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Saving a Marriage
I received an email this week in which I was asked, “I think I am at the very beginning of the divorce process. My husband has mentioned that he is very unhappy. We decided to separate and I am aware that he has an inappropriate relationship with a younger woman on-line who lives far away. I believe he is going to visit her in the next month or so. He refuses to go to counseling which is very hard. I wonder if you might share some of what you did that first year after your ex shared with you that she wanted a divorce. You have mentioned you tried to save the marriage for a year and it didn’t work out and I’m curious about more of your experiences during that time.”

I would be happy to relate my experiences, but keep in mind that my marriage ended in divorce. I think I did many of the right things but ultimately my wife was just too far down the divorce road to come back.

So, what did I do when faced with the prospect of divorce? Well, the first thing I did was hit my knees.

I had always considered myself a man of faith, but when faced with an upheaval like divorce I experienced the love of God like never before. He was there for me when no one else could be. The Bible says our faith is refined in the fires of life and my experience is that is absolutely true. I found a relationship with God/Jesus that I had only dreamed of before.

I came to the realization for the first time in my life that the only person I can change is me. I can change the way someone feels by my actions. I can give them a reason to either like or dislike me but ultimately, I have no control over what anyone else does and this included my wife.

So, I truly listened to what my wife was saying, maybe for the first time. I tried to work on the things about me that were causing her to be unhappy. There were some things that I did not agree with, but those I could change I actively tried to do so.

I joined a Celebrate Recovery group at my church to deal with anger issues. This was an amazing experience that helped me come to grips with the fact that I was likely getting divorced. Working through this with a group of fellow Christians who were each dealing with hurts, habits or hang-ups of their own was a source of encouragement that I desperately needed at the time.

In general, when guys are faced with a problem we want to fix it. Being trained as an engineer, that tendency is exceptionally strong in me.

I poured myself into learning about relationships. I studied both what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship and what to do to try to repair a relationship that is damaged.

I highly recommend “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” by Willard Harley. There are worksheets in the books that, if you can get your Husband or Wife to participate, will give an idea of where you need to focus your attention. Since this husband in our question above is in an inappropriate relationship, I would also recommend “Surviving an Affair” also by Harley. Another good book is “When Love Dies” by Judy Bodmer.

There are likely many other great resources out there. These are just some that I read and felt like they helped me.

My advice to anyone suffering through marital issues is to learn all you can about what it takes to have a good marriage. Put what you’ve learned into practice in the hopes of saving your marriage. If you are not able to save your marriage you will at least be better prepared for future relationships and you will have the peace of

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Wrap Up
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