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Published: July 6, 2022, 8 a.m.

When it comes to relationships, there\u2019s a difference between nosey people and those who are genuinely curious about others. Avoid the former and learn how to become the latter. It\u2019s what today\u2019s episode is all about.

The best Father's Day gift for 2022

A few weeks ago in the episode about The Best Father\u2019s Day gift for 2022, I mentioned that this best gift is to ask your father questions about his life. And if you have a son who\u2019s a father, ask him questions about his life. It\u2019s one of the best gifts you can give anyone. Because we don\u2019t know people nearly as well as we think we do. If you missed that show you can find it at\xa0 john certalic.com/162.

I\u2019ve given lots of talks in workshops on how asking people questions can deepen relationships. But there\u2019s always an issue that someone in the audience invariably brings up. I\u2019m going to deal with this issue in today\u2019s show.

And if you hang around to the end I\u2019ll also give you a useful tip on how to answer an awkward question that comes out of nowhere that puts you ill at ease. But before we get into all this here\u2019s Carol:

Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you\u2019ve come to the right place. Here you\u2019ll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic.

Hey, thank you, Carol. And hello everyone! I\u2019m glad you\u2019ve joined us today for episode 165, \u201cNosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them.\u201c If you\u2019re new to the podcast and like what you hear, I encourage you to follow the show by going to my website, JohnCertalic.com, and then click on the \u201cfollow\u201d or \u201csubscribe\u201d button.

Why don\u2019t we ask meaningful questions of each other?

I\u2019ve mentioned in a number of episodes before the powerful impact asking questions of each other has in drawing people closer together. There\u2019s also a downside to question asking, which I\u2019ve also discussed, but we won\u2019t get into that today.

Instead, I am going to talk about an objection I often hear about asking questions of people. I first talked about it in episode 63.

We\u2019re reluctant to ask meaningful questions of each other, for fear of being perceived as \u201cnosey.\u201d I find this reason for our lack of curiosity to be most interesting to me. As I mentioned before, in workshops I give on this subject, invariably someone will ask something along the lines of: \u201cBut if I ask questions of people close to me, won\u2019t they think I\u2019m just being nosey? I was always taught \u2018If someone wants you to know something about them, they will tell you.\u2019\u201d

A culture of secrets

This is one of those \u201cexception\u201d questions that often come up in workshops. It\u2019s usually from someone in the crowd who disagrees with what the presenter is saying, or who wants to hijack the direction the speaker is taking with his or her own agenda. Or it\u2019s someone who just loves to hear himself talk.

The \u201cI have always believed if people wanted you to know they\u2019d tell you\u201d comment reveals a person who often comes from a background or culture of secrets. They hold things close to the vest. Their theme song is we need to be private, and we mustn\u2019t invade the privacy of others. You find this dynamic in people who grew up in families where there was addiction, sexual abuse, or other dysfunctions.

All of this raises the question of what\u2019s the difference between nosey people and those genuinely curious about others? I posted this question on Facebook a few years ago and here are a few answers I received:

Listener responses

Rita. Curious people genuinely empathize with others and what they learn about them. They delight in, rejoice over, wonder further, grieve with...in order to grow deeper in a relationship. Nosiness satisfies a fleshly yearning to know more, not to know better.

Joan. I think nosey people ask questions about situations or things that have happened, like in the neighborhood or even in family situations that they need to know so they can then pass it on and gossip. I think a genuinely curious person wants to know about you, your feelings, and situations that are true to the core of your being. They want to make sure you are ok and demonstrate care and concern out of love. A curious person will share of themselves and maybe share a situation that they themselves have experienced. Curious is more heart-centered, nosey is more informational.

Rob. I cannot add much to the above. I always referred to myself as being nosey when I asked people questions. Recently I was corrected by someone who told me I was curious and should use that word. I think that is true because I do not just want information but want to know something about that person. People are interesting and we do like to talk about ourselves. At least I do!

Other reasons we may not ask meaningful questions of others

There is an element of culture and personality to this issue, too. Some cultures around the world are very private, and there are others where personal privacy is non-existent. Personality is part of it too. I\u2019ve found that the more extroverted among us don\u2019t even think about what questions to ask others. While the introverted, think of questions but are too shy to ask them. It's hard for them to be nosey.

Here are a few more of my thoughts on the differences between nosey and curious:

Am I being nosey or curious?

• Nosey people don\u2019t enrich your life. Curious people do.
• Nosey is the cousin of gossip. They are close relatives.
• Nosey people ask so they can evaluate others and compare. Curious people ask to understand.
  Curiosity requires something of us. Nosiness doesn\u2019t.
• Being nosey separates us. Curiosity brings us together.
• Nosey people assume there is a deeper relationship than actually exists
• Nosey people often use information they gain from you against you. Curious people use information they get from you for you.
• Finally, I\u2019ve come to the conclusion that our fear of being nosey in our relationships is usually just a cop-out. Just an excuse to get us off the hook from failing to honor people by wanting to understand what life is like for them.

Here are 6 benefits of being curious enough to ask people questions about themselves

1. It gets us out of our self-focused life to see the wonder of what God has created in the life of another. It draws us closer to God as we better understand our brothers and sisters created in his image. For when we see how much God loves someone else, warts and all, it makes us appreciate God all the more.
2. Asking questions of others opens doors for deeper connections with them.
3. It\u2019s a great remedy for depression and loneliness.
4. When we understand people better because of how they answer our questions, it causes us to be grateful for what we have, that others do not.
5. Being curious enough to ask people questions draws out the experience and wisdom from the quiet introverts among us.
6. We can learn from other people\u2019s mistakes when we understand them better.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Two things.

Question your questions. Are you asking them to better understand people and deepen your relationship with them? Or are you asking questions just to be nosey?

Secondly, don\u2019t let your fear of being nosey hold you back from asking a meaningful question of a friend. Become more curious about the important people in your life. It will draw you closer to them.

Here\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\u2019s episode

Being nosey weakens a relationship, being curious strengthens it.

For added measure, I\u2019ll throw in this related quote from Ruth Haley Barton

Sometimes the questions we ask are more important than the answers we think we know.

Final takeaway: How to answer a question that catches you off guard

Have you ever been caught off guard by a question someone asks you? A question that surprises you, puts you on the defensive, or in some way is inappropriate? Here\u2019s an effective way you can respond.

Simply ask the questioner, \u201cWhy do you ask?\u201d It will take the spot light off you and shine it back on the other person. It will buy you time in trying to figure out where the conversation is going so you can decide if you want to go there.

Answer a question with a question. Jesus did it all the time.

Closing

In closing, I\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode.

And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, enough to ask meaningful questions of people you want to understand better.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I\u2019ll see you again next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

063: Six Reasons Why We\u2019re not More Curious About People, and What We\u2019re Missing as a Result

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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