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Published: June 29, 2022, 8 a.m.

One thing that deepens relationships is doing the little things that matter. You see it in people who observe, reflect, and then act. Listen in to today\u2019s episode for an example.

John Gottman writes in The Relationship Cure that based on his research Successful marriages are characterized by a series of little positive interchanges over time. In a nutshell, it\u2019s the little things that matter most in a marriage.

The same can be said of interpersonal relationships between friends and acquaintances. I saw this played out recently in an interaction between my wife Janet and one of her friends.

Recovering from knee surgery

My wife Janet had knee replacement surgery about 6 weeks ago. We talked about the details of the operation, as we knew them, with one of our friends, Linda (not her real name).

I\u2019ve mentioned her before in this podcast. We\u2019ve been friends with her for several decades, with more contact with each other in recent years.

Because another of Linda's friends went through it too, she was familiar with the recovery that\u2019s involved.

Several weeks after the surgery Linda sent Janet a card and asked how she was doing. She said she\u2019d like to stop over and visit when Janet was up to it.

After a few more weeks of recovery, when Janet was over the very worst of the pain, Linda came over for dinner and the three of us had a pleasant evening. We got caught up on each other\u2019s lives, with Linda sharing about her adult daughter\u2019s bout with cancer. More on that later.

We sat outside on our patio for one of the first times this year. Very calm & restful evening. Being with Linda got Janet\u2019s mind off her knee pain for a few hours that night.

Janet talked about how her knee surgery brought on a mysterious new craving for cookies. She told me they had medicinal properties that sped up healing. So as Janet\u2019s medical director I dispensed them occasionally as needed.

Linda told Janet about the new upscale cookie store in town, Crumbl. Janet started salivating.

Cookies and listening to Marcel Marceau\u2019s CD of classic love songs are the two things that soothe Janet\u2019s spirits the most.

A surprise visit

The next day I\u2019m working in my home office when around noon, our doorbell rings. Here it is Linda, delivering two small boxes from Crumbl, each with one of their gourmet, upscale cookies inside. One for Janet and one for me. I have a photo of it in the show notes.

From what I understand these cookies are pretty pricey. Loan officers set up in the store taking financing applications to buy these cookies.

I invited Linda in but she had her dog in the car, and said couldn\u2019t stay. So I took one of the cookies to Janet, and she was over-the-moon delighted.

In this very kind gesture by Linda, I saw an example of two principles of deepening relationships at work. The First is the ORA principle I\u2019ve talked about before in this podcast. Linda

Observed Janet\u2019s condition

Reflected upon the pain Janet was experiencing, then Remembered what made it better for her - a cookie.

Acted. She came back the next day with a cookie for Janet from Crumbl

ORA. Unconsciously skilled in relationships

The other relationship principle I saw in place is the relational skill level of Linda. I talked about the 4 levels of relational skills back in episodes 11 through 14. I\u2019ll have links to them in the show notes.

• Unconsciously unskilled
• Consciously unskilled
• Consciously skilled
• Unconsciously skilled

Linda is certainly at the 4th level, the highest level, unconsciously skilled. It\u2019s just part of her character. She brought the cookie for Janet without giving it a lot of thought, I\u2019m sure. Because that\u2019s who Linda is. It\u2019s her character.

Another thing I noticed, she didn\u2019t ask Janet, \u201cIs there anything I can do to help?\u201d No, she just took an educated guess and did something based on what she observed and reflected upon, which prompted her to act.

Linda\u2019s caring in context

Linda\u2019s daughter has incurable colon cancer, and she\u2019s living with her and her family to help out. I talked about this in episode 148.

She\u2019s watching her daughter go through the pain of chemotherapy, and witnessing her frail 40-something daughter struggle to make it through the day. Yet Linda still extended herself to Janet with her Crumbl cookie delivery. It made her caring gesture all the more meaningful given how her daughter\u2019s journey with cancer is uppermost in her mind.

As for me, I certainly enjoyed the cookie. But more than that I enjoyed watching Linda care for Janet in ways so meaningful for her, and yet what appeared so naturally. It was a true reflection of the character of God.

It was a reminder that I can be more like Linda myself, not just with Janet, but with other people. I need to pay attention to the little things that matter in relationships important to me. And so do you. For we all need each other. We can\u2019t go it alone.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

You can become unconsciously skilled in relationships like Linda is. It just takes practice. So here\u2019s what I would like you to try:

Think about one important relationship in your life right now. Then ask yourself what might be little things that matter in that relationship you could attend to. See if you can step it up a notch, pay more attention to those little things, and see how it goes for you.

Here\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\u2019s episode

Paying attention to the little things that matter the most in a relationship will strengthen that relationship. We discover what those little things are when we observe - reflect - then act.

I\u2019d love to hear how this works out for you, so please let me know.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\u2019ve just heard. To think about just one person in your life and your best guess as to what are the little things that matter most to them. And then do that little thing for them.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\u2019s it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. That would be one little thing that could matter to someone. And don\u2019t forget to spread a little relational sunshine around this week. Spark some joy in the people you run into. And I\u2019ll see you next time.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

011: Relationship Skills - Level 1
012: Relationship Skills - Level 2
013: Relationship Skills - Level 3
014: Relationship Skills - Level 4
148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

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