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b'

In this installment of "Apocalypse Party" by Sean Gilbert, difficult questions are asked and answered and argued about, such as which section of a human centipede would you rather be?

Here\'s a taste:

\\u201cYou are out of your mind!\\u201d I told Alicia. \\u201cIt\\u2019s obvious that C would be better!\\u201d
\\u201cI thought you said A was better!\\u201d she contradicted.
\\u201cEveryone knows A is best! That\\u2019s not in question. Beyond that it\\u2019s just a matter of whether you\\u2019d rather\\xa0be B or C.\\u201d
\\u201cThen it\\u2019s definitely B!\\u201d Alicia insisted.
\\u201cYou\\u2019re insane. B gets it on both ends. That\\u2019s the worst of all!\\u201d
\\u201cBut at least B gets to dish it out!\\u201d
\\u201cYou\\u2019re disgusting.\\u201d
\\u201cAt least that way you\\u2019re not a total victim. You get to shit in someone else\\u2019s mouth.\\u201d
\\u201cWhy would you want to shit in someone\\u2019s mouth?\\u201d\\xa0
\\u201cI\\u2019m just saying, if someone\\u2019s shitting in my mouth...\\u201d
\\u201cYou\\u2019re terrible,\\u201d I declared piously. I have no tolerance for mouth-shitters.

ENTER: STEFAN\\xa0

Every now and then there\\u2019s a drunk guy so unbelievably obnoxious it\\u2019s kind of endearing. That night it wasn\\u2019t me. I\\u2019m a sweetheart on my worst night compared to Stefan.\\xa0
He was a four foot German who approached our table inexplicably and was just as inexplicably pissed off at the whole of existence. All attempts at conversation ended in bile.\\xa0
He looked confused and disheveled. We were so amused at the idea of him that we didn\\u2019t even notice that his right hand was covered in dried blood.\\xa0
Considering he chose to stand in such close proximity with no stated purpose, I decided to extend a greeting.
\\u201cWhat\\u2019s up?\\u201d
He moved between me and Dane to sit on a stool near Charlotte. His surly countenance softened somewhat at the sight of her.
\\u201cVhat\\u2019s up vith you?\\u201d he asked of her instead of answering me. \\u201cI am Stefan.\\u201d
\\u201cWhere are you from?\\u201d she humored him. The novelty of any new experience is enough to make it acceptable to the inebriated.
\\u201cVhere ze fuck do you sink I\\u2019m from?\\u201d he said sharply.
\\u201cDoucheland?\\u201d Tracy asked. He had a distinct German accent.
\\u201cDeutschland!\\u201d he corrected her, which was unnecessary since the mispronunciation had been deliberate.
\\u201cWhatever,\\u201d said Tracy, unfazed at the admonishment.
Dane decided to try his hand, asking Stefan: \\u201cDid you come here for SCAD?\\u201d
The little man snorted indignantly.
\\u201cDo I look like a fucking art student?\\u201d he complained.
\\u201cYes,\\u201d I told him. He absolutely did.
\\u201cDo you like it here?\\u201d Charlotte asked him, at this point making conversation out of pure fascination.
\\u201cNo, I fucking hate it here!\\u201d he barked angrily, as if all questions were infuriating.
\\u201cThen what the fuck are you doing here?\\u201d I asked him with annoyance. I meant it in every applicable way.
\\u201cI don\\u2019t fucking know!\\u201d he admitted.
\\u201cWell, how\\u2019d you get here?\\u201d I pressed him.
\\u201cHow did you get here, asshole?\\u201d was his curt rejoinder.
Without asking, Stefan took a cigarette from the pack of Kools and used my lighter to light it. Scowling at the flavor, he examined the pack with disgust.
\\u201cI hate fucking Kools!\\u201d he spat out with rage.
\\u201cSorry, Stefan,\\u201d I said insincerely, \\u201cthey were out of Marlboros.\\u201d
\\u201cI hate fucking Marlboros too!\\u201d\\xa0
He took offense at this even though we never offered him a cigarette at all. He was beside himself with anger at the prospect of settling, and banged his tiny fist on the table in defiance.\\xa0
We took no offense, mostly because we couldn\\u2019t stop laughing. Stefan was a treasure, an unexplainable force of nature. Like an angry little gnome sent to entertain us with his ire.\\xa0
The conversation tapered off, and after introductions were made Stefan couldn\\u2019t remember anyone\\u2019s name so he decided to call every-one Ross. Except me. Me he continued to call Asshole.