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Hello, and welcome to episode 148 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world, reminding you, us, that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.\\xa0\\xa0

Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!\\xa0\\xa0

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What is today\\u2019s show about?

Beg, Plead, Bargain, Repeat!

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Thank you Patreon contributors:

I would like to take a moment to thank the people who make a financial contribution to the platform on a monthly basis, my Patreon Contributors.\\xa0

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Your contributions help pay my podcast producer, my podcast host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, etc. So thank you very much!\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0

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If you are not yet a Patron, visit patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice to set up your monthly contribution. No matter your giving level, I have a gift for you!\\xa0\\xa0

If you prefer to give via PayPal, you can find me there at booksbycivillamorgan@gmail.com.\\xa0

Your contributions to the platform are greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

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Questions or comments? Contact me at:

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Email: Info@civillamorgan.com

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Visit the website at www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen, and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.

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Body of episode:

I begged, plead, and bargained with God for a family. I wanted at least one kid, a boy. It was always a boy. I even had a name picked out.

You know, it is important not to tell people your business. It was so long ago so I don\\u2019t know\\xa0 I don\\u2019t know why I mentioned the name out loud, but one day I did.\\xa0

The first time I heard the name I felt an instant connection. I started researching the meaning, the definition and found it quite fitting for all I had been going through. The tons of fibroids, all of the myomectomies, the crying myself to sleep. The name reaps up painful memories of a challenging part of my journey.\\xa0

Someone named one of her children that very name. It broke my heart. Honestly, I kinda felt somewhere deep down at that time, that I would not be having a child. But there was still a tiny window of hope. If that makes sense.\\xa0\\xa0

I worked at a certain company years ago where I recall all the young moms planning day trips to child-friendly locales. I wasn\\u2019t jealous, I thought it was beautiful. It was their way of getting their little people out of the house and getting themselves out of the house as well. All of these young women got along, so they wanted their kids to get along. Nothing wrong with that. But of course, I remained silent. I had nothing to contribute, even to say what a beautiful idea, could possibly make me a target.\\xa0

I remained stoic, staring at my computer, as they all buzzed around me making their plans.

I know some of you are in that part of the journey right now. And all I can tell you, as trite as it may sound, \\u2018this too shall pass\\u2019. It really will. And the other thing I will tell you is don\\u2019t pretend. Yes, it\\u2019s OK to smile through your day if that\\u2019s what you do, but please go to therapy.\\xa0

At that point in my life, I had not gone to therapy yet. In fact, it was just before I went. Please go to therapy. Do nice things for yourself as often as you can during this time. Go to the beach, go to your favorite coffee shop, your favorite museum, or whatever makes you happy. And tell yourself every day, that you are worthy. You are not a second-class citizen. You are here for a reason. Remind yourself of all the good things about you, and work on whatever you need to work on to make yourself an even better human. That\\u2019s for you to know and to work on.\\xa0

I am no longer dealing with children issues, I guess it\\u2019s grandchildren issues now. I mean it is never going to end, so the best thing we can do for ourselves is to belong to Community, the childless not by choice community. It has grown so much over the last few years. There is a place for you no matter where in the world you are.\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0

You know, as I recall the times of crying myself to sleep, as I listened to my biological clock tick, tick, tick.\\xa0 Begging God to answer my prayers, as things got progressively worse. And then the time came for me to have a hysterectomy. No answer. No response. Those are times that I look back on with a modicum of pain, but I am still here, so I believe my life events have strengthened me. In fact, empowered me. I know the same can be for you. Just hang in there no matter where in the journey you are.\\xa0

That boy\\u2019s name. I won\\u2019t mention it. Maybe one day I will. But not today. It is a powerful name. You may try to figure it out. Be my guest. Hint: It\\u2019s not a person\\u2019s name, but it could be.\\xa0

You know, I can say that my childless not by choice experience is based on this name. I got nothing out of my life that I expected or wanted. The life I wanted, expected, was somehow sacrificed. Yes, the name is very fitting.\\xa0

I had to make the decision to push through. To not be bitter. To decide not to be bitter. It is an actual choice, a decision. It doesn\\u2019t just happen.\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0

If you don\\u2019t make the decision, the results of life will make the decisions for you. And life\\u2019s choices, and decisions, are not usually good. We have to literally wash the lemons, cut them up, squeeze them into cold water, with some vanilla or lemon essence, and some sugar. YOu have to literally make the lemonade. Make the best of the life you have been given.\\xa0\\xa0

Before I let you go, I want to read this poem to you. I was searching for a notebook to take notes for a course I am taking. Knowing me I figured I had to have an unused notebook somewhere. I happily found the notebook I needed, and there was a folded piece of paper sticking out. It\\u2019s dated June of 2004.\\xa0\\xa0

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Research links:

2004 poem I wrote and just found on the back of a notebook on Sunday, January 15, 2023:

I don\\u2019t care how light or dark my baby is, I just want a baby.

I just want him to be healthy.

\\u2018Ten fingers, ten toes, two feet, two hands, and a nose!

Two eyes, two ears; if it\'s a girl, enough hair for her bows.

Dimples on her cheeks like grandma, or a dimple in the chin like me and grandpa.

Kicking around when she has a pamper change, rolling over which starts her independence stage.

A girly girl, or a boy full of energy; either one, it does not matter to me.

I\\u2019ll take one of each at the same time, that would be a sight to see.

Everyone loves twins you see, especially me!

\\u2013Civilla (June 2004).\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0\\xa0

Episode quotes:

\\u2018Do the best you can with what\\u2019s left of your heart.\\u2019-Civilla

\'The journey does not end, the terrain changes.\'-Civilla\\xa0

Articles/links of interest:

https://www.yicaiglobal.com/news/one-tenth-of-chinese-women-are-childless-up-from-6-cpdrc-says

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https://people.com/parents/chelsea-handler-explains-why-she-doesnt-want-kids/#:~:text=Chelsea%20Handler%20is%20ruling%20out,see%20children%20in%20her%20future.

My contact information:

Website: www.childlessnotbychoice.net and www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice