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Secrets of Overcoming Romantic Rejection

Part 1 of 2

In today\\u2019s podcast we are proud to interview Dr. Kyle Jones from the Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California.

Kyle Jones, PhD is a clinical psychology postdoctoral fellow affiliated with Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California where he provides individual psychotherapy in a private practice. He co-leads a monthly consultation group with Maggie Holtam, PhD where therapists can get help with exposure methods for anxiety. He has recently become an Adjunct Professor of Psychology at Palo Alto University - teaching Clinical Interviewing in the clinical psychology PhD program.

Kyle wrote: \\u201cHere are some questions from patients of mine for our podcast today - we don\'t have to go through all of these bust just some talking points!"

We will publish part of the questions in today\'s podcast, and several more next week. There are even more questions, so let us know if you would want a Part 3 on this topic at some time in the future.

Below you will find the list of questions with some responses by David and Rhonda BEFORE the podcast. To get the true scoop, listen to the podcast, as most of the comments below were simply ideas that popped into our heads prior to the podcast.

Although we focus on romantic rejection in these two podcasts, the idea really pertain to rejection in all segments of our lives.

1. Why do you think it\\u2019s so hard for us humans to handle rejection/why do you think we are so afraid of it?

David

THE LOVE ADDICTION SDB. LOOKING TO EXTERNAL SOURCES FOR FEELINGS OF SELF-WORTH AND HAPPINESS. THE CBA IS CRUCIAL, SINCE PEOPLE MAY NOT WANT TO STOP LINKING SELF WORTH WITH LOVE.

Rhonda

Plus, it hurts.\\xa0 And our brain is wired to experience pain when rejected.\\xa0 We are wired that way.

Evolutionary psychologists believe it all started when we were hunter gatherers who lived in clans. Since we could not survive alone, being ostracized from our clan was basically a death sentence. As a result, we developed an early warning system to alert us when we were at risk of being rejected by our tribemates. People who experienced rejection as more painful were more likely to change their behavior, remain in the clan, and pass along their genes.

Kyle

Getting dumped sucks! We aren\\u2019t really taught how to handle rejection very well in our culture.

2. Are we capable of overcoming the fear of rejection and how do we accomplish that?\\xa0

David

You can face your fear with REJECTION PRACTICE. The FIRST SECTION OF INTIMATE CONNECTIONS IS ON OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.

Rhonda

Is part of the fear of rejection also a fear of being alone?\\xa0 You can use the \\u201cWhat If\\u201d technique to uncover more about those fears.\\xa0 Then put the thoughts in a Daily Mood Log, and challenge them with a variety of techniques you can select for a Recovery Circle. You can also face your fears with Rejection Practice and/or Exposure.

3. When it comes to getting dumped do you guys believe there is a good way to approach it communicating wise?

David

YOU CAN USE FIVE SECRETS TO FIND OUT WHY THE OTHER PERSON IS REJECTING YOU. OR, PERHAPS BETTER, YOU CAN TURN THE TABLES ON THE REJECTOR, SINCE IT IS PART OF A CHASE GAME.

Rhonda

If you want to know more about why you were \\u201cdumped,\\u201d will you trust the other person to be honest with you?\\xa0 Will you believe them when they respond?\\xa0 You might want to do a Cost Benefit Analysis to decide whether or not you even want to ask them to explain why you were \\u201cdumped.\\u201d

Kyle

It depends on the situation. If you have gone through a divorce and have children, you may still need to talk with you ex-partner. Generally, I don\\u2019t think it\\u2019s a good idea to stay in touch and keep chatting with an ex who dumped you!

4. If we are caught off guard with the breakup and don\\u2019t see it coming and all of a sudden one day our partner decides to end the relationship, how do we not let our emotions get the best of us in that moment in that very moment?

David

WHEN YOU SAY, \\u201cGET THE BEST OF US\\u201d IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU\\u2019RE NOT ACCEPTING YOUR FEELINGS. IS IT OKAY TO FEEL FEELINGS? THIS QUESTION SOUNDS LIKE EMOTOPHOBIA.

Rhonda

It\\u2019s perfectly reasonable to be sad, to cry, to be shocked and angry.\\xa0 Why not have those feelings?\\xa0 You also don\\u2019t have to expect to respond with a \\u201cperfect 5-Secrets.\\u201d\\xa0 Maybe you need to take a break from each other, breathe, walk, calm down, and then meet again to talk talk, if that is what you want to do.

Kyle

If you get blindsided by a breakup it can really be shocking and overwhelming. It\\u2019s okay to feel how you feel in that moment I would think.

5. When it comes to recovery after being broken up with, how do you fight the urge to go back to your ex?

David

THIS URGE IS DUE TO THE BURNS RULE: WE ONLY WHAT WE CAN\\u2019T GET, AND NEVER WANT WHAT WE CAN GET. ALSO, CAN DO A CBA ON CHASING.

Rhonda

Also, look at the thoughts that are leading you to want to get back together.\\xa0 What do they say about you that is awesome?\\xa0 Then examine them for Cognitive Distortions, and talk back to them with Dbl Standard or Ext of Voices.

Do a \\u201cTime Projection,\\u201d see yourself in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years.\\xa0 Have a conversation with your future selves to talk about what you want, what kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated in the future.

Practice \\u201cDistraction,\\u201d when you start thinking about your \\u201cex\\u201d distract yourself by concentrating intensely on something else, music, work, friends, cooking, another hobby.

Kyle

Come back to reality and remember all the crummy ways an ex may have been treating you, instead of letting your mind ruminate on how great things were during the first few weeks of dating. Come up with all the good reasons to continue wishing/hoping you and your ex will get back together and talk back to those.

My book, Intimate Connections, will help you with dating and rejection issues!

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.