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Published: Jan. 12, 2024, 6 a.m.

Norman Lear is someone whose work, talent, and creativity I\u2019ve admired for a long time. I've used an interview that he gave before he died as my inspiration for this episode, when he said about his own mortality, "It's not the going... it's the leaving that's hard."

So today on SW, we\u2019re going to focus on endings and grieving and three facets of grief that may be surprising:

• When grief is harder the second year and facing the future is hard
• When your grief means that you fear risking loving again
• When grief is characterized by "counterfactuals" - "what if's" for example - that keep you paralyzed and living the same life you did when the deceased was alive

Our Speakpipe voicemail today is from a daughter who\u2019s looking for answers for her mom \u2013 after her mother has moved in with her own mother (the listener\u2019s grandmother). \u201cShe feels a heavy energy\u2026\u201d. And asks how I can help\u2026

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What are counterfactuals and how do they keep you stuck in grief?

\u201cThe reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not \u2018get over\u2019 the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.\u201d
\u2015\xa0Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

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You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast,\xa0SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.\xa0Subscribe\xa0to\xa0my website\xa0and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you\u2019d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click\xa0here\xa0and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled\xa0Perfectly Hidden Depression\xa0is available\xa0here!\xa0Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there\u2019s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You\u2019ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you\u2019re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I\u2019ll look forward to hearing from you!

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