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Cass Midgley and Dr. Bob Pondillo interview Steve Dicus. This is our Redneck Comedy Tour episode because Steve is born and bred in backwoods Tennessee, because he\u2019s funny and witty and truly an amazing thinker. He\u2019s live in the studio and I do mean LIVE! At age 10 he deconstructed the Noah\u2019s Ark story. This was the first of many cracks in the dam that led to his loss of faith. And to add to interesting facts about Steve, this big burly redneck\u2019s vocation is a pediatric nurse.

Visiting with our guest, Steve, I was reminded of my little home town in Newkirk, OK, and all the insecurities that come to mind when I think of my childhood and teen years. In contrast to our guest, who seems extremely comfortable in his own skin, my teen years were racked with insecurities. I felt deeply that I was a disappointment to my father, who died of cancer when I was 17. I\u2019ve spent the rest of my life trying to get more and more comfortable with what it means to be me. To say yes to what is.

Regarding human insecurity, Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne wrote in an article for Psychology Today titled \u201cWhy We Feel Insecure, and How We Can Stop:

"Everyone feels insecure from time to time, perhaps particularly in certain situations. You may feel that you\u2019re not as attractive, intelligent, or well-situated in life as you could be. Comparing yourself to the people around you can make you feel even worse.\xa0Some people compensate for in securities by trying to elevate themselves at other\u2019s expense. They might see people who seem to have the confidence they crave and envy them. They can even resent them and look for ways to bring them down.\xa0The psychologist Alfred Adler, who coined the term \u201cinferiority complex,\u201d referred to this tendency as \u201cstriving for superiority.\u201d In the worst case scenario, striving for superiority means that you\u2019re stepping on the feelings of those around you. The only way you can make yourself feel bigger is by making them feel smaller.\xa0There are times when insecurities are well-justified, however, and admitting those feelings is psychologically healthy. If you\u2019ve been belittled by a person striving for superiority, it\u2019s normal to question your self-worth. However, recognizing that you\u2019ve been manipulated into feeling this way can help you shake aside that negative self-assessment.\xa0You can also be made to feel insecure by actual events in your life: Your romantic partner threatens to leave you or expresses concern about the future of your relationship. Your teenaged daughter shouts in your face that you\u2019re a terrible parent. Or, your parents can make you feel inadequate by pointing out all your failings and missed opportunities. In all of these cases, you wonder what you\u2019ve done wrong. Feeling better in those situations involves separating your contribution to the problem from the other person\u2019s [contribution].\xa0If you\u2019re feeling insecure\u2026this will negatively affect you the most when you believe you won\u2019t be fairly treated, that the weakness your feeling will cause people to dismiss you or ignore, further amplifying your negative self-image. People can handle insecurity as long as they believe someone is watching out for their well-being. Having faith in the friends around you or your partner can help you get through those waves of insecurity that may overcome you from time to time.\u201d

I was with Dr. Whitbourne throughout this article until that last paragraph. I understand that when you are drowning in self-shame or regret, that friends are a great source of comfort and reinforcement of positive image. But I wish she had gone on to say that once you get on your feet, you will need to find your power within yourself, so that you won\u2019t be toppled every time someone with an inferiority complex insults. By ending the article this way, she seems to be saying, \u201cyou can handle your insecurity as long as you know someone who believes in you.\u201d But what if that person dies? Or they\xa0 turn against you or stop believing in you? If you\u2019re ex-Christian, God may have been that person who knew you best and yet loved you. Where do you find the strength to love yourself now? Where now will you source your confidence?

While I can attest that Dr. Whitbourne\u2019s prescription works\u2014that knowing your mother believes in you is a good start for children, but you will need to grow up someday and believe in yourself. The same is true with the support you feel from friends, or your partner, or your God. Looking to others to prop you up can create a sense of false confidence and power, but it\u2019s not the most authentic, powerful source. It is borrowed from another. It\u2019s still looking outward for identity and validation. \xa0For those of us who adopted the Christian perspective on the human condition being one of total depravity, we have additional work to do to restore a healthy self-image. Even seeing ourselves as good can take some time. But over time we discover that we\u2019re larger, stronger, and better than we thought; we can even be surprised to discover that we held so much goodness. And staying umbilicly connected to surrogate sources of self-acceptance creates blind-spots in one\u2019s psyche where self-hatred can hide and abide.

Since leaving Christianity entirely around 2008, I have spent countless hours in therapy, read a lot of books, listened to tons of podcasts and youtubes, and journaled regularly. I reached a plateau of self-acceptance and personal happiness that was unprecedented in my entire life.\xa0 Only to discover a pocket of my psyche where I was still looking outward for validation. I still had work to do.\xa0

I\u2019m learning to find my power within myself entirely, not in the affirmation of others. Now before you think I\u2019m the guy in Paul Simon\u2019s \u201cI Am a Rock,\u201d I think this work is best done in the context of an intimate, hand-picked community. Consider the power of being with honest, mature friends (who are also on their path to greater self-love and respect) walking out life along side you. And imagine you\u2019ve created a safe atmosphere for honest feedback and praise. This is the best of both worlds\u2014namely, your inner self, where you pursue an understanding of one\u2019s self, extend compassion toward one\u2019s self, and access the courage to be one\u2019s self out and proud, and secondly, you are simultaneously surrounded by an intimate community that can keep you honest about your self-image and the experience your presence creates in others. One without the other creates a lopsided development and can be unhealthy. A self-empowered person can can strong and super-confident, while being obvlious to the experience they\u2019re creating (Trump). A weak, insecure person can be surrounded by friends who seem to love them and yet remain self-loathing.

Amy\xa0 Cuddy, author of \u201cPresence,\u201d writes: \u201cPresence emerges when we feel personally powerful, which allows us to be acutely attuned to our most sincere selves.\u201d \u201cPower\u2026 transforms individual psychology such that the powerful think and act in ways that lead to the retention and acquisition of power. True confidence stems from real love and leads to long-term commitment to growth. False confidence comes from desperate passion and leads to dysfunctional relationships, disappointment, and frustration.\u201d

I also think it is worth noting that insecurity will also be with us. Erich From wrote, \u201cThe task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.\u201d

John Lennon was so resigned to his insecurity that he prescribed staying busy to subdue it. \u201cWork is life, you know, and without it, there's nothing but fear and insecurity.\u201d

Insecurity is universal. And religion actually augments it. Take the Garden of Eden story; before the Fall, they were naked and unashamed. Feeling watched and judged by an all-seeing, judgmental God is extremely damaging to us being able to say yes to ourselves. I\u2019ve found that the naturalist and scientific view of life gives me a lot of \u201cgrace\u201d to borrow a Christian word, for being human. Atheism acknowledges that there is no shame in being alive and conscious. On the contrary, it is a beautiful thing. Albert Einstein agreed, saying, \u201cIt stands to the everlasting credit of science that by acting on the human mind it has overcome man's insecurity before himself and before nature.\u201d The facts show that we just are what we are, with no judgment.\xa0

A monologue would not be complete without a reference to Nietzsche. He zeroed in on a phenomena that happens to insecure people. He called Ressentiment, or as we know it, resentment. He said, \xa0\u201cresentment is a reassignment of the pain that accompanies a sense of one's own inferiority/failure onto an external scapegoat. The ego creates the illusion of an enemy, a cause that can be "blamed" for one's own inferiority/failure. Thus, one was thwarted not by a failure in oneself, but rather by an external "evil."

According to Nietzsche, the more a person is active, strong-willed, and dynamic, the less place and time is left for self-pity and resentment of others one envies. In summary, shut up and get busy being you. The world awaits your beautiful, powerful self.\xa0

Listen for this level of confidence in our guest, Steve Dicus. You\u2019ll hear how, at a young age, he learned to trust his own intellect, listen to his own heart, and thus be present as his true self. You won\u2019t hear arrogance, in fact, you\u2019ll hear humility, but you simultaneously experience a person very comfortable in his skin. Not that he\u2019s void of insecurities, but has seemingly learned well how to manage them and say to what is.\xa0

We taped this conversation on January 14th, 2017. We interview people you don\u2019t know, about a subject no one wants to talk about. We hope to encourage people in the process of deconstructing their faith and help curb the loneliness that accompanies it. We think the world is a better place when more people live by sight, not by faith. Please subscribe to our podcast, and leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts. Our show is available on most podcast platforms.\xa0 Also, you can support us monetarily in two easy ways: you can pledge one dollar per episode through Patreon; that\u2019s www.patreon.com/eapodcast, or leave a lump-sum donation through PayPal at our website, www.everyonesagnostic.com. The smallest contribution is greatly appreciated.

Credits:
"Towering Mountain of Ignorance" intro by Hank Green https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3v3S82TuxU
Intro bumper "Never Know" by Jack Johnson
The segue music is on this episode is called \u201cReasons\u201d and was created by friend of the show \u201cThe Barry Orchestra\u201d found at barryorchestra.bandcamp.com

Thanks for listening and be a yes-sayer to what is.

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