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Why Is He So Unconcerned?
A listener wrote in with the following question: “I was wondering if you could address how a person can totally appear to have no concern about the person they knew and loved for more than 23 years? It just hurts so very much! Why do my thoughts just go to him? It doesn’t help that all I can do is think right now…”

An analogy:

It’s a couple hundred years ago and let’s say you are going on a six month journey where you will not be able to communicate with folks back home. It may be sailing around the world, hiking the amazon, an expedition to Antarctica, whatever it is you have no way to communicate with loved ones for six months.

You make preparations to leave and say your goodbyes and then you are out of touch for six months. When you return you are expecting your parents to meet you, but upon arrival only your father is there. You don’t think too much of it, assuming something has prevented you mother from meeting you.

When you finally reach your father, you can tell that something is wrong. He informs you that your mother passed away in a tragic accident the day after you left.

You are distraught with a whole host of emotions bombarding you at once. You are in denial that your mother is gone, angry at yourself for not being there, and all the while in disbelief that your father is taking this so calmly.

Well, he’s had six months to deal with his grief, but it’s fresh and raw to you. You are six months behind him in the grieving process. This is exactly what happens very often in the divorce process. For whatever reason, one spouse begins to pull away from the marriage, the changes can be so subtle that the other spouse doesn’t even realize what’s happening or they think this is just a low spot in the marriage they will eventually work through.
The Grieving Process
The events may transpire something like this: For this illustration we will assume the husband is leaving the wife to follow on from the initial question.

The marriage is in a rut: Both spouses know that something isn’t right but neither really knows what to do. During this time something draws the husbands attention away from the marriage; work, midlife crisis, another woman, whatever it is doesn’t matter, what matters is that saving his marriage is no longer a top priority.

He is in denial at first, but when reality sinks in he becomes angry. His anger may or may not be directed at his wife, but she can definitely tell that something is wrong when she confronts him and he denies it, or they end up fighting.

He may or may not enter a bargaining phase where he is trying to bring his conflicting emotions into harmony with each other; this may dump him back into an anger phase.

He will eventually enter a depressed state because he realizes he can’t have it all. Something has to go. His wife thinks things are improving because he is not angry any more but in fact their marriage is moving rapidly toward divorce.

His mood will start to improve when he finally decides that his marriage is what’s holding him back and a divorce is the answer. His wife sees his improved mood as a sign that things are indeed getting better, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Now that he’s decided on divorce he goes into a planning phase. He contacts his lawyer, makes a plan for life after divorce and makes preparations to tell his wife.

His love is gone.

He is determined that a divorce is the best course of action and it comes down to a business transaction. A business transaction with an old friend who he’s lost touch with.

When he finally tells his wife she is totally taken by surprise. There was no indication he was planning this.

And just like the traveler returning to find out his mother was dead, the wife is months or years behind the husband in the grieving process.

The husband seems cold and uncaring because he is. He has accepted the divorce as a forgone conclusion.