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Published: Feb. 22, 2023, 9 a.m.

Today\u2019s episode is about how to help a friend using a model of deepening relationships I\u2019ve talked about before. The ORA principle. You remember it, don\u2019t you? O - Observe. R - Reflect. A -Act. ORA. I saw this model of relating on several different levels from the responses some of you, our listeners, sent in to help another listener. Someone I\u2019m calling \u201cEmily.\u201d

In episode 197, Emily wrote in, feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. I\u2018ll read what she wrote in a minute. I then asked all of you this question near the end of the episode,

How do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared?\xa0 Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments?\xa0 How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other?

But before we get into today\u2019s episode, here\u2019s what this podcast is all about.\xa0

\xa0Welcome to You Were Made for This

If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for.

I\u2019m your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you.

To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords.

As with every episode, our purpose today is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. Our listener friend, Emily, certainly isn\u2019t experiencing any joy in her relationships. But let\u2019s see what we can do together to help a friend like her.

Season seven is coming to a close

But first, I want to remind you of something I\u2019ve been mentioning in the last couple of episodes.\xa0 Next week\u2019s show, number 200 will bring an end to season 7 of You Were Made for This.

I\u2019ll then be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I\u2019ll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I\u2019d like to keep you in the know.

If you\u2019re on my email list, I\u2019ll send you an article or email I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email, then you\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to give me your email address.

What can we do to help a friend like this?

Okay, On to today\u2019s program. You may recall in episode 197 I mentioned that someone I\u2019ll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: \u201cSix Reasons Why We\u2019re Not More Curious About People.\u201d I\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes, or if you\u2019re driving, just remember johncertalic.com/063.

Emily came across this episode 2\xbd years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it.

\u201cI found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is \u2018wrong with me.\u2019

\u201cI grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be \u201cobvious.\u201d We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.\xa0

\u201cNow almost 40 years old, I\u2019m so frustrated by the fact that I don\u2019t have any real, close friendships.\xa0

\u201cI don\u2019t know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be\u2026 I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don\u2019t even know how personal relationships work. I don\u2019t know how often you\u2019re supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be\xa0

involved in, or how often to reach out\u2026 it sounds so silly but it\u2019s my reality! I don\u2019t know how to make and keep friends.\xa0

\u201cI\u2019m sure I come off as selfish and self-centered\u2026 But really I just don\u2019t know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.\u201d

The question I asked our listening audience

So again, the question I asked again of our listening audience is how do you react internally to her words? How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.?

Here\u2019s a way to help a friend like this

Our first listener response in answer to this question comes from Marilyn from Minnesota. She writes:

\u201cJohn, I felt like crying for this person sharing her relationship problem. I hope she has been getting some sound counseling over\xa0the years.

\u201cWhen I enter an unfamiliar culture I seek out a mentor or cultural guide to walk me through the confusing web. I can ask the questions that come up and that person can give valuable advice. I believe this would be a help to this person. But how can she even find someone to do it? This is the dilemma.

\u201c\xa0I would love for this person to be my friend and experience life with her as a cultural guide and friend. But I suppose that\u2019s a crazy idea as a blog is not normally used for such things.

\u201cI had parents exactly opposite from this individual. When I was very young, we had a missionary in our home for dinner. As we talked around the table, I felt free to ask him a question. In response, he complimented me for asking the question and encouraged me to continue that practice. Interesting how that one complement thrust me forward to get to know people by asking questions. This was also a lesson for me in later years to encourage and strengthen children in little and big ways. You never know the effect it will have.

\u201cI think you\u2019ve done programs on asking good questions. Always an excellent topic. Some people are so good at it and some are on the opposite spectrum.\u201d

The elements of the ORA principle in Marilyn\u2019s response

I like how Marilyn O- observed what was going on inside of her after reading Emily\u2019s comments. \u201cI felt like crying.\u201d While she couldn\u2019t physically observe Emily, she pictured what it must have been like for her. This enabled Marilyn to R-reflect on her own experience of being in an environment that\u2019s unfamiliar - just like the world of healthy relationships is unfamiliar to Emily. This really helped Marilyn identify with what Emily is going through

Another listener response to help a friend like Emily

A second listener response comes from Randy in Pennsylvania. Randy writes:

\u201cThis evening, I listened again to this week's Podcast and the words compassion and empathy come to mind when you shared some of "Emily's" story.\xa0 It reminds me of the broken world we live in. None of us are born into perfect families and no doubt the baggage, hurts, and scars can be passed on\xa0from one generation to another.\xa0

\u201cI think of "Emily" as a little girl who was conditioned to think so poorly of herself. It defined her and her ability to relate to others because at home she was made to feel stupid which likely shut her down emotionally. Here she is around 40 years old living emotionally imprisoned to being the "bad, stupid, etc." girl that her abusive parents brought her up to think about herself.

\u201cIn many ways, I can relate as I regularly struggle with relational interactions and often feel like I don't go very deep with people. I can look at possible why's....a father who did not speak much.....showed his love through his work and providing not through his talking....he loved us dearly but his actions were his voice, not his mouth. My mom grew up with a very critical mother....hate to say it, but I picked up a bit of that type of thinking...

Act to help a friend

\u201cSo, thinking back to \u2018Emily\u2019, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk \u2018that she is stupid and can't make friends\u2019 would be a big step forward.\xa0 Think about working on changing her \u2018mental Muscle Memory\u2019 by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words, such as \u2018I am deeply and completely loved by God\u2026' something short and easy to repeat.

\u201cJohn, this is a very good exercise as what you have done by sharing this story and seeking input helps us do our own processing with taking steps forward in our own growth and healing. Thanks!\u201d

The ORA principle we see in Randy\u2019s response

Randy O-observed the compassion and empathy that rose within him as he heard Emily\u2019s story. He observed what her childhood was like as Emily shared parts of it. It caused Randy to R-reflect on his own growing-up years, which allowed him to more easily identify with Emily. He also offered some A-Action Emily could take.\xa0

He puts it this way, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk "that she is stupid and can't make friends" would be a big step forward.\xa0 Think about working on changing her "mental Muscle Memory" by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words.

So what does all this mean for YOU?\xa0

There are people like Emily all around us. Maybe you\u2019re even one of them. Adults, who as children, were never modeled what good relationships look like. People just stuck in their relationships because they don\u2019t know what they don\u2019t know.

This ORA model of relating is a simple way of remembering what you can do to help a friend. We just touched upon the surface of the 3 components of this principle. There\u2019s so much more to observing, reflecting, and acting that we don\u2019t have time to cover here.\xa0 After season 7 of the podcast ends next week, I plan to spend more time developing this concept so I can pass it on to you.

If you forget everything else from today\u2019s episode, here\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember

Today\u2019s episode about how to help a friend struggling with relationships shows that the ORA principle of deepening relationships is a useful relational tool.\xa0Observe by watching and listening. Reflect upon what you observe and what it could mean. Act based on what you\u2019ve observed and reflected upon.

Closing

Finally, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time after season 7 ends next week

If you\u2019re on my email list, I\u2019ll occasionally send you information I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.

But if you\u2019re not getting my Wednesday email already, you\u2019re not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.

In closing, I\u2019d also love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to think about how you can apply this simple relationship model, ORA, with the people in your life. It comes in handy for all kinds of relational interactions, especially when you want to help a friend.

Well, that\u2019s it for today. If there\u2019s someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow \u201cShare This\u201d bar.

\xa0I have one more listener response to Emily\u2019s dilemma that I\u2019ll share with you next week in episode 200 to close out season seven. And then I\u2019ll share my own thoughts and response to Emily\u2019s challenges.

I know you\u2019re going to like next week\u2019s program, and I\u2019m confident you will find it helpful. But until then, don\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.\xa0 And I\u2019ll see you again next time, for the last time, in season 7. Goodbye for now.

Other episodes or resources related to today\u2019s shows

021: The Most Important Relationship of All

063: Six Reasons Why We\u2019re Not More Curious About People

088: Get Them to say \u201cThank You for Asking\u201d

Last week\u2019s episode

198: Read Your Way to Better Relationships in 2023

All past and future episodes\xa0 \xa0 JohnCertalic.com

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