were fatherless. I just thought that was really incredible, and really a gift from God. Yeah.

A second family when the first one passes away

Gail (16:57):\\u2028Yeah. And in my mind, I just picture him just smiling at this whole situation. Just being so happy that I
have this, because now both he and my mom are gone, and so now I have kind of my second family.

John (17:17): Yeah.

Gail (17:17):\\u2028And I think that that would bring him great joy.

John (17:23):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I\'m really impressed with your birth father too, the fact that he is so happy to reconnect with you. Some would not be. I think I shared a story with my birth father, he wasn\'t happy, he was just apathetic, he could care less. And the fact that your birth father is wanting to have a relationship with you, because it\'s part of his past too. And then the acceptance of his wife of you into their life, I think is just really commendable. Really commendable.

"Welcome to the family!"

Gail (18:02):
Yeah, I think the whole thing has played out the best way it possibly could. When I wrote that letter to him, I was ready, I had to mentally prepare myself for anything including rejection. And just to know that okay, well I tried. I had to be ready for that. And when he got tested, and he wanted to confirm through DNA. And when he got the results back and he called me and just said, "Welcome to the family."

John (18:34):
Well, thanks again for your time, and for this wonderful story. I just find it very encouraging, Gail, on several different levels. Just encouraging how you\'ve managed to navigate this relationship with your birth mom, and your birth dad, and some of the dynamics of that with your mother especially. And actually being able to meet with your birth father is just a wonderful story of completion.

Gail (19:03): It is. It is.

John (19:04): Yeah.

Family relationships aren\\u2019t always easy

Gail (19:05): \\u2028And it\'s not always easy. There\'s hard times, and there\'s hard feelings. And you get more family, you get more problems, right? That\'s not always problem free, but it\'s worth it.

John (19:20):
Yeah, very true. Very true. Well again, thanks so much for your time, and for sharing this story with all of our listeners. I got some really good feedback the last three episodes too, and I\'m sure I\'m going to get the same with this one too.

Gail (19:38):
Wonderful, yeah. My 19-year-old sat down next to me just before Mother\'s Day, and it was when we were in the process of planning meeting my dad. He sat down, he says, "Dang mom, you collect parents like they\'re going out of style." I said, "Yeah, well more grandparents for you." He says, "Oh, that\'s true."

John (19:57):\\u2028Yeah. Well, that\'s very true. That\'s very true.

Gail (20:01):\\u2028So, I\'m done now. I have no more parents to find, so I\'m done.

John (20:06):\\u2028Okay, great. Great. Okay.

It helps to share our story

Gail (20:09):\\u2028Thanks, John. I appreciate you helping me talk through this too. It\'s really good for me to be able to get that perspective too. I don\'t always think that.

John (20:17):\\u2028Yeah, sometimes it\'s good to just talk out loud what\'s going on inside your head. I sure believe that.

Gail (20:23): It\'s true.

John (20:24):\\u2028And thank you for sharing all of that. And not just what\'s going on in your head, but what\'s going on in your heart, which you\'ve done so well here, so ...

Gail (20:32): Thanks.

John (20:33):\\u2028Well, you have a great rest of your afternoon, and thanks again. And we will stay in touch.

Gail (20:40): Sounds great; I would love that.

John (20:41):\\u2028Thank you, Gail, bye now.

Gail (20:43): Bye-bye.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Sometimes we just need a feel-good story to remind us of the goodness of God. When we see him meet the longing of someone else, we can rest in knowing that He can meet our deepest longings, too.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope this feel-good story makes you, well, feel good. It did for me. I spent years wondering about my birth father, and then months working to track him down. And when I finally met him in person, it didn\\u2019t go nearly as well as Gail\\u2019s meeting did. That\\u2019s a subject for another podcast.

But my experience hasn\\u2019t diminished my joy in hearing Gail\\u2019s experience one bit. Her joy is infectious, and I loved sharing in it. And I love seeing how God worked in her life. I hope you did, too. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast you think might be interested in today\\u2019s topic. Especially parents who have adopted, and also adult adoptees. And anyone else who could use a feel-good story like this one.

And as we talk frequently around here, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

Our website where you can access all past and future episodes

JohnCertalic.com

Related episodes mentioned in today\\u2019s show

029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1
030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2
124: Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

168: How to Live Well

I am your host John Certalic.\\xa0 As an award-winning author and relationship coach, I\'m here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

New to the podcast?

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That\\u2019s John with an \\u201cH\\u201d and Certalic with a \\u201cC\\u201d at the beginning and the end. Dot com. You\\u2019ll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

Today\\u2019s episode, number 168, is about a really important relationship God designed for you and me; namely, a relationship with Him! It\\u2019s where we\\u2019ll find the greatest amount of joy, for He teaches us how to live well in so many practical ways. For example, he devoted a whole book of the Bible to this subject, drawing from the life of Solomon. the wisest man who ever lived.

I\\u2019ll read the first chapter of this book from the Bible, the Book of Proverbs, and then comment from time to time as I read. It\\u2019s only 33 verses, so it won\\u2019t take long. As I read, notice the contrast between people who are wise, and those who are not, and notice the practical advice Solomon has for how to live well here in the 21st century.

NOTE: The comments I interject in reading of Proverbs 1 appear only in the audio version

The Purpose of Proverbs

1\\xa0These are the proverbs of Solomon, David\\u2019s son, king of Israel.
2 Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,\\u2028\\xa0 to help them understand the insights of the wise.\\u2028\\xa0 3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,\\u2028 to help them do what is right, just, and fair.\\u2028\\xa0 4 These proverbs will give insight to the simple,\\u2028 knowledge and discernment to the young.
5 Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.\\u2028 Let those with understanding receive guidance\\u2028, 6 by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,\\u2028 the words of the wise and their riddles.
7 Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,\\u2028 but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

A Father\\u2019s Exhortation: Acquire Wisdom

8 My child, listen when your father corrects you.\\u2028 Don\\u2019t neglect your mother\\u2019s instruction.\\u2028\\xa0 9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace\\u2028\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0and be a chain of honor around your neck.
10 My child, if sinners entice you,\\u2028 turn your back on them!\\u2028\\xa0 11 They may say, \\u201cCome and join us.\\u2028 Let\\u2019s hide and kill someone!\\u2028\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0Just for fun, let\\u2019s ambush the innocent!\\u2028\\xa0 12 Let\\u2019s swallow them alive, like the grave;\\u2028 let\\u2019s swallow them whole, like those who go down to the pit of death.\\u2028\\xa0 13 Think of the great things we\\u2019ll get!\\u2028 We\\u2019ll fill our houses with all the stuff we take.\\u2028\\xa0 14 Come, throw in your lot with us;\\u2028 we\\u2019ll all share the loot.\\u201d
15 My child, don\\u2019t go along with them!\\u2028 Stay far away from their paths.\\u2028\\xa0 16 They rush to commit evil deeds.\\u2028 They hurry to commit murder.\\u2028\\xa0 17 If a bird sees a trap being set,\\u2028 it knows to stay away.\\u2028\\xa0 18 But these people set an ambush for themselves;\\u2028 they are trying to get themselves killed.\\xa0 \\u202819 Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;\\u2028 it robs them of life.

Wisdom Shouts in the Streets

20 Wisdom shouts in the streets.\\u2028\\xa0 She cries out in the public square.\\u2028\\xa0 21 She calls to the crowds along the main street,\\u2028 to those gathered in front of the city gate:\\u2028\\xa0 22 \\u201cHow long, you simpletons,\\u2028 will you insist on being simpleminded?\\u2028How long will you mockers relish your mocking?\\u2028 How long will you fools hate knowledge?\\u2028\\xa0 23 Come and listen to my counsel.\\u2028I\\u2019ll share my heart with you\\u2028 and make you wise.
24 \\u201cI called you so often, but you wouldn\\u2019t come.\\u2028 I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.\\xa0 \\u202825 You ignored my advice\\u2028 and rejected the correction I offered.\\u2028\\xa0 26 So I will laugh when you are in trouble!\\u2028 I will mock you when disaster overtakes you \\u2014\\u2028\\xa0 27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,\\u2028\\xa0 when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,\\u2028\\xa0 and anguish and distress overwhelm you.
28 \\u201cWhen they cry for help, I will not answer.\\u2028 Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.\\u2028\\xa0 29 For they hated knowledge\\u2028 and chose not to fear the Lord.\\u2028\\xa0 30 They rejected my advice\\u2028 and paid no attention when I corrected them.\\u2028\\xa0 31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,\\u2028 choking on their own schemes.\\u2028\\xa0 32 For simpletons turn away from me\\u2014to death.\\u2028 Fools are destroyed by their own complacency.\\u202833 But all who listen to me will live in peace,\\u2028\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0untroubled by fear of harm.\\u201d

Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright \\xa9 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

If you start going through the 19.5 trillion Google entries for \\u201chow to live well\\u201d I mentioned at the beginning, I\\u2019m sure you\\u2019ll find some things that sound attractive. But most of them are about behavior.

Solomon, however, takes it a step further and talks about behavior rooted in our relationship with God and our reverence for Him and all that he stands for. Which raises the question for all of us, namely, how much do my values align with God\\u2019s values?

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

The answer to \\u201chow to live well\\u201d is found in growing in wisdom by looking beyond ourselves. It\\u2019s to live in reverence to God and embrace what is important to Him, and then live accordingly.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to ask yourself how wise are you living? Are you growing wiser as you allow the Spirit of God to teach you how to live well?

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

021:The most Important Relationship of All
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

167: A Path to Meaningful Conversations

To access future episodes it\\u2019s easiest if you go to JohnCertalic.com, and scroll halfway down the page where you enter your name and email address. Then click on the follow or subscribe button. You\\u2019ll get a brief email each week from me with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it\\u2019s about.

A useful metaphor

For today I want to think out loud about this idea of meaningful conversations, and several ways of considering this based on the quote I mentioned in the beginning, \\u201cyou cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.\\u201d

I like this butterfly/caterpillar metaphor for a couple of reasons. One way of looking at it would suggest butterfly people have a language caterpillar people don\\u2019t understand because they haven\\u2019t quite arrived yet like Butterfly people have. It may not be what the author intended, but it comes off a bit condescending. I\\u2019ve been in conversations where the person talking clearly views themself as a butterfly person looking down their nose at the caterpillars in the group. I bet you\\u2019ve seen this too. It\\u2019s hard to have a meaningful conversation when this is dynamic is present.

On the other hand, there is something beautiful about a butterfly person who remembers what it was like to be a caterpillar with all its limitations, and who has a great appreciation for the metamorphosis he or she has been through.

These are the patient people among us, usually older and wiser. People tolerant and understanding of those in a stage of life where they once were. Meaningful conversations with butterfly people like this are often filled with grace and wisdom. They understand caterpillar people haven\\u2019t yet been through what they\\u2019ve been through. They don\\u2019t have the words, the language, to process what Butterfly people have come to experience.

An obstacle to meaningful conversations

Another example of an obstacle to a meaningful conversation is when parents try to reason their young children into obedience using butterfly language. When they explain the logic and motives behind their well-meaning directives. It usually doesn\\u2019t work, because young kids are caterpillars and they don\\u2019t understand butterfly language.

Instead, parents need to speak caterpillar language to kids that goes something like this, \\u201cyou need to obey what I\\u2019m telling you because you need to obey. That\\u2019s your job right now, simply to obey, regardless of what you want to do. When you get older and are able to understand, I\\u2019ll explain why I\\u2019m telling you to obey. But for now, you don\\u2019t need to know why, you just need to obey.\\u201d

This issue of teaching children to obey is an important one that we\\u2019ll talk about in a future episode.

The "curse of knowledge" hinders communication

Another reason it\\u2019s hard to have meaningful conversations sometimes is because of the curse of knowledge. It\\u2019s the concept that you know something so well, so intimately, that it\\u2019s difficult to imagine what it was like to NOT KNOW what you know. And because you can\\u2019t imagine what it\\u2019s like to not know something, you have difficulty in passing on your knowledge to someone who doesn\\u2019t have it. You try, but it\\u2019s hard because you forgot what it\\u2019s like to be on the other side of the knowledge.

Computer people are like this. They have the curse of knowledge because they assume you know what they know, or at least have a piece of rudimentary knowledge of technical stuff. They talk in butterfly language, but you only speak caterpillar. So there\\u2019s a disconnect and a barrier to a meaningful conversation when it comes to fixing a computer problem.

On an interpersonal level, relationships can be difficult when people speak different emotional languages. Janet and I have a friend who grew up in a dysfunctional family, where everything revolved around pleasing Mom. Keeping Mom happy was the mission of her husband and each of the 3 kids. And Mom let everyone know when she wasn\\u2019t happy and who in the family failed in their role of keeping her happy. Guilt and shame were dished out as regularly as a weekly allowance.

A friend who learned butterfly language

As an adult, our friend went for counseling to deal with this emotional baggage, and over time grew healthy because she learned a butterfly language that helped her process her experience in healthy ways. She even learned how to speak her mother\\u2019s caterpillar language which on occasion even led to meaningful conversations.

Sadly, her siblings didn\\u2019t do the same. As adults, they continue trying to please Mom. But it\\u2019s never enough. It never is with people who live to be served, rather than to serve. Unlike our friend who went for counseling to learn a new language, her siblings moved to other parts of the country so as to have as little contact with Mom as possible. They continue to speak caterpillar to this day.

Let\\u2019s go back to parenting for a moment. Parents sometimes suffer from the curse of knowledge. We can\\u2019t remember what it was like to be a kid. To be afraid as a child. To be rejected by one\\u2019s friends. Or to be frustrated with not knowing how to do something your peers do with ease.

This curse of knowledge can get in the way of meaningful conversations between parents and their children.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

If you\\u2019re a butterfly person in your relationships, it would really help if you thought back to what it was like when you were a caterpillar. Back then, you didn\\u2019t know what you didn\\u2019t know.

The same is true for the caterpillar people in your life right now. They don\\u2019t know what they don\\u2019t know, either. So cut them some slack, give them a break. They probably won\\u2019t respond as well to you TELLING them how fulfilling it is to be a butterfly in your relationships. Show them instead. In relationships, caterpillar people crawl. Show them as a butterfly person they can fly!

And if you\\u2019re a caterpillar right now, watch the butterfly people around you. Do what they do to have meaningful conversations. Don\\u2019t stay stuck in your relationships. Break out of your cocoon. You were made for something more. Don\\u2019t settle for crawling when you could be flying.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

A path to meaningful conversations between people starts with working to understand others and their frame of reference, even when it\\u2019s very different from your own. To learn to speak the language of another is work, but it\\u2019s worth it.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated to work toward being a butterfly person with compassion for the caterpillars in your life.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Another episode you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine

She got me when she called me \\u201csweetheart\\u201d

I\\u2019ll begin with a story of relational sunshine that happened to me recently at the drive-through window of Wendy\\u2019s. Not exactly a place I can say I\\u2019ve ever experienced the warm rays of relational sunshine before. It\\u2019s usually been more a place of darkened skies with heavy fog rolling in. But this day was different.

When I got to the window and paid my bill a middle-aged woman with black horned-rim glasses leaned out the window a bit, handed me my food, and said with a really big smile, \\u201cHere you go sweetheart. Now you go have a great rest of your day.\\u201d

She got me the moment she called me \\u201csweetheart.\\u201d I\\u2019m a sucker for any matronly middle-aged woman who calls me that. Those brief words of hers, together with her toothy smile were the relational sunshine that brightened my otherwise cloudy afternoon.

Smile more

A few days after this, I had a conversation with my granddaughter who turned 17 recently. She works part-time at Target and when I asked her how it was going she said, \\u201cMy boss said he is happy with my work, but that I need to smile more with customers.\\u201d

\\u201cIt sounds like you have a good boss,\\u201d I said.

Have you ever noticed how many teenagers work at Target? One of our grandsons also works there. I was thinking about this one day and how all these young faces unknowingly spread a little relational sunshine my way - even when they\\u2019re not smiling.

They don\\u2019t have tattoos, nose rings, or purple hair, at least I haven\\u2019t noticed anyone like this so far. It\\u2019s not that I have anything against anyone who fits this profile. In fact, in episode 129 I talk about someone in her mid-20s who looks like this and how I apologized for scaring her. I described the scene as follows:

She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head.

I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn\\u2019t want her to think badly of us.

If you\\u2019re interested in how I unintentionally scared the girl, go to johncertalic.com/129

They\\u2019ll be in charge some day

Anyway, back to the teenagers who work at Target. There\\u2019s an innocence about them that reminds me of my own part-time job from another century when I was in high school. It\\u2019s where I found hope that my future was going to be better than my past. When I see those youthful faces stocking shelves and checking customers out at the cash register at Target it gives me a different kind of hope that somehow down the road we\\u2019re all going to be okay because these kids will be in charge.

I\\u2019m reminded they could all be at the beach right now, or in their bedrooms playing video games. But instead, they are giving up those pleasures to earn money that will help them take control of their lives.

Relational sunshine at night

More relational sunshine shone down on me at a recent baseball game I attended with my family. Like all major league baseball stadiums, ours here in Milwaukee requires fans to go through security before entering the ballpark. On this particular game night after I made it through to the other side, one of the security people said in the most sincerest of tones, and with a big smile on his face, \\u201cEnjoy the game!\\u201d

He was an older man, probably retired, working a part-time job to pick up a few extra bucks. His countenance and persona in wishing me an enjoyable evening cast a few rays of relational sunshine my way. They left me smiling, too. I could tell he was sincere and enjoyed greeting people and wishing them well.

These three examples of others spreading a little relational sunshine got me thinking about how I operate. I\\u2019m not an extrovert and usually don\\u2019t talk to people I don\\u2019t know. Unless they offer me candy, or a look at a cute little puppy in the back seat of their car. But in reflecting upon these stories I\\u2019ve recounted for you, and how complete strangers brightened my day, it made me think maybe I could do the same for someone else.

I can do this, too

My chance to do so happened one evening at the drive-through window of yet another fast-food place, Culver\\u2019s, a nationwide hamburger and custard restaurant based in Wisconsin. It has a special place in my heart as two of our grandsons got their first part-time jobs here. The food isn\\u2019t half-bad, and like Target, they hire clean-cut wholesome-looking kids - and grandma types. One of the things I appreciate about this chain is that they also hire young people with developmental disabilities, like those with Down\\u2019s syndrome.

Anyway, one evening I was in the drive-through line at Culver\\u2019s and when I reached the cashier\\u2019s window the teenage boy manning the window said \\u201c\\u2026your total is $19.39.\\u201d He paused briefly, then said, \\u201cThat was a long time ago.\\u201d

Admiring his sense of humor in juxtaposing the numbers of a cash transaction with a period of history, I responded with \\u201cYeah, it was even before I was born.\\u201d

Then, as I gave the boy a twenty-dollar bill for my order I asked, \\u201cDo you know what famous event occurred in 1939?\\u201d

\\u201cI have no idea,\\u201d he said.

\\u201cOn September 1, 1939, Nazi Germany marched into Poland, officially beginning World War II,\\u201d I replied.

The boy smiled for the first time and chuckled as he gave me my change, and said, \\u201cOh, I should have known that. I really like history.\\u201d

We smiled at each other and then I drove off. By acknowledging his sense of humor and playing along with him, I realized I had spread a little relational sunshine in his life. And I had fun doing so. It sent a few of those relational sunshine rays back to me.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I have a hunch there\\u2019s more relational sunshine out there for all of us, if we just look for it, mostly in unexpected places. Lately for me, it\\u2019s been at the window of the drive-through lane at fast-food restaurants. How about for you? I wonder what unexpected places in your life could be a source of relational sunshine for you.

I also have this thought: you could be more than just a recipient of relational sunshine. You could be a source of it in unexpected ways, as I was with something as simple as bantering with a teenager at Culver\\u2019s. With something as simple as smiling as someone. I know you can do this, and hope you give it a try. Intentionally smile at someone and see what happens. It might even land you a part-time job at Target.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

It seems that relational sunshine often starts with a smile. The simple act of smiling seems to penetrate the relational ozone separating us from each other. By spreading around a little relational sunshine we spark joy in others, and in ourselves as well.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve heard today.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And of course, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around with the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

129 Thankful We Don\'t Always Have to Be Right
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them

The best Father\'s Day gift for 2022

A few weeks ago in the episode about The Best Father\\u2019s Day gift for 2022, I mentioned that this best gift is to ask your father questions about his life. And if you have a son who\\u2019s a father, ask him questions about his life. It\\u2019s one of the best gifts you can give anyone. Because we don\\u2019t know people nearly as well as we think we do. If you missed that show you can find it at\\xa0 john certalic.com/162.

I\\u2019ve given lots of talks in workshops on how asking people questions can deepen relationships. But there\\u2019s always an issue that someone in the audience invariably brings up. I\\u2019m going to deal with this issue in today\\u2019s show.

And if you hang around to the end I\\u2019ll also give you a useful tip on how to answer an awkward question that comes out of nowhere that puts you ill at ease. But before we get into all this here\\u2019s Carol:

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

Hey, thank you, Carol. And hello everyone! I\\u2019m glad you\\u2019ve joined us today for episode 165, \\u201cNosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them.\\u201c If you\\u2019re new to the podcast and like what you hear, I encourage you to follow the show by going to my website, JohnCertalic.com, and then click on the \\u201cfollow\\u201d or \\u201csubscribe\\u201d button.

Why don\\u2019t we ask meaningful questions of each other?

I\\u2019ve mentioned in a number of episodes before the powerful impact asking questions of each other has in drawing people closer together. There\\u2019s also a downside to question asking, which I\\u2019ve also discussed, but we won\\u2019t get into that today.

Instead, I am going to talk about an objection I often hear about asking questions of people. I first talked about it in episode 63.

We\\u2019re reluctant to ask meaningful questions of each other, for fear of being perceived as \\u201cnosey.\\u201d I find this reason for our lack of curiosity to be most interesting to me. As I mentioned before, in workshops I give on this subject, invariably someone will ask something along the lines of: \\u201cBut if I ask questions of people close to me, won\\u2019t they think I\\u2019m just being nosey? I was always taught \\u2018If someone wants you to know something about them, they will tell you.\\u2019\\u201d

A culture of secrets

This is one of those \\u201cexception\\u201d questions that often come up in workshops. It\\u2019s usually from someone in the crowd who disagrees with what the presenter is saying, or who wants to hijack the direction the speaker is taking with his or her own agenda. Or it\\u2019s someone who just loves to hear himself talk.

The \\u201cI have always believed if people wanted you to know they\\u2019d tell you\\u201d comment reveals a person who often comes from a background or culture of secrets. They hold things close to the vest. Their theme song is we need to be private, and we mustn\\u2019t invade the privacy of others. You find this dynamic in people who grew up in families where there was addiction, sexual abuse, or other dysfunctions.

All of this raises the question of what\\u2019s the difference between nosey people and those genuinely curious about others? I posted this question on Facebook a few years ago and here are a few answers I received:

Listener responses

Rita. Curious people genuinely empathize with others and what they learn about them. They delight in, rejoice over, wonder further, grieve with...in order to grow deeper in a relationship. Nosiness satisfies a fleshly yearning to know more, not to know better.

Joan. I think nosey people ask questions about situations or things that have happened, like in the neighborhood or even in family situations that they need to know so they can then pass it on and gossip. I think a genuinely curious person wants to know about you, your feelings, and situations that are true to the core of your being. They want to make sure you are ok and demonstrate care and concern out of love. A curious person will share of themselves and maybe share a situation that they themselves have experienced. Curious is more heart-centered, nosey is more informational.

Rob. I cannot add much to the above. I always referred to myself as being nosey when I asked people questions. Recently I was corrected by someone who told me I was curious and should use that word. I think that is true because I do not just want information but want to know something about that person. People are interesting and we do like to talk about ourselves. At least I do!

Other reasons we may not ask meaningful questions of others

There is an element of culture and personality to this issue, too. Some cultures around the world are very private, and there are others where personal privacy is non-existent. Personality is part of it too. I\\u2019ve found that the more extroverted among us don\\u2019t even think about what questions to ask others. While the introverted, think of questions but are too shy to ask them. It\'s hard for them to be nosey.

Here are a few more of my thoughts on the differences between nosey and curious:

Am I being nosey or curious?

• Nosey people don\\u2019t enrich your life. Curious people do.
• Nosey is the cousin of gossip. They are close relatives.
• Nosey people ask so they can evaluate others and compare. Curious people ask to understand.
  Curiosity requires something of us. Nosiness doesn\\u2019t.
• Being nosey separates us. Curiosity brings us together.
• Nosey people assume there is a deeper relationship than actually exists
• Nosey people often use information they gain from you against you. Curious people use information they get from you for you.
• Finally, I\\u2019ve come to the conclusion that our fear of being nosey in our relationships is usually just a cop-out. Just an excuse to get us off the hook from failing to honor people by wanting to understand what life is like for them.

Here are 6 benefits of being curious enough to ask people questions about themselves

1. It gets us out of our self-focused life to see the wonder of what God has created in the life of another. It draws us closer to God as we better understand our brothers and sisters created in his image. For when we see how much God loves someone else, warts and all, it makes us appreciate God all the more.
2. Asking questions of others opens doors for deeper connections with them.
3. It\\u2019s a great remedy for depression and loneliness.
4. When we understand people better because of how they answer our questions, it causes us to be grateful for what we have, that others do not.
5. Being curious enough to ask people questions draws out the experience and wisdom from the quiet introverts among us.
6. We can learn from other people\\u2019s mistakes when we understand them better.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Two things.

Question your questions. Are you asking them to better understand people and deepen your relationship with them? Or are you asking questions just to be nosey?

Secondly, don\\u2019t let your fear of being nosey hold you back from asking a meaningful question of a friend. Become more curious about the important people in your life. It will draw you closer to them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Being nosey weakens a relationship, being curious strengthens it.

For added measure, I\\u2019ll throw in this related quote from Ruth Haley Barton

Sometimes the questions we ask are more important than the answers we think we know.

Final takeaway: How to answer a question that catches you off guard

Have you ever been caught off guard by a question someone asks you? A question that surprises you, puts you on the defensive, or in some way is inappropriate? Here\\u2019s an effective way you can respond.

Simply ask the questioner, \\u201cWhy do you ask?\\u201d It will take the spot light off you and shine it back on the other person. It will buy you time in trying to figure out where the conversation is going so you can decide if you want to go there.

Answer a question with a question. Jesus did it all the time.

Closing

In closing, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to ask meaningful questions of people you want to understand better.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re not More Curious About People, and What We\\u2019re Missing as a Result

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

164: Little Things That Matter in Relationships

Recovering from knee surgery

My wife Janet had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago. We talked about the details of the operation, as we knew them, with one of our friends, Linda (not her real name).

I\\u2019ve mentioned her before in this podcast. We\\u2019ve been friends with her for several decades, with more contact with each other in recent years.

Because another of Linda\'s friends went through it too, she was familiar with the recovery that\\u2019s involved.

Several weeks after the surgery Linda sent Janet a card and asked how she was doing. She said she\\u2019d like to stop over and visit when Janet was up to it.

After a few more weeks of recovery, when Janet was over the very worst of the pain, Linda came over for dinner and the three of us had a pleasant evening. We got caught up on each other\\u2019s lives, with Linda sharing about her adult daughter\\u2019s bout with cancer. More on that later.

We sat outside on our patio for one of the first times this year. Very calm & restful evening. Being with Linda got Janet\\u2019s mind off her knee pain for a few hours that night.

Janet talked about how her knee surgery brought on a mysterious new craving for cookies. She told me they had medicinal properties that sped up healing. So as Janet\\u2019s medical director I dispensed them occasionally as needed.

Linda told Janet about the new upscale cookie store in town, Crumbl. Janet started salivating.

Cookies and listening to Marcel Marceau\\u2019s CD of classic love songs are the two things that soothe Janet\\u2019s spirits the most.

A surprise visit

The next day I\\u2019m working in my home office when around noon, our doorbell rings. Here it is Linda, delivering two small boxes from Crumbl, each with one of their gourmet, upscale cookies inside. One for Janet and one for me. I have a photo of it in the show notes.

From what I understand these cookies are pretty pricey. Loan officers set up in the store taking financing applications to buy these cookies.

I invited Linda in but she had her dog in the car, and said couldn\\u2019t stay. So I took one of the cookies to Janet, and she was over-the-moon delighted.

In this very kind gesture by Linda, I saw an example of two principles of deepening relationships at work. The First is the ORA principle I\\u2019ve talked about before in this podcast. Linda

Observed Janet\\u2019s condition

Reflected upon the pain Janet was experiencing, then Remembered what made it better for her - a cookie.

Acted. She came back the next day with a cookie for Janet from Crumbl

ORA.

Unconsciously skilled in relationships

The other relationship principle I saw in place is the relational skill level of Linda. I talked about the 4 levels of relational skills back in episodes 11 through 14. I\\u2019ll have links to them in the show notes.

• Unconsciously unskilled
• Consciously unskilled
• Consciously skilled
• Unconsciously skilled

Linda is certainly at the 4th level, the highest level, unconsciously skilled. It\\u2019s just part of her character. She brought the cookie for Janet without giving it a lot of thought, I\\u2019m sure. Because that\\u2019s who Linda is. It\\u2019s her character.

Another thing I noticed, she didn\\u2019t ask Janet, \\u201cIs there anything I can do to help?\\u201d No, she just took an educated guess and did something based on what she observed and reflected upon, which prompted her to act.

Linda\\u2019s caring in context

Linda\\u2019s daughter has incurable colon cancer, and she\\u2019s living with her and her family to help out. I talked about this in episode 148.

She\\u2019s watching her daughter go through the pain of chemotherapy, and witnessing her frail 40-something daughter struggle to make it through the day. Yet Linda still extended herself to Janet with her Crumbl cookie delivery. It made her caring gesture all the more meaningful given how her daughter\\u2019s journey with cancer is uppermost in her mind.

As for me, I certainly enjoyed the cookie. But more than that I enjoyed watching Linda care for Janet in ways so meaningful for her, and yet what appeared so naturally. It was a true reflection of the character of God.

It was a reminder that I can be more like Linda myself, not just with Janet, but with other people. I need to pay attention to the little things that matter in relationships important to me. And so do you. For we all need each other. We can\\u2019t go it alone.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

You can become unconsciously skilled in relationships like Linda is. It just takes practice. So here\\u2019s what I would like you to try:

Think about one important relationship in your life right now. Then ask yourself what might be little things that matter in that relationship you could attend to. See if you can step it up a notch, pay more attention to those little things, and see how it goes for you.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Paying attention to the little things that matter the most in a relationship will strengthen that relationship. We discover what those little things are when we observe - reflect - then act.

I\\u2019d love to hear how this works out for you, so please let me know.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard. To think about just one person in your life and your best guess as to what are the little things that matter most to them. And then do that little thing for them.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. That would be one little thing that could matter to someone. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around this week. Spark some joy in the people you run into. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

011: Relationship Skills - Level 1
012: Relationship Skills - Level 2
013: Relationship Skills - Level 3
014: Relationship Skills - Level 4
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

163: What You and I Need Most

The Uvalde, Texas shooting

I\\u2019ll start with an article Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal shortly after the shooting in Uvalde, Texas. It\\u2019s a blistering piece of fire-breathing anger at the police on the scene who stood around for 45 minutes outside the school while the killer inside gunned down children in their classroom. The failure of the police to storm the building to take out the murderer is contemptible, says Noonan. Young children were calling 911 from their cell phones while the police did nothing. They called for help but none came.

One of the things I appreciate about Peggy Noonan is her ability to look at events in their larger context and to find meaning in them that goes beyond the immediate. She ends her article with the following:

\\u201cI close with a thought tugging around in my brain. I think I am seeing a broad and general decline in professionalism in America, a deterioration of our pride in concepts like rigor and excellence. Jan. 6 comes and law enforcement agencies are weak and unprepared and the U.S. Capital falls to a small army of mooks [stupid or incompetent person]. Afghanistan and the departure that was really a collapse, all traceable to the incompetence of diplomatic and military leadership. It\\u2019s like everyone\\u2019s forgotten the mission.

\\u201cI\\u2019m not saying, \\u2018Oh, America was once so wonderful and now it\\u2019s not.\\u2019 I\\u2019m saying we are losing old habits of discipline and pride in expertise - of peerlessness. There was a kind of American gleam. If the world called on us - in business, the arts, the military, diplomacy, science - they knew they were going to get help. The grown-ups had arrived with their deep competence.

The larger meaning found in the Texas tragedy

\\u201cAmerica now feels more like the people who took the Expedited Three Month Training Course and got the security badge and went to work and formed an affinity group to advocate for change. A people who love to talk, endlessly, about sensitivity, yet aren\\u2019t sensitive enough to save children bleeding out on the other side of the door.

\\u201cI fear that as people we\\u2019re becoming not only increasingly unimpressive but increasingly unlovable.

\\u201cMy God, I\\u2019ve never seen a country so in need of a hero.\\u201d

- Peggy Noonan, June 4, 2022, Wall Street Journal, page A15

Let that last line sink in for a minute, My God, I\\u2019ve never seen a country so in need of a hero. It\\u2019s Noonan\\u2019s take on what you and I need most right now. I\\u2019m going to come back to this in a little bit.

The second event - Queen Elizabeth\\u2019s Platinum Jubilee

In contrast to the implications of the murders in Texas, we had the Platinum Jubilee celebration in England for Queen Elizabeth II. It was to honor her for the 70 years she\\u2019s been the queen, and for becoming the longest-ruling monarch in British - and European - history.

Is there anyone who doesn\\u2019t like Queen Elizabeth? I saw a few TV clips of the Jubilee event and all the commentators talked about the hundreds of thousands of Brits who turned out for this 4-day celebration to cheer on the queen. In watching this, I couldn\\u2019t help but think of Peggy Noonan\\u2019s quote about America, \\u201cI\\u2019ve never seen a country so in need of a hero.\\u201d

Could it be that Queen Elizabeth is the hero England needs? She doesn\\u2019t have any political power. She can\'t set polices for the country. Yet she he is so dearly loved .

Why? My sense is that she is stability personified in the otherwise unstable world we live in. She is a continuation of the monarchy that\\u2019s been part of British history for over a thousand years.

The Queen\'s appeal

Her appeal is even more winsome when you consider the dysfunction of the Royal Family. There\\u2019s Prince Charles and his messy divorce with the oh-so-popular Princess Diana and his related affair with Camila. There\\u2019s the scandal with the queen\\u2019s other son, Prince Andrew. And of course, the current mess with Harry and Megan throwing the Royal Family under the bus. Yet Queen Elizabeth stays out of the public fray of it all. You\\u2019ve got to admire a queen like this. The family she presides over isn\\u2019t all that different than some of our own families.

Is someone like Queen Elizabeth what you and I need most right now? Before I answer, there\\u2019s one more worldwide event to consider. One that connects with the Peggy Noonan article about the shooting in Uvalde, Texas, and Queen Elizabeth\\u2019s Platinum Jubilee.

78th Anniversary of D-Day

This month, here in 2022, marks the 78th anniversary of D-Day, the invasion of Normandy, which marked the beginning of the end of World War II. This year\\u2019s anniversary had a different twist to it that I had not seen or heard of before.

Several years ago, in rare bi-partisan support, Congress approved an addition to the WWII memorial in Washington, D.C. Construction will begin next month, in July 2022, on the D-Day Prayer Project.

On June 6, 1944, at At 9:57 pm, President Franklin Roosevelt addressed the nation on radio, announcing the D-Day invasion that began earlier that day. He encouraged everyone to join him in prayer about the invasion.\\xa0 It will be added to the WWII memorial.

It\\u2019s not too long, so I will read it to you. It was what the world needed most on June 6, 1944. And it is certainly what you and I need most now. As I read the prayer, look past the specifics of that war-time need, and instead think about the appeal to a person outside of ourselves to meet our needs when things are looking terrible. That\\u2019s the point. Here\\u2019s the prayer:

FDR\'s prayer

My fellow Americans: Last night, when I spoke with you about the fall of Rome, I knew at that moment that troops of the United States and our allies were crossing the Channel in another and greater operation. It has come to pass with success thus far. And so, in this poignant hour, I ask you to join with me in prayer:

Almighty God: Our sons, pride of our Nation, this day have set upon a mighty endeavor, a struggle to preserve our Republic, our religion, and our civilization, and to set free a suffering humanity.

Lead them straight and true; give strength to their arms, stoutness to their hearts, steadfastness in their faith. They will need Thy blessings. Their road will be long and hard. For the enemy is strong. He may hurl back our forces. Success may not come with rushing speed, but we shall return again and again; and we know that by Thy grace, and by the righteousness of our cause, our sons will triumph.

They will be sore tried, by night and by day, without rest-until the victory is won. The darkness will be rent by noise and flame. Men\'s souls will be shaken with the violences of war.

For these men are lately drawn from the ways of peace. They fight not for the lust of conquest. They fight to end conquest. They fight to liberate. They fight to let justice arise, and tolerance and good will among all Thy people. They yearn but for the end of battle, for their return to the haven of home.

Some will never return. Embrace these, Father, and receive them, Thy heroic servants, into Thy kingdom.

Pray for ourselves

And for us at home - fathers, mothers, children, wives, sisters, and brothers of brave men overseas - whose thoughts and prayers are ever with them - help us, Almighty God, to rededicate ourselves in renewed faith in Thee in this hour of great sacrifice.

Many people have urged that I call the Nation into a single day of special prayer. But because the road is long and the desire is great, I ask that our people devote themselves in a continuance of prayer. As we rise to each new day, and again when each day is spent, let words of prayer be on our lips, invoking Thy help to our efforts.

Give us strength, too - strength in our daily tasks, to redouble the contributions we make in the physical and the material support of our armed forces.

And let our hearts be stout, to wait out the long travail, to bear sorrows that may come, to impart our courage unto our sons wheresoever they may be.

Give us faith

And, O Lord, give us Faith. Give us Faith in Thee; faith in our sons; faith in each other; and faith in our united crusade. Let not the keenness of our spirit ever be dulled. Let not the impacts of temporary events, of temporal matters of but fleeting moment let not these deter us in our unconquerable purpose.

With Thy blessing, we shall prevail over the unholy forces of our enemy. Help us to conquer the apostles of greed and racial arrogancies. Lead us to the saving of our country, and with our sister Nations into a world unity that will spell a sure peace a peace invulnerable to the schemings of unworthy men. And a peace that will let all of men live in freedom, reaping the just rewards of their honest toil.

Thy will be done, Almighty God.

Amen.

What you and I need Most

Let\\u2019s return now to the three events I mentioned in the beginning and consider the theme they all touch on.

• The elementary school killing of 19 young children in Uvalde, Texas
• Queen Elizabeth and her Platinum Jubilee celebration in England
• Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France

The thread that ties these events together is the need for someone or something outside of ourselves to get us out of a mess, to give us a sense of stability that things are going to be okay, no matter what. Like the trapped 4th graders in that Uvalde Texas classroom, we all need someone to rescue us. In our case, to rescue us from ourselves.

We need stability in our lives. We need someone like Queen Elizabeth who has been giving 70 years of her life to serving her subjects, with no intention of stopping. Someone so deeply committed to us. Someone beyond ourselves.

We need God like the allied forces needed on D-Day. Like FDR who called upon us to pray to defeat that which seeks to destroy us.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

It is easier to understand how we need to be saved from forces outside of ourselves like evil people. It\\u2019s harder to understand how at times we need to be saved from ourselves. What we need most, in either case, is Jesus.

In the Gospel of John, chapter 6, some of the disciples of Jesus begin to desert him. It prompts Jesus to say to his 12 apostles, \\u201cAre you going to leave, too?\\u201d Peter replies and says in effect, Where else would we go? You are the only one who gives life.\\u201d

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

We all need to be rescued from something. Often it\\u2019s to be rescued from ourselves. So the rescue must come from someone outside of us. Thankfully, what we need most is right in front of us. Just look and you\\u2019ll find Jesus there. Ready to rescue.

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to call upon him to calm your heart in light of the troubled times in which we live. To ask him to save you from your fears, idiosyncrasies, and dysfunctions whatever they may be. And to replace them with the peace only he can provide.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of your relationship with God. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please tell others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

162: The Best Fathers Day Gift For 2022

A disturbing email

Not too long ago I signed up for a free account with Canva, an Australian-based software company that helps people design social media graphics, presentations, posters, documents, etc. It\\u2019s kind of like Graphic Design for Dummies. It has lots of templates, and I used one for a gift certificate a while back. If you\\u2019re interested in this for yourself, you can go to canva.com.

I get occasional emails from them, one of which arrived on On May 22nd, about a month before Father\\u2019s Day. The subject line read,

\\u201cWould you rather opt out of Father\\u2019s Day emails?\\u201d

It went on to say

Father\\u2019s Day is coming up and we know it can be a difficult day for many. That\\u2019s why we want to offer the option to opt out of Father\\u2019s Day emails from us.

And then it gave directions on how to opt out.

Troublesome Assumptions

Father\\u2019s Day is difficult for Many? Really? For a few, I\\u2019m sure. For some, you bet. But Many? And how could the mention of Father\\u2019s Day be troubling? A loving father who\\u2019s died and is dearly missed, perhaps? But I don\\u2019t get that sense at all. I could be all wrong about this, but I find in this email an underlying and troublesome assumption.

Sure, I can understand Father\\u2019s day triggering memories of abuse by one\\u2019s father, but are we that weak that we need to censure emails to protect us from bad memories? I don\\u2019t think so.

The email assumes many of us are victims, which I find distasteful. A bad dad may be part of our story, but it doesn\\u2019t have to be an active part. No matter how rotten a father we had, we can celebrate all the far more numerous good fathers that other people have been blessed with. Father\\u2019s Day isn\\u2019t just about us.

I find the email patronizing and condescending. It\\u2019s subtle, but it seems like fathers have become yet another group maligned in today\\u2019s cancel culture.

I don\\u2019t recall getting a similar email from Canva in the days leading up to Mother\\u2019s day last month.

It\'s hard being a man in these times. For a more balanced view of good men who become fathers, listen to episode 135, \\u201cChristmas With a Good Man Brings Joy.\\u201d It\\u2019s about Joseph, the early father of Jesus. It\\u2019s one of my favorites. I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, along with other related episodes mentioned here.

2nd runner up to the best Father\\u2019s Day gift of 2022

Before I reveal the best Father\\u2019s Day gift of the year, here are the runners-up.

In third place: Marcel Marceau sings \\u2026.. Classic Rock Songs From the \\u201890s. Carol, my boss, and executive producer is a big Marcel Marceau fan. For Christmas one year she gave me Marcel Marceau Sings Famous Broadway Show Tunes. The CD she gave me must have been scratched because it was hard to hear.

For music-loving fathers, Classic Rock Songs From the 90s by Marcel Marceau would be a good choice.

1st runner up to the Best Father\\u2019s Day gift of 2022

The second-best Father\\u2019s Day gift for 2022 and first runner-up is actually a real gift most dads would love. It\\u2019s a wallet from Pro Style Sports made of the same leather as used in making baseballs. I\\u2019ve had one for 4 years. It\\u2019s the best wallet I\\u2019ve ever had.

I just bought another one in case they stop making this model. Genuine baseball leather. So many compliments when I take it to pay a bill. The smell. Well-made. Cleans easily. The patina over time is authentic.

You can buy it on Amazon by clicking on this link: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl.

It will generate a small commission for the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.

If you already bought him a gift, buy him this wallet for Christmas.

The winner: Best Father\\u2019s Day Gift for 2022

Ask your father questions about his life.

Talk to your dad, tell him you want to learn more of his story. Come up with a few questions ahead of time based on the initial question of \\u201cWhat might it be like to be my father?\\u2019

If your father is deceased or estranged from you. Talk to another father, learn his story. If your son is now a father, take off your \\u201cThat\\u2019s my boy\\u201d sunglasses, and look at him as a father.

If you\\u2019re new to the podcast, you\\u2019ll find a more detailed explanation of how to ask questions in episodes 64 and 65.

It will honor your father, It could draw him closer to you.

I wished I would have asked my father more questions. I think I was afraid of him. Tennis. The War. Growing up without a father. Ice skating - who taught him all that stuff. His half-sister, my Aunt Jo, etc.

He\\u2019s gone now and my questions remain unanswered.

Inquiry into your father\\u2019s life will not only honor him, but it will give you a greater understanding of your dad. Even if he was the bad father my disturbing email was suggesting. Understanding the story of your bad father will help you forgive, if there\\u2019s something needing forgiveness.

This Best Father\\u2019s Day gift of 2022 won\\u2019t cost you any money, but it will cost you some time, and perhaps a bit of your heart.

And it\'s a gift you can give your dad year-round. Even for Christmas

So what does all this mean for YOU?

The best gift we can give anyone is to be curious about their story. Everyone has one, you know. When we inquire about a person\\u2019s life for the purpose of understanding them better we honor them. It will bring out the best in you. It will bring out the best in them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

The best Father\\u2019s Day gift in 2022 is to be curious about your Dad by asking him questions about his life. Listening to his story honors him, and it will help deepen your relationship with him.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard. Exercise your curiosity muscles by getting to know your father better. I can assure you, you don\\u2019t know him as well as you think you do. But it\\u2019s not too late to start now.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

Resources mentioned in this episode

Wallet gift for Father\'s Day: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

135: Christmas With A Good Man Brings Joy

064: Start With This Important Question to Ask

065: End With Asking This Important Question

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

161: We Are Made For Relationships

I\\u2019m a big fan of Ken Burns and the documentaries he produces. His most recent one, which aired on PBS, was about the life of Benjamin Franklin. This founding father of the United States is remembered for a number of things. He helped write the Declaration of Independence and is credited with inventing the Franklin stove, bifocal eyeglasses, and the rocking chair.

When I saw the Ken Burns documentary, it reminded me of an episode I did several years ago, episode 32, that among other things talked about what Ben Franklin did to deal with the loneliness he was experiencing in his 20s. It fascinated me because loneliness is certainly a relationship concern here in the 21st century.

Franklin\\u2019s solution to his loneliness was part of a larger discussion in that episode about what our purpose is here on earth. What are we made for? I suggested and still believe strongly, that we are made for relationships.

Because this is such an important topic I thought it would be helpful to rewind parts of that earlier episode for today\\u2019s show. We\\u2019ll start by looking at the biblical basis for the importance of relationships.

Why relationships are important

• In the 1st chapter of the 1st book of the Bible, Genesis, we learn that all of mankind is made in the image of God.
• We also learn that God is a relational God, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of the Trinity interacting with each other.
• So since we are created in the image of God, and since God is relational, we are to be relational as well. As people of faith, we are to reflect God\\u2019s image in all our relationships. We were made for this.
• In living as an image-bearer of God we can make a contribution and difference in the world through our relationships. We were made for this.
• It gives glory to God as we imitate this relational quality of his, especially when we do it well. We were made for this.
• When Jesus was asked by the religious leaders of the day what the greatest commandment was, what was the most important thing anyone could do, he responded with \\u201cYou must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.\\u201d He said everything we are to do in life is summed up in these two commandments. That is what we are made for. We are made for relationships (Matthew 22:36-39).

Relationships are what our podcast is all about

If you\\u2019ve been around here for a while and ever wondered about our podcast name, You Were Made for This, I hope by you realize that Relationships are the THIS we are made for. We were all made for relationships.

This podcast is designed to equip people to make their relationships the best they can possibly be. The 31 episodes from season one were created to give people tools and ways of thinking they can use to enhance their relationships because on so many levels, it\\u2019s our relationships that give our life meaning and purpose.

So for today let\\u2019s consider relationships in terms of the THIS we were made for. We\\u2019ll use T.H.I.S as an acronym to describe four important qualities that will transform our relationships into the best they can be. I\\u2019ll be making some comments and observations about each of them.

T.H.I.S

T - Transcendence

• To be transcendent in our relationships means to exceed our natural inclination as a human being to be self-centered, where our inherent goal is to do whatever we have to do to meet our needs and desires. To be transcendent is to move past our focus on self, to focus on others instead. It\\u2019s to go beyond \\u201cconforming to the pattern of this world\\u201d that the Apostle Paul talks about in Romans 12: 2.
• When we see our life as a relational one, it acknowledges our need for something outside of ourselves. It\\u2019s to admit vulnerability, which can be scary for some. It\\u2019s to admit we have needs we cannot meet ourselves.
• Maintaining good relationships is a means of worship for any person of faith. Romans 12 tells us we are to present our entire personhood to God as an act of worship. And this includes our relationships.
• Three relationships are discussed in the 17 verses of this chapter. Our relationship with God. Our relationship with ourselves. And our relationship with each other; with other people.
• We can influence the world and make it a better place through our relationships. People are watching. We model for them what good relationships look like and the rewards that come with relating well.
• To transform relationship requires change on our part. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Don\\u2019t expect any transformation my reacting. Expect Transformations when WE change.

H - Honor

• One of the most relational verses of the Bible is found in the Apostle Paul\\u2019s letter to the Romans, chapter 12, verse 10: \\u201cTake delight in honoring each other.\\u201d (NLT) Notice the \\u201cdelight!\\u201d
• We honor someone when we listen to them, which is sorely lacking in today\\u2019s culture
• We honor people when we try to bring out the best in them. For when we bring out the best in others we bring out the best in ourselves. It\\u2019s one way we experience joyful, life-giving relationships.
• We honor our relationship with another person when we humbly acknowledge our weaknesses and relational skills, and work to hone those skills for the sake of the relationship.
• We honor the difficult relationships in our lives when we allow people to experience the consequences of their choices, even when we see how those choices are so harmful to the person making them.

I - Initiate

• Because of the fall, relationships are not as life-giving as they could be. But these relationships can be transformed.
• Relationships by and large are transformed when we take action, when we take initiative, rather than waiting for someone to initiate with us
• We were made to take the initiative in our relationships, regardless of how other parties in that relationship may or may not respond.
• Cal Newport, in his latest book, Digital Minimalism, tells an interesting story about taking initiative in relationships. You\\u2019ll find a link to the book at the end of the show notes. Apparently relationships were important to one of the founding fathers of the United States, Benjamin Franklin. In 1727 he returned from London, to live in his newly adopted home of Philadelphia. He was from Boston and had no social connections in the City of Brotherly Love. Only 21 at the time, Franklin soon discovered he wasn\\u2019t feeling the love in Philadelphia.
• But rather than waiting for relationships to come to him, he created his own network of relationships he called the Junto Social Club. It had 12 members, from various walks of life, who met every Friday evening for 38 years to discuss the social issues of the day.

Franklin acts

What is important in this story is that Franklin initiated. He stepped out. What if all lonely people did this? What if we all initiated like this?

There are elements of our culture, however, that run counter to the notion of taking initiative in relationships. One of them is the online world of digital technology.

In Digital Minimalism, Newport quotes MIT professor Shirley Turkle who makes the distinction between connection (online interactions) and conversation (real-world encounters between human beings).

"Face-to-face conversation is the most human-and humanizing-thing we do. Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It\\u2019s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It\\u2019s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.\\u201d

Newport and Turtle argue that it is only analog interactions that move the needle in relationship development. \\u201cDigital interactions miss the nuances of face-to-face interactions or voice-to-voice communication Absent are the tone of voice, facial expressions. Conversation is what counts.\\u201d page 154

S - Self-less Service

[re: Junto society of Benjamin Franklin\\u2019s] Franklin structured their meetings around 24 questions. Here are 3 of them:

13. Do you know of any deserving young beginner lately set up, whom it lies in the power of the Junto any way to encourage?

14. Is there any man whose friendship you want, and which the Junto, or any of them, can procure for you?

21. Have you any weighty affair in hand, in which you think the advice of the Junto may be of service?

Noticed how other-centered and service-oriented these questions are.

Franklin\\u2019s initiative in starting the Junto Club also comes out of his self-awareness of his need for relationships.

Results a listener could expect if they implemented my solution

Imagine what our life would be like a year from now if we implemented the T.H.I.S principles (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and self-less service)? Imagine the fulfillment you would find in your transformed relationships.

Also, imagine if we did nothing. If you always do what you\\u2019ve always done, you\\u2019ll always get what you\\u2019ve always gotten.

If we were to engage in our relationships in terms of these 4 qualities, (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and selfless service). The more we exhibit these qualities in our relationships, the more life-giving and fulfilling they will be.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

You were made for T.H.I.S. - Relationships that: transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we selflessly serve other people.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I hope by now you appreciate the importance of relationships. And if that\\u2019s the case for you, shouldn\\u2019t we then make every effort to make them the best they can be?

I suggest starting with looking at the transcendent quality of just one of your relationships. How can you relate more in a way that bears the image of God well? What are some ways you can relate that give people a picture of part of the character of God?

You can do this. I know you can.

Closing

In closing, I hope you\\u2019re convinced by now that we are made for relationships. The T.H.I.S. model we talked about back several years ago in episode 32 is still true today. It\\u2019s a useful tool for helping us find more joy in our relationships as we reflect the character of God.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread around some relational sunshine. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Resources related to this episode

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Digital Minimalism - Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World, by Cal Newport

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

160: Remember the People Who Made Our Life Better

For those of you who have been listeners to this podcast for the last year or so you\\u2019ve heard me talk about an easy-to-understand method of enhancing our relationships. It\\u2019s called the ORA model. Observe - Reflect - Act.

I\\u2019ll have links to a few past episodes if you want to understand ORA in more detail. It\\u2019s easy to understand, but challenging to put into practice. That\\u2019s where listening to this podcast over time will help.

The \\u201cR\\u201d component of ORA - Reflect has a key component within it that also starts with \\u201cR.\\u201d It\\u2019s Remember. An especially timely relationship skill to consider today in light of the holiday we celebrate in the United States the last Monday in May. Memorial Day. Keep listening to learn more about how the act of remembering can enrich your life.

A different kind of Memorial Day

I first talked about our American Memorial Day holiday back in episode 28. And I\\u2019ll be borrowing from it quite heavily in this episode.

In the US, this national holiday began after our Civil War in the 1860s when it was called \\u201cDecoration Day.\\u201d The name comes from the early tradition of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths, and flags.

We now call it Memorial Day. A day to remember those who have died in service to their country. It\\u2019s an important day here in the US, and it happened just a few days ago on May 29 here in 2022.

The last I checked, we have listeners to this podcast in 73 countries, and I know many of them to have similar holidays to honor those who have fallen in service to their country in war. When we remember the people who made our lives better by fighting to protect us, it gives us a greater appreciation of the freedoms we have.

All this got me thinking that I wonder if we could ever have a worldwide Memorial Day to remember the people who made our life better in other ways. In ways more personal to us. Here\\u2019s an example of how someone made my life better that I talked about back in episode 28. It\\u2019s a story about my friend, Ken.

A friend from Brazil uses my snowblower

Story of my missionary friend, Ken
(If you haven\'t listened to the podcast, I\'m sorry but there \'s no transcript available for this 4-minute story.)

My missionary friend Ken made my life better in more ways than just blowing the 6 inches of snow off my driveway. He showed me that to be a helpful caring person you don\\u2019t need to ask, \\u201cHow can I help you?\\u201d Just do something you think would be helpful. If Ken had actually asked me, \\u201cJohn, how can I help you?\\u201d I don\\u2019t think it would have occurred to me to answer with \\u201ccome over and clear our driveway of snow.\\u201d He made my life better by being an example - a role model - of how to care for people. He showed me I could be the same kind of person to others. It\\u2019s not rocket science.

More than this, Ken made my life better by giving me a picture of who Jesus is. Blowing the snow off my driveway is something Jesus would have done. He washed the feet of the twelve apostles at the last supper. He would have cleared my driveway of snow, too.

I bet you can remember people in your life who have made it better. I\\u2019ll give you some examples that I will also have listed in the show notes.

Remember the people in your life who\\u2026

• gave you money when you really needed it
• took the blame for something you did, either as a child or an adult
• believed in you when others didn\\u2019t, or when you didn\\u2019t believe in yourself
• loved you even when you were unlovable
• taught you how to read. Imagine life today if you didn\\u2019t know how to read
• let you off the hook for something you did
• forgave you
• gave you a job when others would not hire you
• was silent when they had every right to chew you out for something you did
• was a role model for you
• told you tough things you needed to hear
• took your side, when everyone else was against you
• listened to you
• set their needs aside to meet your needs
• loved you unconditionally
• let you win an argument, even though they were right and you were wrong
• Brought out the best in you
• chose not to believe the gossip they heard about you
• asked for your help
• gave you hope when you had none yourself
• invited you to dream
• wanted to hear about your kids and grandkids
• rejoiced with you in the things you were rejoicing about
• mourned with you when you were mourning
• let you talk on and on, without ever shifting the spotlight of the conversation onto them
• sat in the crowded back seat of the car so you could sit upfront

Well, that\\u2019s my list of people to remember. I can think of someone in each of these categories. How about you? I\\u2019d like to hear from you about any I\\u2019ve missed that have made a positive difference in your life.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

It is so easy to forget the people who have made our life better.

It takes practice to remember them and there\\u2019s no better time to practice than this time around Memorial Day when we remember those who have made a positive impact on our life.

In taking time to pause and remember the blessings of our relationships, we acknowledge God\\u2019s love for us by sending just the right people, at just the right time, to do just the right thing that we needed.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Remembering the people who made our life better causes us to reflect upon the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It reminds us we can make life better for someone else - even in very small ways - just as others have done for us.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to reflect upon the people who made a positive impact on your life.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\\u2019t forget to spark a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine around. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
002: The Gift of a Background Relationship

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

159: For an Interesting Conversation Listen to a Missionary

Why this topic at this time?

Today\\u2019s episode is in response to a podcast listener by the name of Patty who said she\\u2019d like to hear more interviews with missionaries. I can see why. They are some of the most interesting people around. To talk with a missionary is almost always an interesting conversation.

And more than interesting, whenever we truly hear the story of another person, whether they\\u2019re a missionary or not, it can\\u2019t help but cause us to reflect upon our own story.

For today\\u2019s show, I interviewed two of my friends, Billy and Laura Borkenhagen, to learn from them and their life-changing missionary story.

One thing that\\u2019s different about today\\u2019s episode is that I have a word-for-word transcript of my interview in the show notes. It was done using AI - artificial intelligence software. I have been wanting to experiment with this for a while. And if actual transcripts are something you\\u2019d like to see more of, please let me know.

Okay. Let\\u2019s get on with it.

Interview transcript

John:
So Laura and Billy, tell us a little bit about your journey to becoming missionaries. I mean, you both had pretty great careers and you left all of that to become missionaries in a camping ministry. Laura, why don\'t we start with you first?

Laura:
Sure. So yeah, Billy and I met in college and Billy became an architect and I began working in marketing. We both worked at the Kohler Company for our careers. I even traveled internationally for, a bit of time, which was really fun and fixed up a house. And I, I ran, I started my own photo business and Billy started working downtown in Milwaukee. We had three kids and life was, you know, kind of how I had it planned in my Excel spreadsheet of how I wanted my life to be. Yeah. And so we had taken our family with our three kids up to camp just to attend a winter camp and, just really had a great time. And so the next year we decided to go back and while we were there, I was reading in the dining hall. They have all the missionaries, like a little bio about each one of them and I was reading them. And at the end there was a job posting. I wasn\'t looking for a job, but I just, in that moment, I knew that that was my job. And that kind of just started a journey of us asking questions. And yeah, it was a bit of a story, but we, we ended up both joining as missionaries at, at Fort wilderness. And now we\'re here in the north woods.

John:
Well, tell us a little bit about what camping is at Fort wilderness and what your role is there.

Laura:
Sure. Fort wilderness is a camping ministry it\'s in Northern Wisconsin and it really aims to do, do four things. They get people out in God\'s creation in the outdoors just immersed, in what God\'s created, gives people God\'s word. So at all the different camps and retreats, there\'s always a speaker or, or way for you to hear, hear God\'s word. And then they use adventure programming. So things like horses and water slides and tubing Hills, and swimming and all sorts of adventure things. And then the fourth one is community. And so, so you\'re, you\'re always in Christian community. So it uses those four things and it\'s year round, summer, winter fall. And then there\'s camps for families. There are things just for youth where they get dropped off for, for a week or so there\'s a college age program. And then there\'s adult programs where it\'s like, just adults, like a men\'s retreat or women\'s retreat.

John:
So you\'re doing, you\'re doing your marketing thing, part-time from your home and Billy\'s still working in the Milwaukee area as an architect, correct?

Laura:
Yeah. That\'s how it started. I, I saw this job posting and I said, Hey, would you consider someone working part-time remote because I\'m not moving that was my quote. And funny how, how God, every time I\'ve said I would not do something, I feel like I\'ve done it.

John:
Yeah.

Laura:
Yeah. So the, they were like, well, maybe like why? And I was like, well, I\'m not interested in moving, but oh, I\'d love to like work for Fort. And so they entertained the idea. They\'re like, sure, like think about it, pray about it. So I applied, I interviewed and I became the first ever remote employee. Working from the Milwaukee area while Billy was working in Milwaukee and the plan, I was willing to raise support as a missionary, but they said, well, we\'ve never had anyone working remotely. So they offered me a six month contract where they paid me and they said at six months, if it works out, then we\'ll talk about raising support said, okay. So the six month mark comes and, and COVID had hit. And so I, I was not the only remote employee anymore cuz lots of people were working remote at that point.

Laura:
But the six month mark came and we were up at camp helping out and I was supposed to have this meeting about raising support. But before that meeting Billy\'s boss approached him and said, Hey,, there\'s really no job available, but I really need an architect. And you\'re married to Laura. Like, would you guys consider moving up here and, joining staff. And we were like, um maybe I\'m not sure. And so the short story, they sent us home and said pray about it for the next 30 days. And we said yes, after that 30 days, cuz we really felt, felt the Lord every, there was a hundred instances where we felt like, wow, the Lord is just really showing us and opening this door.

John:
Yeah. And Billy, that was quite a, I mean it was big change for Laura, but, but you actually gave up a pretty great job as an architect. How did, how did that, how did God work in your life to, to do such a thing?

Billy:
Yeah. I really thought that I would retire at HGA cuz it was a really good firm and my opportunity to work there was pretty unique and through one of my college professors, so I had a good job and I liked it. I think the shortest way I can answer that. The short story is that by a combination of the opportunities at Fort wilderness, the special needs that they had and then some things that God was doing, not only in my life, but in Laura\'s life, separately, but at the same time. And each of us made it pretty clear to us that this is something that, we should step into. And that was kind of the answer to the prayer that we got. So that\'s the very short version of that story. I think the longer version is that God had showed me very clearly that we weren\'t in total control of our lives.

Billy:
As much as you think you are, as much as you think the way you live or the job you have or the community you\'re in is giving you some sense of control God had shown us in personal ways that we\'re actually not in control. And so that put our minds in a place where I think we were willing to consider leaving all of the stuff that we\'ve built up over the years and taking a risk of stepping in, into sort of this unknown role and fulfilling this, what was a, a clear need, but an unknown role for us. And so the timing of that sensation with the open doors and the opportunities and all of that is really what compelled us to seriously pray about it and determined this is where God was leading us.

John:
Mm yeah. So it\'s not like you were, you were running away from something that, you know, things are going along pretty well. And, but here is something that was better that God was leading you to.

Billy:
Yeah,Absolutely. I mean, it\'s still to be honest, you know, sometimes at our worst we\'re tempted to think like, man, did we, you know, you get to this point where can\'t go back and you\'re like, did we make a mistake? You know, going forward. And yeah. And I think a lot of that is just the enemy tempting us and trying to, you know, keep us from what God\'s called us into. But yeah, absolutely. It wasn\'t certainly wasn\'t running away. In fact it was quite when we came to Fort wilderness, for me personally, I had a lot of support and encouragement from peers and coworkers and even my own supervisor when I left and broke the news to him that I was, you know, gonna be resigning in the next month and talked to him. He this was God\'s grace.

Billy:
He had offered that, you know, he is like, he\'s like, I, I\'m not gonna ask you to stay and offer you more money cuz I understand why you\'re doing this, he\'s like, but if things don\'t work out in spring and your support raising, isn\'t going well, he\'s like just call me, you know, I could throw some work your way and you could work remotely. Everybody was working remotely at that time. Anyway. So things like that were super helpful and leaving on leaving with good rapport and on good terms is, you know, something you still think about, especially in those moments when you\'re doubting and you know, wondering, and life is seeming more complicated than it probably should be.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Interesting, you know, one definition of a missionary is someone who goes from one culture to another culture to, in some ways spread the good news of Jesus Christ. Now you move from one part of Wisconsin to another part of Wisconsin, but did you notice any cultural differences between where you were living in, in an urban setting compared to ....your smiling ... Um compared to living in the north woods? Tell us about the change in culture.

Laura:
Yeah, yeah. That\'s such a good, good question. You know, I think, I think I know that I downplayed this. I was like, and we\'ve, we\'ve had this whole discussion of what is the definition of a missionary and, and there\\u2019s different ones. You know, at Fort we raise, we raise our support, meaning that our salaries paid to us. We had to talk to our church and friends and family and they support us monthly and that money pays our salary. So you know, that, that was one thought I had and because we were doing that support raising, I was like, yeah, I\'m mean, and there isn\'t really the cultural thing because we\'re in Wisconsin and we\'re still gonna be in Wisconsin. And I, I should have, have thought about that more. It\'s been a drastic cultural change, both from just living in the city to living in the north woods, but also just not being on the corporate world schedule economy.

Laura.:
It\'s been challenging. I think mainly because I downplayed it. It was like, it\'s no, no big deal. We\'re just moving four hours away. It\'s no big deal.... And it, it has been a big deal. Mm. And I, you know, John, you told us, you have a lot of people that listen to your podcasts that are missionaries. And so I don\'t want that to come across as we did something as, as hard as moving to another country. In fact, I\'m saying, wow, this has been a struggle. And we moved four hours and I can\'t imagine someone moved actually to a different our country. Yeah. we, you know didn\'t have language barriers or, or any of, of those things. So I don\'t, I don\'t wanna diminish, I mean yeah. Mm-Hmm, even more strength it must take to, to go to another country.

John:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How about for you, Billy? What, how has the cultural change, affected you or did it,?

Billy:
Yeah, certainly I think, especially cuz we moved from a pretty tight knit community and we had a lot of overlap between our church community and our living community mm-hmm . And so the people that we\'d see and bump into at church on Sunday were also people that we\'d see and bump into, you know, walking around sidewalks and we\'re just kind of doing life together. And that\'s, so it\'s a little, it\'s much more spread out up here just physically and logistically to overlap and to kind of get insights into people\'s lives or invite people into your lives is just logistically more challenging. So that was a, that\'s a big thing. I think that just drives sort of a different culture in the way. Probably that people are just and this is, I don\'t like to make general statements, but are just less accustomed to always being around mm-hmm you and other of people, you know, it\'s just, it\'s just kind of, there\'s a different vibe to it.

Billy:
But I think to add to what Laura was saying one of the challenges, and maybe this is less about culture is just being, feeling unestablished. I think when you go from a place where you feel established or you built a home and a life and you go to another place, whether that\'s 30 minutes away or on the other side of the world, there\'s a part of you. I think that I felt that where we feel like foreigners a little bit, like we\'re not, we, we didn\'t grow up here. You know, we haven\'t, our kids weren\'t raised here. We don\'t have the history, we don\'t know the places. We don\'t know the landmarks, all the, all the things that make you kind of have this sense of home and establishment, we\'re trying to piece together and, you know, get a grip on a little bit. So in that sense, maybe that amplifies the, what we perceive as like a difference in cultures from one to the other. But I think, that\'s a big part of it.

John:
Mm. Yeah. You know, one of those things that, we talk a lot about on the podcast is relationships. Have you noticed any differences in relationships where you\'re living now compared to where you were living, where you came from? Are they, are they different? Are they the same? How has your move affected the relationship between the two of you and, you know, your children, your parents? Has that been affected in any way?

Billy:
Yeah, I think , sometimes there might be the sense that if God\'s calling you to something and you understand that call and you accept that call, that you\'ve arrived and you\'ve, you\'ve kind of done it and accomplished, you know, like the rest of this story is, and they lived happily ever after, you know, and I think that one of the things I\'ve come to recognize, especially with relationships is that God doesn\'t, you know, call the equipped, but that he calls everybody, especially us to come here to grow. And so we\'ve, I think that Laura and I, you know, between the two of us have had growth in our relationship, even in the past weeks. And some of that, I contribute to God, specifically pushing us and growing us in areas together as a married couple. And a lot of it has to do with, you know, that whole being established thing. I think that maybe he hasn\'t let us get too established yet because he does want us to not be too dependent on things. He loves us too much to let us get established in maybe bad routines or things like that. Mm-Hmm so he\'s working on us and you know, would he have done that? Had we not slipped into this fall? I don\'t probably, I don\'t know, but it seems like as we\'re here specifically, you know, making our work, his work, he\'s been pretty intentional in growing us as a married couple.

John:
Mm-Hmm. Yeah.

Laura:
I think yeah, our relationships have, have definitely every single one has changed. One thing we were talking about just tonight was so we had this great community where we lived and with our church and our neighborhood and Bible studies, we were in, like, we just, we had this great, great community. Right. And like, lots of people knew we were Christians, but yet we become a missionary. Right. And, so now all these friends know that we did this big thing and moved, right. And like Billy said, like, somehow you can feel like you\'ve arrived. And, and cuz people would say that to you like, oh, I could never do that, but I\'m so glad you\'re doing it. Like as if we\'re all of sudden somehow elevated, which is just not true, God comes to us in our brokenness. But, the really surprising, you know, the sad change is like, of course, like you don\'t keep in touch as much as you want because we\'re here now.

Laura:
And a lot of our relationships where we lived, like everyone walked places, we only had one car and we almost never used it. Like, so you would just run into people and connect with them. And so that\'s gone, like, you know, you still can text people and call people, but like that daily interaction it\'s not there. And so that, that was a great, great loss, but this beautiful thing that\'s come is people, whether they support us financially or not, we\'ll text us prayer requests. And it\'s like, I used to talk to you every day and you never asked me to pray for you. but now I\'m a missionary. And like, I get the honor of people reaching out and being like, Hey, this is going on. I know you said that we could reach out for prayer you prayed for this. And I was like, wow, like, so that\'s been a beautiful change in, in the relationship. Mm-Hmm. That I wasn\'t expecting to be honest, like I was not expecting that at all. So, yeah.

John:
Cool. And, tell us about your, kids. You got three young kids. What about your relationship with them and their own individual relationships? Can you comment on that?

Laura:
You know, it was, it was a really big change for them too. And, and for context, our kids, when we moved were, seven, five and three, when we moved and, and I thought, you know, yeah, they\'ve got friends, but they\'re super young. You know, they\'re not gonna, I, I didn\'t think it would be a huge deal, but there was a lot of factors. They were in public school, COVID hit. Then they were home. Then we decided to homeschool. Then we decided to become missionaries. And so they had like major change after major change, after, or major change. So I, I think there\'s been highs and lows mm-hmm and I think, I think something God\'s taught me in it is you can plan all you want and pick out, oh, this community is gonna be best for my kids, or this school is gonna be best, or this church home is gonna be best. But at the end of the day, there\'s not one perfect place to raise kids. And it\'s gonna be hard whether we\'re missionaries in the Northwood of Wisconsin or we\'re in this perfect picked out community. Mm-Hmm because we had picked out, you know, where we lived was because of the schools and the church and the community and, and there\'s pros and cons to any place you live. And at the end of the day, you have to put the time into parenting and you\'ve got to rely on the Lord.

John:
Mm-Hmm

Laura:
I think the Lord\'s for sure. Been teaching me that since we\'ve been here.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Were there any surprises when you started, when you moved?

Laura:
Was that a yes, no question? The answer is yes.

John:
. Can you share one ?

Billy:
Yeah, I don\'t want, I don\'t mean this to sound critical or anything. But I think that for some reason, I thought that I worked in the secular world and that the secular world was very secular. And then you come and where I was going to work , you know, is kind of the church and the ministry. And so I had sort of this ideal in my mind about how that would look and function, and honestly you get into it and you start to discover like, oh, wait a minute. There\'s actually like, people are still people even here. And there\'s brokenness mm-hmm and there\'s challenges. And there\'s, you know, places where maturity is needed or places where maturity is really strong. And so one surprises that I found myself in moments, like looking back and thinking like, wow, actually in some ways I found my, my company that I worked for to be, you know, in moments could be more empathetic and in moments could be more concerning about, you know, like work life balance or stuff like that.

Billy:
And, again, I don\'t mean that to sound like a criticism, especially Fort wilderness is an amazing organization. And, you know, I think we\'re super blessed and impressed with it, but there\'s just a, you know, a reckoning of the ideals that we sometimes falsely build up in our mind about how, how ministry is gonna be this perfect place. Everyone\'s gonna be working hand in hand in community. But like, in fact it is work and , it\'s called work for a reason because it is difficult and people aren\'t perfect and we aren\'t perfect. And, but yet by God\'s grace we all, you know, so somehow come together and do something.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Cool. For each of you, what have you found to be some of the more rewarding things about what you do?

Billy:
Do you wanna go,

Laura:
You can go first.

Billy:
Well, I think it\'s really cool being like I\'m, so I\'m a registered architect and I\'m an architect by trade and been doing that for years. And I came from a firm of, you know, there are 110 people in it and like 80 architects, people who think and work like I do. And we, you know, we understand the craft that we come together around to do. So being, being the only architect now has on one hand challenges, because you don\'t have the depth of resources you had and you know, you\'re always kind of comparing yourself to your, your past or your peers, in the industry. But on the other hand it\'s really cool cuz you feel like, man, I really matter here. Like I really like I\'m bringing the skillset that\'s unique and prepared us for it. And I matter in this role and I, I really feel like I belong here. And so I think that\'s been rewarding as we\'ve seen projects come together and as we kind of solidify with our teams and you know, work together really well and actually see stuff get done, it\'s, it\'s kind of a cool feeling. You feel like you really had a big impact on it.

John:
Mm-hmm great.

Laura:
Yeah. And I\'d, I\'d say I think our unique area of ministry of, what Fort does, family camps in general, the people coming are all Christians to the family camp. Like you come to family camp to have a certain experience and you likely wouldn\'t sign up to attend a Christian family camp if you\'re not Christian in general. Right. So, so that part of the ministry people come and they are expecting and willing to talk about deep things because you\'re the missionary staff. And so, you know, I worked years at the Kohler company and had maybe one spiritual top discussion with a colleague because it\'s like taboo in the workplace to talk about anything. Right. Spiritual. Yeah. Yeah. And so if to get on that level with someone took years of working with them and it\'s like, we\'re up here at camp. And like our first summer I\'m like, I just had this incredible conversation and this camper was talking to me about that.

Laura:
Right. And it\'s just like happening all over. And so that was like super encouraging. And then the youth camps and all winter, the youth groups come up all winter and, and so that you\'ve got just all sorts of people. Like they\'re not, not all Christians and they\'re seeking and so yeah, I\'ve just been, just touched the whole, the whole year. And I, I guess maybe it, it, after working corporate world for a long time, I hope that I never lose that this first year joy that every time campers are there, there\'s an opportunity for an incredible conversation. Yeah. yeah. Yeah. You know, and, and the flip side of that, honestly, though, John is like, there are days when I\'m doing my marketing stuff that I just feel like I\'m doing marketing stuff. Right. And, and I think as someone who, this is our first time working in ministry and I, I cringe at that term because you work as a Christian, I think you\'re always working in ministry. You\'re just not always being paid. Right. Like, yeah. So I guess I think, you know, we\'re one year in living up here and, and I\'m still, I\'m still wrestling through, I think a lot of that of am I, am I doing ministry when I\'m plugging away at my computer? Mm-Hmm you know, or is it only when I\'m talking with campers?

Billy:
Yeah.

Laura:
And there\'s a guilt in that right. Of like, and then you have camp is fun. So it\'s like, I never wanna leave because I might miss out on some incredible conversation. And then I\'m like, but wait, like this isn\'t about me. Like God is actually doing the work. So I can go home like, , I can go rest. Right.

Billy:

It\'s a bit of an identity crisis at times, because it\'s like on one hand, I\'m, I\'m a professional who came from the corporate world and I\'m, for me, I\'m an architect and I do architect and we drive projects and I know what to do as an architect. So I\'ve got that title. But on the other hand, I\'m sort of this, I guess, cliche, missionary title too, you know, it\'s like, and so I feel like, like you\'re saying, if I\'m doing my architecture stuff really well, it takes a lot of, you know, time and dedication. And I feel like, okay, I\'m, I\'m being a good architect, but now I\'m not being a good mission area because I\'m not doing ministry with people and you know, and so then it\'s like, all right, now, what is mission? What is ministry then?

Billy:
Is it designing the projects and, you know, making them successful or is it serving lunch with a camper or having the spiritual conversation or preaching, or, you know, where, when I\'m an architect one minute, and the next minute i\'m a missionary and, you know, maybe, you know, why doe it gotta be so complicated? but, but there\'s a bit of that where you feel like you\'re doing one well, and you\'re neglecting the other, or you\'re doing the other well, and you\'re neglecting the first and mm. It\'s kind of a strange gray area. Cause you\'re, yeah. You know, you\'re compared to professionals on one hand, but also this definition of a missionary on the other hand.

John:
Yeah. That was interesting. What have you learned about yourself? You\'ve been there now? What a year and a half, two years, is it

Billy:
Deep questions. You know, I think, I think one thing that I\'ve learned is I didn\'t think that where I lived and the house I had mattered to me as much as it apparently did. I

Billy:
Hmm. You know, and I think that we were talking a little bit earlier about, you know, this idea of being established and all that, and it\'s, it\'s more uncomfortable than I probably thought it would be. You know, I kind of had this idea that I could live. We could live anywhere. You know, we\'re pretty flexible. We\'re nimble all this stuff, but it\'s just weird how these silly thoughts come to you. You like the neighborhood we live in now, demographically is, is much poor, very different, mostly all rentals. Like, so you have, you know, it\'s, it\'s not hard to see that there\'s like a lot of brokenness and the families and things around here. And, you know, in Wauwatosa I think we lived across the street where our next neighbor\'s house was a $600,000 house. And now , I think the house across the street from us is probably worth $60,000, you know?

Billy:
So it\'s like Uh, starkly different. And so you have these dumb thoughts of like, man, my kids, like, what are they gonna grow up understanding of it? You know, like how is this gonna affect them and all this stuff. So I think God has used our living situation to expose idols in our hearts and in his grace has pushed us to deal with those things and to really understand what, you know, what is, what is important. And so I think that\'s a way that I\'ve seen, I know I\'ve been growing in that. I think we\'ve both been growing in that. Mm.

Laura:
Yeah. I think the biggest thing I\'ve learned about myself is that I had a lot of deep rooted pride in, in money and my own achievements. Like, like I went to college and, you know, I was a straight A student. And so then you, you get the job and your paycheck comes and you\'re like, yeah, I deserve that money. In fact, I probably should be paid more because mm-hmm. , I\'ve worked for this and I\'m a hard worker and right. Like it, you can just, I mean, I never said those words out loud, but I definitely thought them in my head. And then the Lord leads us to this thing that we have to raise support. Right. And every time, so how it works when we get a paycheck, every paycheck there, we get a sheet in it with all these names and the amount that that person gave in that two week pay period.

Laura:
Mm. And it\'s really hard to be prideful when you get a sheet like that every week. And you\'re like, no, like the reason I get to do this work is because all these people believed that this ministry was worth it and believed that Billy and I were being called to it and are willing to give the funds so that, so I can get paid. And every time I open those little envelopes, I\'m like, oh, it\'s not about me. Like it, like, I just it\'s. I mean, we\'ve been getting them for a year. Like, and I still can just feel like I need that reminder every two weeks to not be prideful. And I\'m like, wow, I had a way bigger pride issue than I thought I had.

John:
Mm-Hmm.

Laura:
Like, like, okay, like, you know, and so it gets back to this like dual purpose. It\'s like, has the Lord called us here because we\'re, we have skill sets and we have something to offer that Fort needs. Yes. But has he equally called us here because he\'s working in us and, and through us, like, because we\'re broken sinful people, like yes. Like both those things are true.

Billy:
Yeah.

Laura:
And, I think that\'s a good place to be, to have both those being true.

John:
Yeah. What advice would you have for someone who is where you were a year and a half, two years ago? What advice would you have for someone who would be considering leaving a secular job to be, to become a missionary?

Billy:
I would say that if, if God is really calling you to that, then you can\'t go wrong and he, he\'s not calling you because you\'re equipped and you may, and you may be, and maybe you have a skillset to offer, but it\'s like, Laura was just saying, he\'s calling you to equip you. He will equip you. And in ways that are far reaching beyond the actual work that he\'s calling you to do, mm-hmm,, he\'s deeply concerned with you. He\'s deeply concerned with the condition of your heart and he loves you. And that\'s why he\'s calling you into it. So if he\'s, yeah, if you, if he\'s calling you then do it, but it doesn\'t mean that the rest of the story is, and they lived happily ever after mm-hmm

John:
Yes.

Billy:
He calls us to grow us.

Laura:
Yeah. I\'d echo that. And, and I would also say if you feel the Lord\'s leading, you, you know, you need to get on your hands and knees and, and make sure that he\'s, he\'s the one leading that it\'s not something in your own mind. And, and I think you do that in prayer. I think you do that in, in his word, you do that by reaching out to, to some really trusted friends, which, you know, John, that, we did that when we were in our, our discernment time period. And for us, all three of those areas in our individual prayer in our time spent in the word and the trusted friends we met with all three pointed to, to going. And at that point we said, yes, we didn\'t, we didn\'t ask about the money. Or we were like, well, we can\'t say no. Now, like, if God has said yes, in all three of those areas, like, I mean, that that\'s, I that\'s how we discerned our decision. And so I, I put that time in that discernment process, for sure.

John:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, this has been great. It\'s getting going longer than I told you it would go. So I appreciate your appreciate your time. If people wanted to find out more about Fort wilderness, how could they do that? What\'s the website and all of that. And I\'ll have it in the show notes too.

Laura:
Yeah. So it\'s, it\'s fortwilderness.com. It\'s a new website that I had the privilege of working on. So thanks for asking about that, John.

John:
That\'s right. I forgot. Yeah. That\'s a great website.

Laura:
That\'s been my big work for the last like eight months. It\'s not perfect, but, but we did launch the new website and you can find out about the ministry there. You can see the missionaries that are serving there and many are still raising support. Yeah. And you can, you can get in touch with us. We love praying for people and getting to know people so, yeah, that\'d be great.

John:
Mm-Hmm. Good. Well, thanks again. We love you guys and we, we miss you, but we\'re just really, really excited to see how God is using you for his glory in Northern Wisconsin and all the people that come from all over to learn more about Jesus and you are important parts of that ministry, important parts of facilitating that kind of activity and advancing God\'s kingdom. So we applaud what you do, that\'s for sure. So again, thanks for your time. And we will stay in touch.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Some of the questions I asked Billy and Laura I found helpful for all of us to ask ourselves

• How has God led us to what we are doing now?
• How are relationships impacting our lives?
• What are the rewarding things about our jobs, or if we\\u2019re not employed, what\\u2019s rewarding in the ways we spend our time?
• What have we learned about ourselves in the last year or two?
• Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Taking the time to listen to a missionary, to hear their story of how God has led them and is growing them, can inspire us to listen more deeply to God so that we can grow too.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to think about how you can listen to a missionary, or even your friends, to hear their story of how they got to where they are today.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine. And I\\u2019ll see you next time.

To check out Fort Wilderness, go to fortwilderness.com

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1
144: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 2

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

158: Whats On Your Mind?

My wife Janet and I have been meeting on and off with a church group of small group leaders. We began meeting just as the Covid pandemic was getting underway in 2020, so our meetings have been more off than on. In a more recent meeting, the group wanted to talk about how can we get people to open up and talk about deeper things going on in their lives?

I suggested one question they could ask that I found works in getting people to talk more openly about what\\u2019s going on within them. It\\u2019s a question that works equally well in small groups or in a one-on-one conversation. It\\u2019s a good listening tool, and is the subject of today\\u2019s episode

A good listening tool

The question I suggested is this: What\\u2019s on your mind lately? I don\\u2019t want to say a lot about this question right now, because I plan to talk in another episode about the back story to this simple question and why it is so effective in getting people to open up.

Instead, for our time together today, I want to show how the what\\u2019s been on your mind? question works. Asking this question usually draws people out to share the deeper things going on in their lives, rather than simply talking about the past week\\u2019s news as so often happens.

While the question is effective in groups and in individual conversations, it also works when we answer the question alone by ourself. It serves to give clarity to what we\\u2019re experiencing, and a measure of peace as we organize our thoughts and feelings. It\\u2019s like reorganizing what\\u2019s in our kitchen cabinets for easier access.

To demonstrate, I\\u2019m going to answer myself the question, what\\u2019s on your mind? I encourage you to do the same thing but to write your answers down. That\\u2019s what I\\u2019ve done. Bullet points or short phrases will do just fine.

A Facebook Memory

To get started, here\\u2019s one thing that\\u2019s on my mind.\\xa0A Facebook memory I wrote 9 years ago popped up on my computer screen early this morning. Here\\u2019s what I said back then:

\\u201cWatching 3 of the grands for a few days. Getting off the bus this afternoon they ran into the house, talking all at once about the fun things they did at school today. Their joy was like the brief moments of sunshine we\\u2019ve had in our otherwise cold, drab, and rainy week. We don\\u2019t need to turn on the lights. They are enough.\\u201d

Then this morning I added a Facebook comment to my memory from 2013:

The weather\'s the same today and so are they. Only difference is they\'re old enough to drive the bus.

What\\u2019s on my mind is how remarkable it is that they still light up my life after the various stages of development each of them has gone through these past nine years. Janet and I have enjoyed every stage of their still-young lives.

We still don\\u2019t need to turn on the lights when they come over. Their light is still enough. We are so blessed that they still want to spend time with us.

Answer no. 2 to What\\u2019s on your mind?

Another thing on my mind is these two people, Graham Zale and Ford Schilz. Who are they, you wonder? US Ambassador to Argentina? Pitcher for the New York Yankees? President of IBM? Not yet. Not yet.

Graham Zale and Ford Schilz are both babies born to two of my nieces on the same day this year, April 2, 2022. I\\u2019m proud of my nieces and their husbands for giving their children, bold strong names that will serve them well into their 80s after they\\u2019ve made their mark in the world. And I\\u2019m so happy these boys held off their birth to April 2nd. Imagine the challenge they would have faced had they been born one day earlier. Yikes! They certainly dodged a bullet.

So here\\u2019s to you, Graham Damion Zale and Ford Wyatt Schilz. May you live strong, productive lives in keeping with your names. May your lives finish as well as they\\u2019ve started.

Third item on my What\\u2019s on your mind? list

The next thing that\'s been on my mind is an email I received the other day from Billy, one of my missionary friends. He writes:

Good Morning, John and Janet!
I wanted to share this picture with you \\u2013 it\\u2019s a picture of Will [their 7-year-old son] intently listening to episode #153 of You Were Made for This.

He and I both learned to have the \\u2018ORA\\u2019 of God\\u2019s character recognizing and fulfilling others\\u2019 needs. A message we needed to hear this morning. God Bless you both, we miss you.

The \\u201cORA\\u201d Billy referred to is Observe-Reflect-Act, that model of relating we\\u2019ve been talking about in this podcast.

The photo Billy sent is the one at the top of the show notes for this episode. I talked to Billy about this later and he said his son was glued to the screen of their iPad for the full 10-11 minute length of the episode, listening to my voice speak about what some people in Poland and Romania are doing to care for refugees from Ukraine.

Photos tell a story

The two photos I showed in the show notes for that episode apparently got his attention: the baby strollers at the train station in Poland and the colorful stuffed toy animals on that grey bridge at the Ukraine/Romania border. What a tender heart that little boy has, I thought, when I first saw the photo of him.

Billy\\u2019s email and photo of Will are still on my mind, making me think how sometimes we sell our children short. That they are capable of more than we give them credit for. Most 7-year-olds are not as sensitive as Will. But they are capable of being so. They can learn to reflect the character of God in their own unique way, just as their parents can. Parents can teach them by being examples themselves.

An encouraging email from a missionary parent

I can also answer the what\\u2019s on your mind question by talking about an email I got from another listener to our podcast that is similar to the one I received from my friend Billy. It comes from a listener in Iowa who happens to be the parent of a missionary serving in eastern Europe. She writes:

Hi John,
I shared your podcast from last Wednesday with the wife of the man who leads our small group at The Mission Church.\\xa0 She leads a girls Bible study at a ministry in Des Moines called Freedom for Youth.\\xa0 It is a wonderful ministry (you can google it) to help kids succeed in life.

They have help for kids with school work, teach some trade skills and encourage kids of all ages.\\xa0 She enjoyed your podcast and is using some of the ideas with her girls tonight.\\xa0 Thought you might like to know.

I found this email encouraging on two levels. One is that this Iowa listener thought enough of the podcast to refer it to her friend with the kids\\u2019 ministry. And secondly, that her friend is using some of the things we talk about on the podcast with the girls she works with.

I so appreciate that some people recognize teaching children about relationship principles is important. Encouraging emails like these last two have been on my mind lately, and I am grateful for them.

Listening is a relational journey

Something else on my mind I\\u2019ve been thinking about is a comment another listener shared with me recently. It was the day Episode 154 aired, \\u201cHow to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.\\u201d In his email he writes,

John,

Thank you again so very much for these podcasts!\\xa0\\xa0Even though I don\'t often respond, I want to say that Karen and I listen regularly to these podcasts.\\xa0 They are such gentle, weekly reminders of one powerful truth that I know I need to be reminded of regularly... to LISTEN!

Our pastor said at Mia\'s funeral\\u2026

I need to stop here for a second. Mia is his granddaughter who was stillborn a few months ago. I talk about it in episode 148, \\u201cWhat Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People,\\u201d

Back to my friend\\u2019s email. He continues,

Our pastor said at Mia\'s funeral that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a journey to be traveled.

That\'s what I think about listening... it is not a one-and-done practice to conquer... it is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime.

Thanks, John, for this weekly reminder of such a critical part of our relational journey with others!

I love that phrase, listening is not a one-and-done practice to conquer. It is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime.\\xa0That thought has been on my mind lately because it gives hope to those of us who struggle with listening.

You can listen to a podcast while doing something else

There are other things I\\u2019ve been thinking about and are on my mind, but I\\u2019ll end with just one more. It comes from a listener who emailed me with this thought after listening to a recent episode,

I listened this morning while folding laundry - always encouraging and your soothing voice is a great start to the day!

Well, that just made me smile picturing her folding laundry while listening to the podcast. That\\u2019s the wonderful thing about podcasts I\\u2019ve talked about before. You can be doing other things while you listen. Walk the dog, wait in line to pick your kids up from school, drive to work, wait in line at the grocery store, and\\u2026 while you\\u2019re folding laundry. All things you can do while listening to a podcast.

If you\\u2019re doing brain surgery, however, save the podcast til later. Or watch one of those how-to YouTube videos instead.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Several things, first, what is on your mind? What have you been thinking about lately? What are the things keeping you up at night? Is there anything you wonder about? The challenges or stresses you are facing. The things you\\u2019re grateful for. What are you looking forward to?

Don\\u2019t dig into your psyche, instead consider top-of-mind issues. Then write them down. You just need to get your thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper.

In looking at my answers, I see a lot of positive things that have been on my mind. That\\u2019s often not the case, but when it is I feel blessed. I hope you\\u2019ll feel the same way when you give your answers to what\\u2019s on your mind?

Secondly, try asking people in your life, this same question and see what happens. Start conversations with it and see where it takes you. My hunch is what\\u2019s on your mind? will take you both deeper than just sharing about the events that have happened since you last talked.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Asking people in a group, or individually, \\u201cwhat\\u2019s on your mind,\\u201d helps others go deeper than sharing news of the superficial events in our life.

I\\u2019d love to hear how this goes for you.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about asking people what\\u2019s on their mind.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for us. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet this week. Create some joy. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

153: Two Stories of How to Reflect the Character of God

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

157: Add This Book to Your Summer Reading List

Get ready for summer

Some magazines and newspaper articles will soon be writing pieces about the top ten, or top five, books to put on your summer reading list. I\\u2019m not going to put out a list, but I do have a recommendation of one book that I\\u2019m pretty sure you will enjoy.

It\\u2019s a non-fiction book that reads like a novel. I found it to be well-written, entertaining, and something that taught me a few things to increase my relationship skills. I\\u2019m going to talk about the book in today\\u2019s episode because I think you\\u2019re going to find it helpful, too. So keep listening. You\\u2019re going to like this one.

Never Split the Difference - Negotiating as if your life depended on it

[NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Caring for Others, sponsor of this podcast, earns a small commission from qualifying purchases.]

The book I\\u2019m referring to and reviewing is in some ways a follow-up to episode 154 of this podcast, \\u201cHow to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.\\u201d

The name of the book is Never Split the Difference, with the subtitle Negotiating as if your life depended on it. It\\u2019s by Chris Voss a former hostage negotiator with the FBI. Now at first glance, you might think a book about hostage negotiation as something not terribly interesting. Becoming a hostage negotiator may not be one of your five-year goals. You\\u2019re probably not going to suggest it as a career for your children.

This book is so much more than that. I first came across the book when I heard the author on a podcast I listened to. The stories he told from his experience in negotiating the release of hostages were fascinating. He got me hooked, so I read his book, Never Split the Difference. I recommend you put it on your summer reading list.

Amazon Reviews

For this review, I looked on Amazon to see what others who read the book thought of it. At the time I checked, Never Split the Difference had over 23,000 reviews and was number 19 on Amazon\'s bestseller list. 94% of the ratings were either 4 or 5 stars.

The few negative reviews either complained about a printing problem with pages being cut off or blank pages. The other complaint was some readers thought the author was too egotistical and self-promoting. I get that and see a little of it more in the beginning of the book. I\\u2019m usually sensitive to this kind of thing, but frankly, it didn\\u2019t bother me in the least, especially as I got into the book and saw the compassion he had on occasion for people.

Other reviews said there were too many stories of negotiating sessions he was involved in and that the book doesn\\u2019t have much to offer for the rest of us. My perspective, however, is just the opposite. I actually loved the stories because they were well-written, first of all, and secondly, they all illustrated principles of human interaction.

The 94% who gave it a 4 or 5-star rating had good reason to do so. The rest of this review is my reasons for recommending you put the book on your summer reading list.

Who the book is for

If you like stories of good guys going after bad guys you\\u2019ll like this book for that reason alone. You\\u2019ll also like it if you\\u2019re involved in sales or running a business, as I was for 25 years. There are many strategies the author used in hostage negotiation that are applicable in the business world.

If you\\u2019re a parent or interact with other people, you\\u2019ll find this book helpful. If you plan to ask your boss for a raise, you\\u2019ll find a few useful suggestions in the book. When you\\u2019re selling or buying stuff at a garage/rummage/yard sale this book will save you money.

Furthermore, and this is most interesting and another reason to put this book on your summer reading list. We have a number of missionaries who listen to this podcast, and if you\\u2019re one of them, especially if you serve in a part of the world where hostage-taking is not unusual you would do well to read Never Split the Difference.

The author was deeply involved in the negotiations to secure the release of New Tribes missionaries Martin and Gracia Burnham held hostage by a radical Islamist group in 2001. He comments at length on what went wrong and calls it the \\u201cbiggest failure in my professional life.\\u201d He talks about it in the first few pages of Chapter 7. It\\u2019s a tragic story that didn\\u2019t have to end the way it did.

Finally, if you hate conflict, this book is a must-read. Especially the last chapter. There\\u2019s really good stuff here that you won\\u2019t find in most other books on dealing with conflict.

Structure of the book

The paperback version I have is 258 pages in length, which includes a helpful appendix. A footnotes section and index follow. The table of contents lists ten chapters, with a brief phrase that describes each chapter.

One of the helpful things about how the book is structured is that except for the first one, each chapter ends with a section he calls \\u201cKey Lessons.\\u201d It reviews and summarizes the main points the author is trying to get across. I wouldn\\u2019t recommend reading only this section, as you\\u2019ll miss the stories the author uses to illustrate each of the key concepts. The book is an easy read for your summer reading list and it won\\u2019t take long to get through it.

The premise of the book

The experiences the author shares in hostage negotiations are all interesting and engaging. And there\\u2019s a heavy dose of that. But more than this, I enjoyed and learned from how he related to people so very different from the kind of people you and I interact with. Reading the book will raise the relational intelligence level of most readers.

I\\u2019ve been a student of listening for many years and I learned principles and techniques of listening I have not come across anywhere else. In fact, if I were to teach a college course on listening, this book would be required reading in my syllabus. While I\\u2019m waiting for the teaching offers to pour in, I\\u2019m content for now to just recommend you put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list.

Passages from the book that grabbed me

I\\u2019ll start by sharing some passages from the book that grabbed me, because I think they will grab you, too.

One line from the book that I won\\u2019t soon forget is this question,

\\u201cHow am I supposed to do that?\\u201d

You can use it when buying a car and the salesman wants you to pay more than you want to pay. I used it when I sold a car for my son when the buyer wanted to pay less than what my son wanted to sell it for. It worked!

Our daughter used the same line when she and her husband sold a house they had rehabbed. \\u201cHow am I supposed to sell the house for X, when we\\u2019ve already put in Y thousands of dollars to fix it up?\\u201d It worked for them, too. The author goes into the psychology of why this one question is so effective. I won\\u2019t go into it here. It\\u2019s another reason to put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list.

The author suggests several other questions in chapter 7 to ask that would be helpful for the parties involved in dealing with marital issues, parenting, and differences between friends, neighbors, and co-workers. I will list them in the show notes, but for now, here they are:

• What about this is important to you?
• How can I help make this better for us?
• How would you like me to proceed?
• What is it that brought us into this situation?
• How can we solve this problem?
• What is the objective?/What are we trying to accomplish here?

People who lie to us

Following this, in chapter 8, author Chris Voss cites a Harvard University study showing that \\u201con average, liars use more words than truth-tellers and far more third-person pronouns. They start talking about him, her, it. one, they, and their rather than I, in order to put some distance between themselves and the lie.\\u201d

Throughout the book, the author sprinkles in results of various research studies that show me he\\u2019s not just shooting from the hip in presenting his arguments.

\\u201cMy name is Chris\\u201d

Also in chapter 8 is an interesting relational technique I\\u2019m going to try sometime. The author writes:

\\u201cA few years ago I was in a bar in Kansas with a bunch of fellow FBI negotiators. The bar was packed, but I saw one empty chair. I moved toward it but just as I got ready to sit the guy next to it said, \\u2018Don\\u2019t even think about it.\\u201d

\\u201cWhy? I asked, and he said, \\u201cBecause I\\u2019ll kick your \\u2026. [I\\u2019ll stop and let you figure out what part of the anatomy the guy was going to kick].\\u201d Back to the author\\u2019s story.

\\u201cHe was big, burly, and already drunk, but look, I\\u2019m a lifelong hostage negotiator - I gravitate toward tense situations that need mediation like a moth to the flame.

\\u201cI held out my hand to shake his and said, \\u2018My name is Chris.\\u2019

\\u201cThe dude froze. and in the pause my fellow FBI guys moved in, patted him on the shoulders, and offered to buy him a drink. Turned out he was a Vietnam veteran at a particularly low point. He was in a packed bar where the entire world seemed to be celebrating. The only thing he could think of was to fight. But as soon as I became \\u2018Chris,\\u2019 everything changed.

I just love this story of how he diffused the guy\\u2019s anger, and how once he knew more of the man\\u2019s story he viewed him with compassion. It\'s another reason to put the book on your summer reading list. I\\u2019ve learned over the years that when I see an angry person, there\\u2019s usually a hurt, sad, or fearful person underneath the angry exterior.

The Chris discount

The author goes on to tell another story right after the bar incident. He was in a shopping mall and picked out some shirts he wanted to buy. The checkout clerk asked him if he wanted to join their frequent buyer program.

\\u201cI asked her if I got a discount for joining and she said, \\u2018No.\\u2019

\\u201cSo I decided to try another angle. I said in a friendly manner, \\u2018My name is Chris. What is the Chris discount?\\u2019

\\u201cShe looked from the register, met my eyes, and gave a little laugh.

\\u2018I\\u2019ll have to ask my manager, Kathy,\\u2019 she said and turned to the woman who\\u2019d been standing next to her.

\\u201cKathy, who\\u2019d heard the whole exchange, said \\u2018The best I can do is ten percent.\\u2019

\\u201cHumanize yourself. Use your name to introduce yourself. Say it in a fun, friendly way. Let them enjoy the interaction, too. And get your own special price.\\u201d I love this guy\\u2019s approach. I wish this guy was a neighbor.

This second story Chris Voss shared certainly humanizes himself for me. It\\u2019s a great example of what I\\u2019ve been saying lately at the end of each episode, spread a little relational sunshine this week. Use a little humor. Lighten things up in our relationships. Make people smile every now and then.

Bargaining

In chapter 9 he tells two stories of how what he learned in hostage negotiation that helped him buy a car that listed for $36,000. He got the dealership to sell it to him for $30,000. He also shared a story of one of his MBA students negotiating a rent decrease after it had just gone up.

The Author says this about negotiating that applies to any relationship, \\u201cIt\\u2019s not how well you speak, but how well you listen that determines your success.\\u201d

For me, the most inspiring part of the book comes near the end, in chapter 10:

\\u201cEvery engineer, every executive, every child - all of us want to believe we are capable of the extraordinary. As children, our daydreams feature ourselves as primary players in great moments: an actor winning an Oscar, an athlete hitting the game-winning shot. As we grow older, however, our parents, teachers, and friends talk more of what we can\\u2019t and shouldn\\u2019t do than what is possible. We begin to lose faith.

A map to joy

\\u201cBut when someone displays a passion for what we\\u2019ve always wanted and conveys a purposeful plan of how to get there, we allow our perceptions of what\\u2019s possible to change. We\\u2019re all hungry for a map to joy, and when someone is courageous enough to draw it for us, we naturally follow.\\u201d

What he says here so reminds me of a text I received a few months ago, completely out of the blue, from a former student of mine decades ago when I was a teacher. Geraldine has stayed in touch with Janet and me over the years and wrote the following:

Hi John! I hope this finds you and Janet happy and healthy! I just want to let you know how you inspired my life. I would not be a nurse without you. You told me so many years ago that I was smart enough to go to college. I have touched so many lives because of you. Thank you for that! Sincerely, Geraldine

This brought tears to my eyes. Without even knowing it I drew a \\u201cmap to joy\\u201d for her so long ago. I bet many of you have done the same thing for others, too. It\\u2019s such a great privilege to do so.

Conflict

Back to the author. He writes:

\\u201cIf this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets you over the fear of conflict and encourages you to navigate it with empathy. If you\\u2019re going to be great at anything - a great negotiator, a great manager, a great husband, a great wife - you\\u2019re going to have to do that. You\\u2019re going to have to ignore that little genie who\\u2019s telling you to give up, to just get along - as well as that other genie who\\u2019s telling you to lash out and yell.\\u201d

And finally, the last few lines near the end of the book read as follows:

\\u201c\\u2026 I\\u2019m going to leave you with one request: Whether it\\u2019s in the office or around the family dinner table, don\\u2019t avoid honest, clear conflict. It will get you the best car price, the higher salary, and the largest donation. It will also save your marriage, your friendship, and your family.

\\u201cOne can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great person by both listening and speaking clearly and empathically; treating counterparts - and oneself - with dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can - and cannot - do. Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life is a series of small conflicts, that managed well, can rise to creative beauty.

\\u201cEmbrace them.\\u201d

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Are you creating a map for joy for anyone? Has anyone done it for you? If so, thank them, even if it\\u2019s decades later, like Geraldine did for me.

Finally, and I hope this is obvious by now, put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list. If you buy it from Amazon, please use the link I have at the bottom of the show notes. This will generate a very small commission for our missionary Care ministry, Caring for Others. The book won\\u2019t cost you any more.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Reading Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss will raise your level of relational intelligence in an entertaining way. It will increase your relationship skills and bring more joy into your life.

Please let me know what you think about today\\u2019s episode. I\\u2019d love to hear from you.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to get the book Never Split the Difference and put into practice some of the things you heard today.

It will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s about it for today. Be sure to check out the links at the bottom of the show notes. And remember to spread a little relational sunshine with the people you met this week. Oh, and don\\u2019t forget to ask for the \\u201cJohn discount.\\u201d That\\u2019s \\u201cJohn with an h.\\u201d Let me know how that works for you.

Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes/resources you may want to check out

154: How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?-

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Caring for Others earns a small commission from qualifying purchases.

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

156: Our Roots Bring Stability to Life

Maybe it\\u2019s just me, but it seems like our world is getting more and more unhinged as the days and months go by. I lived through the \\u201860s and early \\u201970s during the Vietnam War, a really unstable time in our history. This era saw the assassination of a US president, the slaying of a presidential candidate, and the murder of the greatest civil rights leader of our time. And to top it off, the leader of the free world was forced out of office because of a scandal he created. Pretty rocky times.

There followed a period of relative peace, but ever since the current decade started in 2020, things are becoming more and more unstable and are reminding me of those tumultuous years I lived through earlier in my life. And I don\\u2019t like it. I bet you don\\u2019t either.

How then are we to cope and live well during times like this? Today\\u2019s episode tries to answer this question.

I\\u2019ll begin with a story.

Bulbs that bloom in the spring

Earlier this spring, our daughter sent me some paperwhite narcissus bulbs for my birthday. To grow them you place the bulbs in a shallow bowl of pebbles, propping them up as best you can with small stones, and then add water to the bowl. The roots on the bottom of the bulbs will draw from the water to grow. It\\u2019s that simple. When they are fully grown their tall spindly branches bloom fragile fragrant white blossoms. They\\u2019re beautiful.

I\\u2019ve grown paperwhites before so I knew what to do, but when I placed these particular bulbs in among the pebbles they were all wobbly and it took some effort to get them situated upright. When they looked as best as I could get them, I added water, set the planter aside, and forgot about them.

The wobbly state of the bulbs reminded me of that famous quote from Margaret Thatcher. It was August of 1990 when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and President George H. W. Bush, was considering how the US should respond.

Wisdom from the Margret Thatcher, the \\u201cIron Lady\\u201d

The former British Prime minister advised President Bush with this famous line,

\\u201cRemember George, this is no time to go wobbly.\\u201d

Back to my story about the paperwhites.

A few days later after adding water to the bowl of bulbs I went to check on them. I thought I might have to straighten them upright again. To my surprise, the bulbs had stabilized themselves and were perfectly straight. I tried to gently move one of them, but it was firmly positioned on top of the stones. It wouldn\\u2019t budge. I don\\u2019t know why I would have expected anything different because I\\u2019ve grown this type of bulb before.

If you\\u2019re not familiar with paperwhites you might wonder, how did they stabilize themselves? The answer is found in the roots. Once water was added to the bowl, just enough to cover the bottom of the bulbs, the tiny roots took over. They begin to seek out the water in the crevices between the pebbles in the bowl, and in doing so, the roots grow longer and longer. They wind themselves around the stones and go deeper into the water, all of which secures the bulb on top of the pebbles.

What was once wobbly becomes firm, stable, and sure. And the plant begins to grow straight and tall, becoming what it was designed to be. All because of the roots.

And just as the original wobbly nature of the bulbs when I first placed them in the bowl of pebbles reminded me of that Margaret Thatcher, \\u201cthis is no time to go wobbly\\u201d quote, the roots reminded me of another quote. It\\u2019s from the Bible in the Book of Colossians, chapter 4:

God\\u2019s answer to our problem

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Now that the paperwhites are growing, I look at them frequently. No blossoms yet as of this recording. But they will come. I\\u2019m actually more intrigued at the moment by the roots and the work they are doing to make the plants grow. They so remind me of what the Bible says about letting our own roots grow down into Jesus.

The roots of the paperwhites are largely unseen. They have to wind themselves around the significant obstacles of stones to find that which keeps them alive - water. So it is with our relationship with Jesus. The roots of our individual faith are not obvious to others. They are the internal beliefs, convictions, and values we hold that manifest themself in the face of formidable forces impacting our life.

How it works

If we let the roots of our faith in Jesus grow down deep into him they will give us life and keep us stable in our increasingly unstable world. When the culture cancels us, when we lose our job, when we get a cancer diagnosis, our roots will keep us upright and stable.

When our church marginalizes us, when our spouse betrays us, our roots in Jesus, our deep roots, will keep us alive and even grow us.

A stock market decline and our kids getting in trouble will not upend us if we\\u2019ve let our roots go down deep into Jesus. When we see the atrocities of the war in Ukraine on our screens day after day, our roots in Jesus will guide us in responding to this evil.

When our car breaks down and we have no money to fix it our roots of faith and trust in Jesus will not send us off the edge.

As the unintended consequences of public policy related to Covid begin to rise to the surface, our roots sunk down into Jesus will help us respond to the fractures in our culture that are separating us from each other in destructive ways.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

There\\u2019s certainly a lot to be wobbly about with all that\\u2019s going on in our world. Are you coping the best you can with your own resources? Or are you sinking your roots down into Jesus to depend upon Him for the peace, and stability we all desire?

When all manner of obstacles to our peace comes against us, it\\u2019s not the time to go wobbly.

Pay attention to our roots in Jesus. Trust them. Draw strength and wisdom from them. Nurture their deepening growth.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

It\\u2019s from Colossians 4:6-7, which I will quote again here

And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Let me know what you think about all this. I\\u2019d love to hear from you.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to think about how you can let your roots go down into Jesus. Doing this will draw you closer to God. It\\u2019s what you were made for. You were made for this!

And while you\\u2019re doing this, spread a little relational sunshine around this week. It will spark joy in you and the people you meet.

That\\u2019s it for today. I\\u2019ll see you again soon next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

111: How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances

058: How a Crisis Can Bring Out the Best in Us

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

155: How to Find Joy No Matter What

My mother the queen

A few years ago, I had a conversation with our twin grandsons about Queen Elizabeth II of England being the longest-ruling monarch in British history. I mentioned that her son, Prince Charles, will become king when she dies. She\\u2019s been on the throne for over 70 years, and he just turned 96 last week.

The boys wanted to know how old Charles is, so when I told them he is just a few months older than me they responded with, \\u201cWHOA! That\\u2019s not right. The queen should resign and give Charles a chance. It should be his turn now. He\\u2019s waited way too long to become king!\\u201c

I see in Prince Charles a person who represents a lot of us who have aspirations for our lives that are blocked by circumstances beyond our control. How we respond in situations like this will determine how much joy we\\u2019ll experience in life. It\\u2019s an important topic and the subject of today\\u2019s episode, how to find joy no matter what.

Obstacles out of our control

Some of us can identify with Prince Charles when we\\u2019ve been blocked from getting a job we want because someone else has that position and isn\\u2019t moving on anytime soon. I saw that all the time during my time running an executive reciting firm. It was a common reason for people to leave one company to join another where their advancement potential was unhindered.

Sometimes though, people wanted to leave a job they didn\\u2019t care for, but couldn\\u2019t. There may not have been openings with other companies that would pay them what they were currently earning. They may have needed the insurance their current employer offered that others didn\\u2019t. It was easy to feel trapped in situations like these. To find joy in circumstances like these is a challenge, for sure.

And it\\u2019s not just in job situations where it\\u2019s hard to find joy when we don\\u2019t have what we want. There are many other things out of our control that can keep us from our achieving our goals and dreams. I don\\u2019t need to give you examples. You know what I\\u2019m talking about.

So what do we do about it?

How to cope with difficult circumstances

Some people choose to live as victims. Others live a life of resignation devoid of joy. Still others scratch and crawl around the edges of reality trying to change the unchangeable.

But then there are others who actually find joy in the difficult circumstances they find themselves in. How do they do it?

Here\\u2019s how: They follow the example of the apostle Paul which we find in his letter to the Philippines, chapter 4. Here\\u2019s what he wrote:

\\u201c\\u2026 for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.\\u201d

The last part of this verse is so often misapplied as a motivational pep talk to achieve ambitious goals of one kind or another. It\\u2019s viewed sometimes as the \\u201cAmerican Dream\\u201d verse that if we work hard enough we can achieve just about anything. But that\\u2019s not the context of this passage.

A new perspective on old circumstances

The context is being strengthened by Jesus to live with contentment in the midst of current difficult circumstances. It\\u2019s not about changing those circumstances by trying harder and better.

In this passage, I like how Paul describes this important principle as a \\u201csecret.\\u201d It\\u2019s not something he is trying to hide from anyone. It\\u2019s just that the secret is found in his relationship with Jesus Christ. And not everyone is interested in Jesus. He\\u2019s the last place some people would look to find joy in difficult situations.

But Jesus is where Paul gets his strength to be content in whatever circumstance he is in, and this is where he finds joy. And where we can find it too.

In challenging circumstances, we often overlook the power of relationships as a source of joy. Here\\u2019s an example from my recruiting days.

Relationships make bad things better

I had recruited a high-quality computer guy for a client of mine. I\\u2019ll call him Joe, I don\\u2019t recall his actual name, but for the purpose of my story, I\\u2019ll call him Joe. Joe is my brother\\u2019s name.

Anyway, in vetting Joe for my client\\u2019s opening, I grilled him about what why he would consider leaving his current employer. He gave me all kinds of reasons why he didn\\u2019t find joy in his job.

As I did with every candidate, I asked what an ideal job would look like for him. Based on what Joe desired in a new job, and his reasons for wanting to leave his current position, I thought he was a good match for my client\\u2019s opening. So I arranged an interview for Joe. The company thought he was a good fit and better than other candidates they interviewed, so they made him an attractive job offer.

I presented the offer to Joe, and he was really pleased. I don\\u2019t recall all the details, but he was happy to get the offer because he was so dissatisfied with his current position and its lack of advancement potential. It reminds me of Prince Charles who is prevented from advancing to become King of England anytime soon because of the longevity of his mother, Queen Elizabeth.

A surprising outcome

Joe took a couple of days to consider the job offer from my client, but to my surprise, he turned the offer down. I couldn\\u2019t believe it.

\\u201cJoe,\\u201d I said. \\u201cI can\\u2019t believe you\\u2019re turning this offer down. It has just about everything you said you want in a new job. It\\u2019s a lot more money and a lot more responsibility that you were looking for. It gives you things you don\\u2019t have now from your company. I don\\u2019t get it. Why are you turning it down?\\u201d

\\u201cI know, I know. You\\u2019re right,\\u201d Joe said. \\u201cEverything you said is true. It is a really good offer and opportunity.\\u201d

\\u201cBut the thing is, softball season is going to be starting pretty soon, and I love playing on our company\\u2019s team. I\\u2019m pretty close with my buddies on the team, and I\\u2019d hate to give that up. It\\u2019s really important to me.\\u201d

So Joe decided to stay at a job he didn\\u2019t like, that had little or no advancement possibilities, because\\u2026.relationships with his pals on the softball team brought him joy. These relationships made up for his negative feelings about his job, boss, and company.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Now, your job or career may be going along just fine. And maybe all the stars and planets are in perfect alignment and you\\u2019re living a pretty stress-free life at the moment.

But there will come a time when you will face difficult circumstances. So what do you do then? By all means, do what any reasonable person would do to change their circumstances. You have agency in many areas of life. Don\\u2019t live as a victim. Take control where you have control.

Face the fact though, that there will be situations in life where you have no control. You can expend a lot of physical and emotional energy trying to change circumstances that in all likelihood will never improve. Instead of working hard to change your circumstances, a better approach is to see if you can find a measure of joy in them.

In the story I just mentioned, Joe found joy in his relationships with the guys on his company\\u2019s softball team. It made his unsatisfying job tolerable.

For the rest of us, we can apply the same principle to challenging circumstances we face. Where things important to us are missing. Where there are things beyond our control. Look for joy in these situations, and look for them in a relationship. A relationship that offers much more than a relationship with people. A relationship with Jesus Christ. Where like the Apostle Paul, we can be content in any circumstance we find ourselves in because Jesus gives us the strength to experience contentment.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

No matter what our circumstances are, no matter how good or bad they are, we can find joy and contentment in them because of our relationship with Jesus Christ who gives us the strength and power to do so.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to
reflect on your circumstances and the joy - or lack thereof - you find in them.

Where joy abounds be ever so grateful to God. Where joy is lacking, ask him to help you find it in unexpected places. It\\u2019s what you were made for. You were made for this!

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people who cross your path this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

023: Reminding Each Other of Our Own Stories
059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

154: How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator

You would think an article about what a hostage negotiator does would focus on what they say to hostage-takers to get them to release the people they\\u2019ve captured. I was surprised to learn in an article I read that succeeding as a hostage negotiator begins with learning how to listen.

Today\\u2019s episode is about helpful ideas we can adopt from this unlikely career to improve our listening skills and deepen our relationships. You\\u2019re going to like this one, so keep listening.

\\u201cA Hostage Negotiator\\u2019s Lesson in Listening\\u201d

The article I mentioned appeared in The Wall Street Journal several years ago, entitled \\u201cA Hostage Negotiator\\u2019s Lesson in Listening\\u201d written by Massada Siegel. It\\u2019s a short piece that I\\u2019ll share with you, interjecting a few of my own thoughts.

Siegel begins:

\\u201cIs listening a lost art? On TV news and talk shows, everyone seems to be interrupting one another. Likewise in the political arena. Listening is especially rare on social media, where people are eager to talk and loath to hear other points of view.

\\u201cSo recently I challenged myself to talk less and instead to actively listen, ask more questions, and think about the responses. In particular, everywhere I went I asked people if they feel listened to and if they listen to others.

\\u201cAt a media conference, one lady told me sometimes she gets nervous around new people, so she thinks about what she will say as she listens so that she can be part of the conversation. Another said that she wished people would listen and not respond with a solution, because sometimes she\\u2019s only looking for a sounding board.\\u201d

Let me comment on this for a moment.

A better way to fit into a conversation

I can understand wanting to be part of the conversation. But I think there\\u2019s a better way than looking like you\\u2019re listening, when you\\u2019re actually just rehearsing in your mind what you\\u2019re going to say when you get a chance to talk.

To be \\u201cpart of the conversation\\u201d reminds me of the title of that wonderful book by Cal Newport, So Good They Can\\u2019t Ignore You. The subtitle is Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. It\\u2019s a book every high school graduate or college student should read. The premise of his book is that passion for any area of life doesn\\u2019t mean much. To be successful in life you need to have skills that are so good, that people can\\u2019t ignore you.

I bet that would work in being \\u201cpart of the conversation.\\u201d To be a conversationalist so good they can\\u2019t ignore you would mean instead of working to get your voice heard, you would focus on getting other people talking. It would mean saying things like, \\u201cJake, that\\u2019s interesting. Renee, what do you think about what he said?\\u201d

And there\\u2019s the person who said she doesn\\u2019t want to hear solutions to what she\\u2019s talking about, she just wants a sounding board. I think someone should write a book about verbal processors like this. I have sympathy for people like that.

People who solve their own problems when they slide their thoughts out of their head, onto their tongue, and out into the air where they can hear them. They\\u2019ll come to their own conclusions when they\\u2019re able to verbalize them.

But I don\\u2019t have any sympathy for self-centered people who want to hold court to be the center of attention. Though it\\u2019s hard to tell the difference sometimes

Self-described poor listeners

Back to the article.

\\u201cOne evening at a restaurant, I struck up a conversation with a couple and asked their opinion. They both said they weren\\u2019t good listeners and frequently interrupt people because they want to participate in conversations. \\u2018I talk a lot because I\\u2019m insecure and want people to like me,\\u2019 the husband acknowledged. \\u2018Ironically, I\\u2019m reading lots of leadership books, which all say if you want people to like you, you need to be a better listener.\\u2019\\u201d

Let me stop again.

I like the admission of the husband who says he talks too much because he\\u2019s insecure. Both people readily admit they are poor listeners. Yet they don\\u2019t appear to have any remorse or willingness to change. Do they perceive listening to be too hard?

A few years ago I was giving a talk at a break-out session on how to listen better to each other. The talk was part of a larger conference with a big-name plenary speaker. If I told you who he was everyone listening to this episode would recognize the name.

To my surprise, this well-known speaker headlining the conference sat in on my little break-out session, sitting at the back of the room. After I finished my talk he came up to me to say he enjoyed the session, and then said, \\u201cI\\u2019ve been told I\\u2019m not a very good listener.\\u201d He said it with a smile on his face as if to laugh it off as something not all that important. He\\u2019s a great speaker and has had a stellar career leading several large Christian organizations. But I wonder what it would be like to work for him, this self-admitted poor listener.

Learn from a hostage negotiator

Well, back to Spiegel\\u2019s article on how to listen like a hostage negotiator.

\\u201cGlenn Cohen, who recently retired as chief psychologist and hostage negotiator for the Israel Defense Forces, told me that listening can mean life or death in his line of work. There are five steps to negotiating a hostage\\u2019s release, he said: the first is listening to the terrorist.

\\u201cThe biggest mistake to make is to jump to the last step, which is behavioral change,\\u201d he said. \\u201cIn a volatile situation where someone\\u2019s life is on the line, there can be no shortcuts. You must listen, as the hostage-taker is all charged up, emotionally and physically.\\u201d

I\\u2019ll stop here again and add that often when we listen to those going through difficulties, we too are looking for a behavioral change in the other person.

\\u201cStop what you\\u2019re doing or thinking and do what I\\u2019m suggesting,\\u201d is often how it goes. It\\u2019s usually well-meaning, but advice not asked for can be interpreted as criticism. It can be seen as setting up a power dynamic, \\u201cI know more than you.\\u201d

Back to the article.

\\u201c\\u2018The hostage-taker has his goal, so you must hear him out and understand want he wants to accomplish,\\u2019 Mr. Cohen said. \\u2018As a negotiator, you are looking for a win-win situation, and a hostage-taker needs an opportunity to vent and let off steam, as their adrenaline is pumping as they are in the moment. Unless they unload their demands, they don\\u2019t have the capacity to hear and consider behavior change.\\u201d

Listening is an influential skill

The author concludes with:

\\u201cListening is an influential skill. The more you give others space to talk, the better you understand them and the more willing they are to listen themselves.\\u201d

In our own conversations with people, it\'s helpful to think of the person we\\u2019re talking to as having a goal. We often are too concerned with our own goal, like the person mentioned earlier whose goal was to fit into the conversation.

I so appreciate Seigel\\u2019s comment that \\u201clistening is an influential skill.\\u201d What a great way to influence people, by listening to them. When we make the effort to learn how to listen we bring out the best in others, and in ourselves. And like any skill, it takes practice.

It\\u2019s never too late to start perfecting how we listen to people. You can start today.

So what does all this mean for YOU, and for me?

I wonder about the people in your life, and in mine, who while they are not hostage-takers, still would like to have a voice, to be heard. I think of the quiet people in our life who are shy and never say much. You know they\\u2019ll never take any hostages, but you wonder what they\\u2019re thinking about. Why don\\u2019t they ever say much? Why are they so quiet?

Maybe their personality has been shaped this way because they don\\u2019t feel safe with people. They may not trust others. Or maybe they feel people don\\u2019t care what they\\u2019re thinking, that they don\\u2019t have a voice. It\\u2019s possible when they\\u2019re with lots of talkers, and they can\\u2019t get a word in edge-wise, they just give up. Or in gatherings where the topic of conversation changes faster than a ping pong ball in an Olympic table tennis match, they think \\u201cwhat\\u2019s the use?\\u201d

My guess is that if we learned how to listen to people like this there would be fewer of them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It\\u2019s an important tool we need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. No one is born a good listener. It\\u2019s something we can learn to deepen our relationships with people.

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect on how you could find more joy in your relationships by learning how to listen better to the important people in your life. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with your relationships this week. I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

065: End With Asking This Important Question

064: Start with this Important Question to Ask

063: Six Reason Why We\\u2019re not More Curious About People

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

153: Two Stories of How to Reflect the Character of God

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I saw two news photos recently about the invasion of Ukraine that gave me hope in the midst of this awful tragedy. You\\u2019ve heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. I\\u2019m not counting, but here are my words about these two pictures that touched my heart for the compassion and kindness they depicted. They also illustrate the relationship principle I talked about in last week\\u2019s episode, no. 152. I\\u2019ll explain that in a minute, but I\\u2019ll start with the photos.

Baby strollers left for the taking\\xa0

The first photo is of a train station where Ukrainian refugees fleeing the Russian invasion of their country first arrive in Poland. On the platform where people get off the train, some unknown women placed empty baby strollers for the newly arriving mothers to take for their children.

I think it\\u2019s safe to say this was a spontaneous response on the part of these women to act upon what they first observed. They saw the news of millions of Ukrainians fleeing their country. I\\u2019m recording this near the end of March 2022 and the latest figures I saw were about 10 million people in Ukraine have fled their homes. They are mostly women and children; the men are staying back to fight in the war. The UN estimates 50,000 Ukrainians are entering Poland every day.

I also think it\\u2019s safe to say these Polish women reflected upon what this means for their Ukrainian counterparts. They\\u2019re imagining what life must be like for them. To leave behind their husbands, brothers, fathers, and even grandfathers to fight the invading forces, not knowing if they will ever see their loved ones again. They see the photos you and I see of apartment buildings bombed and reduced to rubble. If the war were to end today, what could they possibly return to other than smashed slabs of concrete, piled one on top of the other where their homes used to be?

No one asked, \\u201cWhat can I do to help?\\u201d

No one asked these refugees getting off the train, \\u201cHow can I help you?\\u201d I doubt if a committee was formed to design a care program with a catchy name and a clever acronym to assist these refugees. Instead, they put the ORA principle into practice. They Observed - Reflected - Acted.

The baby strollers the Poles provide seemed in pretty good shape and I wonder if they were recently purchased. Giving away strollers, whether their own possessions or newly purchased, was a sacrifice. But a loss so minor in comparison to what the refugees were giving up.

If you look closely at the photo, you\\u2019ll notice the baby strollers on the train platform are pointing in different directions, with no sense of order. Just like their lives that changed on February 24, 2022, when Russia invaded their homeland.

For the Ukrainian mothers, these baby strollers send a silent but powerful message to them that there are good people here in Poland. \\u201cThey get me. They understand. In their nation\\u2019s history they have been invaded by Russia, too. Maybe I\\u2019ll be able to make it in this new country after all. At least my children and I are alive and with me. And there are some people doing what they can to care for us.\\u201c

A welcoming bridge

The second photo is of a gray wooden bridge near the crossing from Ukraine into Romania. It\\u2019s the photo you see at the top of the show notes for this episode. I\\u2019ll also have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019m struck by the contrast in colors in the photo. The sky is gray. The bridge is gray. But someone has placed bright, colorful stuffed toy animals on the side of the bridge.

The Romanians observed the same photos of war as the Polish women and the rest of us see. They also reflected upon the meaning of it all and the impact on mothers and their children leaving their homeland in Ukraine.

They imagined what it must be like to be them with frightened children under tow. The kids had to leave their prized possessions behind, but greeting them on the side of the bridge are colorful stuffed toy animals. Maybe this could be the start to a good beginning.

This gesture sent a message to the arriving Ukrainians, \\u201cThese Romanians must be good people to provide these stuffed animals. They\\u2019re showing concern for my children. They understand kids because they must have children of their own. Maybe, just maybe, we\\u2019re going to be okay here after all.\\u201d The refugees saw the Romanians reflect the character of God.

So what does all this mean for YOU and me?

You and I won\\u2019t be expecting Ukrainian refugees at our doorstep anytime soon. But there is a relationship lesson we can learn from the Poles and Romanians.

It\\u2019s about the relationship principle of asking a better question than \\u201cwhat can I do to help?\\u201d It is to think about what you could do to best reflect the character of God in helping someone. And then do it.

It is about taking our eyes off ourselves for a few minutes and putting ourselves in the place of hurting people who are scared and dealing with a life-changing loss of one kind or another. We don\\u2019t have to look to fleeing refugees from Ukraine to find people like this. They\\u2019re all around us.

We can follow the example of the Poles and Romanians

How about the friend who had to put their dog to sleep? The neighbor who just lost his job. The woman you work with whose mother no longer recognizes her because of Alzheimer\'s Disease. The lady in your church whose husband left her after decades of marriage.

We can\\u2019t make up for these losses. But we can reflect the character of God. That part of God\'s character that hates injustice and evil. The part that\\u2019s kind and compassionate. The part that\\u2019s gentle. We can be like that for people.

The Polish women reflected the character of Jesus with baby strollers they gave away. The Romanians reflected the character of Jesus with the colorful stuffed toy animals they offered up on that cold gray bridge.

How you and I reflect the character of God will be entirely different. It will be unique to you and me. What a privilege we have in doing this, whether it\\u2019s giving away baby strollers or colorful toy animals, or something else.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Since we are created in the image and likeness of God, when people are in need ask the Holy Spirit what you can do to best reflect the character of God to them. And then do what he tells you.

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act that\\u2019s consistent with how God made each of us in his image. Because when we reflect his image well, we will feel the joy of being and doing what you and I were made for. You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week as you reflect the image and character of God. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related resources

Past Episodes of You Were Made for This

149: What Do I Say to Them?
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?
088: Get Them to say \\u201cThank You for Asking\\u201d

The baby stroller photo

Photo of the Ukraine/Romania bridge

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Listed in: religion

152: A Better Thing to Do to Help Others

Many people are going through a rough time

The other day I received an email from Connie, a newer listener to this podcast. Her subject line read, \\u201cNot only am I enjoying them.\\u201d She continued with

I pass them on to others, many going through tough times in their lives. Health issues, loss of loved ones, isolation, and loneliness.

It has been harder for many to adapt to these past two years and your talks are positive, gentle, and encouraging with a welcoming voice. Relationship building is huge and your podcasts shine a light on any weakness and how one can do better! I am listening, so keep them coming.

This one\\u2019s for you, Connie

In recent episodes I\\u2019ve been talking about how we can help people like those Connie describes, people dealing with health issues, loss of loved ones, isolation, and loneliness. We often don\\u2019t know what to do or say to people like this. Often we\\u2019ll say things like \\u201cPlease let me know if there\\u2019s anything I can do to help.\\u201d I know I\\u2019ve said this a number of times.

The problem with this well-meaning offer of help is that many times people don\\u2019t know what they need. Or they are overwhelmed with whatever they\\u2019re dealing with. So when you ask, \\u201cwhat can I do to help? \\u201c You\\u2019ve just created a job for them. You\\u2019ve given them a task, namely, to think about what they need and then contact you to meet that need. In times of stress that can be daunting for people.

A better thing to do

I\\u2019ll give you an example of a different approach that I saw in my wife Janet the other day. One morning after reading a passage of scripture about doing good for people, the Holy Spirit prompted her to say to me, \\u201cI think we should get together with Linda.\\u201d

This was soon after Linda (which isn\\u2019t her real name. I changed it for privacy reasons) had initiated contact with us to tell us about her 40-something daughter\\u2019s serious health condition. We knew this turn of events was deeply disturbing to Linda, and while many people were there to support her daughter, we wondered if Linda was getting the emotional support she needed.

So Janet contacted her and made arrangements for us to pick her up and take her out to dinner. Being the classy people we are, we took her to a grocery store and chose from the limited menu that went with their limited seating.

Everyone has a story

As we talked for some time, and heard what was on Linda\\u2019s heart she mentioned, \\u201cEveryone has a story. For now, I\\u2019m going back to the large church I was attending because some of the people still there know my story. I need to be with people who know my story.\\u201d We know Linda\\u2019s story, too. She\\u2019s a rather private person and to know her story is a great privilege.

During the course of our conversation, Janet asked Linda how the Meal Train program was going for the family. This is where people volunteer online to prepare and deliver meals at designated times for a family. Linda said it was very helpful because when you\\u2019re dealing with a health crisis in the household, the last thing you want to think about is preparing meals.

But then Linda mentioned her son-in-law was going through a lot of organic fruits and vegetables he runs through their juicer for the liquid diet his wife is on. She said it was getting expensive.

Listen well and you\\u2019ll discover specific needs

Janet then asked Linda, if they needed money for these fruits and vegetables. Linda said, \\u201cyes.\\u201d

It was a specific need Janet asked about, which is a better way of asking to help others than \\u201chow can I help?\\u201d

Without giving it a second thought, Janet reached into her purse and pulled out all of the $30 she had with her and gave it to Linda. It was a minor miracle Janet even had $30 at all, as she rarely carries any cash.

\\u201cHere give this to your son-in-law to feed the juicer,\\u201d she said. While having the cash on hand was a miracle, giving it away was not. It\\u2019s Janet\\u2019s m.o. She\\u2019s been generous like this since I first met her in her father\\u2019s garage when we were 13.

We talked about this afterward and remarked how it seemed easier to get the money to its intended recipient through an intermediary like Linda. It was less awkward than giving the money directly to Linda\\u2019s son-in-law.

A deja vu moment

On the way home after our time with Linda, I had a flashback to a similar situation that happened a long time ago. We were in the early days of our missionary care ministry and trying to raise support. We happened to be in Greenville, SC visiting our daughter where she had recently moved.

During our time there Jennifer arranged for us to meet a pastor who was the brother of one her good friends. So we got together with Kerry and his wife Cynthia for breakfast at Mimi\\u2019s Cafe. They told us part of their story, and we shared part of ours, this new venture we were on starting a missionary care ministry.

As we were getting ready to leave, Cynthia reached into her purse, and pulled out what I recall to be $30 and said, \\u201cHere, take this. I want you to use it for your ministry. It\\u2019s all I have right now.\\u201d We were shocked at her kindness and generosity. I hadn\\u2019t thought about this event in many years, but the picture of it rose to the surface in seeing Janet do the same thing with Linda.

Months later we learned that Kerry\\u2019s position at the church was eliminated. He eventually became an Anglican priest and pastored a church in Cairo, Egypt for a few years. Kerry and Cynthia now lead a church in Amsterdam.

So Cynthia, if you\\u2019re listening, your legacy of generosity lives on!

The day after

Back to our story about Linda. The next day after our dinner at the grocery store, Linda sent Janet and me this text:

Thank you so much for last night.
Thank you for picking me up.
Thank you for loving me so tenderly in Christ.
Thank you for letting the tears flow.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Such loving friends like you, along with tears and laughter, are so good for the soul.

Knowing that you\\u2019re here means more to me than you\\u2019ll ever know. You are diamonds in the treasure box of friendship.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Here are a few random thoughts I hope you walk away with:

• Every now and then it\\u2019s a good idea to put yourself in other people\\u2019s shoes and to think \\u201cWhat might it be like to be them right now?\\u201d
• Be open to hearing from the Holy Spirit to help you to help others
• Instead of asking how you could help someone, take a guess and ask a closed-ended question, Would you like me to do X? Would you like me to do Y?
• To help others, observe what other people are doing to care for people, and then do something different.
• Don\\u2019t let people go through hard times alone. Remember the quote for the movie The Soloist: \\u201cAll he wants from you is to show up.\\u201d
• In whatever you do always reflect the image and character of God
• Think of how you\\u2019ve been blessed in the past, and pay it forward by doing the same thing for others
• As always,listen. Both with your ears, and your eyes

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Instead of asking a friend in need what you can do to help, a better thing to do to help others is to ask a closed-end question like, \\u201cWould you like me to ______?\\u201d The more specific a solution you suggest, the better. It lifts a burden from their shoulders and puts it on yours.

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, bring a measure of joy into the lives of others this week by spreading a little relational sunshine around you. Until we meet up again next time, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

149: What Do I Say to Them?

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

151: Hope is More a Noun Than a Verb

An unspeakable tragedy

In episode 148 I mentioned the missionary who told Janet and me that the baby born to his son and daughter-in-law that morning was stillborn. A healthy heart suddenly stopped beating before birth. The doctors don\\u2019t know why. The whole family was in a state of shock and just devastated. The baby was to be our friend\\u2019s first grandchild.

We viewed the funeral service online from hundreds of miles away. It was hard to watch. All that heartache seeping out of the baby\\u2019s father who spoke of the overwhelmingly painful loss he and his wife had just suffered.

A week or so later our missionary friend\\u2019s wife texted to say \\u201cthese have been very hard days, some almost unbearable, but we are clinging to Jesus with everything we\\u2019ve got.\\u201d She followed this up with another text where she wrote,

Wisdom from a blog post

I spent some time on a website called \\u201cHope Mommies,\\u201d a ministry that focuses on moms who have lost babies/children. One of the blogs shared this:

\\u201cFriends sent puzzles and coloring books. Those things were all nice, but they didn\'t actually fill the time. Your mind is still free to think while completing a puzzle or coloring a picture. I wanted something to occupy my mind so time would pass. In these moments, the comment "time heals all wounds" was not helpful. It felt like time was not moving; it felt like I would never experience healing. The excruciating minutes would linger and linger. If time was my only hope, that felt cruel.

\\u201cBut thankfully time isn\'t where our hope lies. Our hope is in Christ Jesus. He met us in our pain and presented us with true peace, that transcends understanding (Philippians 4:7). It is not by the passage of time, but "by His wounds we are healed" (1 Peter 2). We don\'t have to wait. Even in the midst of our suffering, He offers us hope.

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Hope is a noun more than a verb

This blog post reminded me of a stark difference between people of faith and those who choose to make no room for God in their life. For people of faith, Hope is a noun. For everyone else, Hope is a verb.

People of faith understand that for us, hope is found in the person of Jesus Christ. He\\u2019s an anchor that\\u2019s rock solid. He\\u2019s something and someone that never changes. Jesus is a certainty. He\\u2019s a person we can cling to \\u201cwith everything we\\u2019ve got\\u201d as my missionary friend put it. Hope as a noun get\\u2019s us through our present difficulties. While Jesus hope awaits us in the future, it\\u2019s a source of strength to get us through our present difficulties

For everyone else, hope is uncertain, with no guarantees. It varies from person to person. Hope as a verb is inconsistent, subjective, and elusive. It\\u2019s about the future, with no help for the present. But for people of faith, hope is a noun more than a verb.

In my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, I touch upon the questions people have about why God allows bad things to happen to good people. Here\\u2019s a brief excerpt:

The goodness of God

I don\\u2019t have an answer for these questions. All I know is that God is good, and I cling to this. It is my anchor. It is what gives me hope and what keeps me from going crazy. He is good when life is going well, and He is just as good when everything is not. The goodness of God is not defined or explained by the circumstances in which I find myself.

I also know that even if the worst happens to me here on earth, God will comfort me; He will be compassionate with me. He is the God of all comfort and the father of compassion. We can count on this for sure. Even if the worst happens, God can use it to draw us closer to Himself\\u2014if we let Him. He can use it to strengthen us. He may very well make us better people for it. Even if the worst happens, God can use what we go through for greater purposes and reasons than we can ever imagine.
(pages 116-1170

So what does all this mean for YOU?

For a person of faith, how we view Jesus is where the rubber hits the road in dealing with all that life throws at us. Do we know Jesus well enough to view him as an anchor, someone we can cling to when our world begins to unravel?

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

As a person of faith, we can help and comfort people when we embrace and share the principle with others that for us, Hope is a noun more than a verb. And it can be the same for them, too.

Closing

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act upon the great news of the Gospel that Jesus is our hope. Our only hope. Our relationship with him is the most important one we have It is one we were made for.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next time, goodbye for now.

Related resources you may want to check out

149: What Do I Say to Them?
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

150: The Joy We See in Others

Grandparents impact us long after they are gone

If you\\u2019ve been listening to this podcast for any length of time you\\u2019ll know it\\u2019s all about relationships. It\\u2019s about finding the joy God intends for us in our relationships. It is the \\u201cthis\\u201d you were made for in You Were Made for This.

As an example, for many of us our relationship with our grandparents left a lasting impact on our lives long after they passed away. So I recently asked listeners like you to describe memories of your grandparents. I shared several of these in episode 147: Memories Our Grandparents Make. I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

A few more grandparent memories have come in that I thought you\\u2019d like to hear today. I see joy in each one of them. I\\u2019ll comment at the end of them with a few thoughts of my own that may surprise you. Here\\u2019s the first one from a listener who starts by identifying herself as \\u201cThe woman from Minnesota again\\u2026\\u201d Yes, it\\u2019s Marilyn from Minnesota, who always has something interesting to say. Today is no exception. She writes:

A listener responds with a grandparent memory

\\u201cWhen I was in about fifth grade, our family made our trek from the U.P. to Indiana to visit my mother\'s parents. I adored them, but was only able to see them once a year or less. Interesting how those few days a year made a huge impact on my life.

\\u201cOne evening, after my grandparents had gone to bed, I happened to be passing by their room. The door was ajar by a couple of inches so I could easily hear what they were saying. They actually were not talking to one another. They were talking to God. I paused by the door to listen to their entire prayer time. It became quite clear to me that this was their habit each evening after turning off the lights and settling in bed.

\\u201cThey were praying for each of their five children and each of their many grandchildren. Their specific names were mentioned and specific prayer requests were given. Of course, I waited expectantly to be sure I was included. Sure enough, I was. Those few minutes were a treasure I have never forgotten. And they never knew I eavesdropped on their private three-way conversation. It\'s all part of my treasured heritage.\\u201d

Isn\\u2019t that a great story? I see joy in it, don\'t you? She concludes with a brief story about being a grandparent herself.

Before our grandkids move away

\\u201cA few weeks ago, on our local Christian radio station, they mentioned a woman who traced each of her grandchildren\'s hands in a notebook. When she would pray for them, she would place her hand over that traced hand. A special \\u2018touch.\\u2019

\\u201cFour of my grandchildren are moving a far distance from me. Before they leave, I\'m planning on tracing their hands in my prayer notebook.\\u201d

Memories of music and making bread

Then I heard from Dorcas, a missionary now living in Virginia. I see joy in her grandparent stories, too.\\xa0 She begins,

\\u201cOnce again I enjoyed your podcast today\\u2026and it brought back really sweet memories of my grandparents.\\xa0 You\\u2019re right \\u2013 it was the simple things that we remember, but they made them - and our time with them so very special!

\\u201cMy paternal grandpa taught me hymns and ballads while sitting on the front porch of their home, rocking in the porch swing.\\xa0 \\u2018Ole Dan Tucker\\u2019 was my favorite and then Johnny Appleseed (\\u201cThe Lord is Good to Me\\u201d.)\\xa0 My paternal grandmother was the best bread maker around.\\xa0 She baked all the bread for the local hospitals, and I still remember having hot buns and fresh blackberries and cr\\xe8me for breakfast\\u2026.nothing better!\\xa0 I\\xa0 love to make bread to this day.

\\u201cThen my sweet Scottish, shy maternal grandmother was so special. The mother of 12 kids, and not afraid of work at all.\\xa0 She taught me how to see the rain coming through the mountains and would say \\u2018go get a blanket and then grab the songbooks and join me on the front porch.\\u2019

Snuggling and singing with Grandma

\\u201cThere we would sit on her porch swing, wrapped up in the blanket, snuggled together and her teaching me old southern gospel songs and hymns.\\xa0 I loved it. And she made me love rain, songbooks, and time to swing during summer rains.\\xa0 I can still hear her voice in my memory and have loved porch swings ever since.

\\u201cI guess those porch swings were the center of community back then and I am grateful for the love of God, family, and songs they gave me.\\xa0 Hospitality happened so naturally for them all \\u2013 they just shared what they had!\\xa0 I can\\u2019t wait to meet my other grandpa in Heaven someday.\\u201d

My reaction to these grandparent stories

I love the memories shared by \\u201cthat Minnesota woman again.\\u201d What a tender and beautiful picture of eavesdropping on her grandparents as they prayed for each of their children and grandchildren individually, and specifically for her. What a touching picture of love poured out for one\\u2019s family. And to do it privately when you think the kids aren\\u2019t watching. But as you know, the kids are always watching, even when you think they aren\\u2019t.

And then there\\u2019s that story of tracing her grandchildren\\u2019s hand in her prayer book that she will touch as she prays for them when they move far away from her. Doesn\\u2019t that grip your heart? It does mine.

Our missionary friend Dorcas listening in Virginia also shares some great memories her grandparents created for her. I don\\u2019t know about you, but I can just smell the bread her grandmother baked. And I can feel the warmth of her other grandmother snuggled with her granddaughter on the front porch, singing during the summer rain.

The surprising thing for me in these stories is I can\\u2019t relate at all to the grandparents described here. My grandparents weren\\u2019t anything at all like Marilyn\\u2019s or Dorcas. Where they anything like yours? Do you see joy in the stories of your grandparents?

Yet the joy I see in what Dorcas and Marilyn experienced brings me joy now.

My grandparent memories

I only saw my maternal grandparents twice in my life.

They lived on a farm in northern Minnesota, far from where I grew up in southeastern Wisconsin. I only saw them the two times we visited them. Once when I was about 10 or 11, and the other right before I started college when I was 18.

I don\\u2019t recall them interacting with me at all during those brief visits.

My dad\\u2019s father died decades before I was born. His mother lived with us when I was quite young. I only remember tension in our house during those years, as she and my mother didn\\u2019t get along.

I do have fond memories of my grandmother when I was a teenager. For several summers I spent a week with her in her simple low-income flat in an aging neighborhood in the city, not far from the suburban home of my parents.

A summer memory with my grandmother

I remember one summer painting her flat. She was fascinated with the fact I could paint her ceiling without a ladder. I was tall, and her ceiling was short, just like her. In her broken English, and with her hands to the side of her face, she would exclaim, \\u201cJanez, Janez,\\u201d marveling at my handiwork. My brother Joe still calls me Janez. And he\\u2019s \\u201cYo - Szha\\u201d to me.

My grandmother was always kind to me and gave me stamps off the letters she received from her friends in Slovenia - the country she immigrated from when she was just 18. I always felt she loved me.

But that\\u2019s about it when it comes to my grandparent memories. There was a time earlier in my life when I would have been jealous of grandparent memories like Marilyn and Dorcas shared. \\u201cMust be nice\\u201d would have been my theme song (by the way I talk about the harmful \\u201cmust be nice\\u201d phrase back in episode 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1)

Connecting with the lives of others so different from our own

Yet despite the differences in our background and our grandparents, I thoroughly enjoyed these grandparent memories you\\u2019ve heard today. Rather than being envious, I share in the joy I see in Dorcas and Marilyn\\u2019s stories.

I find joy in hearing about the character of their grandparents and how they expressed love for their grandchildren. I find joy in hearing how Marilyn and Dorcas were blessed by their grandparents in different ways. To see the joy in them fills me.

It doesn\\u2019t bother me in the least that I wasn\\u2019t given what they received. I find joy in seeing how the character of God manifested itself in the lives of these older people I never meant, and the positive impact they had on their families.

I find joy in the subconscious realization that I can be like the grandparents in these stories. In creating meaningful memories for others, I in turn bring joy into my own life.

How about YOU?

I bet there are people in your life who are filled with joy over something missing from yours. But our lives are so much more enriched when we can appreciate the joy we see in the lives of others and share in it with them.

It\\u2019s what God wants for us when he says \\u201crejoice with those who rejoice.\\u201d It takes the spirit of God working in our lives to live like this. All we need to do is ask Jesus to make us feel content in whatever circumstance we are in. And then the joy will come. We can\\u2019t do it on our own. We need Him.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Joy has a way of multiplying itself when we rejoice over what others have that we don\\u2019t. It comes to us when the joy we see in others is enough to fill us. Joy is meant to be shared.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to reflect on how you might be able to experience more joy in your life by sharing in the joys of others. Through the power of God\\u2019s spirit, you were made for this.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

147: Memories Our Grandparents Make

005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

149: What Do I Say to Them?

Episode 148 left us hanging

Episode 148 from last week talked about five things NOT to say to people close to us who are going through a rough patch in their life. I\\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes.

So if we know what not to say, then what are helpful things we could say?

We\\u2019ll tackle this question in today\\u2019s episode.

Words matter

I love words. I love people who write them well. I like how Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and other best-selling memoirs uses words. He incorporated as a company simply called \\u201cDonald Miller\\u2019s Words.\\u201d

Our daughter has a friend who does free-lance copywriting. She calls her business "Words for Sale."

I like Anne Lamont and how she uses words. Of the many books she\\u2019s written, one of my favorites is her book about 3 types of prayer. It\\u2019s called Help. Thanks. Wow. Three simple words. Three powerful prayers. In talking about the wow of God, she frequently uses the phrase, \\u201cIt\\u2019s God showing off.\\u201d It\\u2019s the best description of sunsets, the Grand Canyon, and childbirth I can think of - God showing off.

In William P. Young\\u2019s book, The Shack, he repeats the phrase \\u201cGod is especially fond of you\\u201d in addressing, Mack, the main character of the book. What a beautiful phrase and powerful theological truth. \\u201cGod is especially fond of you\\u201d

These are all beautiful words.

Words have their limits

But words have their limits when it comes to knowing what to say to people going through a rough patch in their life. I find myself saying things like, \\u201cI am so sorry you\\u2019re having to deal with this.\\u201d It\\u2019s truly how I feel, but it seems hollow sometimes.

When it comes to our friends dealing with a death, we often say \\u201cI\\u2019m sorry for your loss\\u201d, or if it\\u2019s a sudden, tragic death, \\u201cI have no words.\\u201d And that\\u2019s the problem, we often don\\u2019t have words to express how we feel inside for the pain someone close to us is experiencing. So few of us are like Donald Miller, Anne Lamont, or William Young with our words.

I so wish we had a larger menu, like they have at Chinese restaurants, of comforting words and phrases to choose from.

Beyond Words

But then I think, are better words really the answer? It seems to me words are just a means to an end, not the end itself. We use words to connect us with people, to show how our emotions align with theirs. To let them know we want to be part of the journey they are on in dealing with a loss or difficulty in their life.

Words are the dots to connect our heart with the heart of another.

Maybe there are other ways beyond words that connect us with each other.

In last week\'s episode, I mentioned our friend whose 40-something daughter became very ill, and how our friend was filling in for her daughter by managing the household, helping her son-in-law, and caring for her grandkids. The weight of all that had to be done was overwhelming for our friend. Preparing meals, dealing with the ever-growing pile of laundry. All at the time she was caring for her very-sick daughter.

What do I say to a friend who\\u2019s feeling overwhelmed like this?

My first thoughts went to one of the things mentioned in episode 148, God Never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully I resisted that thought. Then several Bible verses came to mind. Verses I know our friend was well schooled in. Verses about how God is always there for us, how God cares for us when we are struggling. She may have even memorized them.

When our friend shared the bad news about her daughter I don\\u2019t remember saying anything, I just listened. And gave her my handkerchief she used to dab the tears from the corner of her eyes. It was the best I could do at the moment.

A helpful quote

Days later I came across a quote that I sent in a text to our friend. I wrote:

\\u201cHere\\u2019s a quote from Seth Godin I came across the other day that reminded me of you when you feel overwhelmed with doing all that your daughter does to manage the household. Godin said,

\\u2018I\\u2019m pretty confident that when the Titanic went down, the deck chairs were cleaned and well-ordered. It\\u2019s a shame no one talked about the icebergs.\\u2019\\u201d

And then I added, \\u201cKeep up the good work in keeping your priorities straight! I\\u2019m continuing to pray for your daughter.\\u201d

In my thinking, the housework that was crying out for attention was her deck chairs on the Titanic. The physical and emotional needs of her daughter were the icebergs - the most important things to attend to.

All analogies break down at some point, but in using the words from this quote I was trying to affirm her wisdom in caring for her daughter at the expense of the piles of laundry. It was the best I could do at the moment.

Sometimes the best we can do to connect with people is to show we are thinking about them and remembering their struggles, even when we\\u2019re not together. Our words are not as important as what we do.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I wonder if there are people in your life going through a difficult time who would appreciate you connecting with them. And maybe doing so without words. Connect with them by showing you haven\\u2019t forgotten their struggles and that you are paying for them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

When people in our life are struggling, \\u201cWhat do I say to them?\\u201d isn\\u2019t as important a question to ask as \\u201cWhat can I do?\\u201d

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect and to act by letting someone you know who\\u2019s struggling that you haven\\u2019t forgotten them. That you are praying for them, and that they are not alone in whatever difficulty they are going through.

It will bring out the best in you and go a long way in helping you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Too much time spent on Caring Bridge

It\\u2019s been a rough couple of weeks.

It started with going to the funeral of a former student of mine when I taught high school English back in the 70s. Janet and I re-connected with her and her husband several years ago before cancer invaded her body, and finally took her life. What do you say to her husband? To her children and grandchildren?

Shortly thereafter, a good friend met with us to tell us through her tears and halting breathe, that her 40-something daughter was just diagnosed with colon cancer. It\\u2019s quite advanced, and everyone in the family is in a state of shock.

Then several days ago another good friend, a missionary, emailed to say the baby born to his son and daughter-in-law that morning was stillborn. The doctors don\\u2019t know what caused a healthy heartbeat to suddenly stop shortly before birth. It was to be our friend\\u2019s first grandchild. The entire extended family is devastated.

What do you say to people in situations like this?

What not to say

I can across a helpful blog post several years ago by Tim Pyles, who is the preaching minister at the Broken Arrow Church of Christ in suburban Tulsa, Oklahoma. In his blog post, he shares five things NOT to say in situations like the ones I described in the beginning. I\\u2019ll share excerpts that I hope you will find useful. The first example of \\u201cwhat not to say\\u201d is Everything Happens for a Reason.

Everything Happens for a Reason

\\u201cNo it doesn\\u2019t.\\xa0 Not even close,\\u201d Pyles writes. \\xa0\\u201cThis is one of those statements that is almost in the Bible.\\xa0 Though it may sound like an affirmation of unqualified faith in a sovereign God, in actuality it slanderously accuses God of cruelty and injustice and impugns His divine will.\\xa0 Romans 8:28 is frequently used as a proof text for this unbiblical notion, but that passage doesn\\u2019t teach that all earthly outcomes are somehow the result of a micro-managing, manipulative Deity.

\\u201cRead the passage carefully.\\xa0 \\u2018Everything happens for a reason\\u2019 is a quotation from Marilyn Monroe, not the Messiah.

\\u201cSince I have written about this statement previously, I won\\u2019t further belabor the point here.\\xa0 See \\u201cEverything Happens for a Reason, Right?\\u201d for a lengthier discussion and explanation.\\u201d

[Note: I\\u2019ll have a link to this article at the end of the show notes]

The author continues with the second thing not to say:

God won\\u2019t give you more than you can handle.

\\u201cAgain, close, but no.\\xa0 Almost in the Bible, but not!\\u2026. Such a statement suggests that God\\u2019s divine hand is on a celestial spigot of suffering, determining and divvying out tragedies and heartaches based on His assessment of our ability to \'handle it.\'\\xa0 It is not only wrong and hurtful, but insulting, to suggest to someone that their immense suffering is somehow a divine \'compliment.\'"

Let me pause for a moment and add that God sometimes DOES give us more than we can handle in order to encourage us to depend on him. His glory is so often demonstrated in our weakness and inability to deal with the things the world throws at us. Giving us more than we can handle can connect us more deeply with God if we allow it to.

Back to the blog post with item number 3 of what not to say:

God is in control

\\u201cUltimately, yes; God reigns supreme and unrivaled over the whole of His creation\\u2026

\\u2026 Offered as a response to a tragic loss, \\u201cGod is in control,\\u201d comes across as yet another hollow platitude, and, worse, one that wrongfully lays the blame for our suffering squarely at the foot of God\\u2019s throne of grace.\\u201d

I would agree with the author\\u2019s comments on this one. \\u201cGod is in control\\u201d is certainly true. But people in the middle of suffering won\\u2019t be comforted by it. This truth won\\u2019t sink in until much later. As so often the case, timing is everything.

Much of the pain and suffering we experience is because we live in a fallen world outside the Garden. We tend to forget that.

Moving on, Tim Pyles shares the next phrase not to say to hurting people:

God has a plan

\\u201cYes, He indeed does, but the death of their child was not a part of it.\\u201d

To this I would add, remarks like \\u201cGod has a plan\\u201d often comes off as our effort to defend God and what he does in the affairs of mankind. God doesn\\u2019t need us to defend him. \\u201cGod has a plan\\u201d is prone to distance us from hurting people.

Finally, the last of the \\u201cWhat Not to Say\\u201d is:

One day you\\u2019ll understand why; one day you\\u2019ll know the reason

\\u201cNo, they won\\u2019t.\\u201d

The author of this blog post does not leave us hanging with what not to say. Here is what he says are helpful things we can and should say or do:

\\u201cIf this is a person who you know and love, tell them how much they mean to you and how much your heart aches with them and for them.\\xa0 Tell them how much you loved their child, and how much you miss them.\\xa0 Tell them, \\u2018I can\\u2019t imagine the pain, the hurt, the sense of loss, and the anger that you are feeling\\u2019 \\u2026

\\u201cGrief is a journey and a process, not an event.\\xa0 Patiently love them and consistently demonstrate the Spirit of Jesus Christ.\\xa0 When the time is right, assure them that God loves them, too. \\xa0Remind them that they can speak openly and honestly to God about what they are feeling.

\\u201cHopefully, in time, they will come to see how God can bring light even out of the darkest of nights, and out of our brokenness, He can bring blessing.\\xa0 He is not the Cause, but rather the Redeemer of our suffering.\\u201d

So what does all this mean for all of us?

I like how the author concludes his remarks:

\\u201cOur \\u2018presence\\u2019 and our actions of kindness and compassion should always precede our words, and completely substitute for them if necessary.\\xa0 Show compassion, extend kindness, demonstrate humility, deal with them gently, and be patient with them (Colossians 3:12).

\\u201cThe emotions of those who have suffered soul-jarring and faith-shaking losses are very real and extremely raw.\\xa0 What they feel is what they feel.\\xa0 Their pain is deep.\\xa0 Their grief is intense.\\xa0 To attempt to get them to deny their emotions, to suppress their feelings, or to feel guilty about their anger will be completely unhelpful and counterproductive and will almost certainly ensure that you will not be welcomed to walk beside them throughout their long journey of grief.\\u201d

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Be careful of what not to say when bad things happen to good people.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to think about what phrases to avoid in trying to be helpful to the hurting people in your life. And to instead to live out Colossians 3:12, where the Apostle Paul says, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

For when you do, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. Until we connect again next time, spread a little relational sunshine to those around you. Goodbye for now.

Related resources you may want to check out

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Tim Pyles blog post, "Everything Happens for a Reason, Right?\\u201d

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

147: Memories Grandparents Make

Grandparent Job Description: Make Memories for Your Grandkids

A few months ago in Episode 141, I asked you, our podcast audience, to share memories your grandparents created for you. I mentioned the memories could be from when you were a child or as an adult. I thought it would be interesting and encouraging to hear stories like this. For many of us, our relationship with our grandparents provided a sense of stability in our lives. For many of us, they are relational anchors.

Holiday memories with Grandma

In today\\u2019s program, I\\u2019ll be sharing three of the grandparent memories I received from listeners.

Here\\u2019s the first story. It\\u2019s from Louise, a missionary who spent many years in China, and is now back in the US continuing to do Bible translation work as she did in China for several decades. She writes:

"Dear John,

On your recent podcast, you mentioned having us share a memory of our grandparents. I only had one growing up since the other 3 had already passed. We used to visit Granny in Orlando, FL for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She always saved stale bread for my younger brother and me to give to the ducks at the nearby lake. It was a small thing but was always anticipated by my brother and me. She also made clothes for me on occasion. I just loved it since she was a good seamstress and made cute things that I enjoyed wearing as a little girl.

Granny didn\'t talk a lot but she always made us feel welcome and special whenever we visited. Boy, could she cook too. Her kitchen was small but the holiday meals she made were wonderful."

Louise\\u2019s memory of her grandmother reminds me of a comment I made in last week\\u2019s episode, no. 146, namely, we tend to overestimate the power of our words and underestimate the power of our presence. As a woman of few words, her grandmother excelled at creating joy. The joy of doing something that would bring her grandkids pleasure - saving bread to feed the ducks, making cute clothes, cooking wonderful holiday meals. It brings me joy just imagining what this must have been like for Louise and her brother. The memories grandparents make are important.

Reading to a granddaughter thousands of miles away

The second story I\\u2019ll read comes from a retired missionary. She writes about a memory her mother created as a grandmother for her daughter. Here it is:

"I have a vivid memory of one thing my Mom chose to do many years ago when she, as a retired missionary herself, was back in the USA and Jim and I were now raising a young family in NIGERIA. It left an indelible impact on me as her daughter.

When Lisa, our oldest, was 2-3 years old, Mom sent us a copy of the children\\u2019s book CORDUROY. Along with the book was a cassette tape of her talking to Lisa and then reading the book aloud to her. Mom told Lisa that she used to love reading to ME, but that she was happy that now she could read to her granddaughter.

She asked Lisa to sit in her favorite chair and pretend she was on Grandma\\u2019s lap. She told our daughter she would read and ring a little bell when it was time to turn the page. I remember sniffling in the background as I watched Lisa snuggle into a chair and listen to Grandma read.

It didn\\u2019t matter that she was on the other side of the world. I prayed Lisa would always remember that kind voice and the time they had spent \'together.\'"

What if there\\u2019s little or no relationship with a grandparent?

After describing her own mother as a grandparent, our now-retired missionary went on to write:

"I wish I had had the Godly influence of grandparents in my life, but I never did. Growing up as a missionary kid in Nigeria without the later benefit of email, FaceTime, or phone calls, we were separated from family for four years at a time. By the time I was old enough to know my grandparents, they had either passed away or were too frail to build meaningful relationships.

Looking back on the cost of that loss grieves me. However, I don\\u2019t recall my parents dwelling on it. I didn\\u2019t hear them complain or even talk about what was missed, but I\\u2019m sure the reality was painful for them. It was a cost they had counted, a sacrifice that \\u201cwent with the territory\\u201d of an overseas mission commitment, I guess.

I wish, though, that my parents had told more stories about them. There are glaring gaps in their histories that I long to know now.

"What I\'ve learned as a grandparent"

As I am a little further down the pike now, I can see the importance of returning from Nigeria when I did. I finally could see that others could teach music, lead schools and mentor Nigerian teachers and dorm staff at Kent Academy. Others could support widows. But I was the only one who could be the Grandma to my grandchildren.\\xa0 I was a little too-late-smart, but I finally could see the bigger picture!

So now, I see the privilege of investing in our 8 grandkids. I see the joy of intentionally traveling to Washington, DC and Chicago to support these two families. I see the urgency of redeeming lost time and making the times count when we can be together. It\\u2019s never too late to start doing what\\u2019s right!\\xa0 And just as Jesus placed his healing hands on people individually, I don\\u2019t think there\\u2019s a one-size-fits-all in Grandparenting either.

We as grandparents must work to reach our grands and ask God to give us direction in connecting with them as individuals. As we lean in and listen to His still, small voice, I believe He will teach us and delight in helping us."

A Rocky Mountain grandmother and a disabled grandfather

Our last grandparent memory comes from a missionary who served in the Mideast for many years. She and her husband are now in administrative and training leadership roles with their mission and are based in Florida. She begins:

"It was fun to think back on my grandparents and their impact on my life. My grandmother lived in Colorado in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. At the age of 70, she took up painting and became an artist! She painted Colorado aspen trees with the backdrop of the mountains as well as watercolor paintings of various little birds. She always looked for the unique beauty in everyday surroundings. Her paintings are her legacy. They reflect how she saw and appreciated the

beauty of her world. She taught me that it\\u2019s never too late in life to try something new - to take up a new hobby and develop a latent talent.

My grandfather had Parkinson\\u2019s Disease and lived far away from us, so we didn\\u2019t know him well. When we visited him at the nursing home, I always remember his hugs. He couldn\\u2019t really give us anything other than love and a hug and it left a lasting impression on me. Kids don\\u2019t need more toys or things. They need to know they are loved. Hugs matter.

A creative grandmother

My grandmother was an amazing, creative woman who loved to knit and crochet. To this day we have colorful afghans that she knitted that are perfect to wrap up in on a chilly night. As a little girl of about 9, I asked her to help me learn to knit. She got some needles and taught me to cast on the yarn and then demonstrated how to knit. I tried my best, I truly did. I made a square that was about 4 inches wide. It was purple.

As I proudly showed my grandma my creative accomplishment, she looked up at me with kind eyes and said softly, \\u201cWell, honey, maybe you should try a different hobby!!\\u201d To this day, I do not knit!!"

Creating a memory for a grandchild

She continues, talking about a memory she created for one of her own grandchildren:

"One thing I have done with my own grandsons when we visit, is to tell them I pray for them every day. As I tuck them into bed at night I ask them, \\u201cDo you want to know what I pray for you?\\u201d Of course, they are curious and want to know!! I tell them the exact same thing every time. \\u201cI pray that you will grow up and become a man who knows and loves the Lord Jesus with all your heart.\\u201d

Several years ago as I tucked Griffin into bed and we had this conversation, he looked up at me with ice blue eyes (and red hair) and in all sincerity, he exclaimed, \\u201cGrammi, I will!\\u201d

It\\u2019s been 10 years since that night and every time I see him I say, \\u201cGriffin, do you remember what I pray for you?\\u201d He grins and we share a moment and then he repeats my prayer for him. It blesses my heart."

So what does all this mean for YOU?

These three stories remind me of the power and privilege a grandparent has in creating memories for our grandchildren. They remind me that it\\u2019s the simple things that count, like giving stale bread to your grandkids so they can feed the ducks. It\\u2019s reading to our grandkids. It\\u2019s showing them it\\u2019s never too late to learn something new. And it\\u2019s praying for them every day.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Memories grandparents create are a relational anchor for grandchildren. They remind us of our relational roots and where we\\u2019ve come from. They show us the privilege we have in impacting the lives of others for good.

Closing

If you have any thoughts about today\\u2019s episode, I\\u2019d love to hear them, along with any memories YOUR Grandparents created for YOU. With all that\\u2019s going on in the world today, we need to hear more stories like the ones you\\u2019ve heard today.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. Until we meet up again next time, make a memory for someone. For when you do, you\\u2019ll at the same time make a memory for yourself.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People

139: Why Should I listen to this Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

146: More Joy in Our Relationships

My Legacy Coalition talk

A few days ago, this past Monday, I gave a live webinar for the Legacy Coalition, a Christian grandparenting organization. It was part of their weekly Grand Monday Nights program. I\\u2019ll have a link to this fine organization at the bottom of the show notes. They are all about helping grandparents \\u2028have a greater spiritual impact on their families. I encourage you to check them out.

The topic of the webinar I gave was \\u201cHow to Relate to Our Grandkids When they Don\\u2019t Want to Talk.\\u201d For 30 minutes or so I explained the ORA principle I\\u2019ve talked about on this podcast a number of times. My talk focused on how Observe - Reflect - Act can be used to draw out children when they\\u2019re not very communicative. I\\u2019ll have a link at the bottom of the show notes to a few prior episodes explaining the ORA concept in more detail.

I enjoyed putting that webinar together, and to top it off, I appreciated several comments shared with me by two listeners to the program. Let me tell what I learned from them that can help you in your relationships.

Two former missionaries respond

Phil, A retired missionary from Virginia texted me after the webinar to mention that ORA is, as he put it, \\u201ca good Italian word.\\u201d He and his wife Sylvia served in Italy for a number of years as missionaries. If anyone would know a \\u201cgood Italian word,\\u201d it would be Phil.

He said that ORA, in Italian, means \\u201cnow\\u201d or \\u201chour.\\u201d

I love the time-sensitive nature of coupling ORA, Observe-Reflect-Act, with its Italian counterpart, \\u201cnow\\u201d or \\u201chour.\\u201d We certainly find more joy in our relationships when we live in the moment and don\\u2019t let opportunities to deepen our relationships pass us by. So thanks for stimulating my thinking, Phil with your little Italian language lesson!

And then I got another response shortly after the webinar finished. It was an email from Linda, another retired missionary, now living in North Carolina. I seem to recall that she and her late husband Jim served in Nigeria for many years.

A quote from a movie related to the webinar

Linda wrote, \\u201cAs I listened to you share about\\xa0O-R-A during the LEGACY COALITION webinar tonight, I thought of a quote I wrote down from a Netflix movie I recently watched called My Father\\u2019s Violin:

Every person creates their own melody. You just have to take the time to listen.

This quote from the movie stimulated thinking in all kinds of directions. What kind of melody? Are the melodies discernible, unlike the rap music sung during the recent Super Bowl halftime show? Is creating our own melody a good thing?

Can we share common melodies with each other? Are there melodies God gives us, that only seem like we created them ourselves? What melody am I creating? What melodies are you creating? All these questions. I bet if I saw the movie and heard the quote in context, my questions would be answered. Regardless, it\\u2019s a stimulating thought to consider \\u201cevery person creates their own melody.\\u201d

One thing I know for sure

One thing I don\\u2019t wonder about, though, is the last part of the quote, which ties in so well with the ORA principle\\u2026 \\u201c You just have to take time to listen.\\u201d Because when we do take the time to listen to each other it does create more joy in our relationships. Of that I am certain.

So Linda, thanks for stimulating my thinking with this interesting quote, and also for the lead on the Netflix movie, My Father\\u2019s Violin. I\\u2019ll have a link to that in the show notes as well.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

In the webinar from a few days ago, I made this comment near the end:

"Our grandkids may not be talking, but they\\u2019re always communicating. It\\u2019s up to us to figure out what they\\u2019re telling us.\\u201d

I\\u2019ve been thinking more about this since Monday and it certainly applies to adults as well. We\\u2019re all communicating something, even when we\\u2019re not talking.

The richest and most fulfilling relationships are those where people listen well to the unspoken. To the non-verbal. Where we listen with our eyes. With our heart. Where we listen to the melody created by others in ways that connect us more deeply with them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Listening well to the melodies people all around us are creating can bring more joy into our relationships.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act by asking God to help you become a better listener to the melodies created and played by those around you.

For when you do this, it will help you find the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week until we meet up again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other resources you may want to check out

099: Share an Observation Instead of Asking a Question

088: Get Them to say \\u201cThank You for Asking\\u201d

The Legacy Coalition

My Father\'s Violin - A Netflix movie

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

145: Delayed Gratitude Deepens Relationships

A listener offers a correction

In episode 140 from a few weeks ago, I talked about the relational benefits of thanking people in writing for something they did to bless you. Writing a thank you note is a great way to deepen a relationship because it reminds us of the kindness we received, while at the same time it encourages the recipient of the thank you note to continue blessing others.

I also cautioned our listeners in that episode not to expect people to thank you for the good you do for them. Because often they won\\u2019t. But you do good things for people anyway, because it\\u2019s the right thing to do.

For example, I mentioned that in my reading of the Bible of all the times Jesus blessed people, I couldn\\u2019t recall a single time when someone thanked Him for what He did for them.

Soon after that episode aired, a listener - I think from Minnesota - quickly wrote to correct me. Keep listening to hear what she pointed out to me. It\\u2019s an interesting story we can all benefit from.

The healed leper who thanks Jesus

Our Minnesota listener pointed out to me that in Luke 17 there is the story of Jesus healing ten lepers, one of whom returned afterward to thank Him. I\\u2019ll read this short account from Luke 17: 11-14

As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten men with leprosy stood at a distance,\\xa0 crying out, \\u201cJesus, Master, have mercy on us!\\u201d\\u2028 He looked at them and said, \\u201cGo show yourselves to the priests.\\u201d And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy.\\u2028 One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, \\u201cPraise God!\\u201d He fell to the ground at Jesus\\u2019 feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan.\\u2028 Jesus asked, \\u201cDidn\\u2019t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?\\u201d And Jesus said to the man, \\u201cStand up and go. Your faith has healed you.\\u201d

Context of the story

The context of this delayed gratitude story is important. For one thing, Jesus had been traveling with his disciples when these 10 lepers appear. Jesus knew they were watching. What he said and how he presented himself was just as much for the benefit of his followers as it was for the lepers. He was teaching by showing, which for them, and many of us, has greater impact than by teaching by telling.

Geography is important in this story. Luke mentions the incident with the lepers takes place at the border between Galilee and Samaria. We can infer then that the 10 lepers were a mix of those from both places. If you were from Galilee, as were Jesus and his disciples, Samaria was considered the other side of the tracks. People from Samaria were looked down upon as second-class citizens. Why this is, I\\u2019ll leave for theologians and preachers to explain. They need the work and it keeps them off the dole.

One last thing in terms of context, you might wonder why Jesus told the lepers to present themselves to the priests after they were healed. This happened on other occasions when Jesus healed people. Presenting one\\u2019s self to the Jewish priests legitimized their cleansing. Without this, healing by Jesus was considered unofficial. One commentator this said

"It has to do with reintegrating lepers into society. Priests were able to verify that someone was healthy and had been cured (Lev. 13.49; 14:2ff.). Until that time, they were excluded from full participation in the community.

\\u201cIn sending the lepers to the priests Jesus is giving them their opportunity to reconnect with loved ones, re-establish careers and resume normal worship.\\u201d

Who am I in this story?

This story of the 10 lepers raises two important questions for all of us. The first one is, \\u201cAs a person of faith, where do I see myself in this story?\\u201d

I\\u2019d like to think I would be more like the one leper, the Samaritan leper, who came back to thank Jesus for healing him. Even though I didn\\u2019t realize at first Jesus would be healing me as I and the other 9 lepers went to see the Jewish priests, my delayed gratitude to Him would need to be acknowledged. I\\u2019d like to think I\\u2019d do the right thing in this regard.

But in reality, I think I am more like the 9 other lepers. They all had a measure of faith by believing they would be healed by Jesus, without Jesus actually being present. But it didn\\u2019t occur to them to go back and thank Jesus for this huge blessing he granted them.

This reminds me of my interview with Josephine in episode 143. She\\u2019s a missionary in Eastern Europe, and when she was on a recent home assignment, she went back to 3 of her former music teachers to thank them for the positive impact each of them had on her life. This was gratitude expressed many years after the fact that was quite powerful. I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. It\\u2019s one of my favorite episodes.

It shows that sometimes it takes a significant distance of time and space for delayed gratitude to do its work. To touch our hearts in appreciation for how people - and God - have blessed us.

Who is Jesus in the story?

The second important question this story raises is \\u201cWho is Jesus?\\u201d

For example, at the end of the story, how do you picture Jesus when he asks this rhetorical question,

\\u201cDidn\\u2019t I heal ten men? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?\\u201d

Do you see him as angry? Maybe disappointed? Critical, perhaps?

I can\\u2019t prove it, but I have a strong hunch he was smiling, maybe even laughing at the lack of gratitude from the other 9 who were healed. Laughing like a parent of a young child who sees the self-centeredness in their offspring. But who at the same time realizes it\\u2019s only a matter of time before their son or daughter matures, because he knows that deep down the child will eventually do the right thing.

I picture Jesus thinking and smiling like this and looking like the actor who plays this role of Christ in The Chosen. It\\u2019s that Internet series that\\u2019s become so popular. To me, he looks like Aaron Rogers, the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. But this character who plays Jesus in The Chosen often smiles at the idiosyncrasies of his followers. I can easily imagine Jesus doing the same with us.

Don\'t you love a Jesus who laughs and smiles? I hope you do.

And I love how in this story Jesus points out the leper with the delayed gratitude is from Samaria. I\\u2019m sure Jesus did this for the benefit of his disciples who were from the right side of the tracks in Galilee.

We don\\u2019t expect people different t from us to be better than us. But that\\u2019s what happened here with the leper from Samaria who praised Jesus with his delayed gratitude.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I\\u2019ll leave you with a question to think about. What is something Jesus has done for you in the past that evokes thankfulness within you now? Where would you be today if Jesus had not done what he did for you back then?

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Delayed gratitude can be more powerful than thankfulness at the moment we\\u2019re blessed. We may not fully appreciate what happened until time passes and the significance of the blessing penetrates our soul. When it does, our relationship with the person who blessed us deepens.

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. You can even feel free to correct me as our listener from Minnesota did today.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect upon something Jesus has done for you, and then thank him for it, as the cleansed leper from Samaria did.

It\\u2019s one way to find the joy God intends for you in your relationship with Him. Because as we all know by now, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships until we meet up again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to or watch

143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1

140: Two Relational Benefits to a Thank You Note

139: Why Should I Listen to this Podcast?

Click here to watch The Chosen

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

144: Initiate with People to Enrich our Life - Part 2

Picking up where we left off in last week\\u2019s episode

In Last week\\u2019s episode, no. 143, I wanted to demonstrate the relational New Year\\u2019s resolution I suggested in episode 141. Namely, initiate with people. So I contacted a previous guest on this podcast, a missionary serving in Eastern Europe by the name of Josephine. It isn\\u2019t her real name, but for security reasons in her part of the world, I\\u2019m calling her that.

I initiated with her to give you some ideas of how you could do the same thing with people in your life. I found our conversation interesting and encouraging as I learned more of her story and how God has been leading her and caring for her. But we ran out of time last week, so I want to finish sharing our conversation with you today. If you missed the start of our chat from last week I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

In that episode, I interjected a few observations as we went along. Today, however, I share those observations at the end.

So let\\u2019s get into today, beginning with a question I asked about Josephine about the people she lives and works with in Eastern Europe.

[I\\u2019m sorry, but there\\u2019s no transcript of our conversation. To listen to the episode go to the top of the page and click on the gold play button in the white circle next to the episode title]

The end wasn\\u2019t the end

Wasn\\u2019t that interesting? [i.e., the guest interview] It sure was for me, especially near the end.

There was a period of awkwardness for me where it seemed like I had run out of questions to ask Josephine. Thinking we were about finished, I asked her, \\u201care there any last thoughts or things you have to say?\\u201d In other situations, people will often say something along the lines of, \\u201cNo, I think we\\u2019ve covered everything.\\u201d

But this is when the conversation changed and Josephine took over and said something along the lines of

\\u201cIn terms of relationships, I\\u2019ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately\\u2026.\\u201d

To my way of thinking it became the richest part of our time together where she talked about her feelings of saying goodbye to people, grieving relationships that end, and the challenge that brings. And even the opportunities it creates. Josephine had a lot to say about this topic.

A listening waltz

When our conversation took a turn more to the heartfelt it reminded me of an important listening principle, that good listening is like dancing a waltz. One person leads, the other person follows. In the beginning, I was leading, and Josephine followed. She followed well. But then she took over and started to lead by sharing her reflections about relationships, that were independent of anything I asked before. And I just followed her around the listening ballroom dance floor.

Watching people waltz is a thing of beauty, and being part of a really good heartfelt conversation is a thing of beauty, too. You lead for awhile, your partner follows. Then they lead and you follow. What a privilege it is to both lead, AND follow someone else\\u2019s line of thinking and feeling. It doesn\\u2019t get any better than this.

Good conversations leave you wanting more.

My interaction with Josephine reminds me that when we initiate with others, a really good conversation will leave you wanting to know more. And the great thing is wanting to know more about the other person is how relationships deepen and how it enriches our lives. For example, with Josephine, I\\u2019d like to know more about

• Her two friends who left in January (we recorded the episode in Mid-December) What were they like? What will she be looking for in new friends to fill in the gap of this loss?
• I\\u2019d like to know more about what Josephine is learning about hospitality from the lady down the street that she\\u2019s not finding in books.
• Then there\\u2019s the challenge she faces of working alone she mentioned. What\\u2019s that like for her? How does she deal with this?
• I\\u2019d like to know more about how she\\u2019s processing the grief and losses she experiences. I loved how in our discussion she talked about being very specific in naming her losses and then feeling them. I\\u2019d like to hear a story or two of how she does that. I should have asked, \\u201cCan you give me an example of that.\\u201d
• And then I sensed a bit of sadness in her voice as she talked about the grief of relationships that come to an end. I wonder if I sensed it accurately, though. I\\u2019d like to know more about this.
• I wonder too, how as a leader of missionary teams, does she help those she leads deal with the losses they experience.

Affirm people, cheer them on

And then as our conversation came to a close, I just felt it was an honor for Josephine to have shared with me what was on her heart. She talked about some deeply personal and tender things that I felt needed a response from me. So without even thinking, I shared what was on my heart about what I heard from her.

I told her I was proud of what she does and the way she does it. I mentioned that I saw what she does as being important work. I just felt the need to affirm her the best I could at that moment. We need to do this for each other whenever we can.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life?

Initiate with others. Don\\u2019t wait for them to come to you. Ask God who you should initiate with, and then bless the person by listening well to their story. Affirm them when you can. Be their cheerleader. It will bring out the best in them, and the best in you.

Another thing you can do is read the Necessary Endings book Josephine mentioned. It\\u2019s by Dr. Henry Cloud. It\\u2019s a very good book. A major theme Cloud writes about is that to experience God\\u2019s best for us we sometimes have to end things before we can move on. Josephine talked a little about this. The author gives lots of examples from the Bible and his own counseling practice to illustrate this concept.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

When we initiate with others great conversations become like ballroom dancing. They lead, we follow, and both our lives are enriched. It deepens our relationships with people.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to consider initiating with someone. And as we talked about last week in episode 143, you make the first contact and see what happens. See what God does. I\\u2019d love to know how it goes for you.

Because when you initiate with people there\\u2019s a good chance you will find the joy God intends for you in relationships. For surely you must know by now, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week until we meet up again next week. Goodbye for now

Related episodes you may want to listen to

143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1

083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community

139: Why should I listen to this podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1

My first boss

I met my wife in high school in 9th grade. We didn\\u2019t talk to each other much until our junior year when she was co-editor of our school newspaper. Things took a big leap forward when she asked me to write a humor column for the Campus Courier. So when I started writing my column, \\u201cOff the Beaten Path,\\u201d Janet became my boss. My first boss. Carol\\u2019s my boss too, but Janet\\u2019s been my boss the longest. I get them both a Boss\\u2019s Day card every October 16th.

Janet\\u2019s editorial skills and experience came into play the other day after she listened to episode 140, about thank you notes. She liked the examples I gave in that program from my own life of doing good for others to the extent people thank you for it. She said

\\u201cIf you\\u2019re going to tell people what to do in their relationships you have to be doing the same thing yourself.\\u201d

I couldn\\u2019t agree with her more. I knew I had to do something related to episode 141 about the relational resolution I suggested for this year: initiate with people. Since I\\u2019m recommending this to others I need to do it myself.

Practice what I\\u2019m preaching

So I decided to initiate with one of our previous podcast guests, Josephine, a missionary serving in Eastern Europe. Her real name isn\\u2019t Josephine, but for security reasons in her part of the world, I\\u2019m calling her that. And also because \\u201cJosephine\\u201d was the name of my grandmother who was born in Eastern Europe and emigrated to the US when she was 18.

As you listen in to my Zoom conversation with Josephine, see what ideas you can pick up for having a similar conversation with someone that YOU initiate with. Our conversation begins at about the 3:10:00 mark with me reminding Josephine of the last time we talked. Listen in.

[I\\u2019m sorry, there is no transcript available. Please listen to the podcast]

At about 6:32 into the interview

I want to stop her for a moment. What Josephine said about where she feels most comfortable often comes as a surprise to people here in the States who have limited exposure to missionaries. Another missionary once told me he feels like a fish out of water when he comes back to the US from Southeast Asia where he serves. We often assume missionaries can\\u2019t wait to get to America because of all the creature comforts we enjoy here. It\\u2019s often not like that, as Josephine points out.

Back to our conversation at about 7:12 into the interview

I\\u2019ve got to interject here for a moment. Isn\\u2019t this a great example of the benefits of initiating with people? Expressing her gratitude to 3 older adults for the positive impact they had on her life. She intentionally wanted to spread a little joy in the lives of her former teachers. What a kind and caring gesture on Josephine\\u2019s part. And notice that she said, \\u201cit was a huge gift for me, and for them, too.\\u201d That\\u2019s the way it often is when we initiate with people. It does become a huge benefit to us.

\\xa0Our conversation resumes near the 11:34 mark

Asking someone how they came to be whatever they are doing now is one way to initiate with people. It\\u2019s something you can start asking people you want to go deeper with in your relationship. More often than not people will have an interesting story to tell. And many times their story will have God\\u2019s fingerprints all over their story. So give it a try, ask someone what led them to do what they\\u2019re doing now. It will encourage the person you\\u2019re talking to, and you could very well be encouraged yourself.

I pick up with Josephine at about 16:34

What great answers to my questions about how she became a Christian, and then how she was led into missions serving in Eastern Europe. Don\\u2019t you just love her honesty and seeing how God directed her? For me, I hear joy coming through in Josephine\\u2019s answers.

I\\u2019m going to save her answer to the last questions I asked about the people of Eastern Europe for next week\\u2019s episode. The story she shares about her home assignment is quite interesting in its contrast to the values of the people she lives with overseas. It sure got me thinking, and it will do the same for you when you listen to part 2 next week.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Do yourself a favor and initiate with people. Start with one person. It will get your mind off whatever you\\u2019re dealing with as you hear people\\u2019s stories and how God is leading them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

When we initiate with people to learn their story and how God is leading them, it opens us to possibilities we may not have considered before. It opens us up to see the love of God in caring for people and meeting their needs. And when we do that it strengthens our faith, for what God does for others, he certainly can do for us.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. You can leave them in \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act by initiating with someone. You make the first contact and see what happens. And let me know how that goes for you.

For when you initiate with people there\\u2019s a good chance you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. You Were Made for This, you know.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I can\\u2019t wait to share with you again next week when we will hear part 2 of Josephine\\u2019s story. Take care, and spread a little joy this week.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community
139: Why should I listen to this podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

142: One Gracious Blessing After Another

Computer problems

A few months ago I realized I needed to replace my aging laptop computer, not so much because of the age itself, but because of problems with the keyboard.

The \\u201ca\\u201d key was the first to go. I couldn\\u2019t read it and many times had to press it several times before it would register on the screen. A computer technician recommended replacing the keyboard because he said the other keys will eventually do the same thing. Without boring you with the details, he said I\\u2019d be without my laptop for 10 days to 2 weeks to make the repair. I opted instead to replace just the \\u201ca\\u201d key, and there was no downtime at all.

But now the \\u201ca\\u201d key is doing it again, along with the \\u201ce, d, and c\\u201d keys which are no longer legible. Plus the cursor seems to have a mind of its own when I\\u2019m editing. Rather than paying to repair this older computer, and the downtown that comes with it, it\\u2019s time to replace it.

So I sent a letter to people on the mailing list for our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. It\\u2019s the organization that sponsors this podcast. People on the list had donated to our ministry in the past, and I asked them to pray that funding would come in to replace my computer.

A blessing from an unlikely source

Very generous people believe in what we are doing and the checks started coming in. One in particular stands out that came with a Christmas card at the end of December from a missionary by the name of Ann. Janet and I are always encouraged whenever another missionary supports the work we do out of their limited resources. Listen to what Ann wrote to us:

Dear John and Janet,

I hope this finds you well! Thank you for your recent letter! I understand needing a new computer. Mine was 10 years old and just replaced it over Thanksgiving break. God blessed with the provision for it!

So, I in turn, would like to bless you with a gift towards your replacement. Thank you so much for all you do and may our Lord bless you.

Have a blessed Christmas,

Ann

Her note and sizable check, I might add, humbled me. Her aging computer was older than mine. Yet she wanted to share out her limited missionary resources with us. She truly did bless us.

Blessings pointing back to Jesus

Her note and check brought me back to what the Apostle John said about Jesus in his gospel, chapter 1, verse 16:

\\u201cFrom the abundance of the fullness of his grace, we have received one gracious blessing after another.\\u201d

So how did Ann bless us? Certainly, on the surface it was her generous check to help pay for a new computer that blessed us.

A deeper blessing

But I see a deeper blessing in her note to us. Ann had the same need I had, maybe even a greater one, which helped her more easily understand my need. Her need made her more sensitive to mine. It\\u2019s interesting how that works.

She saw how God had blessed her with provisions of a new computer for herself, and that inspired her to be a channel of a gracious blessing to benefit Janet and me. A blessing that comes out of the abundance and fullness of God\\u2019s grace. One blessing after another.

In reading Ann\\u2019s note, I sense a lot of joy. I can\\u2019t help but smile thinking about the blessing she\\u2019s feeling. Not only does God bless her with a new computer for herself, but he also uses her to bless us. It all comes from the abundance of the fullness of his grace. One gracious blessing after another.

Like Ann, it\\u2019s inspiring to be God\\u2019s agent in blessing others. Where we reflect the character of Jesus in our relationships with people. Where we give people a taste of who Jesus is by simply passing on to others what we have received from him. There\\u2019s a lot of joy in passing on one blessing after another.

I also can\\u2019t help but think of whoever bought that computer for Ann, whether it was one person, or several people, or a church body. They surely must have experienced joy in being a channel of blessing directed to Ann.

The great thing about these blessings from Jesus is that there\\u2019s nothing we can do to earn them. They only come from the abundance of the fullness of his grace. It\\u2019s all grace. All the time.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I suspect some of you may not be feeling particularly blessed right now. If that\\u2019s the case, ask God for help. Ask him to remind you of the gracious blessing upon blessing you have already received. Maybe start with the blessing of having woken up this morning. Yeah, that would be a good place to start. And then ask God to take it from there. Ask him to help you make a list.

For me, I was looking at my paperwork the other day and it tells me I\\u2019m getting old. Yet I have all my original factory-installed parts. The same knees, hips, and heart valves I was born with. They seem to be working fine after all these years. Nothing has been recalled. One gracious blessing after another that I enjoy from the abundance and fullness of the grace of Jesus. I find joy in this.

You can too. Just ask for help in finding the joy. He\\u2019ll show you.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

There is real joy in seeing Jesus release one gracious blessing after another as he loves on us. We don\\u2019t have to work to receive these blessings because it\\u2019s all grace. All the time.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. You can put them in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect and be inspired by seeing Jesus at work in your life and in the lives of others.

When you do this you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with others and God. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

139: Why Should I Listen to this Podcast?

141: One Simple Way to Brighten Someone\\u2019s Day

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

141: One Simple Way to Brighten Someones Day

A relational word to focus on for 2022

Have you ever had one of those gray, dull days where things going on in your life match the dreary overcast weather of the middle of winter? But then suddenly out of nowhere, something happens to lift your spirits?

Today\\u2019s episode is about something simple we can do to brighten someone\'s day, which in turn will brighten our own.

Because of several unrelated texts and emails, I stumbled upon one simple way to brighten another person\\u2019s day. Here it is: initiate with someone. Yes, initiate.

I know some of you like coming up with a word or goal to focus on for the new year. If that\\u2019s the case with you, \\u201cinitiate\\u201d would be a good choice. Initiate by taking the first step in connecting with someone.

Here\\u2019s the first example I stumbled upon

Back in December of last year, there was a horrific display of evil in our community. It even made the national news here in the US. During an annual Christmas parade through the quaint downtown of Waukesha, Wisconsin, a man drove his SUV right down the middle of the parade. Starting from the rear, he plowed through marching bands, other parade participants, and spectators. Six people were killed, including an 8-year old boy. Over 60 others were injured and hospitalized. It was horrible.

This happened on a Sunday. The next day the school was canceled in Waukesha. One of the donors to the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, has a high school senior in that school system. I happen to know this young man through his parents and I wondered if he was affected by this trauma.

A text to initiate contact

So without giving it a second thought I texted him with this:

ME: I am thinking about you today, given the Christmas parade tragedy of yesterday. I heard school is canceled today. I\\u2019m wondering how you\\u2019re doing with all that happened. Did you know anyone who was hurt?

HIM: I\\u2019m doing okay, thank you for thinking of me. I wasn\\u2019t at the parade but I know people who saw it happen and everyone\\u2019s a little stressed about it. I know one person who got hit by the SUV but no serious injuries on his part.

ME: I\\u2019m glad to hear you\\u2019re okay. It\\u2019s certainly a terrible tragedy, certainly for those injured or worse, and for those like your friends who saw it happen.

HIM: Yeah, thank you for checking on me though it means a lot.

I was a little surprised at first that my simple spur-of-the-moment text meant a lot to him. But as I re-read his reply to my text it struck me how he appreciated the fact I was thinking of him in the context of this terrible event. Thinking about what he might be dealing with prompted me to initiate with him through a simple text. Who of us wouldn\\u2019t feel good knowing someone else was thinking about us in the midst of a difficult situation.

A second example of initiating to brighten someone\\u2019s day

Last Thanksgiving our daughter living in South Carolina was in a particularly grateful mood and sent me a text that read

I am thankful for you and all your support this year. Thanks for checking in on me so many times this fall. It really meant a lot to me to know you were thinking about me.

There it is again, this theme of initiating with a person that starts with simply thinking about the person and checking in on them.

Thanksgiving without your wife

Around the same time I got the text from my daughter I was thinking about my missionary friend, Martin. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072 concerning the sudden death of his wife. I was thinking about him last November because it was going to be his second Thanksgiving without her. So I called to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. My call went to voice mail, but within a few hours he responded to me in a text:

Hi John, thank you for reaching out and thinking of us. Serena\\u2019s godmother from Germany is visiting and celebrating Thanksgiving with us. That\\u2019s a blessing. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving as well!!

A voice from the past initiated with Janet and me

Here\\u2019s the last example of how to brighten someone\\u2019s day.

On November 10th of last year, Janet and I were traveling and in the evening I checked our voicemail at home. To my astonishment, there was a message from Margaret, a friend from over 50 years ago we had lost contact with.

She remembered our daughter\\u2019s birthday was coming up the next day, November 11th - Veteran\\u2019s Day, and that prompted her to track us down after all these years have passed. Her remembering our daughter\\u2019s birthday, made her think of us, and that prompted her to contact Janet and me.

Her initiating with us like this certainly brightened our day and has led to several follow-up phone calls between the three of us. Sadly it\\u2019s been just the three of us talking because her wonderful husband died two years ago. I won\\u2019t go any further now to describe this remarkable re-connection. It deserves a podcast episode of its own at a later date.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

The more I think of these examples I\\u2019ve shared, and others I haven\\u2019t, they remind me of how Jesus initiates with us. His incarnation at Christmas was him coming to be with us, so one day we can go to be with him.

They remind me of the story of Jesus initiating with the woman at the well. He went out of his way to be with her, even though she was so very different from him. She was a woman, he\\u2019s a man. Jesus\\u2019 followers at the time looked down upon her.. Yet Jesus initiated with her anyway, which in a very powerful way, brightened her day. Read the story in John 4; it\\u2019s all there.

Given that we are all created in the image of God, when we initiate well with people, without any motive for personal gain, we reflect the character of God. And in doing so, we will find fulfillment in being the person God created us to be.

I wonder who are the people in your life you could bless by initiating with them? Maybe even someone from your distant past. I know if you were to ask God who these people are He would show you.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

To brighten someone\\u2019s day, check-in with them to let them know you are thinking about them and wondering how they are doing. For when you brighten someone\\u2019s day, you\\u2019ll brighten your own. It\\u2019s what we\\u2019re all made for.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. You can leave them in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to think about the people you could initiate with, and then act on that thought. It would be one way to find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

071: How to Help a Grieving Friend
072: What I Learned From a Grieving Friend

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

\\xa0

Listed in: religion

140: Two Relational Benefits to a Thank You Note

Why a written thank you note?

By way of review, to receive a written \\u201cthank you\\u201d note, you had to do something pretty meaningful for someone to make the effort to show their appreciation in this way. For our purposes, it had to be in writing. Electronic communication didn\\u2019t count, nor did verbal expressions of gratitude.

In the age we live in, where electronic communication is the norm, for someone to use older technology like writing a note, requires a lot more of that person.

After I received a thank you note or card last year, I read and dated them, and then placed them in a folder.

Observations about the 2021 \\u201cthank you\\u201d cards I received

• From a scrap of paper to a linen parchment card, no two were the same. I\\u2019ve gotten identical birthday cards and Christmas cards, but no duplicate thank you notes.
• I received 5 thank you notes that mentioned appreciation for this podcast. I doubt if any of you have a podcast, but I\\u2019m sure a lot of you are doing things you enjoy that benefit other people.
• Several couples, and two single people we invited for dinner at our house, sent us written thank you notes.
• Thank you notes for birthdays and high school graduation gifts were the next most common.
• Two missionary couples who stayed with us a week to 10 days or so thanked us in writing.
• A friend of ours was sick with Covid, so Janet picked up groceries for her family and I delivered them.
• We received thank you notes from three teenage boys, all for high school graduation gifts. And they were most tender expressions of gratitude. Their parents raised them well!
• One person, a donor to our Caring for Others ministry, wrote at least 3 thank you notes over the course of last year. Here he was sending donations to us, and at the same time thanking us for our ministry in quite specific terms about what he was grateful for in what we do.

A sampling of thank you notes received

I feel a little uncomfortable reading these because they paint Janet and me in a good light, which you would think would happen in a thank you note. A more well-rounded picture would come from complaints people have about us.

But my only purpose in sharing them is to give you ideas of what you can do to impact the lives of people, to make a positive difference, to the point they will go to the trouble of thanking you in writing.

A secondary purpose is to give you ideas of HOW to thank people, as you listen to how people thanked Janet and me last year for one thing or another. Here\\u2019s the first one.

Just a quick note to say \\u201cThanks\\u201d for your friendship over the years! Knowing you guys and being able to LEAN on you at times gives us confidence in His Grace!\\u2026 Mostly I just wanted to make sure we get something in your 2021 pile of thank you notes.\\u201d\\xa0 ~ L. & J.

O.K., so this is clergy appreciation month! Although I consider you a friend you are also my clergy phone friend, and I appreciate your Biblical teaching and related challenges. ORA at work! ~ October V.A.

Do you remember ORA? Observe. Reflect. Act. ORA.

You have earned a thank you note! Thank you for teaching your listeners about how to care for others. It is so encouraging to listen to you each week. I especially like the one-take-home point for the week. I look forward to actionable items to care for others. ~ D.P.

Gratitude expressed for the unexpected

We are so grateful for how you are reaching people around the world with your podcast and are happy to help it grow! We are also so grateful that you have been willing to connect with our son (18-year-old high school senior) during this challenging time of a teenage boy\\u2019s life. He comes home smiling and seems more content. Thank you.\\xa0\\xa0 ~ K.P.

On the back of envelope: I forgot to tell you. This note is from my Grandma\\u2019s collection! She always wrote thank you notes!

Here\\u2019s a note from a businessperson to me, as her customer. The following is from the designer of our new website from last September:

John, thank you for trusting me to redo your website. It was such a fun project\\u2026I love being able to support others doing important work for Christ. Thank you for your loyalty over the years and I am so glad you stumbled upon my \\u2026.training video a few years ago. :)\\xa0 \\xa0 ~ L.D.

Thanks so much for making my birthday special. The cake was delicious and I was touched by your thoughtfulness. I love my tomato knife and can\\u2019t wait to try it. Thanks again.\\xa0\\xa0 ~ D. B.

Dear John and Janet,
Thank you so much for including us in your family lunch last week. You are so kind and generous. Blessings to you two! \\xa0 ~ J. & K.

Dear John and Janet
Thanks for the beautiful card and generous gift of money we really appreciate it. We will use it for gas to ride down there. Thanking God for both of you.\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ~B.R.and S.R.

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Thank you so much for coming down to my graduation and for your generous gift. I really appreciate all the ways you\\u2019ve supported me and spent time with me throughout my life, like all the times I\\u2019ve stayed at your house and the trips to the library with Grandpa, and the cookies Grandma and I have baked. Thank you always for being there for me. Maybe sometime you can come visit me at the University of South Carolina and we can get some cheese curds and get into an argument about who I should vote for. I hope your trip back went well - see you on Zoom! Love, Nathan

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to add more depth to the relationships in YOUR life?

Start by remembering that a written thank you note is simply a marker of the positive impact you had in someone\'s life. That\\u2019s the point of this relational resolution, not the thank you note itself. Writing a thank you note gets our eyes off ourselves to focus on a blessing we received.

One important thing to remember is not to expect people to thank you for the good you do for them. Often they won\\u2019t. But you do good things for people anyway, because it\\u2019s the right thing to do. It\\u2019s not about you; it\\u2019s about them. Doing good for others is living out Romans 12, and reflecting the character of God. With Jesus living in us, we are equipped and empowered to be the person God created us to be. We truly were made for this.

We are made in His image and Jesus was often doing good things for people, with no expectation that he would be thanked for it. In fact, I\\u2019ll have to look into this later, but I don\\u2019t recall any stories in the Bible where people thanked Jesus for blessing them. If any of you can think of an example, please let me know.

If writing a handwritten thank you note is a challenge for you, ask God for help. Ask him for help in remembering the blessings you received, and who were the people God used to bless you. Ask him for help in what to say and how to say it. When we ask God for help like this it won\\u2019t be hard,

If you have young children, and where appropriate, post the notes on your refrigerator or where they can see them. Share them with your kids as they come in. When you write one, and before you mail it, tell your kids what you are doing and why you are doing it. Then read it to them. Have them put the note in the envelope, seal it, and place the stamp on the envelope. Teach them by example.

For me, our kids are grown and have kids of their own. But when I die I want them to display a board at my funeral with all the thank you notes I received. Skip the pics of summer picnics and faded Christmas gatherings when I was in my 20s and had hair on my head. Display the thank you notes. Maybe that will encourage someone.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

A thank you note benefits both the writer and recipient. It reminds the writer of blessings received and motivates the recipient to continue reflecting the character of God by blessing others. These are two great benefits of a handwritten thank you note.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode, and any thank you notes you received.

Closing

I closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act by doing good for people to the extent they thank you in writing for it.

Ephesians 2:10 tells us we were made for this. It reads \\u201cFor we are God\\u2019s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.\\u201d

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when I will suggest another relational resolution for this current year. I can\\u2019t wait to share it with you! Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

087: Make it a Relational New Years Resolution

088: Get Them to say \\u201cThank You for Asking\\u201d

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Listed in: religion

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our basic premise

The basic premise of this podcast hasn\\u2019t changed, but during the past three years, I\\u2019ve seen more than ever the importance of relationships in our daily lives. They can bring us great joy. Or they can bring us great heartache - and everything in-between.

Relationships are like molecules of oxygen, because relationships are everywhere, even when we\\u2019re not thinking about them. We can\\u2019t escape them if we\\u2019re living human beings. We have relationships with people, obviously. But we also have a relationship, with organizations, with our circumstances, with time and places, with God, and even a relationship with our self.

Listen to this podcast to help make these relationships the best they can be.

The very first relationship ever

Relationships started with God, and the three persons of the trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This was the very first relationship. Since we are made in the image of God, good relationships reflect His character. To experience the life-giving relationships God intends for us, this podcast draws from what God says in the Bible about all manner of relationships.

This podcast targets people of faith because what God says about relationships is foundational to living the most fulfilling life possible. If you\\u2019re not a person of faith, that\\u2019s fine. Our goal is not to turn you into one. Godly principles of relationships work for both the believer and non-believer.

When you listen to this podcast you\\u2019ll learn how to apply biblical principles to your relationships. For example, Episode 51, \\u201cMore Than the Music\\u201d is about the relationship principles the Apostle Paul explains in Romans 12. It\\u2019s about how we are to relate to God, to others, and to ourselves. He explains how our relationships are a form of worship. I\\u2019ll have a link to this episode, and others I mention today, at the bottom of the show notes for you to check out later. It and the others will give you a taste of what You Were Made for This is all about.

We help you to make your relationships the best they can be

You may have come across this idea several times before, \\u201cwe were made for relationships.\\u201d Yet how many of us were taught how to actually do what we were made for? For many of us when it comes to relationships, we don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know about them. But if you listen to this podcast you\\u2019ll learn.

For most relationship skills are learned. So we talk a bunch about developing relationship skills. Most of us already have some relational skills, we just need to get better at it. And as with any skill; it takes practice. When you listen to this podcast, we show you what to practice and how to practice.

For example, episodes 011 - 014 are about the four levels of relationship skills, with examples of how you can move from level 1 up to level 4.

And there\\u2019s one of our favorite topics and recurring themes. Listening. It comes up in many episodes because it\\u2019s such an important factor in nurturing life-giving relationships. Episode 112, \\u201cThree Ways to Listen Well in 2021,\\u201d is just one example devoted to all this important relational topic

Our podcast format

The format we follow in this podcast is all about what is best for you. We respect your time, and except for the occasional interview, most episodes are 10-15 minutes long. When you listen to this podcast you won\\u2019t find any time fillers, nervous giggling, or inside jokes you find in some podcasts.

We stress the practical in each episode. Number 095 is an example, \\u201cWhat to Do When People Irritate Us.\\u201d

Another thing to note about our podcast is that we love relationship stories. We use lots of them to show how to have good relationships. We do very little telling. Lots of showing what good relationships look like. Lots of stories that illustrate the relational intelligence we\\u2019re working to develop in each of us. Many of these stories come from the Bible. And many of them come from my own experience.

Like the time I unknowingly frightened a 20-something tattooed, pink-haired woman in tattered blue jeans, with a ring in her nose and another in her navel. I shared in an episode an important relationship lesson I learned from that encounter.

Easily searchable content

Our website, johncertalic.com makes it easy to find relationship topics that interest you. Each episode is found in one of six searchable categories:

• Relationship Principles
• Relational Skills
• Finding Joy in Relationships
• God in Our Relationships
• Family Relationships
• Becoming a Better Listener

You can also search by tags or keywords. For example, searching on the word \\u201chumility\\u201d brings up 4 podcast episodes, 1 blog post, and 1 reference to my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others.

\\u201cBakery\\u201d brings up nothing. Nothing about bakery; sorry.

If you prefer to read rather than listen, each episode has show notes you can read, though I highly recommend listening because I sometimes will spontaneously add things not in the notes.

Another thing about our format is that we offer practical relationship tools you most likely will not have heard about elsewhere. For example, I have an episode about the myth of \\u201cit never hurts to ask.\\u201d Then there\\u2019s how to prevent relational conflicts before they happen. One of my favorite topics is about the only two questions you ever need to remember to get into a satisfying conversation with someone.

Each episode is about one specific relational concept or skill. Each one is a lot about one thing, not a lot about many things. Every one suggests an actionable response you can take to improve your relationships. It\\u2019s not about theory. It\\u2019s about practical tools and actions you can take. Today. Now.

Conclusion

Finally, a major reason to listen to this podcast is to discover the joy found in relationships. Besides the topic of listening, discovering the joy of relationships is a thread found throughout many episodes.

We come back to this topic again and again. Episode 041, \\u201cThankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life\\u201d is one example.

The main point of today\\u2019s episode

When you listen to this podcast it will enrich your life by showing you how to experience the joy God intends for you in your relationships. You\\u2019ll experience the joy of relationships as you grow in blessing others, which in turn, will bless you.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act, by making it a point to listen to this podcast on a regular basis so you can move the needle forward in making your relationships the best they can be. You can do this, you really can, because You Were Made for This.

In the days ahead, we have a lot coming up that will make this wonderful quote from Walt Whitman a warm reality for you:

We were together, I forgot the rest.

Let that sink in for a moment. We were together, I forgot the rest.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Episodes mentioned above

051 More Than the Music
011 Relationship Skills - Level 1
112 Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021
095 What to Do When People Irritate Us
041 Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

138: End the Year with Real Christmas Joy

Why joy is sometimes hard to find

Why then does joy seem so hard to find sometimes, even at Christmas and the days that follow?

In his book Christmas Joy, Mel Lawrenz writes,

Real joy never originates from within; it must come from without. Perhaps this is why so many of us have a difficult time finding joy at Christmas. Bite into a Christmas cookie and you might enjoy it. Open a shiny package and you might delight in what you find inside. But joy itself - true and pure - is so much more than enjoyment.

Joy is the startling realization that God has claimed territory in this world. He has taken back what belongs to him. Every day we can remind ourselves of this revelation - reignite this joy again and again. Joy is a thirst that doesn\\u2019t want to be quenched; a hunger that knows it will go on and on. It\\u2019s a good thing to never get enough of God.

He concludes with this prayer, Dear God, turn my fear into great joy.

A few years ago I talked in this podcast about an example of real Christmas joy coming from outside of ourselves, as Lawrenz puts it. It\\u2019s episode 006, \\u201cThe Gift of Joy - Part 2.\\u201d I\\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes. You can access it by going to johncertalic.com/006.

Summary of episode 006, The Gift of Joy - Part 2.

To summarize that episode, I talked about

• Melancholy Christmas carols
• Joy being more like a cat than it is a dog
• How joy often comes as a surprise
• The beauty found in several types of relationships brings joy
• Creating a welcoming place in our heart for joy to find us

For today, I want to comment further on the YouTube video I mentioned in that episode. It is of a flash mob in a food court from a shopping mall in Ontario, Canada. I\\u2019ll also have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, so you can watch it for yourself later. It\\u2019s really an uplifting piece and is only about 4 and \\xbd minutes long.

There is so much Christmas joy in that video that comes from outside of ourselves. In measured sequence, a group of people begin to stand up, and one by one start singing the \\u201cHallelujah Chorus\\u201d from Handel\\u2019s Messiah.

It\\u2019s a very moving piece and the local media outlet thought so too, as they ran filmed it and ran it on a local TV station that night. We learn later that the stunningly beautiful voices were from members of a church choir in the area.

Reactions to real Christmas joy

Here are a few quotes from people who watched on TV a replay of the live event

\\u201cI\\u2019m not a religious person, but I found this video to be beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes, well done!\\u201d

\\u201cYou can clearly see people crying\\u2026 This is the most intense video I have ever seen on YouTube\\u201d

\\u201cI was deeply touched by this great performance.\\u201d

\\u201cJust watching the video nearly moves me to tears.\\u201d

\\u201cEvery time I watch this I get the holy goosebumps and tears in my eyes. So powerful! THANK YOU!! and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!\\u201d

\\u201cI haven\\u2019t been to Mass in years, and I\\u2019m bawling my eyes out right now.\\u201d

\\u201cI watch this recording over and over again, because of its overwhelming impact. The happiness on the faces of those people performing, but also to those listening!\\u201d

\\u201cThough I am an atheist, yet I find myself coming back to this video over and over again. I love beautiful music and even more, I love seeing people enjoy it. I think this is wonderful!!\\u201d

Words of joy

The sacrifice this church choir made on a Saturday to entertain and bless strangers in a shopping mall is a thing of beauty. They brought real Christmas joy to unsuspecting shoppers, and in return experienced it for themselves.

The joy on the faces of the singers was palpable. You can tell from their expression the choir actually believed what they were singing. Their voices connected with their hearts, and with the hearts of the people watching

The words they sang are quite simple:

There\\u2019s the phrase repeated in Latin, translated as \\u201cThe kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and his Christ\\u201d

And He shall reign forever and ever

King of kings forever, Hallelujah

Lord of hosts

Lord of lords, Hallelujah

Handel is masterful in using just a few words from the last book in the Bible to create joy. He weaves lyrics together with beautiful melodies, bringing hope that there is a future for all of us outside of ourselves.

That the difficulties of this life will vanish one day, and that because of the king of kings and Lord of lords, You and I can begin living as God originally intended for all mankind. Forever and ever. That is real Christmas joy to end the year. And we found it in a food court in a shopping mall in Ontario Canada, of all places.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Our fallen world makes it hard at times to see the real Christmas joy God gives us through his son Jesus. But if we\\u2019re open to finding it in unusual places it will show up sometimes in surprising ways. It may even come when we\\u2019re scared, as it did for the Shepherds in the Christmas story. Or in a food court at a shopping mall

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s show.

Closing

In closing, this episode concludes season six of You Were Made for This. Season Seven starts next week.

To end the year with real Christmas joy I encourage you again to click on the two links at the end of the show notes to get the full flavor of what I\\u2019ve been talking about. Both the food court flash mob on YouTube, and then episode 006, \\u201cThe Gift of Joy - Part 2\\u201d

Thanks so much for listening in. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act and to be on the watch for real Christmas joy throughout the year. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. See you next year, next season, next week, next Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Happy New Year, one and all!

More to Listen to

Christmas Food Court Flash Mob 2010

Episode 006, \\u201cThe Gift of Joy - part 2\\u201d

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

137: Bonus Episode - The Christmas Story for 2021

She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

An angel of the Lord appears

That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord\\u2019s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. \\u201cDon\\u2019t be afraid!\\u201d he said.

\\u201cI bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior\\u2014yes, the Messiah, the Lord\\u2014has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.

\\u201cSuddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others \\u2014 the armies of heaven\\u2014praising God and saying, \\u201cGlory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.\\u201d

Enter the Shepherds

When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, \\u201cLet\\u2019s go to Bethlehem! Let\\u2019s see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.\\u201d

They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child.

All who heard the shepherds\\u2019 story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them.

~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV)

Merry Christmas, everyone.

____________________

I hope you enjoyed hearing or reading the Christmas Story one more time. Here are other episodes about Christmas from our podcast library you may listen to or read.

A Christmas Gift of Silence, episode 80

The Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, episode 81

A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, episode 82

The Best Christmas Gift - Be With People in Community, episode 83

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

136: Make it a Mary Christmas this Year

The first Christmas

Most of you know the story pretty well from the Bible. Joseph and Mary are in Bethlehem to be counted for a census. Mary is about to give birth, but there\\u2019s no lodging available. The town is packed with visitors.

Tradition has it that Jesus was born in a stable because Luke\\u2019s gospel makes reference to Jesus lying in a manager. What\\u2019s more likely though, is that he was born in one of the many shallow caves all around Bethlehem. I was there in the \\u201880s on a Holy Land tour and saw several. Plenty of room for the manger, but the shepherds who visited probably gathered around the entrance to the small cave.

All of this is the backdrop to the climax of the story, where in Luke 2:19, we find this most soothing and reflective description of Mary,

\\u2026But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

I\\u2019m convinced that if we viewed our Christmas as Mary viewed hers, our hearts would be as calm as hers. Instead of a M-e-r-r-y Christmas, we can have a M-a-r-y Christmas.

Mary observes

To make it a Mary Christmas we start by observing, as Mary did. I can picture her taking note of the humble housing her baby, the son of God, is been born into. So in keeping with Mary\\u2019s own humble origins.

Being a first-time mother, I imagine she observed a sense of inadequacy within herself. On the one hand, \\u201chow am I going to do this? I\\u2019ve never been a mother before?\\u201d And on the other hand, \\u201cI know I can count on God to show me how to do this. After all, this story is not about me; it\\u2019s about him.\\u201d

As any mother would, Mary watches her baby, and those relating to him. There\\u2019s her husband Joseph. This good man who led her on the 95-mile journey on foot from Nazareth to Bethlehem.

Then there were the shepherds who came in from the fields excited to see what the angels told them would be lying in a manger. The word \\u201cbut\\u201d in \\u201c\\u2026 but Mary\\u201d, indicates a contrast between her and the shepherds. How different they are from her. She\\u2019s a city girl, while they are people of the land. They live outside, she lives inside.

A Mary Christmas includes everyone

The shepherds were strangers to Mary. They left their sheep in the fields to go see what the angel described to them that they would find in the manger

The shepherds were more the extroverted types, telling people in Bethlehem what the angels told them and what they saw, both from the \\u201cgreat company of angels\\u201d and what they saw in the manger.

Mary gives a more measured and introverted response in her \\u201ctreasuring up\\u201d and \\u201cpondering\\u201d about the birth of Jesus. How wonderful of God to use people so different from each other to further his purposes. Extroverts and introverts, and all people in-between, have a place at the table when it comes to praising God for sending his son Jesus to save us all.

I wonder about you? What are you observing concerning Christmas this year? Is there anything new that God might want you to notice? Anything external in the world around you? Anything internal within your mind and heart.

Mary reflects

Having made observations around her and within her, Mary reflects. As Luke puts it, she \\u2026 treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart..

What are \\u201call these things\\u201d that she treasured and pondered?

For starters, I imagine Mary treasured the time when the angel came to tell her she was going to give birth to Jesus, and all the implications of this miracle. And now what Gabriel told her has now come to pass.

Another thing I suspect she treasured was going to see her Aunt Elizabeth and what Mary shared with her at the beginning of her pregnancy and the end of Elizabeth\\u2019s. The three months they spent together were priceless.

And then, how could she not reflect on the joy she feels having just given birth to Jesus? And the joy of being used by God to channel this great blessing into the whole world.

I bet she also treasured and pondered all the possibilities of what\\u2019s going to happen next, not just for her personally, but for the rest of humanity.

How about you? What does your Christmas cause you to reflect upon? Looking back in God\\u2019s involvement in your life, what can you treasure and think about? What could be the possible opportunities in your near and distant future you can treasure?

Mary acted

Finally, notice the action words in Luke\\u2019s description, two verb phrases in

\\u2026But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

\\u201cTreasure up\\u201d and \\u201cponder in one\\u2019s heart.\\u201d

What action could God be calling you to engage in, as Mary did?

What would you do well to "treasure up?\\u201d Are there things you could ponder in your heart?

To take action like this might mean finding a quiet place and just sitting and thinking about the important things of life. To an outside observer it may appear you\\u2019re doing nothing. Just sitting there staring off into space. But in actuality it could be the most important action you take all day.

The best Christmas gift

Like Mary, we can act by reflecting not only about what we love and appreciate about God, but also about what God thinks of us. I love this quote by Andrew Farley I came across recently,

\\u201cIf there was one Christmas gift I could give all of us is, it would be the gift of knowing Jesus delights in you.\\u201d

I don\\u2019t think we do enough of this, pondering what God thinks about us. Imagine a God who loves us so much he sent his son away for 33 years to pay the penalty for something we did. 33 years of voluntary separation because of his love for all of us.

This is something we would do well to think about often and reflect upon in our hearts as Mary did. It would be good preparation for heaven, where we have no to-do lists. Nothing to accomplish, nothing to get done so we can move on to the next thing. Where we are never bored. Where our time will be taken up with marveling at all the wonders of God in its many manifestations.

Taking action like this will give us a glimpse of heaven every now and then and give us something to look forward to. And it will certainly help to make it a Mary Christmas this year.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

To have a merry Christmas this year, make it a Mary Christmas. Do what she did. Observe what\\u2019s happening in and around you. Reflect upon the meaning of what you see. And then act by pondering the joy of God entering into our world to save us from ourselves. This will guarantee you a Merry/Mary Christmas for sure.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to observe, reflect, and act. It\\u2019s one important way you can find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

One thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. But for now, Mary Christmas to all of you.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1

135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy

131: Thankful to Be the Person God Created Us to Be

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills. You can support what we do with a secure, tax-deductible donation when you click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy

Joseph - silent night personified

One of the most intriguing characters in the Christmas story is Joseph, the husband of Mary and earthly father of Jesus.

He plays such an important role in the biblical account of the birth of Jesus, yet we know so little about him. Joseph isn\\u2019t mentioned at all in Mark\\u2019s gospel. In the other gospel accounts he is briefly mentioned a few times in conjunction with Mary, as \\u201cJesus\\u2019 parents.\\u201d

In John\\u2019s gospel, Jesus is referred to on two occasions as \\u201cthe son of Joseph.\\u201d

I find Joseph intriguing because nowhere do we find him saying anything. He says nothing. Not one word. He\\u2019s the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament.

Yet Joseph doesn\\u2019t have to say anything for us to learn qualities from him we can take on as our own to bring joy to others and ourselves this Christmas season. Listen in to learn how.

What Luke\\u2019s Gospel tells us about Joseph

In Luke\\u2019s gospel, which has the most detailed description of the birth of Jesus, Joseph is mentioned 5 times.

We learn from Luke that Joesph, a descendant of King David, is engaged to be married to Mary, and at the time is living in the village of Nazareth in Galilee. Luke tells us Joseph was present at the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem when the shepherds arrived to worship the Christ child. Later, Joseph and Mary presented Jesus together in the temple as the religious law required.

This is all that is mentioned about Joseph in Luke\\u2019s gospel.

Joseph In the Gospel of Matthew

We learn the most about Joseph in Matthew\\u2019s gospel, where he is referenced 10 different times.

We learn that Joseph\\u2019s father is a man by the name of Jacob, which of course makes him the paternal grandfather of Jesus. I wonder who the maternal grandfather is, Mary\\u2019s father. Can you picture Jesus with his grandfather? It\\u2019s a bit of a stretch for me.

Here\\u2019s how Matthew begins the story of Christ\\u2019s birth. He writes:

This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph, her fianc\\xe9, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.

Joseph\\u2019s character

I\\u2019m struck by Luke\\u2019s description of Joseph as simply, he was a \\u201cgood man.\\u201d Not a great man. Not a wonderful man, nor an awesome man. Just a \\u201cgood man.\\u201d There is power in the simplicity of that one-word adjective, the only adjective used to describe Joseph - good. It carries a lot of weight, especially in today\\u2019s culture where we give out superlatives like water from a fire hydrant.

When we\\u2019re at a restaurant and the waitress asks what we want to drink and we tell her a glass of water is all we want and she replies, \\u201cAwesome. I\\u2019ll go get that and come back to take your order.\\u201d This is not awesome. If this is really awesome, what word do we use to describe the Grand Canyon, childbirth, or God himself? These are what are truly awesome.

\\u201cGood\\u201d is a really good word. Don\\u2019t you admire a \\u201cgood\\u201d man? I do. I would love to be known as a good man. My son is a good man; so is our daughter\\u2019s husband. He\\u2019s a good man. My grandsons are on their way to being known as good men. Good is good enough.

I hope you take note of the good men in your life. Appreciate them. And if you\\u2019re a man, be a good one. Be a good man.

What a good man does

Joseph shows us that part of being a good man is being kind to those who hurt you. Imagine for a minute you\\u2019re Joseph and your fianc\\xe9 tells you she\\u2019s pregnant and you know you\\u2019re not the father. How would you feel? Mary must have explained to him what the angel Gabriel told her, but from the text we can see that Joseph didn\\u2019t believe her at first. He was ready to break off the engagement. I can just imagine him feeling betrayed and thinking:

\\u201cHere I\\u2019ve been pure in my relationship with Mary, but she goes off and gets pregnant by another guy, and then expects me to believe this wild and crazy story that the baby is from the Holy Spirit. And then she says he is going to be the Messiah our people have been waiting centuries for? What are people going to think when this gets out? Mary has gone off the deep end with this explanation.\\u201d

In the midst of feeling like this, Joseph, being the good man that he is, doesn\\u2019t want to humiliate Mary with a public end to their engagement, so he decides to end it quietly. He doesn\\u2019t want the problem to be any worse than it already is. He does what good men do, he doesn\\u2019t let the betrayal he feels come out as anger at Mary. Joseph plans to do what\\u2019s best for her, even though he\\u2019s got to feel torn up inside.

The gospel writer Matthew continues the story like this

As he [Joseph] considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. \\u201cJoseph, son of David,\\u201d the angel said, \\u201cdo not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife. But he did not have sexual relations with her until her son was born. And Joseph named him Jesus. Matthew 1:18-25

A Good man listens to God

I love this part of the Christmas story because it shows another aspect of being a \\u201cgood man.\\u201d Joseph was willing to change his mind. He was willing to be open to something different than his initial, but understandable, knee-jerk reaction. It so reminds me of the profound but simple advice my first boss out of college gave me and all the new teachers at the school where I taught: never fall in love with your own idea. Joseph didn\\u2019t fall in love with his own idea of breaking off the engagement with Mary.

Instead, he listened to God who used an angel to speak to him in a dream that what Mary told him about her pregnancy is completely true. It\\u2019s like the angel is saying, \\u201cYou can believe her, Joseph, she is the woman you always thought she was, in fact, she\\u2019s better than what you thought she was by virtue of the assignment God is giving her, and you, too, Joseph. You are definitely marrying up.\\u201d

There is a cost to believe and trust

There is a cost to Joseph in choosing to believe God and trust Mary. Other people they know in Nazareth aren\\u2019t going to believe the supernatural when it runs counter to the natural. That\\u2019s how many people are. So Joseph is opening himself up to criticism in taking Mary as his wife.

But a good man, as Joseph is, doesn\\u2019t let Mary be the sole target of criticism. He joins her in believing God together, regardless of what his parents, her parents, all the relatives, and all the people in town think. They are in this together.

This is what good men do. They protect their wives as best they can. They don\\u2019t let them go through difficulties alone. How about you? If you\\u2019re a man, to what extent are you protecting the women in your life?

A good man handles his emotions well

And another thing I love about this good man, Joseph, is how he handles his emotions. A lot of men have problems dealing with their emotions, but not Joseph from what we see in Matthews\'s account.

The angel tells him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife because everything she\\u2019s told you about her pregnancy is true. You can believe her. He pushed through his fear by believing God and trusting Mary, even though all outward indications were pointing in the opposite direction.

Later we see Joseph acting in spite of his fear when he and his little family are hiding from Herod in Egypt after Jesus is born.

A good man pushes through his fears

Herod eventually dies and an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him it\\u2019s safe to return to Israel. So Joseph gets up and takes Mary and Jesus back to Israel. He learns though, that Herod\\u2019s son has succeeded his father, and Joseph becomes fearful. But then he is warned in a dream and returns to Nazareth with Mary and Jesus anyway.

Joseph followed directions from God in spite of his fears. That\\u2019s what a good man does. He trusts God more than his emotions.

I think about the knee-jerk responses I sometimes have to events in my life, and how often they are proven not to be helpful. As much as possible, it is so much better to take our time in responding to our emotions, as Joseph did. I wonder about you. How relationally skilled are you in letting your emotions sit for a while before responding?

In Summary

Except for King Herod and his son Archelaus, Christmas is in part a story of good men doing their best to follow God. Zechariah, wise men from the East, shepherds tending their flocks, Simeon, and of course, Joseph.

Good men who listen and obey God. Who protect the weak and vulnerable. Good men who function largely in the background to support the unfolding of God\'s redeeming story He brings into the world through \\u2026 one woman.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

A good man is hard to find. But Christmas reminds us that good men like Joseph are out there, often in the background, not saying much. Their character and behavior tell us more than their words. Look for them. Be like them.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect, as Joseph did, and then act by obeying what God wants from you. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week, with one more relationship story before Christmas. Until then, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy

004: The Gift of Even Though

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills. You can support what we do with a secure, tax-deductible donation when you click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy

So it is with all the trappings of Christmas. This type of Christmas joy is all about reliving nostalgia for a brief time. Then it\\u2019s gone. Because so very little of the cultural customs of Christmas have anything at all to do with Jesus.

There\\u2019s a better kind of Christmas joy though. The joy found in relationships brought together by a relationship with Jesus. Today\\u2019s episode is an example. So keep listening.

The backstory of the Christmas story continues

Last week we started a December series on what we can learn from the relationships that make up the back story to the Christmas story. In that episode, no. 133, A Jewish priest by the name of Zechariah modeled for us several helpful relationship principles. I\\u2019ll have a link to that episode in the show notes, or you can just go to johncertalic.com/133 to listen or read about it later.

Today, though, we look at another Christmas backstory relationship between two unlikely characters. What we see in their relationship will give us some ideas we can use to enhance our own relationships.

God sends an angel

We pick up the story of this unlikely relationship in the first chapter of the Gospel of Luke. The first person in this relationship is Zechariah\\u2019s wife, Elizabeth. He describes her as \\u201cwell along in years\\u201d and who has never been able to conceive a child. She is now 6 months pregnant when the apostle Luke introduces us to the 2nd person in this relationship with this:

\\xa0\\u2026 God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee, to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. Gabriel appeared to her and said, \\u201cGreetings,favored woman! The Lord is with you!

Gabriel is the same angel that appeared to Zechariah to tell him that despite his advanced age, his equally aged-wife Elizabeth would give birth to a son who would become John the Baptist. We learn from Luke\\u2019s account that

Mary is in a relationship with this man Joseph. They\\u2019re engaged to be married. We\\u2019ll talk about him in a future episode. There is a better kind of Christmas joy in that story too.

Mary\\u2019s reaction to the news she receives

For now, though, we see Gabriel greeting Mary, declaring she is a favored woman and that the Lord is with her. Her response and interaction with Gabriel illustrate a high degree of relational intelligence we can learn from.

Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean.

Mary deals with her emotional state by using her mind to process what she just experienced with this greeting from an angel. She tried to think of the implications of what just happened. Mary uses the cognitive ability God created her with to listen to what her emotions are trying to tell her.

Mary doesn\\u2019t just feel. Feelings are intended to lead us to think. Feelings are not the end game. They are a means to an end - understanding what is true at the moment we feel.

Gabriel is sensitive enough to pick up on Mary\'s emotional state. He starts by giving a name to her confused and disturbed condition: fear. And then tells her not to be afraid.

"Don\\u2019t be afraid, Mary,\\u201d the angel told her

Dealing with fear

Many times when we\\u2019re confused and disturbed it is because we\\u2019re afraid of something. Try this out; the next time you\\u2019re interacting with someone who\\u2019s confused and disturbed, ask yourself, \\u201cI wonder what they might be afraid of?\\u201d The next time you feel this way, try asking yourself the same question, \\u201cWhat am I fearing?\\u201d
Now if Gabriel were to stop here, he could actually have made things worse with his \\u201cdon\\u2019t be afraid\\u201d comment. This comment, without any explanation, could serve to minimize and discount Mary\'s fear.

But Gabriel doesn\\u2019t do this. Instead, he gives her reasons why she doesn\\u2019t need to be afraid. He gives Mary facts, information to address her fears. He points out what reality is going to be for her in the future. Gabriel gives her a vision for what her role will be in advancing God\\u2019s plan. He says \\u201cdon\\u2019t be afraid\\u2026

for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!

Mary asked the angel, \\u201cBut how can this happen? I am a virgin.\\u201d

It helps to talk it out

I love how Mary deals with her confusion and disturbed state. She talks about her feelings with someone. She talks with God\\u2019s representative. Mary goes to the source of her confusion and fear. What a great example for all of us when we are confused and afraid. Talk to God about it.

She doesn\\u2019t ignore her emotions. Mary uses them for the purpose God designed them. Namely, to try and figure out what is causing the emotion. What are my emotions trying to tell me? What is going on that I need to be aware of? It\\u2019s a cognitive act.

Mary asks for more information in order to understand her feelings. Sometimes all we need to ease our fears is to just ask questions of those who have the facts. Especially when our experience flies in the face of what we know to be true, as in Mary\\u2019s case. Virgins don\\u2019t give birth to babies.

Back to the story of Christmas Joy

The angel replied, \\u201cThe Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.

Gabriel gives her 3 facts to answer her question of \\u201cHow can this be?

1.The Holy Spirit will come upon you,
2. The power of the Most High will overshadow you.
3. The baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.

This is an important relationship lesson. Some people just need a lot of information to allay any fears they may have. Gabriel continues:

But wait! There\\u2019s more to this story of Christmas joy

What\\u2019s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she has conceived a son and is now in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.

Imagine what Elizabeth must have experienced coming out of 5 months of seclusion from her pregnancy. \\u201cWhere was she?\\u201d, the townspeople must have wondered. Then when they see her, \\u201cBoy, it looks like old Elizabeth has put on a lot of weight.\\u201d

Here Gabriel tells Mary she isn\\u2019t the only one involved in this story, that Elizabeth is involved in part of it, too. In essence, he\\u2019s telling Mary that God is doing something that looks to be impossible with her relative too, just like he is doing with her. You\\u2019re in this together with her, Mary.

Mary responded, \\u201cI am the Lord\\u2019s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.\\u201d And then the angel left her.

I love the phrase, \\u201cI am the Lord\\u2019s servant.\\u201d Mary sees her role is to serve God\\u2019s plan. Not for God to serve hers.
I wonder in what way God wants you to be his servant? Some people will bristle at the thought, I know. But when you get right down to it, our life is not our own. Back to the story.

Mary visits Elizabeth

A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. At the sound of Mary\\u2019s greeting, Elizabeth\\u2019s child leaped for joy within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

This raises several questions for me. What about Mary\\u2019s parents? How did they respond to their daughter suddenly taking off for 3 months to visit Elizabeth? Did she tell them what Gabriel told her? What about her fianc\\xe9, Jospeh? How did he feel about her being gone for so long? We know from Matthew\\u2019s gospel account that he was ready to break off the engagement when he learned Mary was pregnant.

Back to Luke\\u2019s account of a better kind of Christmas Joy

Mary enters the home of Zechariah and Elizabeth, then

Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, \\u201cGod has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.\\u201d

Elizabeth\\u2019s character

Elizabeth is such an intriguing character. Unlike her husband Zechariah, she doesn\\u2019t doubt God when she learns she will become pregnant in her old age. She doesn\\u2019t question the meaning behind what God is doing, like Mary wonders. Elizabeth just basks in the joy of her childless shame being taken from her, and the joy of her connection with Mary and being a blood relative to Jesus the Messiah. Her baby jumps for joy literally in her womb because Elizabeth is jumping for joy figuratively.

Notice how their meeting begins, old Elizabeth is six months pregnant which must have been an astonishing sight to see. Her pregnancy is a miracle that has already happened, but instead of talking about that, Elizabeth talks about the miracle yet to come for Mary, giving birth to Jesus. She puts her full focus on Mary and says nothing about herself.

Be a friend like Elizabeth

Wouldn\\u2019t it be great if we all had a friend like that? Someone whose first thought is to share in the joy of what you are experiencing, rather than to begin talking about her own joy? What a great relationship example here.

Another thing Elizabeth does is she finds joy in what is going to happen in the future. This is a better Christmas joy than the joy focused on what has come before. And it\\u2019s joy rooted in God\\u2019s unfolding plan to expand his kingdom. That\\u2019s real joy. A better Christmas joy. The best Christmas joy.

Finally, I wonder if Elizabeth\\u2019s last comment to Mary, You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said. I wonder if this is a bit of a dig at her husband Zechariah who did not initially believe the Lord would do as he said? Maybe he was in the same room or in proximity to overhear his wife\\u2019s comment to Mary. Maybe just a bit of banter going on between the two of them. We don\\u2019t know.

The Magnificat: Mary\\u2019s Song of Praise

In this moment of shared joy with Elizabeth, Mary responds by praising God from the depth of her being. She gives voice to a better kind of Christmas joy than most of us experience on Christmas day. Here\\u2019s what she said:

\\u2026. Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.\\u2028 How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!\\u2028 For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,\\u2028 and from now on all generations will call me blessed.\\u2028 For the Mighty One is holy,\\u2028 and he has done great things for me.\\u2028 He shows mercy from generation to generation\\u2028\\xa0 to all who fear him.\\u2028 His mighty arm has done tremendous things!\\u2028\\xa0 He has scattered the proud and haughty ones.\\u2028 He has brought down princes from their thrones\\u2028\\xa0 and exalted the humble.\\u2028 God has filled the hungry with good things\\u2028 and sent the rich away with empty hands.\\u2028 He has helped his servant Israel\\u2028 and remembered to be merciful.\\u2028 For he made this promise to our ancestors,\\u2028 to Abraham and his children forever.\\u201d

In her praise to God, she derives joy in thinking about all the great things he has done for her, but mostly joy in remembering all the great things God has done for humanity. He scatters the proud and elevates the humble. He meets the needs of the poor and sends the rich away empty-handed.

Clearly, God plays a central part in the connection Mary has with her elderly relative Elizabeth.

What about You?

What part does God play in your relationship with people?\\xa0 Does God play a part in a relationship with you?

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

A better kind of Christmas joy comes our way when we focus on the great things God has done for us personally, the people we know and love, and for all of mankind.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and act by nurturing the better kind of Christmas joy found in our relationship with Jesus, and with each other. You can do this, you know because You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week about another important relationship we see in the Christmas story. See you next week.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

045: Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made

133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story

The problem with Christmas

Here we are on the first of December, and I\\u2019ve got Christmas on my mind. I bet some of you do, too. One of my Christmas memories that resurfaced recently is the time years ago when the pastor of the church we were attending didn\\u2019t preach anything at all about the Christmas story, until the last Sunday before Christmas. And even then it was just a tip of the hat with some cursory acknowledgment of the event. We didn\\u2019t even sing any of the beautiful Christmas carols people have sung for centuries. I was disappointed. Something was missing.

Yet in some ways I could understand the pastor. For several years I facilitated a mastermind group for pastors and they talked about how challenging it was to preach sermons about Christmas. It was hard to come up with something new, something creative, something they and others have not already said.I spoke about this in episode 80, A Christmas Gift of Silence.

Imagine you\\u2019re 50 years old and have been preaching since you were 25, that\\u2019s 25 Christmas sermons. And not just Christmas Day, or the Sunday before, but all of December. 4 times 25 is 100 Christmas sermons. A good math problem for a 3rd-grade homeschooler. I can see why pastors might find it hard to preach about Christmas if they feel they have to come up with something fresh and creative.

Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story

In my view though, Christmas is not something to be creative about. Hip-hop, rap, or bluegrass Christmas carols just ruin it for me. Be creative about Lent, but please, not Christmas.

If I were a pastor, I would preach about the relationships we see in the back story to Christmas story. They are the backstory to the main story of Christmas, Jesus entering the human race to reconcile all of us to himself. That\\u2019s what I would do if were a pastor. Maybe that\\u2019s why the offers to be one have not exactly poured in (or maybe they don\\u2019t have my address or phone number).

You could make a case that the back story to Christmas starts in the Garden of Eden, where the coming of Jesus is foretold in Genesis 3:15. But for our purposes, we\\u2019ll jump in where the apostle Luke picks things up closer to the actual birth of Christ.

In leading up to the main story of Jesus\\u2019 birth, there is an interesting cast of characters who illustrate relationship principles we can all benefit from. Things that could get us through the holidays in good spirits. Lessons about relating to each other, relating to our own self, and most importantly, relating to God. So that\\u2019s what we\\u2019ll be doing today, and for the rest of the weeks leading up to Christmas. Stay tuned to give a listen.

The cast of characters in the Christmas story

From Luke\\u2019s gospel, where we find the most detail of the Christmas story, we see references to 7 individual people, 2 separate angels, a large group of townspeople, a small group of shepherds, an army of angels, and of course, Jesus as a baby. Quite a cast of characters. No wonder the Christmas story was the subject of so many grade school plays in years gone by; the whole school could have a part.

Zechariah

For today though, Let\\u2019s just focus on one character. I\\u2019m going to go with Zechariah. From the first chapter of Luke\\u2019s gospel, we know that Zechariah is

• A Jewish priest
• Righteous in God\\u2019s eyes, \\u201ccareful to obey all the Lord\'s commandments and regulations\\u201d
• Old, married to an old wife, with no children

He was the subject of episode 80 that I mentioned before, and I\\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.

I have a few more thoughts about him today, specifically to see what we can learn from watching how he relates to other people, himself, and God. It\\u2019s the Observe skill we\\u2019ve been talking about this year.

Zechariah\\u2019s relational moments

In observing Zechariah\\u2019s relational moments in the back story to the Christmas story, we first see him becoming fearful when he encounters an angel in the sanctuary of the temple in Jerusalem.

The angel is Gabriel and he tells him his elderly wife is going to get pregnant and give birth to a son after all these years of no children. He tells Zechariah the wonderful plans God has for his son, who is to be called \\u201cJohn.\\u201d Gabriel shares the very significant role his son will have in carrying out God\\u2019s plan.

In spite of this wonderful news, Zechariah doubts the angel and God who sent him. He wants certainty about the words from God. \\u201cHow can I be sure this will happen?\\u201d, he says (Luke 1:18).

We\\u2019re like this sometimes when we doubt God. It\\u2019s another way of saying \\u201cI don\\u2019t know if I can trust God.\\u201d That\\u2019s what we\\u2019re really doubting, our trust in God. Our need for certainty exposes our lack of trust.

Later in the Christmas story, we see Mary in a similar situation as Zechariah when Gabriel tells her she is going to give birth to Jesus the Messiah. Mary asks, \\u201d But how can this happen? I am a virgin.\\u201d (Luke 1:34) Unlike Zechariah, her response isn\\u2019t doubt or lack of trust; it\\u2019s wanting to understand the process, the next step. She\\u2019s not looking for \\u201chow can I be sure\\u201d like Zechariah is.

When we don\\u2019t trust God there can be negative consequences, as there was for Zechariah. Gabriel tells him that because he doesn\\u2019t believe him, he won\\u2019t be able to talk until his son is born. Nine months of silence from Zechariah\\u2019s lips.

Fortunately for Zechariah, and for us, God\\u2019s discipline isn\\u2019t a death sentence. It doesn\\u2019t last forever. God doesn\\u2019t give up on Zechariah, and he doesn\\u2019t give up on you and me either.

Visit from a relative

The next relational interaction we observe with Zechariah occurs when he receives Mary, the soon-to-be mother of Jesus, into his home with his wife Elizabeth for a three-month visit. This is after Gabriel tells Mary she is to give birth to Jesus and at the same time, he says that her relative Elizabeth is also pregnant.

Some scholars think Elizabeth is Mary\\u2019s aunt [pronounced \\u201cant\\u2019], other scholars think she is Mary\\u2019s aunt [pronounced \\u201cAuh-nt\\u201d]. And still other theologians speculate that Mary is Elizabeth\\u2019s niece. We\\u2019ll let the scholars and theologians battle that out. It keeps them employed and off the dole.

I find it interesting that the text says Mary went to where Zechariah lived, not where Elizabeth lived. (Luke 1:39 and 56).

What a kind gesture for Zechariah to have his routine interrupted with a visit from a relative who stays three months. He and Mary must have had a good relationship for this to occur. Zechariah may have had a sense that Mary\\u2019s visit would be good for his elderly pregnant wife, Elizabeth.

Have you ever had people outside of your family move in to live with you for any length of time? Janet and I have done this a number of times. It\\u2019s an interruption to be sure. And some guests are more high maintenance than others. But in all the instances I can remember, we gained more than we gave up. You might want to try it sometime.

What will the neighbors think?

Another relational lesson we learn from Zechariah comes up when his son is born. Neighbors and relatives want the baby to be named after his father, but very forcefully Zechariah communicates in writing, \\u201cHis name is John,\\u201d which at that point his speech finally returns, just as Gabriel said it would (Luke 1:63).

It takes strength of character to go against the preferences of neighbors, friends, and relatives. And against tradition. But Zechariah did. He obeyed God, rather than man. And sometimes that\\u2019s difficult. It was for Zechariah back then, and it\\u2019s true for us now.

Sometimes when we obey God, we may disappoint important people in our life. But doing what God wants us to do always trumps pleasing people. God is not a fan of people pleasers. This is a great lesson in relating to God and other people. It\'s an important part of the back story to the Christmas story.

Zechariah\\u2019s first words after nine months of silence

We also learn some relational lessons from Zechariah when his speech returns after his son John is born. Zechariah could have complained about his punishment of silence. Instead, he took his discipline from God like a man. He realized he was wrong for doubting God, and accepted the consequences.

When Zechariah\\u2019s speech finally returns he puts his past doubts about God to rest. He moves forward praising God with a prophecy as his very first words:

"Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has visited and redeemed his people. He has sent us a mighty Savior from the royal line of his servant David, just as he promised through his holy prophets long ago.

\\u201cNow we will be saved from our enemies and from all who hate us. He has been merciful to our ancestors by remembering his sacred covenant--
the covenant he swore with an oath to our ancestor Abraham.

\\u201cWe have been rescued from our enemies so we can serve God without fear,
in holiness and righteousness for as long as we live.\\u201d (Luke 1:67-75)

You and I have the same opportunity as Zechariah. We can either use God\\u2019s discipline to push us away from Him or to draw us closer to Him. The choice is ours.

A Father casts a vision for his son

Besides this lesson, there\\u2019s that moment when Zechariah looks down at his new-born son and says to him:

"And you, my little son, will be called the prophet of the Most High, because you will prepare the way for the Lord. You will tell his people how to find salvation through forgiveness of their sins.

\\u201cBecause of God\'s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.\\u201d Luke 1:76-79

I love how tender Zechariah is with his baby, when he turns his attention from praising God, to casting a vision for his little boy. There\\u2019s no reason men can\\u2019t be tender with their babies. Don\\u2019t leave the nurturing to just mothers. Bless your children and give them a vision for what they can become, Just like Zechariah did.

A place in history

Besides Zechariah\\u2019s relationship with people and with God, I so appreciate how he recognizes his place in history and his role in advancing God\\u2019s story of redemption. Like millions before him, he has been waiting for the Messiah.

But now, as crazy as it seemed to him, Zechariah has been given a supporting role in the birth and parenting of a boy who one day will become John the Baptist. And John himself will play a major supporting role in preparing the way for Jesus in bringing the good news of the Gospel to the world. These important relationships are the back story to the Christmas story.

You know, we all have the opportunity to play a role in advancing God\\u2019s kingdom. Jesus is the lead actor in God\\u2019s great drama; that\\u2019s his role. He\\u2019s the star. But he wants us on stage with him as supporting actors. What a great privilege. I wonder what your role is? If you\\u2019re not sure how to answer this, I bet if you were to ask Jesus he would show you the supporting part he wants you to play.

And one final thing about Zechariah and his relationship with his son. His boy, who grows to be John the Baptist, becomes more of an influencer than he does. John impacts more people in telling them about Jesus than the role God called his father to play. And from what we know of Zechariah, I\\u2019m sure he\\u2019s perfectly fine with that.

May the same be true of all of us who have children. May we rejoice with them when their influence on God\\u2019s kingdom exceeds ours.

Here\\u2019s the big takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story The cast of characters interacting with each other gives us role models we can follow. They teach us how to relate with each other, with ourselves, and with God. Let\\u2019s pay attention to them.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect on the supporting role God is calling you to play in his grand design for the human race. And then to play it out the best you can, for as you know, You Were Made for This.

Lastly, one thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when we look at another relationship interaction in the back story to the Christmas story. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to

080: A Christmas Gift of Silence

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

132: Three Unusual Blessings to Be Thankful For

Many of us here in the US will sit down tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner. It\\u2019s custom in many homes to go around the table with each person expressing something they\\u2019ve been thankful for in the past year. One year when our kids were very little one of them blurted out \\u201cI\\u2019m thankful that when I say the number 7 I don\\u2019t explode.\\u201d Giggles would follow. It\\u2019s hard being thankful in the midst of giggling.

A more common response to what are you thankful for invokes family, friends, and good health. Not to minimize these blessings of gratitude, for today, though, I want to consider other blessings we can be thankful for that we rarely consider.

Black Friday and commerce

A few years ago a missionary serving overseas posted on Facebook her disgust with Black Friday and commercialism of life back in the US. She went on for several paragraphs chastising Americans for our materialism in no uncertain terms. Black Friday appalled her.

I\\u2019m no fan of materialism, but I\\u2019m a big fan of Black Friday.

The term \\u201cBlack Friday\\u201d came about to describe businesses that finally get out of the red for the year. It\\u2019s isn\\u2019t until shopping picks up after thanksgiving that they finally turn a profit and get into the black, where income (the black)starts to exceed expenses (the red). It\\u2019s sort of an accounting term.

If it weren\\u2019t for commerce, where would missionary support come from? Black Friday indirectly supports missionaries and the spread of the Gospel. It enables businesses to provide jobs for people that in turn provides income for people to support their families and support local and global ministries, like missions. So I say three cheers for Black Friday!

One Sunday several years ago Janet and I went to the church our executive producer Carol and her husband Terry attend. As part of the church service, they prayed for a local business. That it would be successful in serving its customers and providing jobs for people. What a wonderful outreach to the community, I thought.

Without Black Friday

• A single friend of ours living on social security we spoke to just recently would not have a seasonal job to supplement her meager government income
• Two of our grandsons would not be able to pick up additional hours at their part-time jobs to help pay for their college expenses
• People would have fewer opportunities to express one of the five love languages Gary Chapman writes about: Gifts. While some people undoubtedly shop for themselves on Black Friday, most shop for Christmas gifts for others. It\\u2019s about the love. Don\\u2019t you feel it?

Bethany Fellowship in Minneapolis

I wonder if the missionary I mentioned who blasted the consumer mentality of Americans knows the story of Bethany Fellowship in Minneapolis.

It was founded by five businessmen in 1945 with the vision of\\xa0sending and fully supporting 100 missionaries.
The families of these five businesspeople sold their homes and pooled their resources to acquire a common residence, a large, 30-room home in Minneapolis called \\u201cBethany House.\\u201d\\xa0They did this to reduce unnecessary work and expenses so more time and money would be available for working together to support sending missionaries to the mission field.

To fully support these missionaries they started several businesses, the most successful of which were Bethany camping trailers and Bethany House Publishers.

Bethany Global University is another of their initiatives. It prepares future missionaries to take the Gospel to the far corners of the world. All of this was started over 70 years ago by five businessmen.

It is a great story of using the world of commerce for Kingdom purposes.

It\\u2019s certainly out of the mainstream of what we normally give thanks for on Thanksgiving, but Black Friday and the world of commerce are certainly blessings to be thankful for.

Humor

In 1993 a great book came out that never really took off with readers. It should have. The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity by Steven and Sybil Wolin. It raises, then answers the question, \\u201cWhy do people who grow up with difficult childhoods often turn out so differently as adults?\\u201d Some become dysfunctional adults, while others thrive. In their research, they found that those who later thrive as adults do so because they develop one or more of seven resiliences. One of which is humor.

Humor got me through adolescence. I wasn\\u2019t a class clown; I didn\\u2019t entertain people with jokes. But I did find comfort in noticing incongruities in life, in puns, and satire.

My wife Janet and I went to high school together, and she was the co-editor of our high school newspaper. We weren\\u2019t dating at the time, but she saw my humor come out in the few classes we were in together. So she asked if I would write a column for the school paper, which I did for two years. \\u201cOff the Beaten Path\\u201d is what it was called. It was supposed to be funny. And sometimes it was.

I loved writing it and found it got my eyes off all the tension and dysfunction going on at home with my parents.

Humor is a tricky thing, though. It can connect us with one another, or it can separate us. Humor that comes out as silliness, sarcasm, or making fun of others pushes people away. And even good humor, when used too often, can draw undue attention to self, which bores people and distances us from each other.

You need humor in Africa

I learned about humor from a missionary\\u2019s perspective a number of years ago. It was on my first missions trip, which was to Mali in West Africa. Mali is where Timbuktu is located. One of the Missionaries there talked about the importance of language learning. If you don\\u2019t learn the native language well, he said, you\\u2019ll miss out on the humor of the culture. You\\u2019ll miss the puns. You\\u2019ll miss the jokes, he said. And you won\\u2019t fit into the culture.

When done well, humor is a blessing we can be thankful for. It brings us together when we laugh about shared experiences. A while back we were leaving church and while walking past cars in the parking lot saw a friend in her car who rolled down the window and began chatting with us. She started by saying, \\u201cDid you hear the news this morning? The CEO of Ikea was just elected president of Sweden?

\\u201cReally? No, I hadn\\u2019t heard that,\\u201d I said.

\\u201cYes, and he\\u2019s assembling his cabinet now.\\u201d She responded.

If I were to explain why that joke is funny it would take away from the humor. But in the days afterward, I re-told it to friends and family, and we shared a good laugh each time. It connected us.

So when I think about that particular Thanksgiving many years ago when our young son blurted out \\u201cI\\u2019m thankful that when I say the number 7 I don\\u2019t explode,\\u201d it reminds me of how parents can bless their children by helping to nurture in them a sense of humor.

So humor is the second blessing I\\u2019m thankful for. Here\\u2019s the third one.

Gracious and thankful people

Two months ago in September 2021, the Art Institute of Chicago fired all 82 of its docents because they were not diverse enough in the eyes of the museum\'s leadership. They were mostly older white women who volunteered their time to give guided tours of the Institute\\u2019s extensive art collection. They averaged 15 years of experience.

This prompted a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal by Lauren Arnold of Mountain View, CA. I\\u2019ll read part of her October 20th letter. She writes:

\\u201cThe foolish and shortsighted firings of volunteer docents at the Art Institute of Chicago will destroy decades of enlightened outreach to the public-school children of this major city [i.e., Chicago]. I know this because I owe my entire career as an art historian to the docents of the Art Institute of Chicago.

\\u201cMy parents never took us to art museums - \\u2018those are for rich people\\u2019 - so my first introduction to Chicago\\u2019s art treasures was on a 7th-grade public-school field trip, when our rowdy busload of racially diverse, working-class kids was met by a brave young docent who took us through the institute\\u2019s awe-inspiring galleries. I\\u2019ve never forgotten that day. It was akin to Harry Potter\\u2019s first visit to Hogwarts. We floated up the marble staircases gazing at the enormous paintings of Greek myths, and walked through galleries of Impressionist works beyond compare.

When it looks like no one listened

\\u201cOur docent told us: \\u2018You live in Chicago, so this is your art. This building and everything in it belongs to you. Like your library, you can come here anytime you want. All of this beauty belongs to you.\\u2019 At the end of our tour, she got us on our bus to the South Side and waved us a rueful goodbye. Her face showed that she already knew that not a single one of us had listened to her, that none of these kids cared.

\\u201cBut she was wrong: My 12-year-old self was listening and her words set me on a path that shaped my professional life. I credit the docent program of the Art Institute of Chicago, with its highly educated women volunteers, for providing this invaluable outreach to city kids, who never would have known it without them.

\\u201c\\u2026that day this volunteer was an intellectual wizard, pointing me toward a life beyond my childhood schooling in Chicago\\u2019s slums. She took us into one aspect of our civilizational past and made us heirs of the beauty of humanist culture.\\u201d

What a beautiful piece of writing that comes from the heart to express the writer\\u2019s deep gratitude for the passion a docent imparted to her 12-year-old self.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I wonder what are the unusual blessings you can be thankful for? What are the unremarkable things in your life, that if you reflect upon, will evoke gratitude?

I wonder how you might use humor to help you connect with people, and perhaps ease tension in a relationship.

And then there are the grateful people we are sometimes blessed to have in our life. People we just like to be around because they so appreciate the little and simple things of life. Maybe we could try to follow their example so that others are drawn to us as we become a blessing they can be thankful for.

If we ask Him, I bet God would show us how to do this.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

We enrich our lives when we take time to observe and reflect upon our experiences. When we do so we\\u2019ll more easily notice the blessings to be thankful for.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act by considering the blessings in your life to be thankful for. In doing so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

One thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and a rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. Happy Thanksgiving to all our American listeners. See you next week at the very beginning of December. Goodbye for now.

A related episode you may want to listen to

004: The Gift of Even Though

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

131: Thankful to Be the Person God Created Us to Be

3Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had previously had leprosy. While he was eating, a woman came in with a beautiful alabaster jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard. She broke open the jar and poured the perfume over his head.

4Some of those at the table [i.e, disciples of Jesus, mostly men, including Judas Iscariot] were indignant. "Why waste such expensive perfume?" they asked.5"It could have been sold for a year\'s wages and the money given to the poor!" So they scolded her harshly.

6But Jesus replied, "Leave her alone. Why criticize her for doing such a good thing to me? 7You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But you will not always have me.8She has done what she could and has anointed my body for burial ahead of time. 9I tell you the truth, wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman\'s deed will be remembered and discussed."

What caught my eye in this passage was the last line, 9\\u2026 this woman\'s deed will be remembered and discussed. I remembered this story, as I\\u2019ve read it a number of times, but don\\u2019t ever recall discussing it.

Two sisters, different from each other

\\u201cWho\\u2019s talking about this story?\\u201d I wondered.

I then looked at parallel accounts in the other gospels and found the same story in John 12: 1-8 and Matthew 26: 6-13. These two accounts mention the woman in the story is named Mary. She happens to be the sister of Martha, both of whom are sisters of Lazarus. And this is how I found out who\\u2019s talking about this woman\\u2019s story.

It\\u2019s other women who are talking.

Countless women\\u2019s bible studies talk about Mary and her sister, Martha. We learn in other places in the gospels that Martha is the practical, task-oriented one, while Mary is the relational more feelings oriented sensitive sister. They both are poster children for being the person God created them to be.

There have been a gazillion sermons preached about their relationship, about the priority Mary placed on worshiping Jesus and relating with others, while her sister is slaving away in the kitchen. These sermons always elevate Mary\'s values over Martha, which really is the main point of this particular story: that our worship and relationship with Jesus are far more far important than our to-do list and completing tasks. I get that.

But there is a secondary part of this story that focuses on the character and personality of Mary that I find both interesting and encouraging. In Mary, we see someone who has learned that we can be thankful to be the person God created us to be.

Created to be different

God created Mary to be different from her practical, task-oriented sister, Martha, and to be different from the mostly male disciples who were equally pragmatic and practical as Martha when it came to how they spent their money.

In relating with Jesus, Mary was being the person God created her to be. That doesn\\u2019t mean she didn\\u2019t have things to work on in her life. But she was reflecting the character of God well. She was reflecting the hierarchy of God\\u2019s values in the story I read from the Gospel of Mark. God certainly values feeding the poor and being wise with our finances. But He values worshiping and honoring His son more.

Mary was comfortable enough in her own skin to be the person God created her to be in the face of criticism from others. It\\u2019s one thing to face opposition from outsiders, it\\u2019s another thing to get it from within your own tribe. From people whose worldview and mission in life is the same as yours, as in Mary\\u2019s case with her fellow Jesus followers, the disciples.

Mary was not a people pleaser, she had to stand up to her sister, and also to the crowd of men who were in the same room as she was in this story. They were all on the same team, yet they had differing values. She must have beena sensitive, yet strong woman to stand up to the peer pressure from these male disciples.

When we\\u2019re not the person God created us to be

In reflecting upon this story, it occurred to me that the cost of not being who God created you to be is high. There\\u2019s a loss when you try to be someone else because who you really are is lost to the world. The contribution God intends for you to make to the world doesn\\u2019t happen when you\\u2019re busy trying to be someone you\\u2019re not.

People who could have been blessed when you be the person God created you to be, miss out on that blessing.

We create a fertile field of relational dysfunction when we choose not to be the person God created us to be. One way we do this is by selling ourselves short with self-limiting attitudes and behaviors. We impose restrictions on ourselves that God never intended. We say \\u201cno\\u201d more than \\u201cyes\\u201d to opportunities to stretch ourselves in becoming the person God created us to be.

Another way we create relational dysfunction for ourselves is when we don\\u2019t respect the limits God placed within us. It\\u2019s when we think we can do it all, where we say \\u201cyes\\u201d more than we say \\u201cno\\u201d to choices that come our way. We ignore the relational principle of every time we say \\u201cyes\\u201d to something we are saying \\u201cno\\u201d to something else. It\\u2019s when we become a people pleaser, thinking our job is to make people happy, even if it\\u2019s beyond the limits God has set for us to do so.

All this happens when we choose not to be the person God created us to be. It is a choice.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? I would start with the great quote from Oscar Wilde who said, \\u201cBe yourself; everyone else is taken.\\u201d

There\\u2019s too much pressure to live under when we feel we have to be someone we\\u2019re not. There\\u2019s great freedom and joy that comes from resting in the fact we can be the person God created us to be.

Like Mary in the story we read, we can be thankful we don\\u2019t have to be like other people. Even like those close to us like family members or people we work with. The only person we need to please is Jesus. And He will show us how to do so, which may be completely different than the way he shows other people.

As long as we\\u2019re all on the same page with Jesus, We don\\u2019t have to be like others. And others don\\u2019t have to be like us.

Oh, and one last thought. Let\\u2019s not be like the disciples in the story I read in the beginning. Don\\u2019t make it difficult for others to be the person God created them to be. Be their cheerleader instead.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

God created us in his image to reflect his character well, so be thankful we can be the person God created us to be, in whatever form that is.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect on how you can be thankful to be the person God created you to be. And also to consider how you can help others be the person God created them to be. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

129: Thankful We Don\\u2019t Always Have to be Right
130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People

First listener response

A listener in Virginia wrote after listening to that episode the following:

\\u201cHey John,
Great podcast this week (as always), but this one was nostalgic, bringing thoughts of my folks and how I couldn\\u2019t wait to see them my first Thanksgiving away from home.\\xa0 It seemed like a long semester and a long trip home (600 miles), but I remember my Mom fixed my favorite dishes, and my Dad was ready with lots of hugs and even more questions.\\xa0 He wanted to listen, and so did Mother!\\u201d

The show our listener is referring to was directed to the parents of a returning college student, while her response highlights the effect her parents\\u2019 welcoming had on her. They did it right. They created a great memory for her: favorite foods, lots of hugs, and listening, complete with many questions.

The listener is a personal friend of Janet and mine. To put her comments in context, our friend is many decades past her college years, yet this memory still sticks with her. I doubt if her parents gave any thought when they welcomed her daughter home from college for the first time that it would create such a lasting memory in her daughter. Knowing that her parents passed away within the past several years makes this all the more meaningful.

We can certainly be thankful we have the privilege of creating memories for people. The good ones, like this one, have a long shelf life

Second listener response

This one comes from our daughter Jennifer who lives in South Carolina. She wrote:

\\u201cI just saw this email [the one I send each Wednesday morning previewing that week\\u2019s episode], but you would\\xa0be happy to know that on Wednesday night when Tim [her husband our son-in-law] was driving to get Nathan [their son], I thought to put a pizza in the oven for when they got here. So when Nathan got home at 10:30 pm, a pizza was waiting for him.

\\u201cWe told him the last time he was home about this tradition you had started and how we wanted it to live on for him! So the legacy continues. Pizza upon arrival home from college!

\\u201cThanks for making my childhood (and into adulthood) so great!. I love you\\u2026\\u201d

Her response really touched me in thanking me for making her childhood a great one. My wife Janet played a huge part in that, too.

It also touched me that she appreciated this pizza tradition that she wanted to carry forward with her son. Nathan loves pizza anyway, but to know one was awaiting him when he returned home from college for his fall break brought me joy.

My legacy

I guess my legacy will be about pizza. I can see it on my tombstone now,

Here lies John Certalic

He made pizza possible

So here we have two listeners sharing fond memories of the childhood their parents created for them.\\xa0For some of us, our childhood was a stage of life we would just as soon forget. I\\u2019m one of those people. I can\\u2019t think of any happy memories growing up. But despite that, there is one great memory my mother created for me when I was in my 40s.

I wrote about it in my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. I\\u2019ll read a few paragraphs about this memory

A memory created coming home from the hospital

Several years after Dad retired, I got a phone call from Mom to tell me she was at the hospital with Dad. She called 911 when he fell out of his chair watching TV and then rode with him in an ambulance to the hospital. He had suffered a stroke and would be staying in the hospital. She asked if I could come and pick her up, as there was nothing more she could do that night.

I drove down to the hospital to get her and take her back home, which became the first of many such trips with her. She still drove herself but was quite nervous about this dramatic change in her life. So for those first few weeks, I often picked her up, and we visited Dad together. On one such occasion, coming home after a hospital visit, we stopped for a red light at an intersection close to her home, the home where I spent almost all of my growing-up years.

As we came to a stop, she suddenly burst into tears and cried out, \\u201cI am so sorry for how I raised you\\u2014all the yelling and hitting. You didn\\u2019t deserve any of that. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.\\u201d

An apology makes a memory

Her apology was one of the most surprising things that ever happened to me. In fact, the story I just shared appears in chapter 14, \\u201cThree Surprises.\\u201d

It confirmed for me that I hadn\\u2019t made up memories of my dysfunctional childhood in my head. She confirmed reality for me. That what I remember happening actually did occur. I had forgiven my parents for all that a long time ago and didn\\u2019t need my mother\\u2019s apology. But her heartfelt expression of remorse was a wonderful gift my mother gave me. It\\u2019s one of the most meaningful memories I\\u2019ve ever experienced.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to enhance the relationships in your life?

While it\\u2019s wonderful to be on the receiving end of memories others create for us; we can be thankful we can make memories for others ourselves. It will bring out the best in us as we create an experience someone will remember for the rest of their life.

And it\\u2019s never too late to start. My mother created that memory I mentioned for me when she was in her 60s.

My son and his wife created a memory a number of years ago their three kids will remember the rest of their lives. It started when they were all in elementary school. On the last day of school, when the school bus dropped

the kids off in front of their house, they got a big surprise from their parents. Out from behind some bushes or from behind the house, their parents came
running out brandishing military-style water guns, soaking their children with water as they ran around the yard trying to avoid them. I think Janet and I even got in on the act one year.

A memory that topped all others

The June 2020 water soaking was the best ever. The twin boys had just finished their senior year of high school, and their sister 10th grade. On that last day of school, they came home in a car they shared. As they approached their home and drove into their driveway, they were greeted by two firetrucks on the road that sprayed their car with water. And then each of them as they got out of the vehicle. It was the mother of all end-of-school-year memories!

I wrote about it in a Father\\u2019s Day blog post for June 2020. Click here if you\\u2019d like to read more about it.

All this to say, what memories can you create for someone this month? Perhaps even to apologize to someone who least expects it, just as my mother did for me.

It\\u2019s an important relational principle that we can be thankful we can make memories that will enrich someone\\u2019s life. It\\u2019s a great way to celebrate Thanksgiving Day and every day.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

We can be thankful we can make memories for people. It\\u2019s never too late to start. It\\u2019s a privilege to bless someone else in ways they will remember for the rest of their lives.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to make a memory for someone. When you do, you will find some of the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to being with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

A related episode and blog post you may want to check out

Episode 125: How to Relate When They Come Home From College

Blog post mentioned above: Dads Spark Joy When They Create Memories

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

129: Thankful We Dont Always Have to Be Right

I\\u2019ll start with a story that happened to my wife Janet and me a few weeks ago. It\'s about what happens when we don\'t always feel the need to be right.

Our happy place

We took a two-day getaway trip to our favorite happy place, Door County, Wisconsin. We love the water, which is everywhere, the picturesque state park, and the slow pace of life there. Janet loves going into many of the quaint shops while I wait in the car and read. I\\u2019m not into quaint. She is.

On our way out of town, as we headed home on the last day of our trip, we stopped to buy apples and cherries. It\\u2019s what this part of the state is known for, along with a few pumpkins. As I pulled out of the store\'s parking lot where we bought the pumpkins, I had to make a left turn unto a busy two-lane highway. Our car was at an awkward angle to see cars coming from my right because the headrest on the passenger seat blocked part of my view.

I could partially see a car off in the distance, and Janet was watching it too and then said, \\u201cIt\\u2019s all clear; you can pull out.\\u201d So I stepped on the gas and turned left onto the highway. As I gained speed, I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the car I thought was in the distance, right up against the rear of our car\\u2014both of us driving at high speeds. I stepped harder on the gas, and the other car slowed down.

\\u201cI don\\u2019t think it was all clear, Janet. That car was right up on my tail,\\u201d I said.

\\u201cSorry,\\u201d she said. She didn\'t defend herself or feel the need to be right.

I quickly forgot about the car behind us, and we continued down the highway for a few miles, at which point I pulled into a gas station to fill up.

An awkward encounter

While pumping gas, and out of nowhere, a girl pops out from the other side of the pump.

She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head.

With both hands on her hips, she said to me, \\u201cYou know you almost caused an accident back there when you pulled into the road. I almost ran into you.\\u201d

I then recognized her car and, without thinking, said, \\u201cWe\\u2019ll you were going pretty fast\\u201d as I continued to pump gas.

The girl fights back

\\u201cNo, I wasn\\u2019t. The speed limit is 55, and that\\u2019s what I was going. I\\u2019ve been driving for five years now, and I really had to slam on the brakes to avoid crashing into you.\\u201d She implied that her five years of driving experience was all I needed to know about her motor vehicle expertise. I\\u2019ve been driving for many more decades than her.

Humpf. What I wanted to say was, \\u201cWell, my wife said it was all clear for me to pull out.\\u201d But I didn\\u2019t want to throw Janet under the bus and blame her. Janet later said, \\u201cOh, that would have been okay with me; you could have told her that.\\u201d She said it wouldn\\u2019t bother her if I had thrown her under the bus. She\\u2019s comfortable in her own skin, and despite what the girl said, she still thought the girl was driving too fast.

Anyway, as I continued filling my car with gas, I thought she\\u2019s only been driving five years. If she got her license when she was 16 like most kids do, that would make her 21. She actually looked younger than that.

The conversation ended with the tattooed pink-haired driver, and she continued pumping gas, as did I.

A surprising shift

And then something happened inside me. I don\\u2019t know what it was. But when I finished filling my car with gas, I walked around the corner of the pump and said to the girl, \\u201cMiss?\\u201d I had to say it twice before she heard me.

She looked up a bit surprised, at which point I said. \\u201cI apologize for what happened back there.\\u201d

\\u201cI appreciate that,\\u201d she said. \\u201cIt really scared me\\u201d I could see it in her face.

\\u201cI didn\\u2019t mean to scare you,\\u201d I said.

\\u201cWell, thank you,\\u201d she said again,\\u201d I really appreciate that.\\u201d

I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn\\u2019t want her to think badly of us.

What I learned from this chance meeting

Apologizing well is not a skill I want to develop. I want to have few things I need to apologize for, not more of them.

A barrier dropped between this girl and me once I apologized. I could see more clearly the impact my behavior had on her.

I could also see more clearly that my pride stood between us before I said I was sorry.

It certainly wasn\\u2019t somthing I was looking for it, but I actually felt connected with that girl once I apologized. The incident reminded me of my daughter and a car accident she was once in. It reminded me that this girl had a mother and a father who probably loved her - like I love our daughter and granddaughter.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Is there anyone you need to apologize to? Are there barriers you think would drop if you did?

Is there anything you\\u2019ve done to scare people?

To what extent do you feel you need to prove yourself to others? If so, could that be more about your pride than anything else?

Are there people in your life trying to prove themselves to you? If so, how about asking God to show you how to help relieve that person of the burden of feeling they always having to be right.?

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Be thankful we don\\u2019t have to always be right. It will free us from the burden of having to defend ourselves, which in turn will help us relate better with others. It breaks down barriers between people.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope today\\u2019s show stimulated your thinking to reflect and take some action, like thinking about where your pride and defensiveness may be getting in the way of a relationship. It will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week about another thankfulness topic. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

041: Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life
042: Thankful for the Irritations of Life
043: Thankful for People Different from Me
044: Thankful for the People who Invested in Us

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

128: The Joy of Relationships

Joy in the news? Really?

Where I live in the state of Wisconsin in the US, September 25, 2021 was declared Bob Uecker Day to celebrate the 50 years Uecker has been calling the play-by-play broadcast of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball games. 50 years at the same job. Who does that any more? The guy is 87 years old and still working!

Uecker is wildly popular with baseball fans in our area. Even marginal fans will listen to his broadcasts because of his quick-witted, self-deprecating sense of humor. He\\u2019s quite entertaining with the self-effacing funny stories of his playing days and observations about life.

Near the end of February when we\\u2019re all sick of the dreary winter we\\u2019ve been through in our part of the world, the first sign of spring is Bob Uecker broadcasting spring training baseball games from Arizona. He gives us hope that spring must be just around the corner. He\\u2019s like the first crocus or daffodil pushing through the leftover snow of winter. Among baseball fans, the joy of our relationship with Bob Uecker is palpable.

He is also deeply loved by the ballplayers he\\u2019s been describing for the past 5 decades. So much so that last year in 2020 the players on the Milwaukee Brewers voted a full share of their playoff bonus checks to Uecker. They didn\\u2019t have to do that. He didn\\u2019t play at all; he only described the action of those who did. And Uecker in turn donated his share to charity.

What a sweet and tender gesture on the part of the team. It\\u2019s a commentary about the joy of their relationship with him.

Who is this man that evokes such an honor?

This all raises the question, what is it about an 87-year-old man that endears him to people? How did the joy of relationships he has with so many people come to be?

With his many fans, I think it is his self-deprecating sense of humor. His persona is of a guy who wasn\\u2019t any good at anything - but doesn\\u2019t know it. It\\u2019s what made him such a hit on the Tonight Show. Miller Beer commercials, and his role in the 1989 baseball movie, Major League.

Uecker is a master of the unexpected. On the day he was honored for his 50 years as a broadcaster he was given the privilege of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of that day\\u2019s game, like so many have done before him in major league baseball stadiums all across the country.

Most 87-year-old would go out about 10 to 15 feet from home plate and toss the ball underhanded to a catcher. Not Uecker. He had the pitching machine used in batting practice positioned on the pitching mound, and just fed a baseball into the machine which propelled it to the catcher behind home plate.

The joy of relationships with people much younger

In terms of his relationship with the ballplayers, it\\u2019s important to note that the average age of the players on the Milwaukee Brewers is 28.8 years Uecker is 87. What is it that bridged this gap of 58 years to bring such joy to players and fans alike?

For one thing, Uecker was a ballplayer, too for 6 years, 1962-67. He played for the Milwaukee & Atlanta Braves, St. Louis Cardinals, and Philadelphia Phillies. He knew the joys and challenges of being a professional baseball player. He could relate to them, both the stars on the team and those who struggled.

As a player, Uecker was a pretty good defensive catcher, but only a career .200 hitter, which he joked about all the time. In 6 years he only hit 74 RBIs and 14 home runs in 6 years. Odly enough, one of those homers was off hall of fame pitcher, Sandy Koufax. He often joked that the homer he hit almost cost Koufax his place in Cooperstown.

The joy of honoring others in our relationships

As much as I enjoyed seeing Bob Uecker honored for his 50 years of broadcasting for one baseball team, I found even more joy in another part of this relationship story.

It comes from what the star player of the Brewers did. 29-year-old outfielder, Christian Yelich collected money from his teammates to pay Nike to

manufacture one pair of specialty shoes for Uecker that displayed the phrase, \\u201cOne of Us\\u201d on the heel of the shoe.

Think about this for a moment, and let it sink in. One of us.

Imagine what Bob Uecker must have felt to have this group of ballplayers, 58 years younger than himself, give him a gift expressing this sentiment. One of us.

One of us

Who of us wouldn\\u2019t long to have people tell us they considered us one of them. That we belonged, that we\\u2019re together as part of a larger whole. That we\\u2019re wanted and appreciated by others.

Christian Yelich makes $23.8 million dollars a year as a professional baseball player and he organized getting this gift to honor Bob Uecker. Yelich also had a pair of baseball spikes made for himself that look like the Nike shoes given to Uecker.

All of this reminded me of the joy of relationships, and how we need to nurture them.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to experience the joy of relationships in your life? I suggest following the ORA principle we\\u2019ve been talking about for some time.

Observe

Observe. Look around. Be curious about the world around us. Take our eyes off ourselves. There are good things happening all over the place if we take the time to look and notice the joy in relationships we come across in our daily lives.

There\\u2019s something within most of us that wants to be connected. We\\u2019re made for relationships. Look for these connections.

Reflect

Reflect. Take time to think more deeply about what we observe. Many of us choose to stay too busy to reflect upon what we observe. Instead, consider the meaning behind what we see. Let it soak in. Are there themes in what we see and experience?

I\\u2019ve been thinking a lot lately about the implications of the phrase on the back of Bob Uecker\\u2019s new shoes, \\u201cOne of us.\\u201d To be called this is something we have little or no control over. But it brings us to the next component of the ORA principle.

Act

Act. What we do have control over, is taking action ourselves, to extend ourselves to others. Get to know people younger or older than ourselves, as Bob Uecker and the baseball players have done.

If people aren\\u2019t honoring us, we can honor others ourselves. We can do what the apostle Paul calls us to do in Romans 12:10, Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Be for others what you would like them to be for you. This creates a measure of joy for ourselves, as Christian Yellich no doubt experienced with the Nikes he gave Bob Uecker.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

One fulfilling way to enrich our lives is to observe and delight in the joy of relationships we see happening between different people all around us.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Reply\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy of relationships God intends for you. For you know by now, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

003: A Gift for the Person Who Has Everything

016: Two Ways to Care for a Missionary

023: Reminding Each Other of Our Own Stories

032: What Am I Here For? What is My Purpose in Life?

083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

127: Dont Let Fear Drive Us Apart

Ohio

Anyone ages 12 to 25 was eligible to win five $100,000 scholarships and 50 $10,000 scholarships.

Hawaii

21 different prizes including:
Airline miles and free tickets from 5 different airlines, including 50 free airline tickets from Southwest Airlines.
Hotel and resort gift packages.
Pizza for a Year courtesy of Papa John\\u2019s
$1,000 gift card courtesy of NAPA Auto Parts

Massachusetts

Fully vaccinated residents,18 or older, had a chance to win one of the five $1 million prizes, while those between the ages of 12 and 17 were eligible to win one of five $300,000 scholarship grants.

New Mexico

Five weekly drawings will award four $250,000 cash prizes each week. A grand prize of $5 million was awarded at the conclusion of the sweepstakes, in early August, to one winner drawn from the statewide pool of vaccinated New Mexicans.

Memphis, Tennessee

There was a sweepstake for a free car to any resident who was vaccinated.

Alabama

The Talladega Superspeedway is offered people aged 16 and older who choose to be tested and/or vaccinated the thrill of driving their car or truck on the 2.66-mile track. Drivers and their riders will take two laps behind a pace car at highway speed, including the 33-degree-high banks.

Deleware

Prison officials offered inmates five days of good time credits, a free video visit, a snack bag or a special meal, and an opportunity to be scheduled first for in-person visitations when they resume.

Wisconsin

$100 gift card, lots of states are doing this
A free creme puff at the Wisconsin State Fair in August

Indiana

A box of Girl Scout cookies. Really? That\\u2019s an incentive?

Another idea to change people\\u2019s behavior

Another suggestion to encourage people to get vaccinated appeared in a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal. It\\u2019s called the H.E.A.R. technique

H. Hear. Ask open-ended questions
E. Express gratitude. Thank you for sharing.
A. Ask about the pros and cons of getting the vaccine
R. Respond. Summarize what you\\u2019ve heard

Pretty lame. I don\'t think it\'s going to prevent fear driving us apart.

Questions we\\u2019re not asking

How do we improve our immune system?

How did people handle the Spanish flu of 1918?\\xa0 What did they do to get out of it?

So what does this divisive issue mean for us?

How are we to view this issue in light of our relationships. How can we get the vaccine issue off center stage as my French missionary friend describes, and throw it in the dumpster out in the alley behind the theater?

I have a few ideas.

It starts with the observation that we are all a little afraid.

The vaccinated

The vaccinated are afraid the unvaccinated are going to infect us all, and then we in turn will infect others, including our loved ones. They may even end up putting us in the hospital. Or in the grave. They are afraid the unvaccinated will surely prolong this pandemic, and it will then take that much longer for life to return to normal.

The vaccinated are afraid our country is turning into a nation of ignorant self-centered people who only care about themselves and not the common good.

The unvacinated

The unvaccinated, however, are afraid liberties are being taken away, where the government is taking more and more control of the daily lives of its citizens. They\\u2019re afraid the government doesn\\u2019t know what it\\u2019s doing because the \\u201cscience\\u201d they point to changes on a weekly basis. Remember \\u201cTwo Weeks to Flatten the Curve?\\u201d They ask.

Some of the unvaccinated are afraid because this issue reminds them too much of the medical science that endorsed lobotomies as approved medical treatment in the middle of the last century. They\\u2019re afraid something\\u2019s amiss when highly esteemed medical professionals are silenced when they raise concerns about side effects of the vaccine, like strokes, blood clots, and enlarged hearts. They\\u2019re afraid because they fear the shaming some of them are experiencing for their stance will only get worse.

I would say this to both groups: Acknowledge that we\\u2019re all a bit fearful now.

Let\\u2019s help each other in our fear. Let\\u2019s be afraid together, not emotionally apart from one another.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Don\\u2019t let fear drive us apart because of our differing views of the vaccine. Extend grace to others on the opposite side of the issue as we are. The other side isn\\u2019t stupid. Most of us are doing the best we can with the information we have.

Fear Covid, but not each other.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Reply\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

A related episode you may want to listen to

074: Relationships During Elections

Closing

In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven\\u2019t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, so that you don\'t let fear drive us apart. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

126: Sometimes God Uses Strangers to Care for Us

The excerpt from episode 121 that started it all

I\\u2019ll have a link to the entire episode 121 in the show notes, but for now, here\\u2019s a brief excerpt from \\u201cExperience the Relational Energy of Fall.\\u201d

[ I\\u2019m sorry, there is no transcript for this part of the podcast. Please listen to the podcast.]

Listener feedback

As you heard in the clip that just played, I felt helpless when I talked to Stacey. I wanted to do something besides listen. Yet, there was nothing I could do to make things better.

But then, weeks later, when the episode aired, I started getting responses from several listeners, which gave me an idea. Before I tell you the idea, here\\u2019s the feedback I received that prompted me to do something

• \\u201cJohn, I\\xa0 enjoyed today\'s podcast. I will be praying for "Stacy" I was touched by her story.\\u201d\\xa0 - Patty
• \\u201cGood morning John. I appreciated this week\\u2019s You Were Made for This podcast. . . And for your daughter\\u2019s high school friend, how difficult of a time she is going through. I\\u2019m sure you mentioning that story rallied many to be praying for her. It did me.\\u201d - Randy
• Another local podcast listener I ran into asked about Stacey, \\u201cHow sad," he said about her situation.

And finally, there was this response from a listener

\\u201cHaving been walking around the past few weeks, sometimes on the verge of tears, I have felt very alone in my sadness.

\\u201cBut the few times when a brave person has been bold enough to ask me how I am doing, and then taken the time to truly listen, has been a healing balm. And a rare gift.

\\u201dThere are no words I need or even want to hear. I just sometimes need a safe place to let a few tears seep out every now and then to cleanse my emotional paLette.

\\u201cThanks for the reminder that it is OK to feel awkward if it allows another human being the chance to be real.\\u201d ~ Imelda

NOTE: Imelda prayed for her, too!

• I was surprised and encouraged by people\'s reaction, at the compassion, and how they volunteered to pray for Stacey. Nobody asked them to do this!
• Their empathy for her and her difficult situation was palpable. They put themselves emotionally into her shoes. An abusive spouse. The prospect of not seeing her children. How will I pay the bills?

All three of these examples show me that somes God uses strangers to bless us and care for us.

What to do with this listener feedback

After hearing these responses to Stacey\\u2019s story, the idea that came to me was to go back to the office supply store where she worked to let her know people were praying for her. I thought that would encourage her, and hopefully lighten her load a bit.

It would be putting 2 Corinthians 13:11 into practice, where we are told, \\u201cencourage each other.\\u201d

So I stopped into the office supply store one day, but she wasn\\u2019t there. Before going the next time, I wrote a note and put it in an envelope with her name on it, thinking if she wasn\\u2019t in again, I\\u2019d ask one of her co-workers to give it to her when she came into work.

In the note, I said that I had a podcast and that I was so touched by the conversation we had several weeks ago that I used it as the subject of a podcast episode, changing her name, of course, to protect her privacy.

I told her about the podcast and how she could listen to it, and then I concluded with the following:

Much to my surprise, 4 different listeners have taken the time to tell me that they are praying for you. I have been doing the same most days since we last met. I hope this encourages you.

Stacey responds

Sure enough, she was gone again the next time I stopped into the store. So I dropped off the note with a co-worker before I checked out with my office supplies.

The same day I dropped the note off for Stacey, she sent me an email later that night. It read:

\\u201cHi John,
When I got to work tonight, a co-worker told me, "A man came in with an envelope for you.\\xa0 He said you went to school with his daughter, and asked me to hand-deliver it to you.\\xa0 I put it in the office.\\xa0 I\'m\\xa0 not sure what it is."

"I was intrigued. What the heck?\\xa0 Who is this man?\\xa0 Who is the person I went to school with?\\xa0 So I went to the office and found the envelope with my name on it, and your return address label.\\xa0 I opened it up, and couldn\'t make it to the 2nd paragraph without crying.\\xa0 I was a mess.\\xa0 Finally, though I got through the whole thing and I was bawling!\\xa0 Then I showed it to my co-worker (who is not a Christian, by the way), and she thought it was really nice.\\xa0 She said, \\u2018You never know when people are thinking about you and that they care.\\u2019

"Now that I\'m living with my parents again, I showed them the letter as soon as I got home.\\xa0 Again, I couldn\'t make it through the letter without crying.\\xa0 I was anxious to listen to the podcast!\\xa0 I just finished listening and I can\'t tell you how much I appreciate all the prayer that\'s going into my marriage . . . Most people would say I should\'ve left him a long time ago.\\xa0 I had one friend end our friendship because she couldn\'t take listening to all the stories of abuse and how I still kept going back to him.\\xa0 Hearing your podcast was inspirational, so for that, I thank you.

"Thanks again for your letter, and for using me in your podcast.\\xa0 Just knowing strangers are praying for me is humbling.\\u201d

So what does all this mean for the rest of us?

Knowing that sometimes God uses strangers to care for people, we can do what Imelda talked about, namely

• Be a brave person, bold enough to ask someone how they are doing, and then take the time to truly listen.
• Don\\u2019t worry about the words to say. Be a safe place for someone to cleanse their emotional palette, as she puts it. And then feel awkward doing this.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

There are times when God uses strangers to care for us, to let us know we are not alone during our darkest of days. Conversely, there is real joy in being one of those strangers God uses to bless someone with our prayers. It brings out the best in us.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Comment\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please forward it to someone else.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act. Maybe to pray for a stranger going through a tough time. When you do so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Even a relationship with a stranger. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

121: Experience the Relational Energy of Fall

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

125: How to Relate When They Come Home From College

I know some of the rest of you are facing this same issue now, or have already dealt with it, or may soon face it in the next 2 to 18 years. It\\u2019s a relationship issue where we can apply the ORA principle. Observe - Remember - Act.

Observe

Let\\u2019s start with Observe. To our listener, I would ask, what have you observed about your son that makes him enjoy life? What things bring him joy when he\\u2019s with your family? What are the things you think he looks forward to?

Are there\\xa0 things he dreads? You know, this is the question we\\u2019ve been asking in the past several episodes.

Most importantly, Observe what\\u2019s going on within YOU. Do you see any tendency you may have to use your son to meet your emotional needs? If you\\u2019re still grieving his leaving home, don\\u2019t do it in front of him.

Remember

I would also figuratively scratch your head to try and remember what it was like when YOU came home from college for the first time.

• What did YOU look forward to in returning home? What did YOU dread?
• I know you\\u2019re a different person than your son, but brought YOU joy in coming home?
• Remember, going away to college is a more significant change for your son than it is for you
• Remember your son is in that transition phase between teenager and young adult. Focus on the latter, not the former
• Remember that even though your son may have had a great deal of independence before he left home for college, the independence he has now is different. It\\u2019s more pronounced. He\\u2019s become used to making his own decisions without input from you
• Remember that every parent\'s job is to raise their child to be an independent, well-functioning adult and member of society. So embrace his newfound independence with him.

Act

Based on what you have observed about your son. And what you remember what it was like for you when you came home from college, take some kind of action

• Make coming home as pleasant an experience as possible. Create positive memories for your son.
• Spend less time telling him what to do and more time listening.
• The most important action you can take is to ask your son what he would like to do when he comes home for the weekend. Go to an event? Meet with friends. Sleep and veg out? Work on his college homework?
• Set aside your own needs and plan for a few days
• Let your son fill his schedule for the weekend.
• Ask if he\\u2019d like to bring a friend home with him
• Celebrate this new chapter of his life. Ask about his classes, which one he likes and those he isn\\u2019t too fond of.
• Act by holding back advice unless you\\u2019re asked for it
• Avoid saying, \\u201cIf I were you, I would\\u2026.\\u201d Instead, ask, \\u201cHow are you going to deal with that? What are you going to do?\\u201d
• Make it a joy-filled weekend for your son.
• Ask the Holy Spirit ways you can best interact with your son. He\\u2019ll show you
• Speak your son\\u2019s love language
• Please don\\u2019t give him chores to do. Instead, ask him as a favor as you would a friend. \\u201cWould you mind doing me a favor and (insert verb phrase)\\u201d
• Say \\u201cyes,\\u201d more than you say \\u201cno.\\u201d

What if you don\\u2019t have kids in college?

So what about the rest of us who don\\u2019t have children in college. Yet. Some day you might, and it\\u2019s not too early to prepare for that possibility. If I had young kids at home, even toddlers, I would develop my observation skills about my kids.

Pay attention to their love language, discover what makes them tick. Help them to move from one stage of childhood to the next level. The skills you develop doing this will come in handy when they leave and then return home from college. Or from their factory job from another part of the country. Or from the military.

If you don\\u2019t have any children, or If you\\u2019re past this stage of life and your kids have all left home, think about your friends in the throes of launching their children into the world. Reach out to them. Ask how they\\u2019re dealing with this new chapter in their life.

And please listen to episode 69, \\u201cWhen Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time,\\u201d especially if you have friends with children heading to kindergarten or off to college.

The main point from today\\u2019s episode

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode:

Apply the ORA principle in your relationships with your kids returning home from college. Observe. Observe what\\u2019s going on inside of you, and the emotions you feel when your child comes home for the weekend. Remember. Remember what it was like for you when you were away from home for a while, and then returned. Remind yourself to treat him like an adult. Act. Ask him what he wants to do or not do. Let him call the shots, not you.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Reply\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\\u2019d love to hear any other relationship questions you may have. Just send them my way, and we\\u2019ll tackle them together.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time

Four episodes that address in more detail the ORA principle:

88: Get Them to Say "Thank You for Asking"
89: How to Be a Better Observer of People
93: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships
96: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships

Closing

In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven\\u2019t already done so.

I hope today\\u2019s show stimulated your thinking about how you can apply the ORA principle with your young adult children or any relationship for that matter. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with them.Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today.

I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

124: Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well

Fast forward 92 programs later to when I called Gail last week to ask her those two questions I mentioned earlier. And to find, much to my surprise, that Gail, who I remember having given up hope of ever finding her birth father, actually found him! She said meeting him was the thing she was most looking forward to, and at the same time also something she was dreading.

I was so happy for her when she told me this, at the same time feeling for her angst in what this will mean for her relationship with her birth mother. Gail readily agreed to a follow-up interview.

So listen in now, where at this point in our telephone conversation Gail shares how she located her birth father\\u2026

[I\\u2019m sorry, but there is no transcript of our phone call]

Takeaways from today\\u2019s interview with Gail Rohde

I am struck by how loving Gail is being with her birth mother through the process of searching for her birth father to discover more of her identity. How sensitive she is to her mother\\u2019s anxieties and fears of abandonment. The sacrifice Gail is making with not being able to share the joy with her mom, or on social media where her mother might see it.

Secondly, I\\u2019m captivated by Gail\\u2019s father who raised her, and how he wanted to help her find her birth parents. Gail talks more about him in episode 29. His loving character certainly rubbed off on Gail. What a great guy.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Most of us are not adopted by earthly parents, but we do have the choice of becoming adopted children of God. God certainly wants to be our heavenly father, but only if we choose him. He never forces himself on anyone. In the Gospel of John, chapter 1 verse 12 we read,

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

When we make this choice it changes our identity. It makes us a new person, and it enables us to love others well, as it does with Gail in loving her mother. And like it did with Gail\\u2019s father who raised her.

The choice is yours.

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Knowing where we have come from helps us to rest in our identity. It frees us to be the person God made us to be, so we can love others well.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Reply\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven\\u2019t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect on where you have come from and your identity. For in doing so, it will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

029: An Adoption Relationship Story-Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story-Part 2

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

123: Ask Thoughtful Questions and See What Happens

The first phone call

My first call is to Maureen, who was my guest on episode 66 \\u201cA Solution Better Than Suicide,\\u201d and then episode 67, \\u201cSelf-monitoring How We Listen.\\u201d

Those two episodes were some of my favorites as Maureen talked quite openly about her struggle with depression to the point she seriously considered taking her own life several years ago. She\\u2019s in a much better place now. These episodes are two of my favorites because they speak to the power of caring relationships to help us through dark days. They\\u2019re very encouraging. You\\u2019ll find links to them at the bottom of the show notes.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I called Maureen. By the way, I did not give her or any of the other guests I called a \\u201cheads up\\u201d that I would be contacting them. My calls came completely out of the blue for all of them. So her goes with my call to Maureen:

[I\\u2019m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from the call

• I start with, \\u201cDo you have a minute to talk?\\u201d Good to ask. But when I say \\u201cno\\u201d people will often talk anyway
• I love the excitement in Maureen\\u2019s voice, more surprise than anything. Happy for the kids to be now in school. \\u201cIt\\u2019s been a long summer.\\u201d
• \\u201cYou sound elated,\\u201d act like a mirror listening principle, just reflect back what you observe.\\u201d
• Her extroversion drew me out of my introversion. The laughing, the louder voice.
• I asked my first thoughtful question, What are you looking forward to? Looking forward to routine, which leads to \\u201cspace for better self-care.\\u201d
• \\u201cWow, those are deep questions?\\u201d Hmm. Reminds me of the deep end of the relational swimming pool.
• Dreading? \\u201cOooh. Such a strong word. We\\u2019ve already had Covid.\\u201d Humor.
• Like everyone else, as you\\u2019ll see. She had to think longer about this thoughtful question
• I stumbled trying to tone this question down. I couldn\'t think of a synonym for \\u201cdreading.\\u201d Apprehensive, anxious about, or simply, not looking forward to would have worked better.
• She dreaded all the driving and time in the car with the kids taking them to activities in the fall
• \\u201cYeah, I can understand that\\u201d to what she was dreading. Good response, I think. Reminds me of the book I reviewed in Episode 105, I Hear You, where the author\\u2019s main point of the book is that affirming people and identifying with their feelings and experiences goes a long way to deepening relationships.

What I wish I would have done differently

• I missed an opportunity to ask a follow-up thoughtful question. From what you heard, what follow-up question would you have asked?
• When Maureen said she looked forward to the routine of fall because \\u201cIt will give me space for better self-care\\u201d I could have asked this: \\u201cWhat would better self-care look like for you this fall?\\u201d
• I didn\\u2019t have the time to talk because of the others I needed to contact.

The temptation I avoided

• When Maureen talked about dreading all the driving of the kids, I thought of ways to fix her problem. I could have asked, \\u201cAre there podcasts you could be listening to during your time in the car, such as You Were Made\\u2026 or,\\xa0 you get the idea. Could your husband Mike do some of the driving? Would your parents or in-laws be willing to help
• Thankfully, I didn\\u2019t ask those questions because they were born out of my knee-jerk reaction to want to fix things. I\\u2019m a guy. And it\\u2019s a curse we carry.
• Besides, I\\u2019m positive Maureen thought of the same solutions herself, and several others I\\u2019m sure.
• So I was glad I put into practice that quote from W.C. Fields a few episodes back, \\u201cNever miss a good chance to shut up.\\u201d

The second call to a former podcast guest

The second phone call I made was to Gail Rohde, someone I interviewed in episodes 29 and 30, two years ago in 2019. These were also two of my favorite shows. They are the stories of Gail\\u2019s search for her birth-mother, and eventually finding her, and all the relational issues related to an adult adoptee wanting to know more of where they came from. Her story so resonated with me because I also was born to an unwed mother and searched for my birth father, as Gail did for her birth mother. Again, there will be links to these episodes at the end of the show notes.

Well, my call to Gail started off with a technical glitch that turned out to be a blessing. Listen in

[I\\u2019m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

Wrong numbers aren\\u2019t always wrong

• When my call to Gail went to her husband Mike by mistake I learned the surprising news of Gail tracking down her birth-father. The last time I talked to her she had given up hope in ever finding him.
• I was excited to learn this because I remember it being important to Gail
• At the end of my call with Mike, I asked him about his new job. I turned off the recording at this point and Mike and I got caught up on each other\\u2019s life. It was an extra blessing to connect with him.

Another technical glitch

• Mike gave me Gail\\u2019s new cell phone number which I called and then asked her the same two thoughtful questions I asked Maureen
• However, I discovered I forgot to press the \\u201crecord\\u201d button, so I had to call her back. Here is what she had to say:

[I\\u2019m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from my call to Gail

• It\\u2019s great having people in your life you can admit your mistakes to, knowing that it\'s not going to change how they feel about you
• There are times when our greatest blessings are also our greatest challenges, as Gail mentioned in finding her birth father
• Because I had limited time I could talk with Gail, I didn\\u2019t ask any follow-up questions. And I have a lot of them. If you are rushed for time, it\\u2019s better NOT to engage with additional questions, because if you do you can easily come across as someone who doesn\\u2019t care and who just wants to cross something off their to-do list.
• I learned it\\u2019s better to hold off further engagement until you do have time, as I did when I told Gail I\\u2019d like to do another episode. Save your questions for another time. Timing is everything.
• My interaction with Gail demonstrates the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observe - Remember - Act. It started with Observing, in its listening form, to what her husband Mike said about Gail finding her birth-father.
• There is a heavy dose of Remembering that\\u2019s apparent here. Remembering what Gail shared several years ago in those episodes about searching for her birth mother. And then Acting. Talking to Gail about doing another episode about the process of searching for her birth father.

The third call - to Carol Steward, my executive director boss

Like Gail, Carol was also the subject of two episodes of You Were Made for This, number 100, our first triple-digit episode, \\u201cStart Conversations With Remembering.\\u201d Followed by episode 101, \\u201cLife-Giving Relationships\\u201d

These episodes answer the question listeners had been asking me, \\u201cWho is this Carol we hear at the very beginning of each episode?\\u201d I explain the long history Janet and I have with Carol and her husband Terry. It was a heavy dose of the importance of remembering in relationships.

And then in episode 101 I share the story of how Carol introduces Janet and me to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and how that has changed our entire life.

The day I called Carol for this episode she was working out of her home. Have a listen to what she has to say:

[I\\u2019m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from my call to Carol

• Sometimes thoughtful questions require time to think about before answering, as Carol answered about looking forward to spending school days with her grandkids. That\\u2019s because one of her daughters is a teacher and she provides childcare for them, as well as watching older grandkids after school while her other daughter is at work
• That what are you not looking forward to questioning can reveal a bit about a person\\u2019s state of stress and contentment with life at the moment. It took Carol longer to answer this second question than it did the first, more positive question. This tells me something I\\u2019ve known for years, that Carol has a very positive outlook on life.
• With some other people, they\\u2019ll have a much easier time talking about what they\\u2019re dreading than what they\\u2019re looking forward to. Not so with Carol.
• Similar to Gail\\u2019s answers, the thing Carol was looking forward to also had a negative element to it.
• One follow-up question I wish I would have asked is \\u201cWhy do you look forward to babysitting your grandkids? What do you like about it?\\u201d That would have been a thoughtful question worth sking.
• After I turned off the record button Carol and I continued to talk. She and her husband Terry, and Janet and I, have been friends for decades.

My fourth and final call - to another previous podcast guest

Hannah Barbeau and her sister Abbey were featured in a two-part interview in episodes 17 and 18. They are sisters living in Chicago. Hannah is a millennial and Abbey is from Gen Z. I interviewed them to talk about their relationship with each other, both growing up as kids and now as young adults. From there, we talked about what it was like for them to relate to older generations, roommates, their relationship with the church, and what young women their age need from their parents now. That was all in episodes 17 and 18.

Then in episode 19, I share 5 ways I was encouraged by my conversation with Hannah & Abby who are so different from me: different generation (I\\u2019m a boomer), a different stage in life, different gender, different marital status. I had a great time listening and learning from them.

But the other day, I just spoke to Hannah on the phone to ask her the same two questions I asked the other podcast guests I mentioned. We had played phone tag for a while, but we eventually connected with each other. So let\\u2019s see now how a millennial answers the two thoughtful questions I\\u2019ve been asking.

[I\\u2019m sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode]

What I learned from my call to Hannah

• Some people are very reflective and deliberate in how they answer questions. Like Hannah, they may need more time than others to respond. So I need to give people the silence-filled space they need.
• I happened to catch Hannah at the start of a whole new exciting chapter in her life. 3 new things coming up for her. What a privilege to hear about it!
• I was glad I asked the follow-up questions about the classes she was taking and her new job. It gave me a better picture of what her life is going to be like for the next few months.
• Somehow the end of the conversation got cut off, but we were almost at the end anyway.

The next day I got an email from Hannah about something else. She closed with referencing the conversation we had the day before with this:

\\u201cAlso, thanks so much for taking the time to catch up yesterday! It was just nice. Made me wonder why I don\'t call others more often for a short, simple conversation! Take care!\\u201d

What a sweet and encouraging thing for her to tell me

So what does all this mean for YOU

You can also ask thoughtful questions of people, like the two I asked,\\xa0 and see the good that can happen: what are you looking forward to? And, what are you dreading (or some version of it.)

Here\\u2019s the main point I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

When you ask thoughtful questions of the important people in your life you\\u2019ll be surprised at the good that can come from it. The joy they experience can overflow into your life, and you can share in it.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Reply\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven\\u2019t already done so.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act. Especially to ask thoughtful questions of the important people in your life. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

O17:\\xa0 Two Sisters - Part 1

018:\\xa0 Two Sisters - Part 2

029: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2

066: A Solution Better Than Suicide

067: Self-monitoring How We Listen

100: Start Conversations with Remembering

101: Life-Giving Relationships

105: How to Listen Better

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Listed in: religion

122: The Questions We Ask ... and Fail to Ask

Feedback from listeners

We\\u2019ve been going to Forest Springs, located in the north woods of the State of Wisconsin in the US for close to 20 years. It\\u2019s a Christian youth and family camp in a pretty rural area, near several small classic American small towns. We love going there to get away from the pace of city life.

• Several of the people on the camp staff listen to this podcast. One walked past us on Wednesday at lunch and told me she liked listening to that morning\\u2019s episode, making it clear \\u201cI was doing something else\\u201d while listening. I think she said she was washing dishes. It must have been one of those episodes where I mentioned podcasts are great to listen to when you\\u2019re doing some mindless work. \\u201cGood job,\\u201d I think I remarked.
• Several others on staff also told me they like listening to the podcast.
• But of course, what would you expect? No one there is going to tell me the podcast stinks. They\\u2019re kind people at Forest Springs. If we had been in New Jersey, though, I may have gotten a different response.

Early morning conversation with a stranger

When I\\u2019m at this camp, Forest Springs, I like getting up early before most other people and sitting in the lodge of the camp looking out the window at the perfectly still lake on the property. When the windows are open you can hear loons off in the distance. The whole scene just calms my soul and brings me peace. Being near a body of water tends to do that for me.

• It was near the end of the week and I was walking past the large windows looking out onto the lake I passed a man sitting in front of the window. He sat in the same spot every morning.
• This particular morning he stopped me as I walked past him and started to engage me in a conversation. So I sat down and we talked. I\\u2019ll call him Keith, not his real name, He was quite an interesting man.
• One thing led to another and Keith started talking about his son who is in his late 30s. Keith told me how his son grew up in the family as a very committed Christian. He attended church every week, was a leader in the youth group at church, and studied the Bible on his own diligently. \\u201cHe knows more about the Bible than I do,\\u201d said Keith with his bible open in front of him next to a notebook he was filling up.
• \\u201cBut he\\u2019s now walked away from his faith and the church. He doesn\\u2019t want anything to do with God at all. Why do you think people do that, walk away from their faith like that? Totally disregard the religious faith they were raised in. \\u201c