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What is the main killer of passion and intimacy in a relationship? In this episode of the HEARTS Entwined Podcast, Lyn discusses control. Sometimes we don't even realise that we are using controlling behaviours in our relationships. But where does this control come from? And what are the signs we should be looking for in order to make sure we maintain healthy passion and intimacy in our relationships? Join Lyn as she provides an invaluable insight into the signs of using 'inappropriate' control, and gives us advice on how to avoid the controlling behaviours that cause disconnect and distance. KEY TAKEAWAYS Inappropriate control eliminates passion & intimacy and causes disconnect and distance in our relationships. Generally, people seem oblivious to the fact that they are using controlling behaviours on their partner. The need to be in control generally stems from a feeling of being threatened, the desire to protect ourselves, and sometimes from a deep-rooted fear. It is in recognising the source of this fear that we can begin to overcome the insecurities that lead to controlling behaviours. Some examples of the root cause of fear may have originated from the effects of our parents separating, having one’s trust broken by an adult, being isolated or bullied in school or the workplace, or the loss of a loved one. These sorts of experiences can lead to a loss of trust in one’s self, causing a need to control every aspect of our lives to ensure that we cannot be hurt again. By controlling our partners we fulfil a need to feel certainty. The constant criticising, complaining and comparing can lead to a loss of identity and self-worth that everyone deserves. People will live up to their labels. If we keep reinforcing the idea that they are always wrong or inferior, then this will eventually be the case. If, however, we constantly reinforce the belief that they are capable, respected and appreciated, this will both strengthen their character and the relationship between you. Some examples of controlling behaviour may include: Making decisions on another’s behalf – what they hear is you’ve not got the skills or the intellect to make a decision on your own. Looking at our partners with scorn or contempt – What they are seeing is that you 'disapprove' of them in some way Criticising when tasks are performed – What they hear is “You’re not capable.” Re-doing tasks that have been performed by our partners – They receive the message that they are incompetent Constant instructions –  What they hear is “My way is ‘right’ and yours is ‘wrong. Talking on someone’s behalf – what they hear is that they are incapable of correctly answering for themselves! BEST MOMENTS “Control causes disconnect and distance in relationships” “The opposite of engaging in controlling behaviour is to 'let go'.” “To 'let go' is not to cut yourself off. It’s the realisation that you can’t control another.” “The need to control usually comes from a place of fear .” “Those of us who use control are often the last to realise that we are using it in order to make ourselves feel safe and secure.”   VALUABLE RESOURCES Hearts Entwined Podcast -Apple Podcasts (iTunes) -Spotify -Stitcher ABOUT THE HOST Lyn Smith – (The Queen of HEARTS) – Love, Dating & Relationship Expert Lyn’s personal story is a very inspirational and harrowing one of how she went from having unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships with men (on the back of several serious traumatic sexual assaults in her teens) to now being in a soul fulfilling relationship which makes her feel alive, is full of passion and gives her inner peace. She has a proven track record as a Love Solutions - Relationship Expert / Trainer / Inspirational Speaker and Best-Selling Author based upon her own vast personal research, experiential learning and training with the world’s leading industry experts. Understanding the polarisation of masculine & feminine energy resulted in her creating massive attraction and a passionate, intimate, fulfilling relationship – that inspired her to design & present her own course programmes to share these break-through relationship techniques with women across the globe. HEARTS Entwined is a world-class service based on care and understanding, which is committed to providing step-by-step high-value love, dating and relationship solutions. Lyn makes a difference by helping you make a difference; she has a vision of contributing back on a global scale – to create a lasting legacy of safety, dignity and opportunity for children and women who have survived rape, abuse and severe trauma as a result of war crimes and sex trafficking – through the setting up of worldwide – ‘you can heal your life’ centres.   CONTACT METHOD Email Lyn at lyn@hearts-entwined.com.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.