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Published: May 18, 2022, 8 a.m.

Asking people \u201cwhat\u2019s on your mind?,\u201d helps others go beyond sharing news of the superficial events in their life. It deepens relationships. Listen in to learn how.

My wife Janet and I have been meeting on and off with a church group of small group leaders. We began meeting just as the Covid pandemic was getting underway in 2020, so our meetings have been more off than on. In a more recent meeting, the group wanted to talk about how can we get people to open up and talk about deeper things going on in their lives?

I suggested one question they could ask that I found works in getting people to talk more openly about what\u2019s going on within them. It\u2019s a question that works equally well in small groups or in a one-on-one conversation. It\u2019s a good listening tool, and is the subject of today\u2019s episode

A good listening tool

The question I suggested is this: What\u2019s on your mind lately? I don\u2019t want to say a lot about this question right now, because I plan to talk in another episode about the back story to this simple question and why it is so effective in getting people to open up.

Instead, for our time together today, I want to show how the what\u2019s been on your mind? question works. Asking this question usually draws people out to share the deeper things going on in their lives, rather than simply talking about the past week\u2019s news as so often happens.

While the question is effective in groups and in individual conversations, it also works when we answer the question alone by ourself. It serves to give clarity to what we\u2019re experiencing, and a measure of peace as we organize our thoughts and feelings. It\u2019s like reorganizing what\u2019s in our kitchen cabinets for easier access.

To demonstrate, I\u2019m going to answer myself the question, what\u2019s on your mind? I encourage you to do the same thing but to write your answers down. That\u2019s what I\u2019ve done. Bullet points or short phrases will do just fine.

A Facebook Memory

To get started, here\u2019s one thing that\u2019s on my mind.\xa0A Facebook memory I wrote 9 years ago popped up on my computer screen early this morning. Here\u2019s what I said back then:

\u201cWatching 3 of the grands for a few days. Getting off the bus this afternoon they ran into the house, talking all at once about the fun things they did at school today. Their joy was like the brief moments of sunshine we\u2019ve had in our otherwise cold, drab, and rainy week. We don\u2019t need to turn on the lights. They are enough.\u201d

Then this morning I added a Facebook comment to my memory from 2013:

The weather's the same today and so are they. Only difference is they're old enough to drive the bus.

What\u2019s on my mind is how remarkable it is that they still light up my life after the various stages of development each of them has gone through these past nine years. Janet and I have enjoyed every stage of their still-young lives.

We still don\u2019t need to turn on the lights when they come over. Their light is still enough. We are so blessed that they still want to spend time with us.

Answer no. 2 to What\u2019s on your mind?

Another thing on my mind is these two people, Graham Zale and Ford Schilz. Who are they, you wonder? US Ambassador to Argentina? Pitcher for the New York Yankees? President of IBM? Not yet. Not yet.

Graham Zale and Ford Schilz are both babies born to two of my nieces on the same day this year, April 2, 2022. I\u2019m proud of my nieces and their husbands for giving their children, bold strong names that will serve them well into their 80s after they\u2019ve made their mark in the world. And I\u2019m so happy these boys held off their birth to April 2nd. Imagine the challenge they would have faced had they been born one day earlier. Yikes! They certainly dodged a bullet.

So here\u2019s to you, Graham Damion Zale and Ford Wyatt Schilz. May you live strong, productive lives in keeping with your names. May your lives finish as well as they\u2019ve started.

Third item on my What\u2019s on your mind? list

The next thing that's been on my mind is an email I received the other day from Billy, one of my missionary friends. He writes:

Good Morning, John and Janet!
I wanted to share this picture with you \u2013 it\u2019s a picture of Will [their 7-year-old son] intently listening to episode #153 of You Were Made for This.

He and I both learned to have the \u2018ORA\u2019 of God\u2019s character recognizing and fulfilling others\u2019 needs. A message we needed to hear this morning. God Bless you both, we miss you.

The \u201cORA\u201d Billy referred to is Observe-Reflect-Act, that model of relating we\u2019ve been talking about in this podcast.

The photo Billy sent is the one at the top of the show notes for this episode. I talked to Billy about this later and he said his son was glued to the screen of their iPad for the full 10-11 minute length of the episode, listening to my voice speak about what some people in Poland and Romania are doing to care for refugees from Ukraine.

Photos tell a story

The two photos I showed in the show notes for that episode apparently got his attention: the baby strollers at the train station in Poland and the colorful stuffed toy animals on that grey bridge at the Ukraine/Romania border. What a tender heart that little boy has, I thought, when I first saw the photo of him.

Billy\u2019s email and photo of Will are still on my mind, making me think how sometimes we sell our children short. That they are capable of more than we give them credit for. Most 7-year-olds are not as sensitive as Will. But they are capable of being so. They can learn to reflect the character of God in their own unique way, just as their parents can. Parents can teach them by being examples themselves.

An encouraging email from a missionary parent

I can also answer the what\u2019s on your mind question by talking about an email I got from another listener to our podcast that is similar to the one I received from my friend Billy. It comes from a listener in Iowa who happens to be the parent of a missionary serving in eastern Europe. She writes:

Hi John,
I shared your podcast from last Wednesday with the wife of the man who leads our small group at The Mission Church.\xa0 She leads a girls Bible study at a ministry in Des Moines called Freedom for Youth.\xa0 It is a wonderful ministry (you can google it) to help kids succeed in life.

They have help for kids with school work, teach some trade skills and encourage kids of all ages.\xa0 She enjoyed your podcast and is using some of the ideas with her girls tonight.\xa0 Thought you might like to know.

I found this email encouraging on two levels. One is that this Iowa listener thought enough of the podcast to refer it to her friend with the kids\u2019 ministry. And secondly, that her friend is using some of the things we talk about on the podcast with the girls she works with.

I so appreciate that some people recognize teaching children about relationship principles is important. Encouraging emails like these last two have been on my mind lately, and I am grateful for them.

Listening is a relational journey

Something else on my mind I\u2019ve been thinking about is a comment another listener shared with me recently. It was the day Episode 154 aired, \u201cHow to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.\u201d In his email he writes,

John,

Thank you again so very much for these podcasts!\xa0\xa0Even though I don't often respond, I want to say that Karen and I listen regularly to these podcasts.\xa0 They are such gentle, weekly reminders of one powerful truth that I know I need to be reminded of regularly... to LISTEN!

Our pastor said at Mia's funeral\u2026

I need to stop here for a second. Mia is his granddaughter who was stillborn a few months ago. I talk about it in episode 148, \u201cWhat Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People,\u201d

Back to my friend\u2019s email. He continues,

Our pastor said at Mia's funeral that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a journey to be traveled.

That's what I think about listening... it is not a one-and-done practice to conquer... it is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime.

Thanks, John, for this weekly reminder of such a critical part of our relational journey with others!

I love that phrase, listening is not a one-and-done practice to conquer. It is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime.\xa0That thought has been on my mind lately because it gives hope to those of us who struggle with listening.

You can listen to a podcast while doing something else

There are other things I\u2019ve been thinking about and are on my mind, but I\u2019ll end with just one more. It comes from a listener who emailed me with this thought after listening to a recent episode,

I listened this morning while folding laundry - always encouraging and your soothing voice is a great start to the day!

Well, that just made me smile picturing her folding laundry while listening to the podcast. That\u2019s the wonderful thing about podcasts I\u2019ve talked about before. You can be doing other things while you listen. Walk the dog, wait in line to pick your kids up from school, drive to work, wait in line at the grocery store, and\u2026 while you\u2019re folding laundry. All things you can do while listening to a podcast.

If you\u2019re doing brain surgery, however, save the podcast til later. Or watch one of those how-to YouTube videos instead.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Several things, first, what is on your mind? What have you been thinking about lately? What are the things keeping you up at night? Is there anything you wonder about? The challenges or stresses you are facing. The things you\u2019re grateful for. What are you looking forward to?

Don\u2019t dig into your psyche, instead consider top-of-mind issues. Then write them down. You just need to get your thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper.

In looking at my answers, I see a lot of positive things that have been on my mind. That\u2019s often not the case, but when it is I feel blessed. I hope you\u2019ll feel the same way when you give your answers to what\u2019s on your mind?

Secondly, try asking people in your life, this same question and see what happens. Start conversations with it and see where it takes you. My hunch is what\u2019s on your mind? will take you both deeper than just sharing about the events that have happened since you last talked.

Here\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\u2019s episode

Asking people in a group, or individually, \u201cwhat\u2019s on your mind,\u201d helps others go deeper than sharing news of the superficial events in our life.

I\u2019d love to hear how this goes for you.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, enough to put into practice what you\u2019ve just heard about asking people what\u2019s on their mind.

For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for us. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet this week. Create some joy. And I\u2019ll see you again next time. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

153: Two Stories of How to Reflect the Character of God

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

Our Sponsor

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.