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I had a suicidal day about 6 years ago...
\nYes. That\u2019s after I started Sensophy (a life-coaching company). And no, the irony doesn\u2019t escape me.
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\nI couldn\u2019t explain this at the time. But in hindsight, I was having a panic attack trying to grapple with massive amounts of uncertainty about my future\u2026 and even more scary, about who I was.
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\nIt took me 10 years to learn this excruciating lesson that I\u2019m about to share with you. But first, let\u2019s rewind for some real-talk about how this all started.
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\nGrowing up, I had this big shame that I wasn\u2019t man enough. And it came from everywhere. Society. Hip-Hop. Even my pops. So I was always afraid about being seen as feminine...
\nBut as as a teenager, I didn\u2019t understand the difference between being feminine and being gay.
\nSeemed like the same thing to me. And so I would obsess over this question of \u201cAm I gay? Am I gay? Am I gay?\u201d
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\nAs a scared little boy trying to validate his manhood, I did everything I could to prove I wasn\u2019t gay.
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\nAnd as I grew up into my 20s, that scared \u201cLittle Jacob\u201d was still inside of me\u2026 trying to prove his hetrosexuality by doing manly-man things like kick-boxing, racing his motorcycle through rush-hour NYC traffic, and sleeping with as many women as he could.  
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\nBut no matter how many notches I got under my belt\u2026 every so often there would still be this voice that came into my mind and said\u2026 \u201cBut you\u2019re gay, though. Stop pretending.\u201d
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\nThis wasn\u2019t the voice of wisdom, intuition, or truth. It was the voice of fear. The voice of shame. The voice of \u201cnot-enoughness\u201d. And I tried everything I could think of to make my mind shut the fuck up already.
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\nWhen the external action didn\u2019t work (kick-boxing, motorcycling, sexing), I tried to cover it up internally with standard personal-development stuff\u2026 affirmations... meditations\u2026 mantras.
\nBut there was no amount of \u201cself-improvement\u201d that could make up for a lack of \u201cself-acceptance\u201d.
\nAnd while on my blog I was preaching about \u201cknowledge-of-self\u201d being the gateway to happiness... I still didn\u2019t know (with 100% certainty) that I wasn\u2019t gay.
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\nIt was bad. Really bad. So bad, that I considered taking my own life one day. So I pulled out a journal and listed all of the reasons not to.
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\nThe only reasons I came up with were people\u2019s name that I cared about. But even then, I was so ashamed of what these people would think of me.
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\nAt this point, the voice in my head was pounding so loudly that I could barely hear my own thoughts. I finally decided... \u201cOkay. Fine. If I\u2019m gay, let me be gay.\u201d  I thought that\u2019d be enough to quiet my unrelenting mind that just wouldn\u2019t stop yelling at me.
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\nBut. even. after. facing. my. worst. fear. and. leaning. into. it\u2026
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\nThe questioning still didn\u2019t stop!
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\nAnd THAT's when I learned one of the hardest lessons ever...
\nIt wasn\u2019t about making peace with being gay or not\u2026 It was about making peace with the fact that I\u2019ll never know.
\nWhen I came to accept the idea of \u201cI will never know\u201d, THAT\u2019S when I found peace.