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Published: Sept. 6, 2023, 8 a.m.

Hello everyone, I\u2019m back!\xa0 To start season 8 of this podcast we\u2019re going to talk about three relationship tools we can use to become better listeners this fall to deepen our relationships.

But before we get into today\u2019s episode, here\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\xa0

\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\u2019ll discover practical principles and relationship tools you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

We're back from the off-season

It\u2019s been 6 months since Season 7 of You Were Made for This ended with episode 200. You might be wondering what I was doing during this time. If you\u2019re on my email list you got an email every Wednesday during this off-season about all matter of things relationships related that was on my mind at the time. And many weeks the email had links to blog posts on our website. If you missed those, I\u2019ll have a link to them at the bottom of the show notes. I\u2019ll also post a link to get on my email list list if you are not already on it.

There\u2019s a lot more I could share about the past off-season, but I want to get rolling today with this first episode, number 201, of season 8. Plus I want to announce a few changes at the end of today\u2019s show that you\u2019ll want to know about.

However, if you really are interested in knowing more about what I was up to while away from the podcast mic, I\u2019d be happy to tell you all about it over dinner at your house. Wednesdays work best for me. And I know this always comes up, but the only food allergy I have is to coconut. Just so you know.

Okay, to kick off season 8 here near the beginning of September in 2023 we are going to take a look at 3 relationship tools to remember this September that will help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

September is a perfect time to observe

I\u2019ll start with this. September is a perfect time to\xa0observe.

With the activities of summer in the rearview mirror for most of us, September is the time of year we return to the routines and rhythms of life. Vacations are finished for now, the kids are back in school, and the pace of life dials down a notch. September gives us space to look around and observe. \xa0

Flowers we only see in the fall appear now. Here in the Upper Midwest of the US where I live, cone flowers, coreopsis, and black-eyed susans are in full bloom.

Observe relationships

And it\u2019s not just the beauty of nature that rewards us when we take time to look around in September. It\u2019s also the beauty of relationships that can soothe our souls when we take time to observe them. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of people walk, and I\u2019m one of them.\xa0

While on a walk one early morning I came across a tall dad walking his small, young daughter to her bus stop on the first day of school. Hand in hand they walked, and you could tell they had a loving relationship. You could just tell. For those of you who are parents, first-day-of-school walks to the bus stop are over before you know it. The years just fly by.\xa0

Observing that tall dad reminded me of how quickly our children grow up. While parenting is a lot of work - no doubt about it - there is much joy to experience as well. Like the joy of being there for your children as a new chapter of their life opens each September.

September also brings a measure of relational sadness at times. The other day I was talking with Dave, my next-door neighbor. He told me his oldest daughter was soon moving to Washington, D.C. to start her first job out of college. In a moment of vulnerability he said,

\u201cThis is hard on me. Harder on me than it is on Barb. I\u2019m not ready for this.\u201d

Yeah, I get it. I\u2019ve been through having our daughter move away. It\u2019s a grieving process.

Observe our relationships with strangers

Besides relationships as I\u2019ve just described, I find it helpful to observe the relationships we have with strangers. I\u2019ll explain why later. Recently, for example, I bought a used car to replace an older car we had.\xa0

There was a particular model I was looking for, and after much research, I found one on the lot of a large auto dealer in our area, which meant I had to deal with a car salesperson. Yikes. I hate doing this.

What I dislike even more is dealing with the finance or business manager you have to go through to complete the transaction when you buy a car from a place like this.\xa0 Listening to THEIR sales pitch to upsell their financing and extended warranties is painful. Oh, how I dreaded this process when I agreed to terms on the car with the salesman.

To my great surprise though, I really liked the finance guy within 30 seconds of meeting him. There was no hard sell on anything from this very likable man. He was friendly, but not overly so. Apologetic for having to put me through his dealership\u2019s process. Understanding of our desire to get out of there as fast as possible. I thought to myself he would make a good next door neighbor.

So how are these observations a helpful relationship tool?\xa0

Remember in September to reflect upon our relationships

Observations we make about people are helpful to the extent we use them to reflect on their meaning. Many of our relational encounters with people are purely transactional and have no deep meaning. You call to make an appointment. We say hello to the postal carrier. You say \u201cExcuse me\u201d to the lady with the grocery cart as you walk around her in the cereal box aisle.

\xa0But it\u2019s a shame if we look at all the interactions we see with people as ordinary run-of-the-mill encounters. Our lives are enriched when we reflect upon what we see. Maybe there\u2019s nothing there to reflect upon, but other times what we observe can encourage us or add to the richness of our life.

For example, observing that father in our neighborhood taking his daughter by the hand while they walked to her bus stop the first day of school brought me much joy. It reminded me of the joys of fatherhood and the times I saw my own children off to their first days of school. As I reflected on this scene it evoked gratitude for my joy-filled relationship with my daughter who once was like this little girl I saw on my morning walk.\xa0

It wasn\u2019t nostalgia that moved me, but it was thankfulness instead that I continued to be blessed by my relationship with my daughter and my son., both of whom have children of their own.

Yeah, remember this September to reflect on relationships like this. It will do your heart good. It\u2019s a great relationship tool to put into practice.

When people leave us

And then there\u2019s the conversation I had with my neighbor Dave whose daughter was moving to Washington, D.C. It caused me to reflect\xa0on when our own daughter moved out of state. It was a grieving process where there were no words that could make it better. In fact, at times like this, words often make it worse. Words like,\xa0

\u201cAt least your son is still in town\u2026 you\u2019ll now have a new place to visit\u2026when you see her when she visits you\u2019ll have quality time with each other\u2026time will heal your grief.\u201d It\u2019s like rubbing salt into a wound when we hear words like this.

It\u2019s always harder on those left behind. Those who move on are off to a new adventure. Those left behind get a piece of their heart ripped away.

Strangers can inspire us

On a more positive note, as I reflected on my interaction with the finance guy at the car dealer, it actually inspired me to be more like him. I tend to drift toward being critical of people, which I hate to see in myself.\xa0

I want to be winsome and put people at ease like the finance guy I met. I want to be gentle and kind with people, to bring out the best in others.\xa0

When we reflect upon what we observe in our relationships it opens the possibility of becoming more the man or woman God created us to be.\xa0 It shows us the extent to which we are reflecting the image of God well.

Remember this September to Act upon what we observe and reflect upon

The third relationship tool to remember in September is Act. Take some kind of action based on what you observe and reflect upon.

You need to know, though Act doesn\u2019t necessarily mean an outward behavior. It\u2019s also not about trying harder. It\u2019s not about doing. Sometimes it is, but often it is about thinking. Often an action you take looks like you\u2019re doing nothing to an outside observer.

When I spoke about observing the changing rhythms of life this fall and the flowers that appear this time of year it slowed me down to reflect upon the beauty of God\u2019s creation.\xa0 It also evoked an action within me, namely to appreciate again the change and energy that comes with each autumn where I live. \xa0 Feeling something and being aware of it is just as much an action as a behavior.\xa0 It\u2019s an action unobservable to anyone else. But it\u2019s very real.

It would have been easy to observe what I did, reflect upon it, but feel no gratitude or response and just move on to the next thing.\xa0

Two dads and their daughters

The two fathers I observed caused me to reflect upon my relationship with my own daughter. It reminded me of tender moments with her, like seeing her off for the first day of elementary school. When I listened to my neighbor share his sadness over his newly minted college graduate moving out of state, it made me reflect upon the sadness I felt when our own daughter moved 800 miles away.

As far as acting on what I observed and reflected upon, I made a mental note to ask my neighbor the next time I saw him, \u201cHow are you doing now with your daughter moved into her apartment in Washington?\u201d Making mental notes like this shows you\u2019re listening, and it creates the potential for deepening a relationship.\xa0

Take action by drawing upon the work of God in our lives

When it comes to taking action in our relationships, draw upon the wisdom and power that lies beyond ourself. Don\u2019t settle for any old idea that pops into your head. It\u2019s too self-limiting.\xa0

Instead, here\u2019s a novel thought: ask God what he would want you to do, and then ask him for the power to do it. Rely on him. It's a valuable relationship tool.

He may tell you to do nothing.\xa0

He may ask you to change your thinking. \xa0

Or he may prompt you to initiate one of a countless number of behaviors.

In a nutshell, to Act is to listen to God. What does he want you to do? Ask him. The possibilities are endless.\xa0

Summary\xa0

In summary, the relationship tools\xa0I\u2019ve mentioned in today\u2019s show are an application of that relationship model I\u2019ve talked about in past episodes, ORA. Observe-Reflect-Act. I\u2019ll be talking more about this in future episodes. For now, though, just remember that ORA is about listening.\xa0

To Observe is to listen with your eyes.

Reflect is to listen with your heart

To Act is to listen to God

Coming this fall\xa0

I mentioned at the beginning of the show there are some changes coming here in season 8. One is that we\u2019re going to move from a weekly schedule of episodes to a semi-monthly format. A new episode will be released on the\xa0first and third Wednesday of each month. There may also be occasional bonus episodes or emails I\u2019ll send out at other times in the month. The reason for this is to allow time to implement a new initiative related to this podcast.

I\u2019ve become increasingly aware of how many of us are overloaded with information. There\u2019s a lot of content of one kind or another coming at us like a firehose at times. Much of the content is helpful. I hope you feel that way about this podcast.\xa0

But a shortcoming of all this content is we often don\u2019t have opportunity to process what we hear. It\u2019s one-way communication. Someone talks and we listen. But there\u2019s no interaction to ask questions or learn from others how they are applying the same content we hear together.

I\u2019d like to change that, so this fall I\u2019m going to experiment with creating a community of like-minded people interested in developing deeper relationships in their life. It will start with a test group of mostly people who listen to this podcast. I don\u2019t have all the details worked out and I will be looking for help from the founding members of this discussion group to do so.

I\u2019ll be sending out more details about this in the days ahead. And hopefully, it will be something you\u2019ll want to join.

Because someone listened\u2026

One last item for today in terms of changes to this podcast for the fall is something I mentioned about a month ago in my August 9th email. One of our fellow listeners, Linda Crouch, told the story of how she benefited greatly from a friend who listened to her talk about her trip to Nigeria where she and her husband served as missionaries.\xa0 It was all because someone listened.

I bet there are other similar stories you have of being blessed in one form or another because someone listened. So I\u2019d like to introduce a segment in each episode to get those stories out.\xa0

We\u2019ll call it \u201cbecause someone listened\u201d stories. I have a hunch they will encourage all of us. So just send me a paragraph or two that completes this sentence, \u201cBecause someone listened\u2026\u201d You can email it to john@caringforothers.org.

Well, that\u2019s it for today. If there\u2019s someone you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \u201cShare This\u201d bar.

And don\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\xa0 And I\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\u2019s show

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

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You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.