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It\\u2019s often better to share an observation than to ask a question. It deepens a relationship by allowing people to open up on their terms.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 99.\\xa0We are just one episode away from turning over our podcast odometer to 100 episodes. I\\u2019ve got a special program planned for next week with an interesting guest lined up to join us.

But for today, as we say good-bye to double-digit episode numbers, I\\u2019ve got something for those of you who want deeper relationships with people, BUT who feel uncomfortable asking questions of others. For new listeners to the podcast, we\\u2019ve been talking in recent episodes about asking questions to deepen our relationships with people.

Before we get into this though, I want to share a few responses I received from listeners to a question I raised a few weeks ago. Namely, \\u201cWhat else do you do when you listen to podcasts?\\u201d Podcasts are great to listen to while doing something else, and I thought our listeners would be interested in know what that \\u201csomething else\\u201d is for each of us.

Listener responses

A listener from England wrote,
\\u201cTwo things for me: peeling or chopping vegetables at the kitchen table or (most preferred) having a good cup of Yorkshire tea and just listening as I enjoy. (Now those two things go together well!)\\u201d

A missionary from the Balkan countries of Eastern Europe said:
\\u201cI follow about 6-8 podcasts regularly and usually listen when I am at home alone (or when my children are sleeping) and I am cleaning the house, cooking, or folding laundry. Makes a sort of boring, mundane chore quite enjoyable for me!\\u201d

Finally, Linda, a retired missionary and listener from North Carolina wrote:
"Hello John, Sometimes I exercise on my indoor exercise bike while listening to the [your] podcast while other times I go outside and take a walk. Other times I \\u2018set you\\u2019 on the kitchen counter to listen while I fix breakfast. You seem to show up in different ways!"

Thank you for those responses. I\\u2019d love to hear from more of you as to what you typically do while listening to podcasts.

Now on to today\\u2019s show. It\\u2019s a solution for those of us who would like to go deeper in our relationships with people, but without relying just on asking questions to get there. So keep listening.

Caution with asking questions

As much as we\\u2019ve talked about the power of asking questions, there are a few caveats to this skill.

It goes without saying that questions to deepen a relationship do not evoke one-word answers. Yes or no. it also goes without saying that in some cultures around the world, asking questions of each other is offensive. So be careful.

Questions asked too quickly, and too often, can put the other person on the defensive and back them into a corner. So slow down. Some people need time to process a question they\\u2019re asked. Allow for periods of silence.

Questions, when used improperly, can be a form of control. They can take people where they don\\u2019t want to go, and you end up alienating people from yourself.

We sometimes ask questions when we are really making a statement. Avoid doing this. It\\u2019s not being honest and can come across as being controlling. So instead of asking, \\u201cAren\\u2019t you going to take the garbage out tonight,\\u201d say instead, \\u201cplease take the garbage out tonight.\\u201d

Rather than asking a question, try this instead

Instead of asking a question, share an observation. An observation is a deeper form of engagement than a question.

This is the O - Observe, in O.R.A. Observe-Remember-Ask

It\\u2019s a big picture skill. More difficult, in my opinion, than the other two elements of ORA. More difficult than Remember or Ask

How do you make an observation?

Act as a mirror. Mirrors reflect reality

Reflect back emotions you see in the other person: \\u201cYou seem upset today.\\u201d

Reflect back themes and patterns you observe: \\u201cI noticed that whenever I ask you about where you are from, your eyes light up\\u201d

\\u201cIt seems to me like \\u2026 \\u201cyou\\u2019ve got something on your mind that is troubling you.\\u201d

Share reflective statements, \\u201cI wonder statements.\\u201d : \\u201cI wonder what it must be like to always feel you have to defend yourself.\\u201d

A real-life example

The time Janet shared an observation when she said, \\u201cI don\\u2019t think you\\u2019re spending enough time with the kids.\\u201d She could have asked a question instead, \\u201cWhy don\\u2019t you spend more time with the kids?\\u201d or \\u201cWhen are you going to spend more time with the kids?\\u201d The observation she shared was much more powerful. It wasn\\u2019t a job, a directive, an order. It wasn\\u2019t even a request.

It can be very affirming and encouraging to hear the observations of another person. Where all too close to what is going on in our life.

\\u201cI wonder how many people I\\u2019ve looked at all my life and never seen.\\u201d~ John Steinbeck

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Instead of asking: share an observation instead:

"Why are you angry," becomes\\xa0 "You seem angry."

Instead of "When are you going to clean your office?, instead say, I\\u2019ve noticed the clutter in your office has reappeared.

Rather than "Who were you talking to on the phone? ", try sharing an observation, You seemed pretty animated when you were on that phone call.

"Why are you so sad today? " would be better put, You look sad to me.

"What are you worried about?" can be better stated,\\xa0 It seems to me like you\\u2019re troubled about something. I wonder what it is.

Instead of asking, "What are you so happy about?" share an observation like this, You sure seem in a good mood today.

Use doorknob observations with people who are better at words than you are. \\u201cI wonder statements are good for this.\\u201d

If you forget everything else, here\\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember from today\\u2019s episode.

Experiment with turning your questions into observations. Act as a mirror in the important relationships in your life. See how much deeper your interactions go when you make an observation, rather than when you ask a question.

I\\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\\u2019s episode. I\\u2019d like to hear how trying out this new relational skill goes for you. You can email me at john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the \\u201cLeave a Reply\\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

Closing

In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven\\u2019t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\\xa0 If you\'d like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We\'d be so grateful if you did.

Related episodes you may want to check out:

092: 3 Benefits to Being a Keen Observer of People

090: Encourage Ourself by Observing Others

089: How to Be a Better Observer of People

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