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Alliteration is a weakness, cadets, but the sheer bulk of stupid, obnoxious, silly, or irritating fails this week managed to obscure some of the bigger stories of the week, and calls for some literary larks. This time, just to be different, Cap'ns Mike and Charles dispose of one of the week's major talking points -- Apple's fiscal Q3 results -- in a mere 90 seconds, with some follow-up commentary on the surprising difficulties befalling Cook & Company's main rivals. We move away from finance fast, friends, and forage the forrest of fail for fiascos, fatuous flops, and faux pas! Oops, sorry. And yet there's more! The crew also go granular on the "voice clips from smart speakers" controversy, note Apple Card's terms and conditions, welcome CBS All Access to Apple's TV app and note HBO Max as the new home of streaming "NuWho" (2005-on Doctor Who -- yes, there's more than that of it), praise (yes praise) some government moves that are pro-consumer (for once), study Intel's latest 10nm chips, and lambast Verizon for not understanding the world "unlimited" (go sit in the corner next to AT&T, ya morons!). What th' Fail this week singes BMW, the trade war, Equifax, Capital One, idiotic lawsuits, and an Apple bug that ought to have been fixed by now. All this and a tutorial on the T2, and how to keep the HammerCast and Space Javelin episodes filed nicely -- along with yet another life saved by Apple Watch and a man named Mac Book who has a low bribe point. Carefully puncture your space suits with your Ford-era WIN buttons, cadets ... it's all the armor you need to fight the fusillade of fabulists!