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Published: Feb. 24, 2021, 9 a.m.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 93, Remembering Deepens Our Relationships. Only 7 more programs until we reach that magic triple-digit number of 100 episodes.

And in 3 days we\u2019ll also mark the 5th anniversary of the day my book was published, entitled THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Few people know this, but it was selected by Writer\u2019s Digest as the best inspirational book of 2016. If you remember back to 2016, you may recall there was a real lack of inspiration that year, so the completion wasn\u2019t too tough. Nevertheless, I felt honored that the book won this award.

This anniversary is inspiring me to offer the book to our listeners at 25% off the retail price, good though the end of this month. All proceeds of the sale of the book go to support our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. Go to caringforothers.org/store to order. Be sure to enter \u201c2016\u201d in the Discount Coupon field.

A friend\u2019s important question

Today I want to talk about a question a friend of mine raised several months ago in a meeting at our house. It was for a group of leaders and interested people in our church who wanted to raise their skill level in caring for people in their small groups.

In that meeting we talked about the importance of setting aside our needs, and concerns for a time, so we could tune in the people in our group undistracted by issues or things we were dealing with ourselves. This creates an environment where we can ask others clarifying and follow-up questions.

At the end of the meeting, my friend Chris, sitting next to his wife on our little blue sofa said, \u201cI finally get this, I really do. But what\u2019s next? What do I do now?

Today\u2019s show will attempt to answer Chris\u2019s important question.

The O.R.A. principle of deepening relationships

I want to answer Chris\u2019s question in the context of what we\u2019ve been considering the best few episodes, the ORA principle of deepening relationships. If we want deeper relationships it\u2019s helpful to observe people- remember something about them, then ask them questions. O.R.A. We started with asking questions, then backtracked to observing people so you have something to ask them about.

Today we talk about that all-important ORA principle in the middle: Remembering. Remembering things about people. Remembering what they\u2019ve told us, and remembering what we\u2019ve observed about them. Recalling what people said and what we observe about them gives us something meaningful to talk about. Remembering deepens our relationships.

The problem of remembering

Deepening a relationship is not a linear process. It\u2019s not a step-by-step orderly process like baking a cake or building a house. It\u2019s a circular process.

We are a forgetful people. We are prone not the remember. Remembering, or not forgetting, is mention often in the bible. Deuteronomy 8 mentions at least 4 different times the importance of remembering or not forgetting. In this case, to not forget all that God has done for the children of Israel and to remember to obey his commands.

In Psalm 113:2, David writes, \u201cLet all that I am praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things he does for me.\u201d

The importance of remembering

In John 2 there are at least 2 instances recorded about the disciples remembering something from scripture or their prior encounter with Jesus

Remembering becomes part of being \u201cUnconsciously Competent\u201d in our relationships. It\u2019s level 4 in a series we did on relationship skills two years ago. Check out episode 14 if you want a refresher on this relational skill level.

Remembering the past helps us understand the present in our relationships

Birthdays are all about remembering. Randy\u2019s note. Birthday celebrations. Surprise birthdays.

Birthday and anniversary celebrations are about remembering. So are holy days, like Christmas and Easter. They are about remembering. National holidays, like Memorial Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Independence Day here in the US are about remembering.

Imagine what it would be like if we forgot Christmas, Easter, and Memorial Day? What if we didn\u2019t remember Thanksgiving and Independence Day? Life is so much richer when we remember these events in our history.

Equally so, our relationships are so much richer when we remember even the small things. Remembering deepens our relationships.

The benefits of remembering

Remembering is about where we, and others, have come from.

Communion is all about remembering. Jesus says at the last supper and the first communion, whenever you do this, do it in remembrance of me.

Remembering gives us context with people. It adds meat to the bones of our relationship. How well we remember is an indicator of the depth of our relationship with someone.

It\u2019s important to remember the bad stuff, too. Remember bad patterns of behavior in others. It helps to predict what the future will be like in that relationship. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.

Examples from my recruiting days. Remember the data, it\u2019s more predictive than hope. we hope he doesn\u2019t repeat his bad behavior.

Remember the good within the context of the bad.

Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today\u2019s program

How do you do this? How do you remember to deepen your relationships?

Reduce the busyness in your life so you have room in your mind and heart for things worth remembering. Get rid of the mental and emotional clutter to free up space.

Pray for people.

Write things down.

Use what you see, what you observe. When you do this well, you\u2019ll be reminded of things. You\u2019ll think to yourself, \u201cOh yeah, when I saw X do Y, I thought of Z. Maybe I should ask him about it.\u201d

Football players have playbooks. They repeat the same plays over and over again so that in a game they don\u2019t have to remember exactly what to do. It becomes 2nd nature to them. You don\u2019t want to have to think in the heat of the moment.

Go from remembering to being intuitive. Where it\u2019s wired, or re-wired into your DNA. It\u2019s step 4 of Relational Skill development, Unconsciously Skilled, where you remember things about another person without even trying.

From Dorcas: 1/20/21

"So two things that stuck out with your ORA principle. \xa0One, you nailed it when going over reasons why people say they don\u2019t want to ask questions...like that would be nosey, etc. \xa0You were right! \xa0I smiled when you said, \u201cthat\u2019s a cop-out\u201d! \xa0And it is a cop-out...some people just don\u2019t want to get involved or go deeper.

"The second thing that brought comfort and encouragement was reminding me \u201cObserving \u2013 Remembering \u2013 Asking is a skill. And like any skill, it takes repetition and practice.\u201d \xa0Even old dogs can learn new tricks or improve on ones that have gotten rusty. \xa0Refreshing! \xa0Thanks, John."

Remembering is like a bank.

We make deposits into it, and also withdrawals from it. Deposit more than you withdraw.

I used to ask my grandkids when they were much younger, \u201cHey kids, what are we doing now? Making memories, grandpa.\u201d

Make deposits in the memory banks of others, that they can withdraw from later. Funeral services can be like this, where family and friends of the deceased share memories of the person who died. It\u2019s withdrawing from our memory bank what the person deposited into our account before they passed on.

As always, of course, we can pray to God that he will help us remember.

As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today\u2019s episode. The easiest way is to put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the \u201cLeave a Reply\u201d box at the bottom of the show notes.

If you forget everything else, here\u2019s one thing I hope you remember from today\u2019s episode.

Work at remembering things about the people in our life to the point it\u2019s no longer work. Set aside our own concerns and needs occasionally, to create space to remember important data about the important people in our life. Remembering deepens our relationships.

Closing

I hope your thinking was stimulated by today\u2019s show, to both reflect and to act by remembering what people have said and what you observe about them. In doing so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This.

That\u2019s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now.

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You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.\xa0 If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.