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Shoulds and More with

our Beloved Fabrice!

Three little words that will make your life miserable are \\u201cshoulds,\\u201d \\u201cwants,\\u201d and \\u201cneeds,\\u201d says Dr. Fabrice Nye, the father / creator of the Feeling Good Podcast several years ago.

But for the purpose of this episode, we\\u2019ll add a fourth word, \\u201cMusts,\\u201d which was popularized by Dr. Albert Ellis, who referred to it as \\u201cMusterbation.\\u201d

Fabrice says that,

\\u201cShoulds are a trap. . . . There\\u2019s no such thing as a should, except for the laws of nature. For example, if I drop my pen, it \\u201cshould\\u201d fall to the floor because of the effects of gravity. And sure enough, it does!

\\u201cBut when I say, \\u2018I should get an A on my upcoming exam,\\u2019 i may just be setting myself up for frustration. That\\u2019s because there\\u2019s no laws of the universe saying that people will always get As on their exams.

"Similarly, if I say it SHOULDN\\u2019T be raining today, I\'m involved in fiction, not reality. The clouds don\\u2019t obey our whims, they are just obeying the laws that govern the weather.\\u201d

Fabrice explained that when you apply shoulds to some past event, telling yourself that your shouldn\\u2019t have made some mistake, you just make yourself guilty because it sounds like you\\u2019re scolding yourself. Again, you\\u2019re living in some fictitious reality where things are always the way you want them to be, because it\\u2019s impossible to change the past

Fabrice reminded us that the Anglo-Saxon origin of the word, \\u201cshould,\\u201d is \\u201cscolde.\\u201d So when you \\u201cshould\\u201d on yourself, you\\u2019re actually scolding yourself.

Fabrice also explained that the concept of \\u201cneeds\\u201d can also get us into emotional hot water, since we sometimes tell us that we \\u201cneed\\u201d things that we may want but don\\u2019t really \\u201cneed.\\u201d So, if you tell yourself that someone \\u201cneeds\\u201d to do something for you, you are simply applying pressure to the situation. For example, you might want or prefer for the person to be on time for appointments or planned activities, but you don\\u2019t \\u201cneed\\u201d them to be on time.

Similarly, you might want to find someone to love, or someone to love you, but you don\\u2019t \\u201cneed\\u201d love, according to Fabrice. . . . and David agrees! It has been shown in research studies that infants and young children need love to grow and develop in a healthy way, but love is not an adult human need.

According to the Buddhists, \\u201cneeds\\u201d are not real. They\\u2019re just cravings, or intense desires that we\\u2019ve elevated to some godly state.

Of course, there ARE things that we really do \\u201cneed.\\u201d For example, we \\u201cneed\\u201d to breathe to stay alive, and we \\u201cneed\\u201d to have gas in the car if we want to drive to San Francisco. Those things are needed to fulfill a particular goal. So the key to an actual need is adding the phrase, \\u201c...in order to...\\u201d

Fabrice also described some \\u201cwant\\u201d traps. For example, you may sit at your computer cruising the internet or playing digital games, all the while telling yourself \\u201cI really want to get to work on my paper,\\u201d or taxes, or whatever. But in point of fact, you DON\\u2019T want to get to work on the thing you\\u2019re putting off. You WANT to be doing exactly what you are doing.

Fabrice explains that we \\u201ctrick ourselves into thinking we want something (like doing our taxes) when we really want to be doing something else (watching TV, playing computer games.) So, once again, we are telling ourselves stories that don\\u2019t map onto reality."

Our real \\u201cwants\\u201d are the result of an unconscious cost-benefit analysis we make in our head, where the choice that comes out on top is our real want. It\\u2019s only when I really start doing my taxes that I\\u2019ll know this is what I want to be doing (probably because the urgency of the matter made the cost-benefit analysis tip in that direction).

David was trying to see if this concept of \\u201cwants\\u201d can be helpful in therapy but had trouble seeing how this might help someone who\\u2019s procrastinating. Fabrice explained it like this: First, we need to realize that we are doing what we want in the moment; so, it\\u2019s a choice. Next, we can make our cost-benefit analysis conscious and see that we\\u2019re only considering short-term factors (e.g., it\\u2019s a lot more comfortable right now to be watching TV than doing taxes). Finally, we can develop some empathy for our future self (the one who will be pulling an all-nighter three weeks from now, or who will have to pay late fees) to reevaluate our cost-benefit analysis with more complete data.

Fabrice also explained that procrastination can sometimes be difficult to treat because it\\u2019s an addiction.

Rhonda also commented on the use of these concepts in therapy.

Fabrice concluded the podcast by saying that he watches out for those three little words in his own thinking: \\u201cshould, need, or want.\\u201d

Thanks for listening today.

Fabrice, Rhonda, and David

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