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Published: July 7, 2021, 8 a.m.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 112, Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021.

When I give workshops on how to listen well I like to give examples of both good and bad listening. I usually use samples of both from Facebook posts or catchy cartoons. But these are just visual. What I really would like to use for examples would be video clips from both ends of the listening spectrum. Sometimes movie excerpts will work for this, but the best examples are from real-life encounters between people.

If Janet and I are in a restaurant or in a crowd of people I will sometimes say, \u201cI wish I could make a video of those people over there and how they\u2019re engaging with each other.\u201d We run into all kinds of bad examples of people talking over each other, drawing attention to themselves, quickly changing the subject, and missed opportunities for connection. These are all too common.

But I recently witnessed a brief, but beautiful interaction between two strangers at a high school graduation party I wish I could have recorded. It would make my highlight reel of how to listen well. Stay with me now as I describe what happened because it will give you an idea or two for how you can listen well to the people in your life.

Listener responses to a prior episode

Before I describe the story of this interaction, I want to share a response from a listener to episode 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021.

John, Good morning. Thanks for today\u2019s podcast. Where were you 25 years ago? This would have [served me well then] and will serve me, well going forward.

This is the episode where I offered a free downloadable pdf entitled 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever in 2021.\xa0 Click here if you haven\u2019t gotten your copy.

Now for today\u2019s story of great listening

The scene

• In South Carolina to attend our grandson Nathan\u2019s high school graduation
• Later in the day, his best friend\u2019s parents invited all of us to their house for a small graduation party. Just two extended families.
• Didn\u2019t know the host at all. I\u2019ll call him Dave. Nice guy.
• Most of us were in the backyard, and Dave took a break from cooking on the grill and sat down on a patio chair to rest for a bit and talk with his guests.

Transparent expression of grief

Out of the blue, he wistfully remarked,

\u201cI remember 9 years ago I was on the campus of my alma mater thinking, someday my son Jason [not his real name] will leave home and will be walking on a campus like this. Now in just a few months, that\u2019s going to happen.

I\u2019m not ready for this.\u201d

How do you listen well to a comment like this?

Response to vulnerability

• At first, there was no response to this heartfelt expression of loss. \u201cI\u2019m not ready for my son to leave home for college 700 miles away.\u201d Just silence from the guests
• Myself included.\xa0 Then I started remembering how I had similar feelings as Dave when our kids went off to college many years ago. And now just last fall with our twin grandsons
• I was flooded with remembering the initial sadness, and how I wasn\u2019t ready for it either. I also remember the joy that eventually followed. It reminded me a little bit like death, this very stark jump from one stage of parenting I was comfortable with, to an entirely new stage I knew nothing about.
• I really felt for the guy.

The ORA principle: Observe. Remember. Act

Breaking the silence was my wife Janet\u2019s response to Dave, a complete stranger.

\u201cYeah, and then they come home for a weekend visit from college, and sometime on Sunday they announce, \u2018Well, I guess it\u2019s time for me to head back home.\u2019

\u201cHome???? Your college dorm room is now home???? What about THIS place, isn\u2019t this your home?\u201d

Observe

Janet paid attention to the words Dave spoke, but also to the feelings he expressed in saying those words. She saw them in his body language. He was grieving. He was feeling the loss of his son. Life will not be the same in a few months.

Remember

In responding to Dave, Janet later told me she was intentional about applying what she learned in I Hear You the book I reviewed in episode 105, How to Listen Better

Janet remembered what it was like for her when our kids went off to college. She remembered her feelings, which allowed her to more closely identify with his.

Act

• Janet acted by putting into practice the central thesis of the I Hear You book by affirming Dave\u2019s feeling of loss and sadness over bringing to a close the only chapter of parenting he knew. Her comment about when a child starts calling his dorm room home, and how surprising that is to a parent, showed she understood Dave\u2019s feelings. She normalized his emotions, which is a powerful way to affirm what someone is feeling. And she did it without saying, \u201cthat\u2019s normal."
• Instead, Janet showed Dave it was normal by her comments which so aligned with his.
• She refrained from interjecting her story into his. She refrained from re-living that painful part of parenting.
• Janet kept the focus on him, by keeping it off of herself.
• She did the hard work of refraining from giving advice, and of just being quiet in this tender moment.
• Janet acted by holding back advice like, you\u2019ll get over it soon. It\u2019s every parents\u2019 job to guide their child to independence.
• \u201cNever miss a good chance to shut up.\u201d ~ W.C. Fields

So what does all this mean for YOU?

How can you use what you\u2019ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas:

Lots of parents are like Dave this time of year, thinking about their kid going off to college. Be kind to them. Watch out for them.

Listen to episode 69, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.\xa0 It offers a suggestion like this:

Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. \u201cHow did it go for you?\u201d

You can also send a card or note in the mail that says something like this:

\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and entering this new unknown one.\u201d Something like that.

We have opportunities to bless people with our words. God can use us in this capacity. Take advantage of these opportunities.

Here\u2019s the main point of today\u2019s episode

The first thing to do to listen well to someone is to affirm their feelings without presenting a silver lining to their dark cloud. The second thing is avoid interjecting your own story into theirs.

I\u2019d love to hear any thoughts you have about today\u2019s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the \u201cLeave a Reply\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

I\u2019m especially interested in any experiences you\u2019ve had as described in today\u2019s show, and how you handled that experience.

Closing

In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven\u2019t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts.

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.
Well, that\u2019s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now.

Related episodes you may want to listen to

106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021

105, How to Listen Better

069, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.\xa0

You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\xa0 If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.