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Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It\\u2019s an important tool we all need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. Listen in to today\\u2019s episode where listening well is a matter of life and death.

You would think an article about what a hostage negotiator does would focus on what they say to hostage-takers to get them to release the people they\\u2019ve captured. I was surprised to learn in an article I read that succeeding as a hostage negotiator begins with learning how to listen.

Today\\u2019s episode is about helpful ideas we can adopt from this unlikely career to improve our listening skills and deepen our relationships. You\\u2019re going to like this one, so keep listening.

\\u201cA Hostage Negotiator\\u2019s Lesson in Listening\\u201d

The article I mentioned appeared in The Wall Street Journal several years ago, entitled \\u201cA Hostage Negotiator\\u2019s Lesson in Listening\\u201d written by Massada Siegel. It\\u2019s a short piece that I\\u2019ll share with you, interjecting a few of my own thoughts.

Siegel begins:

\\u201cIs listening a lost art? On TV news and talk shows, everyone seems to be interrupting one another. Likewise in the political arena. Listening is especially rare on social media, where people are eager to talk and loath to hear other points of view.

\\u201cSo recently I challenged myself to talk less and instead to actively listen, ask more questions, and think about the responses. In particular, everywhere I went I asked people if they feel listened to and if they listen to others.

\\u201cAt a media conference, one lady told me sometimes she gets nervous around new people, so she thinks about what she will say as she listens so that she can be part of the conversation. Another said that she wished people would listen and not respond with a solution, because sometimes she\\u2019s only looking for a sounding board.\\u201d

Let me comment on this for a moment.

A better way to fit into a conversation

I can understand wanting to be part of the conversation. But I think there\\u2019s a better way than looking like you\\u2019re listening, when you\\u2019re actually just rehearsing in your mind what you\\u2019re going to say when you get a chance to talk.

To be \\u201cpart of the conversation\\u201d reminds me of the title of that wonderful book by Cal Newport, So Good They Can\\u2019t Ignore You. The subtitle is Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. It\\u2019s a book every high school graduate or college student should read. The premise of his book is that passion for any area of life doesn\\u2019t mean much. To be successful in life you need to have skills that are so good, that people can\\u2019t ignore you.

I bet that would work in being \\u201cpart of the conversation.\\u201d To be a conversationalist so good they can\\u2019t ignore you would mean instead of working to get your voice heard, you would focus on getting other people talking. It would mean saying things like, \\u201cJake, that\\u2019s interesting. Renee, what do you think about what he said?\\u201d

And there\\u2019s the person who said she doesn\\u2019t want to hear solutions to what she\\u2019s talking about, she just wants a sounding board. I think someone should write a book about verbal processors like this. I have sympathy for people like that.

People who solve their own problems when they slide their thoughts out of their head, onto their tongue, and out into the air where they can hear them. They\\u2019ll come to their own conclusions when they\\u2019re able to verbalize them.

But I don\\u2019t have any sympathy for self-centered people who want to hold court to be the center of attention. Though it\\u2019s hard to tell the difference sometimes

Self-described poor listeners

Back to the article.

\\u201cOne evening at a restaurant, I struck up a conversation with a couple and asked their opinion. They both said they weren\\u2019t good listeners and frequently interrupt people because they want to participate in conversations. \\u2018I talk a lot because I\\u2019m insecure and want people to like me,\\u2019 the husband acknowledged. \\u2018Ironically, I\\u2019m reading lots of leadership books, which all say if you want people to like you, you need to be a better listener.\\u2019\\u201d

Let me stop again.

I like the admission of the husband who says he talks too much because he\\u2019s insecure. Both people readily admit they are poor listeners. Yet they don\\u2019t appear to have any remorse or willingness to change. Do they perceive listening to be too hard?

A few years ago I was giving a talk at a break-out session on how to listen better to each other. The talk was part of a larger conference with a big-name plenary speaker. If I told you who he was everyone listening to this episode would recognize the name.

To my surprise, this well-known speaker headlining the conference sat in on my little break-out session, sitting at the back of the room. After I finished my talk he came up to me to say he enjoyed the session, and then said, \\u201cI\\u2019ve been told I\\u2019m not a very good listener.\\u201d He said it with a smile on his face as if to laugh it off as something not all that important. He\\u2019s a great speaker and has had a stellar career leading several large Christian organizations. But I wonder what it would be like to work for him, this self-admitted poor listener.

Learn from a hostage negotiator

Well, back to Spiegel\\u2019s article on how to listen like a hostage negotiator.

\\u201cGlenn Cohen, who recently retired as chief psychologist and hostage negotiator for the Israel Defense Forces, told me that listening can mean life or death in his line of work. There are five steps to negotiating a hostage\\u2019s release, he said: the first is listening to the terrorist.

\\u201cThe biggest mistake to make is to jump to the last step, which is behavioral change,\\u201d he said. \\u201cIn a volatile situation where someone\\u2019s life is on the line, there can be no shortcuts. You must listen, as the hostage-taker is all charged up, emotionally and physically.\\u201d

I\\u2019ll stop here again and add that often when we listen to those going through difficulties, we too are looking for a behavioral change in the other person.

\\u201cStop what you\\u2019re doing or thinking and do what I\\u2019m suggesting,\\u201d is often how it goes. It\\u2019s usually well-meaning, but advice not asked for can be interpreted as criticism. It can be seen as setting up a power dynamic, \\u201cI know more than you.\\u201d

Back to the article.

\\u201c\\u2018The hostage-taker has his goal, so you must hear him out and understand want he wants to accomplish,\\u2019 Mr. Cohen said. \\u2018As a negotiator, you are looking for a win-win situation, and a hostage-taker needs an opportunity to vent and let off steam, as their adrenaline is pumping as they are in the moment. Unless they unload their demands, they don\\u2019t have the capacity to hear and consider behavior change.\\u201d

Listening is an influential skill

The author concludes with:

\\u201cListening is an influential skill. The more you give others space to talk, the better you understand them and the more willing they are to listen themselves.\\u201d

In our own conversations with people, it\'s helpful to think of the person we\\u2019re talking to as having a goal. We often are too concerned with our own goal, like the person mentioned earlier whose goal was to fit into the conversation.

I so appreciate Seigel\\u2019s comment that \\u201clistening is an influential skill.\\u201d What a great way to influence people, by listening to them. When we make the effort to learn how to listen we bring out the best in others, and in ourselves. And like any skill, it takes practice.

It\\u2019s never too late to start perfecting how we listen to people. You can start today.

So what does all this mean for YOU, and for me?

I wonder about the people in your life, and in mine, who while they are not hostage-takers, still would like to have a voice, to be heard. I think of the quiet people in our life who are shy and never say much. You know they\\u2019ll never take any hostages, but you wonder what they\\u2019re thinking about. Why don\\u2019t they ever say much? Why are they so quiet?

Maybe their personality has been shaped this way because they don\\u2019t feel safe with people. They may not trust others. Or maybe they feel people don\\u2019t care what they\\u2019re thinking, that they don\\u2019t have a voice. It\\u2019s possible when they\\u2019re with lots of talkers, and they can\\u2019t get a word in edge-wise, they just give up. Or in gatherings where the topic of conversation changes faster than a ping pong ball in an Olympic table tennis match, they think \\u201cwhat\\u2019s the use?\\u201d

My guess is that if we learned how to listen to people like this there would be fewer of them.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It\\u2019s an important tool we need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. No one is born a good listener. It\\u2019s something we can learn to deepen our relationships with people.

As always, I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to reflect on how you could find more joy in your relationships by learning how to listen better to the important people in your life. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That\\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with your relationships this week. I\\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to:

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

065: End With Asking This Important Question

064: Start with this Important Question to Ask

063: Six Reason Why We\\u2019re not More Curious About People

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