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Without an Anchor on Mother\'s Day

Hello, and welcome to episode 151 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world, reminding you, us, that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.\\xa0\\xa0

Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!\\xa0\\xa0

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What is today\\u2019s show about?

Mother\\u2019s Day and Childlessness

But first: Are you following the Childless not by Choice podcast? This podcast, my podcast? It\\u2019s really easy to do and costs nothing. Simply go to Apple podcast, search for Childless not by Choice podcast, and follow. As soon as a new episode comes out, you are notified. As a follower, you get the new episode about a week before I start promoting it on social media.\\xa0

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Thank you Patreon contributors:

I would like to take a moment to thank the people who make a financial contribution to the platform on a monthly basis, my Patreon Contributors.\\xa0

Your contributions help pay my podcast producer, my podcast host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, etc. So thank you very much!\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0

If you are not yet a Patron, visit patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice to set up your monthly contribution. No matter your giving level, I have a gift for you!\\xa0\\xa0

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Your contributions to the platform are greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

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Questions or comments? Contact me at:

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Email: Info@civillamorgan.com

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Visit the website at www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen, and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.

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Body of episode:

This is year four since my mom left this world. I hear tell year three is the worst year of grieving a loss. Does that make year four and beyond, are more manageable? Maybe, but one of the important lessons I learned along the grieving journey, is that people grieve differently.\\xa0

I\\u2019m glad I learned that early because I would have been upset at certain people that did not seem to grieve the way I was grieving.

I also realized that my grief wasn\\u2019t necessarily more important, it was just different. And different can happen for many reasons. It can happen if you were the last person to see that person alive, or you were the primary caregiver. It does not mean that the people who were not there or who were not the primary caregiver are not grieving. It just means that people will grieve differently.

That, again, was a very, very important lesson to learn, because I know I would have been upset if I did not get that understanding early.\\xa0

So, does year four and beyond bring lesser grief? I don\\u2019t think so. I think grief just becomes more manageable with time. That\\u2019s it.

I find that I smile more when talking about my mom now. I was told that would happen, but I did not believe it! My mom had jokes. She loved to laugh. I am convinced she would have loved Tik Tok. I\\u2019ve mentioned this in the past, but she even got jokes out of the evening news. Go figure!\\xa0

Sometimes I think about the jokes she told over and over, about her childhood. There are inside jokes I will take with me to my grave. There are things she made me promise not to tell. Mostly benign things to be honest. But I will honor her memory by keeping my promises to her.\\xa0

No matter how young or old you are when you lose your mother, it doesn\\u2019t matter, in my opinion. Your mother is your anchor. When you lose her, you lose your anchor, at least temporarily. That was something else I learned early in my grief journey. I couldn\\u2019t figure out the feeling I had. I felt lost, and it was scary. Then someone mentioned that she felt anchorless after losing her mother. I remembered thinking, \\u2018That\\u2019s it! That\\u2019s the feeling I had, but did not understand.\\u2019\\xa0\\xa0

It\\u2019s so important, at least for me, to listen to other people\\u2019s grief journey. It doesn\\u2019t mean mine will be the exact journey, it just means I can glean something, and I have. A lot. I have heard some women say things like \\u2018It\\u2019s been 20 years since I lost my mom, and I still miss her so much!\\u2019 I was like What?! I can\\u2019t feel like this for 20 years!\\xa0

But now, four years in, I realize what they mean. It\\u2019s still early days for me, but I can see how you can miss someone forever but still be able to manage life even as you manage loss.\\xa0

If you do not or did not get along with your mother, if she did not care for you like a mother should, or the way you needed her to, I believe you can feel anchorless as well. I believe it is definitely a type of loss. And I\\u2019m sorry for your loss. I hope and pray for you, a peace that passes all understanding as you continue on your life\\u2019s journey.

Is there a convergence at a certain point in life as we continue on our childless not by choice journey, where the two types of grief: the loss of a mother and childlessness, converge?

I think maybe yes. For me, off and on I\\u2019ve felt a little off-kilter because there is no one to look back to for guidance, comfort, or commiseration, which is what I got from my mom. And no one to look forward to, in a child, to see what\\u2019s going on in the next generation. The only real connection I have to the next generation would be the young people in my life, mainly my nephews. I get a little snippet of what the next generation is dealing with, managing, and experiencing, by watching little snippets of their lives.

I\\u2019m a little out of touch with the current music and other trends because, I believe, I don\\u2019t have kids. Although honestly, I don\\u2019t think anything beats 80\\u2019s music!\\xa0

If you have younger nieces and nephews whose lives you are allowed/able to be a part of, create a relationship with them. It\\u2019s easier when they are younger of course, but no matter when it is, start if you haven\'t already, make a genuine attempt.\\xa0 Even if it\\u2019s a card every once in a while, a gift card to their favorite place on their birthday, going to a game when you can, you know. Something that shows them you care. You can do all of that without being pushy. Let me know how it works, or if you need any tips. I am so honored to be a part of my nephew\'s lives. I hope you can have the same or similar experiences.

Well,\\xa0 before I leave you, let me give you some reminders:

1. Mother\\u2019s Day is a day of recognition.\\xa0 There are many fabulous moms, step-moms, foster moms, grandmothers who are taking the place of moms, aunt-moms, you name it, there are some fabulous women out there doing fabulous things to raise fabulous kids, which in turn keeps society together. Because without them, there would be societal mayhem. If you think things are bad now\\u2026if you are one of these people I just listed, thank you!

2. If you are childless not by choice, remember that you are worthy. We are worthy. With or without the recognition on Mother\\u2019s Day, we are worthy! If we are alive we have a role to play in this world. Never let anyone allow you to feel less than.

3. Practice mental health. If it means staying off of social media, do that. If it means skipping a \\u2018Mother\\u2019s Day luncheon\\u2019, skip it. If you recall from earlier episodes, I had stopped going to church on Mother\\u2019s Day after my mom passed. I only went to honor her. If there was a luncheon, I went to honor her. Now that she\\u2019s gone, I skip church on Mother\\u2019s Day. Practice mental health. Whatever that is for you. And don\\u2019t let anyone try to guilt you into doing anything you prefer not to do.

4. Create and maintain those firm but kind boundaries I talk about all the time, so that number three becomes easier to do. It will, I promise.\\xa0

Do you recall from episode 150 where I mentioned that most childless not by choice listeners probably have had or will have some type of surgery? Well, I asked the question in the Childless not by Choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook page, and I got a number of responses! \\xa0 Feel free to email me at civilla@civillamorgan.com Messenger me on Facebook or Instagram, and let me know. I will keep the poll open for a while longer, and share the statistics on a later episode. You all know I love statistics!

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#youdonthaveto\\xa0

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Special thank you to:

\\u2018Mareshah Miller, for this quote: \\u2018Mothers in disguise are called aunts.\\u2019\\xa0

My contact information:

Website: www.childlessnotbychoice.net and www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
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If you would like to become a one-time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.\\xa0

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Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It\\u2019s that easy!\\xa0

Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!

\\u2018To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.\\u2019

\\u2018Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life\\u2019.

Survey:

https://bit.ly/2TSMuDV

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