Cheerleading | Empathy |
You\\u2019re trying to cheer someone up to make them feel better. | You are not trying to cheer them up. Instead, you acknowledge how they\\u2019re thinking and feeling, and you encourage them to vent and open up. |
You don\\u2019t acknowledge the validity of the person\\u2019s negative thoughts and emotions. In fact, when you try to cheer them up, you\\u2019re essentially telling that they\\u2019re wrong to feel upset. It\\u2019s a subtle put down, or even a micro-aggression. | You find the grain of truth in what the person is saying, even if you think they\\u2019re exaggerating the negatives in their life. \\xa0 Paradoxically, when you agree with them in a respectful way, they will typically feel some relief and support. |
The effect is irritating to almost everybody who\\u2019s upset, because you aren\\u2019t listening or showing any compassion or respect. You\\u2019re telling them that you don\\u2019t want to hear what they have to say. Cheerleading is condescending. | Listening and acknowledging how they feel is a form of humility and an expression of respect. |
You\\u2019re trying to control the other person. You\\u2019re telling them how they should think and feel. There\\u2019s no acceptance. | You\\u2019re sitting with open hands and not trying to change or control the other person. You\\u2019re just trying to understand and support them in their suffering. |
Cheerleading is cheap and easy to learn. You\\u2019re like a used car salesman, trying to promote your product. | Empathy is difficult and challenging to learn because you have to let go of the idea that you know what\\u2019s best for other people. Listening requires going into the darkness with the other person, this requires courage and vulnerability. |
You say generally nice things about someone, like you\\u2019re \\u201ca good person,\\u201d or \\u201ca survivor,\\u201d thinking those formulaic words will somehow change the way the other person is thinking and feeling. You might also say, \\u201cdon\\u2019t be so hard on yourself,\\u201d or \\u201cthink of all the positive things in your life,\\u201d or \\u201cyou\\u2019ll be fine.\\u201d | You focus on the other person\\u2019s specific thoughts and zero in on exactly what they\\u2019re saying and how they might be feeling, rather than throwing vague, general positives at them. |
These positives are simply an annoying attempt to distract the person from their genuine feelings. | You encourage the person to share and experience their negative thoughts and feelings. |
You believe your role is to \\u201chelp,\\u201d \\u201cfix\\u201d or \\u201csave\\u201d the other person, who is broken. | Your role is to be with the other person in a loving way without trying to help or save them. |
You are being self-centered because you\\u2019re essentially preaching the gospel and exclusively promoting your own ideas. | You are being other-centered, focusing entirely on what the other person is saying. |
You\\u2019re talking \\u201cat\\u201d the other person. | You are NOT talking AT them, you are being WITH them. |