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Published: April 3, 2024, 8 a.m.

Hello everyone. If you haven\u2019t listened to episode 215, \u201cSearching for my Birth Father,\u201d I suggest listening to\xa0that episode before continuing with this one. Just go to johncertalic.com/215. Today\u2019s episode, #216, continues with the theme of how understanding our past helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be.

Before we get into this I need to tell you that Carol, our announcer and executive director on vacation this week. Filling in for her is the latest addition to our staff, our chaplain and family cat, Father Patrick O\u2019Malley. You\u2019ll see his picture at the top of our show notes for today\u2019s episode.

Picking\xa0 up where we left off in the previous episode

We left off episode 215 with the end of a conversation I had with my mother in the early 1990s about wanting to track down my birth father. The only information she had on him was that Jack Byrd, a truck driver, lived in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1948.

I\u2019ll continue now reading from edited excerpts from my book, THEM\xa0 that describe what I did next.\xa0

* \xa0 * \xa0 *

At the time of this talk with my mother, our son and daughter were attending Grace College in Winona Lake, Indiana, about forty miles from Fort Wayne. I learned through my genealogy class that Fort Wayne has one of the best genealogy libraries in the country.

Planning a trip to discover more about my past

I thought I would extend one of our weekend trips to visit our kids by driving to Fort Wayne to try locating this Jack Byrd. But without the Internet, and certainly without Google, I didn\u2019t have a lot to go on. Just his name, and a seemingly common one at that, his occupation, and where he lived 43 years ago.

Before going to Fort Wayne, I started some research from home using directory assistance. (My apologies here to the thirty and younger crowd. Ask your parents or grandparents about \u201cdirectory assistance.\u201d) I called the Fort Wayne area code, asking for the phone number of any Jack Byrd, of which there were three. Each with different middle names or initials. So I called my mother and asked her if she remembered his middle name, and she did \u2014it was Edward. Jack Edward Byrd.

Then I called the only Jack E. Byrd listed with directory assistance and found out he wasn\u2019t the Byrd I was looking for.\xa0This Jack Byrd told me the following, \u201cBack in the 1950s, I used to get mistaken for him all the time. Bill collectors and other people kept calling me, thinking I was the other Jack E. Byrd. It was quite annoying. Sorry I can\u2019t help you out, but good luck in finding him.\u201d\xa0

A second dead-end in search for my birth father

Starting this search process surprised me; something I had ignored for thirty years had developed into a sense of urgency to locate my birth father. It created an adrenaline rush in me that lasted for about six months. In the\xa0genealogy class I learned of services that track down birth parents for adopted children. So I contacted one and paid twenty- five dollars for them to try locating Jack Edward Byrd. They came up with nothing. They\u2019re not trying hard enough, I thought.\xa0

Undeterred by this dead end, Janet and I decided to visit our college kids over their homecoming weekend in October of 1991. We drove down on a Thursday evening.\xa0 Then on Friday, while Janet spent time with our daughter Jennifer and our son Michael in Winona Lake, I drove over to Fort Wayne. I wanted to use what I had been learning in my genealogy class to try locating this mystery man in my life.\xa0

My first stop was the Allen County Public Library in Fort Wayne, where I camped out in the Genealogical Department. Looking through every source I could think of, I documented my research as I used to do when I wrote term papers in college. Using one bit of information to lead to another energized me. I started looking through obituary notices from the Fort Wayne newspaper. I found nothing there. I had to move on to something different, and to do it quickly, for I was due back in Winona Lake the same evening to attend homecoming activities with our kids.\xa0

Looking for keys to my past at the library and courthouse

Checking out city directories, I found listings for Jack E. Byrd from 1946 to 1955. His employers indicated several trucking firms he worked for during this period. He disappeared after that. I looked for current listings of these same trucking companies, but they did not exist anymore. Had they still been in business, maybe an old-timer there would have remembered my birth father. Time was running out and I still hadn\u2019t gotten the information I needed. Maybe I\u2019ll have to come back and visit the addresses where he lived in the early 1950s to see if any of the neighbors were there at the time, and if so, ask if they knew his whereabouts.\xa0

With nowhere else to look in the Genealogical Department of the Allen County Library, and with time moving quickly, I went across the street to the Allen County Courthouse. It was there I found a treasure trove of information I needed. Room 201 houses the marriage and divorce records, so I started there. I was surprised, yet not surprised at what I found.\xa0

It\u2019s amazing what information you can find on a marriage license. I discovered Jack Edward Byrd was born on April 4, 1922. This April 4th date is a very significant date in my own history, which I will get to later.\xa0

Back to the story. Jack Byrd\xa0married a woman named Helen Jane Williamson in 1940. I was pretty sure this was my Jack Edward Byrd because it showed his occupation as a truck driver living in the area. This marriage was his first of six, five of which ended in divorce. One ended with the death of his last wife.\xa0

My birth father\u2019s other family

At the time of my birth in February 1949 he was on wife number three and had four children from these marriages. Then there was me. I was conceived the same month his fourth child was born. So he was right in telling my mother when she announced her pregnancy to him that he had another family in Indiana and couldn\u2019t support the two of us and his Indiana family at the same time.\xa0

I certainly had no illusions my birth father was the epitome of virtue or that Focus on the Family was going to be contacting him anytime soon to present\xa0a lifetime achievement award. He was married three more times after I was born. On several of the wedding licenses, I noticed he either lied to whomever recorded the information, or there was a misprint.\xa0

The clock was ticking ever faster as I read through all this data. I wrote down names and any possible contact information from documents I discovered that I could later follow up on when I got home. Once I had gotten all there was to get in room 201, I then checked for civil and probate records, but I wasn\u2019t very thorough because their indexing system was hard to figure out and there wasn\u2019t time to learn it.\xa0

I still had about an hour left to do whatever research I could. There was more I could check, but it might have to wait for another trip to Fort Wayne. But the adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to use every minute left.\xa0

One final push to gather information about my past

So I went across the street from the courthouse to the city/ county building to look for records there. Nothing turned up for Jack E. Byrd, but I did find a few records for his son Timothy Kevin Byrd. First a property deed from 1990, then divorce papers from his wife. I wrote down any names and contact information I could follow up on later.\xa0

With lots of paper filled with my notes, I headed back to Winona Lake for the evening activities with our son and daughter. I had spent the day using what I learned in the genealogy class, as well as what I learned from a summer job when I was a teacher. I worked for an insurance investigation firm where I checked court documents, looking for criminal records and civil actions. Added to this were the skills I developed as a headhunter, where I used one\xa0

bit of information to lead to another. All of this experience came into play in searching for Jack Edward Byrd. I think I was enjoying this process more than I should have. It gave me a sense of control and power over what had rendered me powerless for so many years.\xa0

Once we were back home in Milwaukee after my foray into the secrets of the Allen County Courthouse, I organized the notes I had taken and began mapping out a plan to locate Jack E. Byrd.

Making phone calls to discover more of my past

Using directory assistance, I started calling Jack E. Byrd\u2019s ex-wives and children, whose names I had found on marriage and divorce records. Several of them were easily located; others I could not find. The ones I could locate were scattered around various communities in Indiana. Unlike their husband\xa0

and father, they didn\u2019t stray far from their Hoosier roots. He, on the other hand, as I discovered, strayed as geographically as he did in his marital relationships, ending up in various cities in Alabama and Florida.\xa0

In calling the contacts I located, I didn\u2019t want this skeleton in their family closets to come falling down on them, fracturing something in them like it did me. I didn\u2019t want to open a can of worms for them. I didn\u2019t want to let the cat out of the bag. I didn\u2019t want to use other clich\xe9s for this very important process to me. I had to be honest, yet not reveal too much that would arouse suspicion.\xa0

So when I called, I would introduce myself and simply say, \u201cI am doing research into my family history and as part of the search, I\u2019m trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. Do you know if he\u2019s still alive and if so, what his phone number is?\u201d\xa0

One bit of information leads to another piece of my past\xa0

No one ever questioned my motives. No one ever asked how I might be related. No one ever asked, \u201cWell, if you think you\u2019re related to Jack Byrd, do you think maybe you might be related to me, too?\u201d If they had, I probably would have just hung up the phone without answering. I\u2019ve learned not every question people ask needs to be answered. I\u2019ve also learned on the rare\xa0occasion when people ask me a question that makes me feel uncomfortable, it helps to ask a question in return, \u201cWhy do you ask?\u201d\xa0

One particular ex-wife I contacted, a woman living in Rensselaer, Indiana, was most helpful. She had lost track of her ex a number of years ago, but she had a lot of names and phone numbers of family members who might know the whereabouts of one Jack E. Byrd. She did think he was still alive. I spent many evenings calling these leads and asking each of them for additional leads. Lots of phone calls, but no success. That was okay, though, because I was doing something. I could do, rather than feel. Doing something gave me a measure of control. It quieted the \u201cyou never should have been born; it\u2019s not how people are supposed to come into the world\u201d voices.\xa0

One night, while going through my notes from my research in Fort Wayne, I found notes I had scribbled down from the divorce papers of one of Jack Byrd\u2019s sons, Timothy Kevin Byrd. I should mention that in my search, I was always asking for leads to any of Jack Byrd\u2019s children, thinking they would likely know how to reach their father, if in fact, he was still alive.\xa0

An attorney gives me a clue to help discover my past

For some unexplainable reason, when I was at the courthouse, I also wrote down the name of the attorney and law firm that handled the divorce for Timothy Kevin Byrd, which took place in the 1980s.\xa0

The next day, I called the law firm of that attorney and asked to speak to him. Relieved he was still with them, I explained I was doing some family history research and noticed in some court documents he represented Timothy Kevin Byrd\u2019s divorce.\xa0

\u201cHe is someone I may be related to and I\u2019d like to talk to him. Do you know how I can reach him?\u201d\xa0

\u201cWell, if I did, I couldn\u2019t tell you\u2014attorney-client privilege and all that. I do remember him, though, and by the way, he goes by Kevin Byrd. I haven\u2019t talked to him in years, but the last I heard, he had moved to Ohio.\u201d\xa0

That explained why I couldn\u2019t locate him through directory assistance in the (219) area code in Indiana. In those days, there was no nationwide directory\xa0assistance\u2014you had to make a request for a person in a specific city, or at the very least, in a specific area code.\xa0

\u201cWhat about his wife, his ex-wife? Do you know how I can reach her?\u201d\xa0

\u201cHmm. I think she still lives in the Fort Wayne area,\u201d he replied.\xa0

This is sure awkward

I had her name from the divorce records so I called directory assistance in Fort Wayne, got her phone number, and then waited a few days before calling. I sensed this call was going to finally lead to where I wanted to go. It felt like I was closing in on a hunt I did not want to end. It was like coming to the end of a good book you didn\u2019t want to finish because the pleasure of reading it would also come to an end. That\u2019s why I waited before I called.\xa0

More nervous than in any of my previous calls, when Kevin Byrd\u2019s ex-wife answered the phone I said, \u201cHi, you don\u2019t know me, but my name is John Certalic. I\u2019m doing research into my family history and as part of this, I\u2019m trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. I understand you used to be married to one of his sons, Kevin. Is that correct?\u201d\xa0

Then silence. And more silence.\xa0

Finally, with a nervous, halting voice, she replied, \u201cYes, that\u2019s correct.\u201d\xa0

\u201cI\u2019m wondering if I can ask you a few questions about Jack Byrd.\u201d\xa0

Silence once again on the other end of the line. After a very long pause, she said, \u201cCan you call me back tomorrow?\u201d\xa0

With her voice cracking, it sounded like she was starting to hyperventilate. \u201cI was married to Kevin for only a year and your call has just opened up a lot of very painful wounds and memories.\u201d\xa0

Opening up painful wounds in another\u2019s past

\u201cOh, of course I can call back. I am so sorry. It was not my intent to do this to you. I am so sorry.\u201d\xa0

\u201cCall tomorrow. I just need some time to think about this and see if I can talk about it. It was all so terrible.\u201d\xa0

\u201cI understand, and I apologize for the pain I\u2019ve caused you.\u201d\xa0

\u201cOkay.\u201d

Click.\xa0

Yikes! What had I done to the poor woman? Some stranger calls her out of the blue and wants to bring up a very painful part of her past. I felt terrible. So I waited several days before calling back.\xa0

\u201cHi, this is John Certalic again, I spoke to you a few days ago.\u201d\xa0

\u201cYes, I remember. I\u2019m sorry I cut you off, but that period in my life was so awful. It was a very abusive marriage. But you asked about Kevin\u2019s father, Jack. He and Kevin were very similar. Angry, abusive men. Jack was very tall. His face was pock-marked, probably from acne as a kid years ago.\u201d\xa0

\u201cIs he still alive?\u2019

\u201cI don\u2019t know. It\u2019s been many years since I last saw him.\u201d

\u201cDo you know where he might be living now?\u201d

\u201cNo.\u201d

\u201cHow about your ex-husband, Kevin? Do you know how I can\xa0reach him?\u201d

\u201cI don\u2019t have a phone number for him. The last I heard, he was\xa0living in Columbus, Ohio.\u201d

\u201cWell, thank you so much. You\u2019ve been very helpful to me. And\xa0again, I am sorry for reminding you of a painful part of your past.\u201d\xa0

\u201cThat\u2019s okay.\u201d\xa0

\u201cGoodbye.\u201d\xa0

Another clue to discovering my past

It was becoming clear to me that perhaps the path to Jack Byrd was through his son Kevin. So I called directory assistance in Columbus, Ohio, and found no listing for him.\xa0

Another roadblock. What do I do next?\xa0

I went back to my notes and after looking through them, decided to re-contact Jack Byrd\u2019s ex-wives to see if they knew how I could reach the son, Kevin Byrd. I don\u2019t know why I hadn\u2019t thought of that before.\xa0

One of the ex-wives said, \u201cOh, Kevin. Yes, he is living in Columbus, Ohio now. I think I do have his phone number. Let me see, now. Where did I put it?\u201d\xa0

Oh, please, dear God. Let her find the number.

\u201cYes, here it is. His phone number is ....\u201d

Now we were getting somewhere. Another lead, a good lead, to\xa0

follow up. The adrenaline was flowing again. I now knew how to reach the closest relative yet to my birth father. But I was getting more nervous about blowing my cover. What if he was more inquisitive than all the others? What if he wanted to know how I thought I might be related to his father? I needed\xa0to be honest, yet I wanted to respect everyone\u2019s privacy. I didn\u2019t want a repeat of what had happened with the call to his ex-wife.\xa0

It was getting a bit tense. A week went by before I summoned the courage to call the son of my biological father. My half-brother, Kevin Byrd. Same father. Different mothers. It occurred to me then that all of my siblings are half-brothers or half-sisters\u2014the four I grew up with, and the many others I had never met. Nothing in me seemed whole.\xa0

Everything was half-this, half-that

Everything was half. I was half-happy. Half-depressed. Nothing was full as it should be. I was not even fully adopted, for I had been raised by half of my birth parents, and adopted by the other half. This sometimes depressed me,\xa0

too. If both my birth parents had abandoned me, maybe I would have had more reason to be depressed all the time as a kid and young adult.\xa0

Nothing was normal. That\u2019s how it felt during my search.\xa0

Not long ago, though, I found some healing from this at a wedding for one of my nieces. I don\u2019t remember how we got on the subject but my brother Joe, who I grew up with, looked at one of my sisters and me, and shaking his head in disbelief, said, \u201cI NEVER considered John my half-brother. He was always just my brother. Never just a half-brother.\u201d What wonderful healing words those were to me.\xa0

The final clue\xa0

The search for my birth father, rather than depressing me, energized me. The next thing to do was to call his son, Kevin Byrd. After staring at the phone one evening, and picking it up and setting it down once or twice, I finally dialed his number.\xa0

\u201cHello, you don\u2019t know me, but my name is John Certalic. I\u2019m doing some research into my family history and as part of this, I\u2019m trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, and I understand you are his son. Am I correct?\u201d\xa0

\u201cYes, I\u2019m his son.\u201d

\u201cGreat. Is he still alive?\u201d

\u201cYes, he is, last time I checked.\u201d

\u201cDo you know where he is living now and how I can reach him?\u201d

\xa0\u201cDad is living outside of Mobile, Alabama. He moved down there when he retired. He got tired of winters in the Midwest. I\u2019ve got his phone number right here; I just talked to him a few days ago. Here\u2019s his number... Oh, and when you call, let the phone ring for a long time. He\u2019s hard of hearing now and it will take him a while to get to the phone.\u201d\xa0

\u201cThanks. I appreciate your help. Goodbye.\u201d\xa0

Now what?

More to come in the next episode

We need to stop here because I know you have other things to do with your day. But we\u2019ll pick up and hopefully finish this story in our next episode, #217 in two weeks. I think you\u2019ll be interested in hearing what happened when I actually called Jack Byrd and what he had to say to me.\xa0

For now, though, I want to remind you of the theme of this little chapter of my past, namely that understanding our past and where we\u2019ve come from helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be. \xa0

It\u2019s a theme that can be part of your story as well. For me, I certainly didn\u2019t find any joy at the time in being the person God created me to be. That realization took time. But looking back now, I can see things more clearly.\xa0

The April 4ths connections\xa0

Here\u2019s just one example, the whole April 4th thing that I mentioned earlier. In my search for Jack Byrd, I discovered his\xa0birthday is April 4th. That day is also the day I found Jesus in 1968, which is my spiritual birthday. It\u2019s also the same day Martin Luther King was assassinated. He transitioned out of this world into a new life the same day I entered a new life. \xa0

And then the same thing happened to one of the dearest people in my life, My mother-in-law, Elda Millane, when she died at age 96 on April 4th, 2020. She had been suffering from Alzheimer\u2019s for at least the previous 12 years. It was both a sad and joyous occasion. And it\u2019s the subject of episode 059, \u201cThe Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy.\u201d\xa0 I\u2019ll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.\xa0 It\u2019s really one of my favorites. I hope you listen to it someday.

Thinking about all these connections to April 4th just gives me chills and draws me to the love of God.

Closing

In closing, I\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to think about how God has been shaping you, even from an early age, to be the person he\u2019s created to be. And to find a measure of joy in that reality.

Well, that\u2019s it for today. If there\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \u201cShare This\u201d bar.

And don\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\xa0 And I\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\u2019s shows

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy

029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1

030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2

Most prior recent episode

215: Searching For My Birth Father

All past and future episodes\xa0 \xa0 JohnCertalic.com

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