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ROUND 1: A former guerrilla fighter, convicted drug trafficker & biological father of at least 50 kids also became the world\u2019s oldest professional soccer player this week. The real kicker? He\u2019s the Vice President of Suriname. \n\nROUND 2: Ahh the Bactrian Treasure\u2026 Ancient artifacts of gold & gems considered Afghanistan\u2019s most important & valuable\u2026 but where is it now?!\n\nROUND 3: Remember fallen tech superstar Elizabeth Holmes & her fake deep voice & her Steve Jobs all black outfits & her fraudulent startup, Theranos? That was weird. Remember how Former Defense Secretary James Mattis was on the company\u2019s board? That was weird, too. This week he\u2019s testifying in court & sharing how he was duped!\n\nROUND 4: Biden opposes honorable discharges for troops who refuse vaccine\n\nROUND 5: Siiiick Calllllllll! Man ejaculates from anus but waits 2 years for medical help

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