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How to Master the Five Secrets: If You Dare!

In our recent podcast surveys, one of the highest rated show topics was learning therapy techniques, both for therapists and for the general public. That\\u2019s why today we\\u2019re going to take a deeper dive on some of the fine points of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. We\\u2019ll show you how to use them with individuals who are angry and hostile, including some patients with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as kids who may be ticked off at a parent. These topics were specifically requested by people who completed the podcast survey.

Link to Five Secrets

The Five Secrets are like a fantastic musical instrument, capable of working magic for troubled relationships. You can\\u2019t just sit down at a fine grand piano and pound on the keys and expect great music to emerge. You\\u2019ll just get cacophony.

To learn the Five Secrets, you need:

• Great determination and desire

• The willingness to endure the \\u201cGreat Death\\u201d of the \\u201cself,\\u201d or pride.

• Tons of ongoing practice with immediate feedback and deliberate practice involving role reversals until you get it \\u201cright,\\u201d or receive an \\u201cA.\\u201d

To get started, Rhonda and David made a list of a few of the most challenging criticisms a therapist might hear from a patient, or a parent might hear from a teenager.

Criticisms from patients included:

• You don\\u2019t care about me!

• I\\u2019m not getting better. You\\u2019re not helping me!

• You charge too much!

• All you care about is your darn techniques.

• That\\u2019s not my child\\u2019s name! You\\u2019re not listening to me!

And this one, from a first time patient referred by the courts:

• I got anxious last night and masturbated to your image, which I found on the internet, and it really helped!

These are some criticisms from kids:

• Stop nagging me!

• Stop giving me advice. I don\\u2019t want any advice!

We demonstrated the \\u201cIntimacy Exercise\\u201d I have created for our training programs. You can use this exercise to work on conflicts with patients and conflicts with loved ones. It works exactly the same way in both situations. You\\u2019ll need someone to practice with.

Step 1. One of you agrees to play the critic and the other plays the role of the person being attacked (therapist or parent, for example.)

Step 2. The person playing the role of the critic verbalizes the hostile comment.

Step 3. The person playing the role of the therapist / parent responds as effectively as you can, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication.

Now you must STOP. The exchange is done. No further interaction in the role playing format is permitted.

Step 4. The person who played the role of the therapist / parent gives himself / herself a grade between A and F. Ask yourself, \\u201cHow well did I do just now?\\u201d

Step 5. The person who played the role of the critic gives the therapist / parent a letter grade, and then provides the following specific kinds of feedback using Five Secrets language.

Positive Feedback: Here\\u2019s what you said that worked pretty well. Your Thought Empathy was great, and your Disarming Technique was fairly good. Your Stroking was excellent, especially when you said X, Y, or Z.

Negative Feedback: Here\\u2019s what you said that needs a little fine tuning: Your Feeling Empathy was completely missing\\u2014you did not acknowledge how the other person was feeling. Your \\u201cI Feel\\u201d statements were also missing, and there was no Inquiry at the end.

Then you can suggest ways to include the Five Secrets elements that were missing or \\u201coff,\\u201d and demonstrate how you might improve the response to the criticism with a role reversal, followed by another round of grading and positive and negative feedback.

Continue using role-reversals until both parties can get an A on the exercise, always using the same harsh criticism that you\\u2019re trying to learn how to master. Don\\u2019t try something new until you\\u2019ve mastered the thing you\\u2019re working on.

The practice is powerful but hard, and requires the philosophy of \\u201cjoyous failure.\\u201d This means welcoming the chance to get immediate feedback about your skills, or lack of skill, instead of getting blown away, defensive, or \\u201cyes-butting\\u201d the person who\\u2019s trying to correct your technique.

You will hear some pretty dramatic examples of this on today\\u2019s podcast!

The Five Secrets can be life-changing, but the price of learning is fairly stiff. If you want the rewards, the exercise we demonstrate in today\\u2019s podcast can be incredibly helpful\\u2014but scary!

Also, you can read my book, Feeling Good Together, and do the written exercises while reading if you\\u2019re a therapist or a general citizen. This helps a lot. Dr. Jill Levitt said she kept Feeling Good Together on her nightstand for more than a year when she first joined by training group at Stanford. Her dedication and hard work have clearly paid off for her.

If you\\u2019re a therapist, you can also read the chapters on E = Empathy in my Tools, Not Schools, of Therapy book, and make sure you do the written exercises while reading!

Thanks so much! And good luck if you\\u2019re brave enough to try our \\u201cIntimacy Exercise!\\u201d

David and Rhonda

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