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I received a disturbing email from a missionary serving overseas the other day that mentioned a relationship challenge he and his wife were facing. It\\u2019s an issue most of us have had to handle at one time or another. Namely, how to relate with high-maintenance people. It\\u2019s the subject of today\\u2019s show, where you will hear a few ideas for how you can deal with this challenge. I also explain why I found this missionary\'s email troublesome. It\\u2019s not what you might think.

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If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I\\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

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That troublesome email

And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town.

For confidentiality reasons, I\\u2019ve changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this:

Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn\\u2019t a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job.

The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, \\u201cextra-grace church member.\\u201d From the context of the email, you can tell \\u201cextra-grace church members\\u201d is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I\\u2019ll come back to this term in a minute.

I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I\\u2019ve been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don\\u2019t have that option. People like this come with the territory.

The problem with labels

But here\\u2019s why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as \\u201cone of our extra-grace church members.\\u201d I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care
committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc.

Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant \\u201cExtra Grace Required.\\u201d It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met.

I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please don\\u2019t do this. Please don\\u2019t label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other.

Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people

So what\\u2019s behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I\\u2019m sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It\\u2019s why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do.

And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It\\u2019s wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There\\u2019s a little bit of God\\u2019s character in all of us.

Given all this, let\\u2019s consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It\\u2019s easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we\\u2019ve trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it\\u2019s no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn\\u2019t normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven\\u2019t been taught either.

The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I\\u2019ve talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act.

Observe

Let\\u2019s start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way?

We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It\\u2019s about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there\\u2019s just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying \\u201cno\\u201d to people hard for me, and if it is, why?

And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they\'re needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out.

Reflect

After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what\\u2019s been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What\\u2019s worked and what hasn\\u2019t? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life?

Every time I say \\u201cyes\\u201d to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I\\u2019m saying \\u201cno\\u201d to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this?

Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What\\u2019s in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness?

What have I done in the past when I just didn\\u2019t know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life?

Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you\\u2019re in.

Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term?

And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I\\u2019m just reluctant to do it?

Act

Finally, after we observe and reflect, it\\u2019s time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life.

Ask God for wisdom. He\\u2019ll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take.

Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it\\u2019s carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play.

The answer to \\u201cwhat should I do?\\u201d may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way.

Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses.

Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest.

Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can\\u2019t do for them.

Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them

Above all, point people to Jesus.

Here\\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode

Don\\u2019t let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It\\u2019s a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice.

Closing

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\\u2019ve just heard about relating with high-maintenance people.
For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s it for today. If there\\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177.

And don\\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

020: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much
128: The Joy of Relationships
139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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