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Published: May 21, 2021, 5 a.m.

Before we get started, I wanted you to know that Facing Depression, my new course all about depression -\xa0 what causes it and what you can do about it -\xa0is available now, exclusively on Himalaya Learning. Himalaya Learning is an audio learning platform that provides an extensive library of courses straight to your ears from the world's greatest minds like Malcolm Gladwell, Tim Ferriss, Seth Godin, and more. To listen to this course and others like it, go to himalaya.com/depression and enter promo code OVERCOMING at checkout to get your first 14 days free. I hope to see you there!

In this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we\u2019re going to look into the facts about being an only child, about birth order in general, and about the parent/child fit or the role temperament plays in a parent/child relationship..\xa0 \xa0I\u2019ve had many a patient who said, \u201cMy mother never liked me.\u201d or \u201cIt was obvious she was closer to my older sister." Often recognizing that the fit between their temperaments was not so easy, is healing. It can ease the tension in the present, and help both parent and adult child to establish a better relationship with one another.

One article (link below) outlined what you can do as a parent to understand the fit between your temperament and your child's. And there are five steps:

1.)\xa0Identify your child\u2019s temperament traits.\xa0 Notice how they interact with the world - what their temperament is.

2.)\xa0Describe what you are observing to the child.\xa0 This helps her learn about her behavior style, how to handle it, and what you expect from her, \u201cYou don\u2019t like new places.\xa0 You like to watch until you feel comfortable.\u201d

3.)\xa0Identify your own temperament traits.\xa0 Notice how they affect your behavior.

4.)\xa0Consider whether your temperamental traits and those of your child fit together easily.\xa0 If not, recognize any difficulties which the differences may cause.\xa0 For example, a parent who has low sensitivity has difficulty being patient with her high sensitivity child who can\u2019t tolerate the feel of the tags on his shirts.

5.) Avoid criticizing or labeling your child with words such as forgetful, wild, fussy, quitter, shy.

The listener voicemail asks a question about how to handle a partner not being emotionally available. She asked it after listening to the episode on trauma bonding \u2013 but wanted to hear more as she herself had ended a relationship with a covert narcissist. She says, \u201cI keep attracting people who aren\u2019t emotionally supportive and I keep craving it when I know they can\u2019t give it.\u201d So I\u2019ll answer her \u2013 what would you say?

Important Links:

Click this link to try\xa0Athletic Greens wonderful offer\xa0as a SelfWork Listener!

The work of Alfred Adler concerning birth order

The work of Toni Falbo, dispelling the myth of the "only child syndrome"

Emily Oster's article on only children in The New York Times

Scientific American article on birth order

NIH article on temperament - survey of studies

What do you do to ensure a better parent/child fit?\xa0

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast,\xa0SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.\xa0Subscribe\xa0to\xa0my website\xa0and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you\u2019d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click\xa0here\xa0and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled\xa0Perfectly Hidden Depression\xa0has arrived and you can order\xa0here!\xa0Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there\u2019s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You\u2019ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you\u2019re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I\u2019ll look forward to hearing from you!

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