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Featured photo is Mina
as a child (more pics below!)

374 Anger, Part 2

You Have Always Hated Me!

In the Anger Part 1 podcast (371 on November 20), Rhonda, Matt and David discussed the fact that when you\\u2019re feeling angry, there\\u2019s always an inner dialogue\\u2014this is what you\\u2019re saying to yourself, the way you\\u2019re thinking about the situation\\u2014and an outer dialogue\\u2014this is what you\\u2019re saying to the other person.

In Part 1, we focused on the inner dialogue and described the cognitive distortions that nearly always fill your mind with anger-provoking inner chatter about the \\u2018awfulness\\u201d of the person you\\u2019re mad at. Those distortions include All-or-Nothing Thinking, Overgeneralization, Labeling, Mental Filtering, Discounting the Positive, Mind-Reading, Fortune Telling, Emotional Reasoning, Other-Directed Should Statements, and Other-Blame.

That\\u2019s a lot\\u2014in fact, all but Self-Blame. And sometimes, when you\\u2019re ticked off, you might also be blaming yourself, and feel mad at yourself at the same time.

Matt suggested I add these comments on Self-Blame or it\'s absence::

Another possible addition would be when you identify the absence of Self Blame when we\\u2019re angry. For me, it\\u2019s been easier to think of that as a positive distortion, because you are blind to, or ignoring, your own role in the problem. In other words, when I\\u2019m blaming someone else, it\\u2019s me thinking my poop smells great and tit\'s all the other person\'s fault..

I\\u2019ve wondered if we fool ourselves like this because of the desire to have a special and perfect \\u201cself,\\u201d which we then defend. Because nobody\\u2019s perfect, our "ideal self," as opposed to our "real self," is just a pleasant, but potentially destructive, fantasy.

Still, we try to preserve and project the fantasy that we are free of blame and the innocent victim of the other person\'s "badness," , and we imagine there we have a perfect \\u201cself\\u201d to defend. Or, as you\\u2019ve said, at times, David, \\u201canger is often just a protective shell to hide and protect our more tender and genuine feelings.\\u201d

We also discussed the addictive aspect of anger, since you probably feel morally superior to the \\u201cbad\\u201d person you\\u2019re ticked off at when you\\u2019re mad, and this makes it fairly unappealing to change the way you\\u2019re thinking and feeling. Your anger also protects you from the risk of being vulnerable and open and genuine.

Today we discuss the Outer Dialogue, and how to express angry feelings to another person, as well as how to respond to their expressions of anger. The main concept is that you can express anger in a healthy way, by sharing your anger respectfully, or you can act out your anger aggressively, by attacking the other person. That\\u2019s a critically important decision!

Toward the start of today\\u2019s podcast, Rhonda, Matt and David listed some of the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy anger. The following is just a partial list of some of the differences:

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To bring some dynamics and personality to today\\u2019s podcast, Mina, who\\u2019s made a number of noteworthy appearances on the podcast, agreed to describe what she learned on a recent Sunday hike. (I\\u2019ve started up my Sunday hikes again, but in a small way now that the pandemic has subsided, at least for the time being. I\\u2019m struggling with low back pain when walking and that severely limits how far I can go.)

Mina began by explaining that when she was talking to her mom on the phone. Her mom described a conflict with woman friend who seemed angry with Mina\\u2019s mom. Mina said, \\u201cI can see why that woman got angry with you.\\u201c

Mina explained that her mother, who is \\u201cconflict phobic,\\u201d paradoxically ends up with conflicts with a lot of people. However, Mina\\u2019s mother sounded hurt by Mina\\u2019s comment, and said, \\u201cYou\\u2019ve always hated me since you were a little girl! You always looked at me hatefully!\\u201d

Here are some of Mina\\u2019s "angry" childhood photos:

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Mina explained how she felt when her mom said, "You\\u2019ve always hated me.\\u201d

My jaw dropped when she said that! It was such a shock. I\\u2019ve always felt like she was my best friend! . . .

I hate feeling angry. It makes me every bit as uncomfortable as anxiety. If I express my anger, it goes away, and I feel better. But I don\\u2019t usually express it, and then it comes back disguised as weird neurologic symptoms.

And that, of course, is the Hidden Emotion phenomenon that is so common in people who struggle with anxiety. When you try to squash or hide negative feelings your think you\\u2019re not \\u201csupposed\\u2019 to have, they often resurface in disguised form, as phobias, panic, OCD symptoms, chronic worrying, or any type of anxiety, including, as in Mina\\u2019s case Health Anxiety\\u2014that\\u2019s where you become convinced you have some serious neurologic or medical problem, like Multiple Sclerosis.

Matt suggested that I might remind folks of my concept that \\u201canger allays get expressed, one way or the other.\\u201d He\\u2019s found this idea to be both true and incredibly helpful for \\u201cus nice folks who think we can get away without expressing our anger, thinking we can avoid conflicts, entirely. This always backfires, in my experience!\\u201d

On the recent Sunday hike, Mina practiced how to talk with her mom, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. After that, she used what she\\u2019d practiced on the hike to talk to her mom about their relationship, and then got an \\u201cI love you\\u201d message from her mom the next morning.

This made Mina very happy, but because she had a full day of back to back appointments, Mina decided to spend time crafting a thoughtful reply at the end of the day, when she had a little free time. But when she went back to her computer at the end of the day to send a message to her mom, she discovered that her mother had deleted the loving message she sent early in the day, and Mina felt hurt.

When Mina asked her mom about it, her mom said that deleting the message was just an error due to \\u2018old age.\\u201d However, Mina did not really buy this, and thought her mom probably felt hurt and angry because Mina had not responded sooner.

In the podcast, we practiced responding to mom using the role-play exercise I developed years ago. Essentially, one person plays the role of Mina\\u2019s mom, and says something challenging or critical.

Mina plays herself and responds as skillfully as possible with the Five Secrets, acknowledging the other person\\u2019s anger and expressing her own feelings as well.

We practiced responding to mom\\u2019s statement, \\u201cYou\\u2019ve always hated me.\\u201d Matt played the role of mom and Mina gave a beautiful Five Secrets response. You\\u2019ll enjoy hearing her response, and Matt\\u2019s and Rhonda\\u2019s helpful feedback, when you listen to the podcast.

Then Mina asked for help responding to another statement from her mom, who had also said:

All of the kids your age are angry, because you were neglected a lot of the time because of the war in Iran, and your dad and I were busy doing what we had to do to survive and avoid being arrested. All of my Iranian friends with children your age are experiencing the same thing.

Matt and Rhonda did more role plays with Mina, followed by excellent feedback on Mina\\u2019s Five Secrets response. Again, I think you\\u2019ll enjoy the role-playing and fine tuning when you listen to the podcast.

One of the obvious take-home messages from today\\u2019s podcast is to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication when you\\u2019re feeling angry and talking to someone who\\u2019s angry with you as week, As a reminder, these are the Five Secrets.

LINK TO 5 SECRETS

And to make it simple, you can think of talking with your EAR:

E = Empathy (listening with the Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry)

A = Assertiveness (sharing your feelings openly with \\u201cI Feel\\u201d Statements)

R = Respect (showing warmth and caring with Stroking)

However, here\\u2019s the rub: People who are angry will usually NOT want to do this! When you\\u2019re ticked of, you will almost always have a huge preference for expressing yourself with the Unhealthy Anger described above.

Matt urged me to publish my list of 36 reasons why this intense resistance to healthy communication. LINK HERE for the LIST

• 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Empathize
• 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Share your Feelings
• 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Treat the Other Person with Respect.

So, as you can see, there\\u2019s a lot more to skillful communication of anger than just learning the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, although that definitely requires tremendous dedication and practice. But motivation is the most important key to success or failure.

When you\\u2019re upset with someone, you can ask yourself, \\u201cDo I want to communicate in a loving, or in a hostile way?\\u201d

The reward of love are enormous, but the seduction of hostility and lashing out is at least as powerful! This battle between the light and the dark is not new, but has been blazing for tens of thousands of years.

And, of course, the decision will be yours.

Thanks for listening today,

Mina, Rhonda, Matt, and David