Podcasts Health Hope to Recharge Parenting a Child with BPD (Lisa Wells)

Parenting a Child with BPD (Lisa Wells)

Published: April 26, 2021, 4:36 p.m.

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Lisa Wells is raising a son with Borderline Personality Disorder. As a little boy, her child was diagnosed with ADHD. He was throwing furniture, had to be taken out of school and went through all kinds of treatment. He endured a lot of ridicule, punishment, and rejection from school staff for not behaving in the way they expected. Lisa assumes this contributed to the trauma which led to him to develop BPD and an older teen.\\xa0

Lisa shared with me her strategies for staying afloat while her son is drowning. One of the components needed to able to care for your loved one\\u2019s high-needs is to realize that you can\'t be available for them 24/7. You are human too, and if you don\'t take care of yourself, you won\'t have anything left to give. This can be terrifying because there are so many \\u201cwhat if\\u2019s\\u201d and lack of control when you don\'t do everything that they need. In the long run, if you both want to enjoy your life more and be able to be available without burning out, you cannot place all of the responsibility for their survival on yourself. You sometimes have to let go, and that\'s okay.\\xa0

Another major strategy Lisa utilizes on a daily basis, is to recognize and measure her physical and emotional capacity to help somebody else. If her son is calls her on the phone, Lisa will pause and take notice if she has at least 50% of her capability to deal with whatever situation might be. If she\'s already feeling overwhelmed by other things in life -- lacking sleep, the dog barking, and she\'s involved in getting something done, she takes a \\u201cself-care break\\u201d, works on her mindset to bring herself back up to at least 50%, and then chooses to reach out and support her son.

Lisa has come to realize that the best way to help her son is simply using the practice of radical acceptance. No judgement. If he\'s only wearing one shoe, she won\\u2019t say something negative or critical, but just rolls with it. If he really wants some cigarettes, she will actually go buy them for him. If she shows up in his space, and it is clear that he really just needs to be left alone, she leaves. Fighting against whatever is going on in his life that isn\'t immediately life-threatening only makes him feel criticized, which can be a big trigger. Lisa chooses to believe that he\'s doing the best he can, and doesn\'t push him to be anyone besides who he is in that moment.\\xa0

She communicates her boundaries with her son. When he has a meltdown, she will calmly say that she will not tolerate being yelled at. When a conversation starts to go off track, she will clearly tell him that she\'s not leaving forever; she just really needs to go get dinner on the table or do some other task, and she will call him again in a couple hours when they both have had time to regroup. Because so much that happens in his life seems like an emergency, it can be hard for him to understand how his mom could choose to not help him in his seemingly desperate situation, but she is working to help him understand that she is a person too, and her needs are just as legitimate as his own.

Lisa relates how funny he is and how good he is at the things he\'s passionate aboutand often invites him over to help her with a project and delights in seeing how he finds the quickest and most efficient way to solve the problem she has presented him with. He loves to help out others. If he has a few extra dollars, he\\u2019ll go give it to a homeless person because he knows what it is like to be on the street. He loves being encouraging and making jokes with his neighbors and those around him. BPD is not all darkness. Those suffering from it are full of light\\u2026 just often not for themselves.

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Connect with Lisa:

(Business Website): https://lisarwells.com

       
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Quotes:

\\u201cThe last thing he needs is for me to be pointing stuff out to him if he\\u2019s having a rough day\\u2026 So, I thought, \\u201cI\\u2019ll just kind of be with him,\\u201d and \\u201cHow can I help him?\\u201d Instead of my mind immediately going to, \\u201cWhy cant he?\\u201d It was, \\u201cHow can I?\\u201d \\u201c@LisaWells @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

\\u201cDon\\u2019t react. Breathe. Stop. Pause.\\u201d @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

\\u201cIf I can\\u2019t answer the phone with a smile, I probably shouldn\\u2019t be answering the phone.\\u201d @LisaWells @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

\\u201cInstead of just slapping a label on it, what I\\u2019d like to do is to work toward asking him, \\u201cTell me what you\\u2019re feeling right now.\\u201d \\u2026 at least we can work through feelings rather than slapping a label on it and just saying, \\u201cWell, then, there\\u2019s nothing we can do about it.\\u201d\\u201d @LisaWells @MatanaJacobs #HopetoRecharge

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Topics Discussed:

  • Coping strategies for caregivers
  • \\u201cEmpathy with boundaries\\u201d
  • Doing away with judgement
  • Dealing with your child self-medicating
  • Raising multiple children when one has severe health issues
  • NAMI; the importance of peer support for caregivers

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Suicide Hotlines:

USA: 1-800-273-8255
USA Crisis (Text): 741-741
Canada: 1-833-456-4566
United Kingdom: 116-123
Australia: 13-11-14
International Suicide Hotlines:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

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Today\\u2019s episode of Hope to Recharge is sponsored by https://Betterhelp.com/hopetorecharge.\\xa0

Betterhelp.com is the world\\u2019s leading provider of online therapy. Their mission is to make professional counseling accessible, affordable, and convenient, so anyone who struggles with life\\u2019s challenges can get help, anytime, anywhere.

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