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Secrets of Overcoming Romantic Rejection

Part 2 of 2

In last week\'s podcast we interviewed Dr. Kyle Jones on the topic of how to overcome romantic rejection, and answered five of your questions. Today we publish Part 2 of that interview. Rhonda, Kyle and David will tell you how to stop obsessing about someone who has rejected you, and whether you can "heal completely,"and how you can get your confidence back, and more!

6. Do you have any tips for moving on and realizing that maybe your ex isn\\u2019t as great as you think they are?

David

20 qualities I\\u2019m looking for in an ideal mate.

Rhonda

Time, patience, space away from each other. Make lists of qualities you liked about your ex and qualities you wish were different.\\xa0 Fill out the form: \\u201c20 Qualities in An Ideal Mate\\u201d and review how many of these qualities your ex had.

7. Since cheating is something that happens so often in relationships, what would you recommend (techniques wise) for someone who\\u2019s been cheated on in trying to get their confidence back?

David

YOU CAN USE THE DAILY MOOD LOG, DOUBLE STANDARD, ETC. OVERCOME FEAR OF BEING ALONE. ETC. Examine the Evidence; Worst, Best, Average.

Kyle

Cheating can be really devastating if you and your significant other were in a monogamous relationship. What are the negative thoughts you have about yourself after you\\u2019ve been cheated on? Practice talking back to those.

8. How can we boost our confidence back up after a breakup in general even if we haven\\u2019t been cheated on?

David

SAME ANSWER.

Rhonda

Do things you love to do with people who love you:\\xa0 go dancing, go to the beach, go hear music, read, etc.

Daily Mood Log on the thoughts that lead to your lack of confidence.

9. Do you guys believe in the notion that you are capable of \\u201chealing completely from your ex (aka completely being over them and all the pain the breakup brought you)\\u201d or do you believe that it\\u2019s not possible.

David

I MEASURE THINGS. YOU CAN DO WAY BETTER AS YOU GROW. IS THERE A CLAIM THAT THERE IS NOW AN INVISIBLE BARRIER ON YOUR SCORE ON THE BMS. THIS IS SUCH, EXCUSE MY CRUDITY, HOGWASH! HOPEFULLY, YOU\\u2019LL NEVER AGAIN FIND SOMEONE JUST LIKE THE PERSON WHO REJECTED YOU!

Rhonda

You may never be exactly the same, why would you want to be?\\xa0 Every experience in life gives you the opportunity to grow (as cliche and kind of yucky as that sounds).

Maybe you need to acknowledge and examine your role in the breakup, come to a place of humility or maybe even compassion, but definitely understanding. Interpersonal Downward Arrow to look at the Roles and Rules in your past relationships.\\xa0 Relationship Journal to see how you have contributed to the relationship problems.\\xa0 Maybe do Reattribution to see what you contributed to the relationship problems and what they did.

10. What are some realistic expectations to have coming out of a breakup, recovery wise, and what are some unrealistic expectations?

David

I DON\\u2019T IMPOSE MY STANDARDS AND AGENDAS ON OTHERS! THAT\\u2019S LIKE MISSIONARY WORK, TRYING TO GET SOMEONE TO ADOPT YOUR STANDARDS. I TRY TO LISTEN (EMPATHY) AND THEN SET THE AGENDA WITH THE PATIENT, AND THE NEGOTIATION STEP IS SOMETIMES IMPORTANT. I ALSO USE STORY TELLING TO ILLUSTRATE A RADICALLY DIFFERENT REALITY FROM WHAT THE PATIENT \\u201cSEES.\\u201d

Rhonda

I can\\u2019t add anything to that, except, after examining your role in the relationship, you may see the expectations you want to eliminate and the ones you want to maintain.

11. Do you guys feel that you shouldn\\u2019t date for a while after getting your heart broken?

David

THIS CAN BE A GREAT IDEA. I ALWAYS INSIST, AS PART OF NEGOTIATION PHASE OF AGENDA SETTING, THAT THE PERSON OVERCOME THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE BEFORE DATING, WHETHER OR NOT A REJECTION HAPPENED.

Rhonda

This is a very personal decision.\\xa0 Have you had time to heal before getting into a new relationship?\\xa0 Have you had time to examine your role so you can make changes if you choose, so you won\\u2019t repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship?

12. Do you have to move on from your ex to go back out into the dating world again and to possibly be in a relationship again? Do you guys feel that \\u201cjumping\\u201d from relationship to relationship can be a bad thing? Why or why not?

David

THESE THINGS ARE ALWAYS ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS. I THINK IT CAN BE HEALTHY TO DATE A VARIETY OF PEOPLE AND NOT GLOM ONTO THE FIRST PERSON WHO EXPRESSES AN INTEREST IN YOU. THAT WAY, YOU CAN COMPARE A VARIETY OF RELATIONSHIPS AND IN ADDITION, YOUR DATING SKILLS WILL IMPROVE. THE \\u201c20 THINGS I\\u2019M LOOKING FOR IN AN IDEAL MATE\\u201d CAN BE VALUABLE.

Rhonda

\\u201cJumping from relationship to relationship\\u201d sounds so judgmental.\\xa0 Are you finding yourself in relationships where you have similar complaints from your last relationship, repeating patterns that you dislike?\\xa0 Then I would pause and take time to heal and learn before starting another one.

Kyle

What does be \\u201cmoved on\\u201d really mean here? Would you have to never have a thought about your ex again before dating? That might be impossible! I don\\u2019t think there\\u2019s anything wrong with dating multiple people or starting and stopping relationships with some frequency \\u2013 especially if you\\u2019re looking for a good fit and it\\u2019s not working out with someone.

13. How do you overcome your trust issues when getting into another relationship after your heartbreak?

David

PATIENT WOULD HAVE TO GIVE ME A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE, AND NOT DEAL WITH THIS OR ANYTHING \\u201cABSTRACTLY.\\u201d

Rhonda

Daily Mood Log work, starting with a specific event that led to the lack of trust.

Let us know if you would like a third podcast on how to deal with romantic rejection at some point, since we have a number of remaining questions. Thanks!

My book, Intimate Connections, will help you with dating and rejection issues!

You can contact Dr. Kyle Jones at

kyle@feelinggoodinstitute.com

End of Part 2