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Published: Oct. 27, 2023, 5 a.m.

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Talking about narcissism has become somewhat of a national pastime in the US at least. Everyone is calling someone who used them or who they felt manipulated by a narcissist. And perhaps they are \u2013 or were. But what exactly is narcissism and how is it different than healthy self-esteem? Is it on a spectrum or can it ever be helpful?\xa0 Is it necessary to have a bit of it to have self-confidence?\xa0 And how does humility play into this? Or is "humility" weakness?

I\u2019ve seen some dramatic examples in the last few years of things going wrong for my clients\u2013 when the focus on self and the need to be and look successful has led to a huge escalation of depression (sometimes silent as in perfectly hidden depression) due to way over-the-top feelings of failure \u2013 rather than allowing that to be an example of making a mistake and learning from it. Or of life handing you some hard, even cruel, or tragic experiences. \xa0In our self-focused world, this kind of acceptance can be punitively described as accepting failure - \xa0instead of what humility truly is \u2013 recognizing your true place in the universe, not buying in too much to your successes, your desires, or your failings.

To me, humility is the moderating factor to prevent narcissism from becoming destructive, and instead promotes self-esteem and self-love rather than self-worship or self-centeredness.

The listener email today is about finding out about a spouse\u2019s affair with a work colleague and how to discuss whether the spouse should leave that workplace or not. It\u2019s a sticky discussion and one I\u2019ve witnessed many times in my office as a couple tries to balance regaining trust with other factors, like financial stability. \xa0People have tried some very unhealthy solutions which\u2019ve only created more distrust, not less. Regaining and rebuilding trust can be a full-time job, but months of hypervigilance isn\u2019t going to be helpful.

Vital Links:

Psych Central article written by Hilary Lebow on healthy versus unhealthy narcissism

Article by Dr. Dimitrios Tsatiris on the power of humility

https://drmargaretrutherford.com/005-selfwork-after-an-affair-the-essential-steps-of-regaining-trust/

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