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Published: March 16, 2022, 8 a.m.

When we know people in our life are struggling, \u201cwhat do I say to them?\u201d is often the wrong question we ask ourselves. There\u2019s a better question we can ask that will comfort and encourage people. Listen in to learn more.

Episode 148 left us hanging

Episode 148 from last week talked about five things NOT to say to people close to us who are going through a rough patch in their life. I\u2019ll have a link to it in the show notes.

So if we know what not to say, then what are helpful things we could say?

We\u2019ll tackle this question in today\u2019s episode.

Words matter

I love words. I love people who write them well. I like how Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and other best-selling memoirs uses words. He incorporated as a company simply called \u201cDonald Miller\u2019s Words.\u201d

Our daughter has a friend who does free-lance copywriting. She calls her business "Words for Sale."

I like Anne Lamont and how she uses words. Of the many books she\u2019s written, one of my favorites is her book about 3 types of prayer. It\u2019s called Help. Thanks. Wow. Three simple words. Three powerful prayers. In talking about the wow of God, she frequently uses the phrase, \u201cIt\u2019s God showing off.\u201d It\u2019s the best description of sunsets, the Grand Canyon, and childbirth I can think of - God showing off.

In William P. Young\u2019s book, The Shack, he repeats the phrase \u201cGod is especially fond of you\u201d in addressing, Mack, the main character of the book. What a beautiful phrase and powerful theological truth. \u201cGod is especially fond of you\u201d

These are all beautiful words.

Words have their limits

But words have their limits when it comes to knowing what to say to people going through a rough patch in their life. I find myself saying things like, \u201cI am so sorry you\u2019re having to deal with this.\u201d It\u2019s truly how I feel, but it seems hollow sometimes.

When it comes to our friends dealing with a death, we often say \u201cI\u2019m sorry for your loss\u201d, or if it\u2019s a sudden, tragic death, \u201cI have no words.\u201d And that\u2019s the problem, we often don\u2019t have words to express how we feel inside for the pain someone close to us is experiencing. So few of us are like Donald Miller, Anne Lamont, or William Young with our words.

I so wish we had a larger menu, like they have at Chinese restaurants, of comforting words and phrases to choose from.

Beyond Words

But then I think, are better words really the answer? It seems to me words are just a means to an end, not the end itself. We use words to connect us with people, to show how our emotions align with theirs. To let them know we want to be part of the journey they are on in dealing with a loss or difficulty in their life.

Words are the dots to connect our heart with the heart of another.

Maybe there are other ways beyond words that connect us with each other.

In last week's episode, I mentioned our friend whose 40-something daughter became very ill, and how our friend was filling in for her daughter by managing the household, helping her son-in-law, and caring for her grandkids. The weight of all that had to be done was overwhelming for our friend. Preparing meals, dealing with the ever-growing pile of laundry. All at the time she was caring for her very-sick daughter.

What do I say to a friend who\u2019s feeling overwhelmed like this?

My first thoughts went to one of the things mentioned in episode 148, God Never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully I resisted that thought. Then several Bible verses came to mind. Verses I know our friend was well schooled in. Verses about how God is always there for us, how God cares for us when we are struggling. She may have even memorized them.

When our friend shared the bad news about her daughter I don\u2019t remember saying anything, I just listened. And gave her my handkerchief she used to dab the tears from the corner of her eyes. It was the best I could do at the moment.

A helpful quote

Days later I came across a quote that I sent in a text to our friend. I wrote:

\u201cHere\u2019s a quote from Seth Godin I came across the other day that reminded me of you when you feel overwhelmed with doing all that your daughter does to manage the household. Godin said,

\u2018I\u2019m pretty confident that when the Titanic went down, the deck chairs were cleaned and well-ordered. It\u2019s a shame no one talked about the icebergs.\u2019\u201d

And then I added, \u201cKeep up the good work in keeping your priorities straight! I\u2019m continuing to pray for your daughter.\u201d

In my thinking, the housework that was crying out for attention was her deck chairs on the Titanic. The physical and emotional needs of her daughter were the icebergs - the most important things to attend to.

All analogies break down at some point, but in using the words from this quote I was trying to affirm her wisdom in caring for her daughter at the expense of the piles of laundry. It was the best I could do at the moment.

Sometimes the best we can do to connect with people is to show we are thinking about them and remembering their struggles, even when we\u2019re not together. Our words are not as important as what we do.

So what does all this mean for YOU?

I wonder if there are people in your life going through a difficult time who would appreciate you connecting with them. And maybe doing so without words. Connect with them by showing you haven\u2019t forgotten their struggles and that you are paying for them.

Here\u2019s the main takeaway I hope you remember from today\u2019s episode

When people in our life are struggling, \u201cWhat do I say to them?\u201d isn\u2019t as important a question to ask as \u201cWhat can I do?\u201d

I\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode.

Closing

In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to reflect and to act by letting someone you know who\u2019s struggling that you haven\u2019t forgotten them. That you are praying for them, and that they are not alone in whatever difficulty they are going through.

It will bring out the best in you and go a long way in helping you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This.

That\u2019s it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People

139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?

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