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Published: July 14, 2021, 8 a.m.

Our choices define us, not our personality. We are what we choose to make happen, and how we choose to respond to whatever may happen to us.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 113. If you\u2019ve listened to this program for any length of time you know I say at the end of each episode that I would appreciate hearing back from listeners with any reaction they have to that week\u2019s episode. Up until just recently, the response has been very positive. This streak, however, came to an end with episode 107 from a few weeks ago, Seeing is Believing. Or is it?

This was the program about the quote from Jesus that a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown. I talked about the reaction of the people from Nazareth to Jesus, based on the assumptions they made about him because of his family.

Then in passing, I mentioned to avoid making assumptions about people, we need to \u201cstay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people.\u201d

When my wife Janet heard this she told me, \u201cYou\u2019re going to get in trouble for that comment.\u201d And boy was she right. Keep listening to hear about the strong reaction I got from a listener, how I processed it, and how it leads into the topic of today\u2019s program.

A negative response from a listener

The negative response I got was actually from a good friend of mine, by the name of Randy. We\u2019ve been friends for a long time. We used to go to the same church until he moved to Pittsburgh for a job change. Randy sent me a strongly worded email saying he found great value in the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram personality tests because they helped him understand himself and others better.

His email deserved a conversation, not another email. So we arranged a time to talk, and he gave me a chance to explain myself. I shared a couple of stories about how I was marginalized in two separate situations by people in leadership based solely on how I scored on their favorite personality test. Thoughts I had about an issue were discounted because, as in one instance, I was told, \u201cOh, you\u2019re an INFJ and that\u2019s how you think.\u201d The merits of my input were never considered. My test score shut down any further dialog.

Randy and I talked more about where each of us was coming from, and he shared a story of when a group leader marginalized him, too. So we had that connection. I don\u2019t think either of our minds were changed, but we now understood each other much better. It wasn\u2019t long before we transitioned into getting caught up on each other\u2019s lives about other things. After hanging up on the call, I so appreciated having a friendship with someone where we could challenge each other\u2019s points of view and still remain friends. I hope you have relationships like this.

All this to say, my conversation with Randy prompted me to share with you in a review of an interesting book I think any regular listener to this podcast would enjoy. Even Randy.

Book review

The name of the book is Personality Isn\u2019t Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. It\u2019s by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, an organizational psychologist. He is also a blogger and a regular contributor to Inc. Magazine and Psychology Today. The book came out last year in June of 2020.\xa0 It's about how our choices define us, not our personality.

Who the book is for

• People fond of personality tests like the Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, DISC, etc. The book may very well change your mind about these instruments.
• As the author puts it, \u201cIf you\u2019re someone who\u2019s tried making big changes in your life but feels stuck or discouraged, then this book is for you.\u201d
• People with a painful past. Those coming out of a dysfunctional family. Trauma survivors. The author himself comes from a broken home and his life was a big hot mess until going on a church mission turned his life around (I think he must be a Mormon)
• People with self-limiting beliefs, who feel trapped or stuck
• Optimists
• Caregivers and people helpers, especially those who interact with others who have a victim mindset
• People interested in the psychology of human behavior
• Those who resonate with the concept that our choices define us, not our personality

Structure of the Book

• 7 chapters, 230 pages, plus acknowledgments, 10 pages of footnotes, and a 6-page index
• An introduction, entitled \u201cA Personality Test Almost Ruined Life.\u201d
• The author cites quite a few research studies to support his points, and he includes interesting stories to illustrate them.
• An easy read, yet one I found myself underlining the key points he is making in the book.
• Interesting quotes and one-liners sprinkled throughout the book like,

\u201cPeople become old far too fast,\u201d p.202
\u201cA mistake repeated more than once is a decision,\u201d p. 97
\u201cAlways make your future bigger than your past,\u201d p.141
\u201cNever mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be,\u201d p. 174

The cover of the book is ingenious. It encapsulates the premise of the book. There\u2019s a large yellow pencil on the left-hand side and eraser filings on the top as a background for part of the title. It\u2019s a masterful illustration of the title, Personality Isn\u2019t Permanent.

Premise of the book

It is so much more than a book about personality. It's more about how our choices define us. I\u2019ll quote from page four of the introduction:

\u201cThe argument of this book is that your \u2018personality' doesn\u2019t matter. Even more, your personality is not the most fundamental aspect of who you are. Instead, your personality is surface-level, transitory, and a by-product of something much deeper.

\u201cThe most fundamental aspect of your humanity is your ability to make choices and stand by those choices, what Viktor Frankel called the last of human freedoms, \u2018To choose one\u2019s own way.\u2019 Choosing your own way has at least two key meanings: making decisions about what you want to happen and choosing how you respond to what does happen. Choosing one\u2019s own way is what makes one human - and the more you own the power of your own decision-making, the more your life and outcomes will be in your control.\u201d

Take-aways from the book

• It\u2019s a rich combination of research, theory, and practical application of principles, especially how our choices define us.
• The book is full of hope that we can all be better versions of ourselves, if we want to be.
• He talks a lot about focusing on our future self, about making decisions that will be consistent with the person we want to be, not necessarily the person we are now.
• The author extols the practices of fasting and tithing. He tells the story of George in the \u201cEnhance Your Subconscious\u201d chapter who tithed on 10% of what he intended to earn in the future, not what he already earned. [read from p. 193]
• So many rich concepts in the book. Here are just a few, which I will quote verbatim

Quotes from the author

You become who you choose to be. p.5

There is no such thing as a personality type. Personality types are social or mental constructions, not actual realities. There is no science behind the idea of personality types, and most of the popular personality quizzes were created by people who had no business trying to define people. p. 26

We overemphasize the importance of the past, which leads us to become increasingly narrow in how we view ourselves and the world. p. 37

How we describe, interpret, and identify with our past has far more to do with where we are here and now, than it does with our actual past, p. 48

\u201cAuthenticity\u201d these days is usually another way of saying \u201cI have a fixed mindset.\u2019 I am a certain way and shouldn\u2019t be expected to do anything but what comes immediately naturally and easy for me. I shouldn\u2019t have to do anything but what feels good right now.\u201d p. 62

Every behavior has a reason. Realizing why you\u2019re engaging in a specific behavior is fundamental to becoming a conscious human being. p. 74.

On pages 128-135 he talks about being an \u201cempathetic witness.\u201d How we need these kinds of people in our lives, and how we can be an empathetic witness to others. It\u2019s all about caring for others.

Advice for getting the most out of life

A quote from T.S. Eliot about reframing our past, \u201cWhat we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we begin from.\u201d p. 166

The author talks about the importance of expressing one\u2019s emotions to trusted \u201cempathetic witnesses\u201d in the chapter on \u201cEnhance Your Subconscious.\u201d

\u201cRather than being defined by your former behaviors, you can and should be defined by your future behaviors.\u201d p, 195.

In chapter 6, \u201cRedesign Your Environment\u201d he cites a 1979 research study. [Read from pages 197-198].

\u201cPutting yourself in new environments, around new people, and taking on new roles is one of the quickest ways to change your personality, for better or worse. Fully take on roles you assume and you\u2019ll change from the outside in.\u201d p. 199

Pages 227- 229 is the story of Melissa who experienced several devastating tragedies in life. She wrote about them in journals. The author describes how she processed these tragedies: \u201cWhile reading through her journals, and while journaling and praying at length, she had a paradigm shift. She began to see her past differently. For most of her life she had felt like a victim. She had felt she was cursed by God. But while reading those old journals and reflecting on her experiences she saw her experiences differently. Rather than curses, she saw compliments. Her's is a great example of how our choices define us, and that we don't have to live life as a victim.

\u201cGod really trusts you,\u201d she thought to herself. \u201cEverything I\u2019ve gone through is a gigantic compliment from God not only for what I can handle but for what he wants me to do.\u201d

Why It\u2019s Worth Reading

• It\u2019s consistent with biblical principles of living
• It\u2019s a great application of Romans 12: 2, \u201cDon\u2019t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God\u2019s will is for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.\u201d
• It\u2019s a great application of Philippians 1: 6, \u201c\u2026being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.\u201d
• I found it inspiring to think more about the diminishing amount of future I have each day and how to make it the best it can be in ways that bring out the best in me and blesses others.

Amazon Reviews of the Book

• 1551 reviews at the time of this writing of the show notes, 85% of which are 5-star reviews
• The few negative reviews said there\u2019s nothing new here. I respectfully disagree. Not many other authors are criticizing personality tests, or touting the benefits of taking a mission, tithing, or fasting.
  He talks about some common themes of daily life, but often from a unique perspective
  Then there\u2019s always comments like, \u201cHe didn\u2019t write about this; he didn\u2019t write about that.\u201d In other words, because he didn\u2019t write about what I wanted to read, it\u2019s not that great a book.
  \u201cThe book was life-changing\u201d was a common theme in the many positive reviews

So what does all this mean for YOU?

Read the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put into practice what the author suggests.

It will take wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit to individualize personal applications of the book.

Ask a few people if they\u2019d like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read.

Have your teenagers read the book!

If you lead a group of people in your job, church, or organization, read the book as a group and discuss it. It would be a great way for the people you lead to learn how to care for each other by learning how to listen better.

If you forget everything else, here\u2019s the one thing I hope you remember from today\u2019s episode.

Our personality doesn\u2019t define us. Our choices define us. What we choose to make happen, and our choices in responding to whatever may happens to us. This is what defines us.

I\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode, just like Randy shared his thoughts about a prior episode

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

Well, that\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now.

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\xa0 If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Resources mentioned in today\u2019s show

Episode 107, Seeing is Believing. Or is it?

Personality Isn\u2019t Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. by Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.