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Last week in episode 10, I talked about the two features found in every good relationship, the first being want. The desire to\\xa0want the relationship to be the best it can be, as evidenced by taking action to enhance a relationship. Relationships take work and if we\\u2019re not willing to work at it, they\\u2019re not going to be sustainable. We have to\\xa0want it bad enough to work for it. That\\u2019s the first feature.
The second feature of every good relationship is skill, we can want a good relationship and can work at it, but if we don\\u2019t have relational skills, those relationships aren\\u2019t sustainable either. You need both. Want and skill.
The first step in improving our relational skill is to know what level our relationship skills currently are at. Knowing the four levels of relationship skills will give us a picture of what is possible in our relational development. It can motivate us to move from a lower skill level to a higher level as we see what we could become.
Let me run through the four levels real quickly, then we\\u2019ll come back and focus the rest of our time on the first level.
Unconsciously unskilled. We don\\u2019t have a clue as to how unskilled we are when it comes to relationships. We just don\\u2019t get it. We\\u2019re blind as to how our behavior impacts others. We have no idea of what we are doing wrong in how we relate to people. We make relational blunders but we don\\u2019t know we\\u2019re making them. We have no internal editor. This is the scariest level in a relationship.
Consciously unskilled. We\\u2019re making mistakes in our relationships with people, and we know it. Things aren\\u2019t going well, but we don\\u2019t know what to do about it. We can tell people are turned off by us, but we\\u2019re not sure why. We notice how others have better relationship skills than we do, and wonder how they do what they do. We wish we could be like them. This is the most hopeful level in a relationship.
Consciously skilled. We see how we impact others, for good or ill. We\\u2019re aware of our skills and try to put them into practice. We try to get better at them. We avoid our natural tendencies that get in the way of relationships. We work at self-correcting ourselves when we see that we might be adversely affecting a relationship. We\\u2019re attuned to how others relate well and we try to emulate them. This is the most encouraging level.
Unconsciously skilled. We\\u2019re good at relating well with people, and aren\\u2019t even aware of it. We\\u2019re not even trying; it\\u2019s just part of who we are. People from time to time will complement us on one of our relational skills, say listening, for example, but we didn\\u2019t notice it ourself because it comes so naturally for us. We\\u2019re pretty self-aware of our relational weaknesses, and intuitively avoid them as much as possible. This is the most joyful level of relationship skill.
We don\\u2019t have a clue as to how unskilled we are when it comes to relationships. We just don\\u2019t get it. We\\u2019re blind as to how our behavior impacts others. We have no idea of what we are doing wrong in how we relate to people. We make relational blunders but we don\\u2019t know we\\u2019re making them. This is the scariest level in a relationship.
The clueless level of relationship skill. Three examples from relational interactions in the Bible.
I Samuel 1:2-8. Story of Elkanah
Mark 9: 33-37
Matthew 20: 20-28
One theme emerges from all three of these stories. It\\u2019s that pride is at the root of all three examples of unconsciously unskilled interactions
In a later episode we\\u2019ll refer back to this incident with the apostle John. It\\u2019s part of an important illustration I\\u2019m saving for a few weeks from now.
Lessons Learned from these unconsciously unskilled relational moments:
The big question then is this: How will we know if we are unconsciously unskilled in our relationships, and if we are, how can move up to the next level?
The big answer to this question is the big idea, the take-away form today\\u2019s episode and our show in a sentence:
We need others in our life whose relationship style we can observe and emulate, and one of those others needs to be Jesus.
Here\\u2019s a way you can respond to today\\u2019s show
Who are some people I know who are very skilled relationally, that I could model myself after? What relational qualities do they have that I would like for myself, and then ask Jesus to show you how to develop those qualities.
Coming up next week
Next week in episode 12 we\\u2019ll take a look at the next level of relationship skill development, consciously unskilled. I\\u2019ll be sharing examples from my own life that illustrate this next step in relational skill development. I\\u2019ll show how we can all learn from our less-than-stellar relationship moments.
Quote of the Week
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it\\u2019s the illusion of knowledge\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0 ~ Daniel Boorstin
Resources mentioned in today\\u2019s show
Episode 10, Two Features of Every Good Relationship
The Discovers: A Man\\u2019s Search to Know His World and Himself, by Daniel Boorstin
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