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Published: March 1, 2023, 9 a.m.

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One relationship principle I\\u2019ve come to appreciate over time is the power of giving people the gift of hope when they have so little of it themselves.

It\\u2019s when you burn brightly with hope for others when their own hope is but a dying ember.

In several recent episodes, I shared a response from one of our listeners who wrote about feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. The hope she has for things ever getting any better is but a dim flicker.

In today\\u2019s episode, the last of season seven, I share what it looks like to give people the gift of hope.\\xa0

But before we get into today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\\xa0

\\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

Season seven ends today with episode 200

Before we get into today\\u2019s show, I want to remind you that today\\u2019s episode concludes season 7 of You Were Made for This.

I will be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on several projects to serve you better. They will be focused on ways to deepen our relationships and finding the joy God intends for us in them. The joy of relationships is the \\u201cthis\\u201d we were all made for.\\xa0

Even though the podcast will go dark for a while until season 8 begins,\\xa0I\\u2019d like to continue sharing with you what I\\u2019m working on in the meantime. I\\u2019d like to tell you about articles and information I come across I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.\\xa0

I\\u2019ll be doing this with occasional emails to you. If you\\u2019ve been getting my email each Wednesday about that week\\u2019s podcast episode, you are good to go. But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email, then you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to leave your email address.

Okay. So much for this housekeeping matter and on to today\\u2019s program.

A listener who needs the gift of hope

Here\\u2019s what the listener I\\u2019m calling \\u201cEmily\\u201d (not her real name) wrote in response to episode 063. This is the one about building relationships by being more curious about people. She came across this episode 2\\xbd years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

\\u201cI found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is \\u2018wrong with me.\\u2019

\\u201cI grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be \\u201cobvious.\\u201d We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.\\xa0

\\u201cNow almost 40 years old, I\\u2019m so frustrated by the fact that I don\\u2019t have any real, close friendships.\\xa0

\\u201cI don\\u2019t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don\\u2019t even know how personal relationships work. I don\\u2019t know how often you\\u2019re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be\\xa0involved in, or how often to reach out\\u2026 it sounds so silly but it\\u2019s my reality! I don\\u2019t know how to make and keep friends.\\xa0

\\u201cI\\u2019m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered\\u2026 But really I just don\\u2019t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.\\u201d

Our listeners respond

In recent episodes, I asked you and the rest of our listening audience how you would respond to Emily if they were sitting across from her in a coffee shop for a conversation about her situation. I\\u2019ll have links to those episodes at the bottom of today\\u2019s show notes.

In those episodes, I share what your fellow listeners would say to Emily. There were some very good responses. One that came in recently was from Chris,\\xa0a listener in Wisconsin. You can read his wise feedback in the comments section of episode 198. You can find it at the bottom of the show notes for that episode.

I also have a few comments to make about Emily\\u2019s concern, but first I thought you\\u2019d like to hear what our executive producer, and my boss, Carol Steward, has to say. Carol, as you may recall, is the voice you hear introducing each episode of our podcast. She was my wife\\u2019s roommate in college, and we have been friends for over 50 years. Most importantly, she was the one who first told us about Jesus when we were 19-year-old freshmen. I talk more about Carol in episode 021,\\xa0The Most Important Relationship of All.

Carol was the one who gave Janet and me the gift of hope so many years ago.

Listen now to what she had to say recently about Emily and having a conversation with her in a coffee shop:

Many of us have people like \\u201cEmily\\u201d in our lives

Hi John:\\xa0 I was on my treadmill listening to your podcast.\\xa0 It resonated with me and someone whom I know that said to me once, "I don\'t tell people anything unless they ask me about something."

She has told me that she had been abused in several relationships, and I think that this has precipitated her unwillingness to be open and free with conversation.\\xa0 I\'m thinking that she thinks the less she talks about herself, the less it will be twisted or used against her.

Is that what your "Emily" may have been feeling?\\xa0 Of course, we don\'t know because we can\'t ask her that.\\xa0 But I do know that abuse creates fear in the abused.

My heart goes out to her.\\xa0 So the best I can offer an answer to what you asked of me, is if you want to get to know "Emily", get to know her the same way you would get to know a 4 or 5-year-old.\\xa0 Be light-hearted, and just enjoy the moment with her. . . . no expectations, no big\\xa0questions, just enjoy the time.\\xa0 If the conversation only gets as far as, "Have you ever come to this coffee shop before?" and, "What do you\\xa0like about this coffee?"\\xa0 All good.\\xa0 It\'s a start, and you can build on it the next time you get together.

A gift of hope starts with wise words

So I didn\'t answer your question, did I?\\xa0 I told you what I would do in conversation with her.\\xa0 So here\'s my shot at an answer:

\\u201cSince you\'re at the coffee shop Emily, know\\xa0that I\\u2019m here because I\\xa0want to be there with\\xa0you or else I would not have shown up.\\xa0 So\\xa0ask me about my family--ages? interests?\\xa0 plans for the summer?\\xa0 \\xa0Start with that and listen.\\xa0 Occasionally\\xa0you could say, \\u2018Tell me more.\\u2019\\xa0 All relationships start with get-to-know questions. If that\'s hard for you, go to the questions of the moment, \\u2018Have you ever been to this coffee shop before?\\u2019 and \\u2018What do you like about this coffee?\\u2019\\u201d\\xa0\\xa0

My Response to Emily

When I first received Emily\\u2019s response to episode 063 about being more curious about people, I sent her an email saying something along the lines that I\\u2019m sorry she\\u2019s having to deal with the relational difficulties she mentioned, and how they\\u2019re causing such loneliness in her life. I offered to talk with her about these things.

I never heard back from her.

Maybe she didn\\u2019t get the email. Or maybe she wanted to wait a while before responding and then lost my email address. There could be other reasons, but I\\u2019ll give her the benefit of the doubt. That being said, I have a few ideas I would use in talking with someone like Emily in a coffee shop. It starts with my goal.

My goal would NOT be to fix her problem, or even to make her feel better. My goal would be to reflect the image of God well in talking with her. We\\u2019re all made in the image of God, as the Bible tells us in the Book of Genesis. What would God want for Emily is a question I\\u2019d ask myself.

I would start by building a level of trust with her, which comes from validating her feelings and showing compassion.\\xa0 I would listen well, setting aside anything weighing on me at the moment, so I could focus on Emily.\\xa0Part of listening well is asking good questions, especially follow-up questions\\xa0in response to what she says.

With people struggling with relational issues like Emily, I often find myself asking them \\u201cwhere do you see God in your situation?\\u201d It\\u2019s a way of pointing people to Jesus, to eventually find the gift of hope found in Him, and seeing how He is at work in whatever circumstance a person is facing.

Choices

Another thing I would eventually like to get to is the issue of choices. Even be so bold as after listening well and being compassionate and empathetic, to ask Emily something along the lines of, \\u201cSo, given your situation, what are you going to do about it?\\u201d\\xa0 If what she\\u2019s doing isn\\u2019t working what can you do differently, Emily?

And then let her come up with ideas. If she has a hard time answering this question I\\u2019d ask, \\u201cEmily the people you see who have good relationships; what do they do?\\xa0 What could you copy from them? \\xa0

In dealing with relational difficulties, people have more choices than they often realize. Talking things through as I\\u2019m suggesting will often help reveal those choices. As people begin to see more choices available to them, they begin to find hope that things could change for the better.

I have a hunch that the skills Emily developed as a child living with her dysfunctional family are skills she continues to use as an adult. But these are skills that are no longer needed or appropriate in healthy relational environments. She needs to learn new relational skills, and discard the old ones.\\xa0 That\\u2019s my hunch anyway.\\xa0

There\\u2019s so much more that can be said about giving people like Emily the gift of hope that things can improve in their relationships. What you\\u2019ve heard from your fellow listeners and from me is just the tip of the iceberg to help get you started.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\\xa0

I bet you\\u2019ve run across people like Emily in your life. When you do, it\\u2019s wise to ask yourself HOW you can best reflect the character and image of God with that person. And then not thwart the work of the Holy Spirit in their life.\\xa0

Doing this can take so many different directions that it takes Godly wisdom to know which path to follow. So pray for wisdom at times like this.

If you forget everything else from today\\u2019s episode, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

Caring well for people means at times giving them the gift of hope. To help them see the hope found in knowing Jesus is at work in their life. It\\u2019s to burn brightly with hope for them when their own hope is a dying ember.

Closing

Finally, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time while I take a break from this podcast before season eight begins.

If you\\u2019re on my email list, I\\u2019ll let you know when I\\u2019m ready with new episodes to start the next season. I\\u2019ll also send you information from time to time I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email already, you\\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.

\\xa0I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show to think about how you can reflect the character and image of God in helping people find the gift of hope in their relationship with Jesus.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today - and for season seven of this podcast. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \\u201cShare This\\u201d bar.

I look forward to being in your ears when I\\u2019m ready to launch season eight. But until then, don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\\xa0 And I\\u2019ll see you again next time in season eight. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\\u2019s shows

197: We Don\\u2019t Know What We Don\\u2019t Know

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

063: Six Reasons Why We\\u2019re Not More Curious About People

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

Last week\\u2019s episode

199: How to Help a Friend

All past and future episodes\\xa0 \\xa0 JohnCertalic.com

Our Sponsor

Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry, is the sponsor of You Were Made for This.\\xa0The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

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