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Published: Feb. 21, 2024, 9 a.m.

One thing on my mind lately is a question about the meaningful conversations we sometimes have with friends, and what makes them different from other conversations. I started thinking about this while reading news articles about the Super Bowl played earlier this month.

Meaningful conversations and the Super Bowl don\u2019t quite seem to fit together, but they do in my mind.\xa0 Keep listening and I\u2019ll explain the connection in today\u2019s episode, number 213.

Welcome to today\u2019s episode

Maybe they\u2019ve always done this, I don\u2019t know, but it seems that sports journalists lately are using a new format to write about upcoming sporting events. It\u2019s a pattern where the headline states a specific number of things to look for when one team plays another.

Take the recent Super Bowl from a few weeks ago, for example. \u201cFive things to Watch for When the 49ers take on the Kansas City Chiefs\u201d would be a common headline in news stories. Articles like this help the reader focus on specifics of the game coming up.

This makes me think what if we took the same news approach to analyze the conversations we have with the people close to us. I wonder what that would do to enhance our relationships.\xa0 Would it make for more meaningful conversations with the people close to us?

I\u2019m going to try this out in today\u2019s episode I\u2019m calling\xa0 Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation with a Friend

Here goes. First off,\xa0

Notice if the topic of conversation with your friend is new or is it one that\u2019s been repeated many times before?\xa0

Assuming neither of you are suffering from Alzheimer\u2019s, do you or your friend frequently cover the same ground you\u2019ve gone over many times before? For example, does the topic of conversation drift once again to discussing your body\u2019s aches and pains? My friend Robert calls these \u201corgan recitals.\u201d Or does it go to concern about wayward children? The state of our country or culture? Should I buy brown carpeting or grey carpeting? Things you\u2019ve talked about many, many times before.

Why are some conversations with our friends like this? Is there nothing else on our minds? Are we that shallow?

I don\u2019t think so.

My guess is that people who bring up the same topics over and over again are bound up by the unspoken emotions about those topics. No. 1 on the list would be fear, or one of its cousins, like anxiety. Sadness or regret would not be far behind. They are all close relatives.

We sometimes ruminate over things because we haven\u2019t put words to what we\u2019re feeling about those concerns.\xa0 Instead, what if we talked about the emotions riding on the backs of the topics we repeatedly bring up and see where the conversation goes? It will be a lot better than going in a never-ending circle we often go around in.

A second thing to look for that\u2019s important to having meaningful conversations is to notice who does most of the talking.

Notice who does most of the talking\xa0

There are certainly times where a conversation with a friend needs to be all about them. One person should have the floor for the entire time when they are dealing with a recent loss or some unexpected circumstance. But it shouldn\u2019t be a pattern every time you talk. \xa0

I have an extended family relative who is quite a charming extrovert that I only see at extended family gatherings like weddings and funerals. Everyone likes the guy. He holds court with all the relatives and goes on for what seems like hours talking about what\u2019s going on in his life. We know all about him. He knows virtually nothing about the rest of us.

There\u2019s no air time for a meaningful conversation with him. It\u2019s always an interesting monologue from his lips, but there\u2019s no back and forth dialog.

\xa0You see the same thing in restaurants sometimes with small groups of people. One person dominates the conversation. And it\u2019s usually someone who talks loudly so you can\u2019t help but overhear what he or she is talking about.\xa0

Many times If you look at the faces of those not talking in the group you\u2019ll see blank stares.

In most meaningful conversations people take turns talking and listening. Some may talk more than others, but do they also listen at some point in the conversation? Is there give and take, or is one person giving a speech to an audience?

Here\u2019s another thing to watch for in a conversation with friends.

Is the conversation more about the head or is it more about the heart?

Conversations about facts or events, or little things running around inside our brain, can be very meaningful. I\u2019ve had quite a number of them in my lifetime that center on what I think as opposed to what\xa0 feel. I think of the conversation I had in my twenties with Vern who was twice my age, and the time I asked him what he thought about a career change I was considering. His simple, \u201cI think you\u2019d be good at that\u201d changed my life.

Then there are the conversations about the heart. For example, there are two topics on the hearts of most Baby Boomers like me that don\u2019t get talked about much. The first is Who\u2019s going to take care of me in my old age when I can no longer care for myself? Who\u2019s going to be there for me?\xa0 Single people think it\u2019s more of an issue for them. But it isn\u2019t. It\u2019s on the mind of married couples just as much. Will my spouse be up to the task? And my kids, will I be able to count on them?

Another important heart topic

Related to this issue is the second heart topic, Will I run out of money at the end of my life, and if so, what do I do then?

As helpful as conversations can be that come from our heads, those that come from our hearts do a better job of bringing us closer together with each other.\xa0

Inasmuch as we have control of a conversation, we do ourselves a favor when we look for and discuss the emotional aspects surrounding the issues of life. Like baby boomers talking about their worries of who\u2019s going to care for me. Who can I trust at the end of my life? Regrets for not saving as much as I could have, or not being able to save anything earlier for my later years.

Here\u2019s another thing to watch for in our conversation with friends.

Be mindful of how many times the topic of conversation changes\xa0

The more topics brought up in a conversation, the less listening is going on. Talking a little about many things is not nearly as life-giving as talking at length about one subject.\xa0

The \u201cLet\u2019s talk about everything\u201d approach hijacks a conversation by using what someone is talking about as a springboard to share one\u2019s own related experience. For example, if Monica talks about the great vacation she had visiting the Grand Canyon, and Alyssa jumps in with \u201cI was there too, about seven years ago with my family. The best part for me on that trip was\u2026.\u201d\xa0 Yeah, that\u2019s not good. We\u2019ve gone from Monica having the floor to Alyssa taking it away from her.

To keep the topics of conversation to a minimum, notice if people are asking questions, especially follow-up questions. This tends to keep interactions focused. It\u2019s all part of good listening and people refraining from sharing every thought that pops into their heads.

Finally, watch for how the conversation ends.

Notice how the conversation ends

As a conversation begins to wind down, do you end up wanting more, or are you glad to can move on to other things?\xa0 Janet and I were at a Bible study recently and during a break in the study, we were in conversation with a friend who brought up a podcast she was listening to from John Eldridge. She was talking about how men and women look at Valentine\u2019s Day differently and how Eldridge had a panel of men sharing their views. She was quite interested in the male perspective and how it compared to her own. But then our break ended and we had to return to the Bible study.

But I wanted to know more. I think every meaningful conversation ends with some form of \u201cI want to know more.\u201d\xa0

Boring conversations, however, often end with, \u201cThank goodness that\u2019s over.\u201d

What to do next

So there you have it , five things to watch for in your next conversation with friends. When we get good at noticing the things I\u2019ve mentioned, there are steps we can take to make for more meaningful conversations.

Quickly, here they are:

1. Don\u2019t bring up something you\u2019ve talked about many times before because you haven\u2019t dealt with the emotions about the issue. Don\u2019t be an airplane circling the airport for hours on end. Land the plane.

1. Let the other person speak. Don\u2019t be the one who does all the talking. Drop the monologue. Get others engaged. Ask questions. Follow-up questions.\xa0

1. Comment on the feelings connected\xa0 with the head issues in your interaction. Talk about the emotion. It will make for a more meaningful conversation. What\u2019s on our heart is really important. Don\u2019t ignore it.

1. Stick to one issue in a conversation as long as possible. Don\u2019t change the subject.\xa0 Keep the spotlight on the other person. Let them have the floor. They may need to talk more to process what\u2019s on their heart. Stick to one topic. Your turn will come later.

1. Leave people wanting more. Be intriguing to others. Bring up topics or make statements that engage others. Do what you can to make for a meaningful conversation that others don\u2019t want to see end.

Closing

Well that\u2019s about it for today. I have links at the bottom of the show notes to past episodes related to today\u2019s topic.\xa0 I\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to watch for the things you can do to create more meaningful conversations with the people close to you.

Because when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

As we wrap things up now,\xa0 don\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\xa0 And I\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\u2019s shows

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

067: Self-Monitoring How We Listen

094: Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships

115: Become More Self-Aware in 2021

Latest prior episode

212: Little Things We Do Matter the Most to People

All past and future episodes\xa0 \xa0 JohnCertalic.com

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