BROADCASTS.com

Why Saying \u201cI Can\u2019t\u201d or \u201cNo\u201d Won\u2019t Help Change Your Behaviour

Some time ago I was following up with a coaching client about his challenge of saying \u201cYes\u201d to too many opportunities. He was getting bogged down in commitments which were distracting from what was most important in his life and career. He felt very uncomfortable saying "no" to someone who asked for his help or advice \u2013 which on the one hand is a compliment \u2013 but on the other hand, he needed to say \u201cyes\u201d to his own needs, before anyone else.

I\u2019ve spoken about this before in the episode, Saying Yes to Everything Will Get You Nothing You Want \u2013 LOP068. I wrote,

Say YES to get your own needs met first. Say YES to what you love about yourself that makes you feel that you are enough. Find ways to say YES to yourself first, when others are used to you saying YES to what they want.

My client and I discussed how to deal with the short term discomfort of saying \u201cno\u201d, versus the long-term regret of saying \u201cyes\u201d to an opportunity or a request for help. It can feel easier and less emotional to say \u201cyes\u201d to someone; they won\u2019t feel bad, upset, or disappointed \u2013 if that even bothers them at all. But if you commit to something you don\u2019t want to do or don\u2019t have enough time to do well, you will feel the pain of regret; of having not been able to bear the discomfort of saying, \u201cno\u201d.

Shortly after our exchange, I read a helpful article on the more successful outcome of saying, \u201cI don\u2019t\u201d versus \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d or \u201cNo\u201d. In The Simple Neuroscience Of Saying No, Dax Moy explains why saying, \u201cI don\u2019t\u201d is more powerful in the mind.

\u201cI don\u2019t\u201d is a form of self-definition.

Saying, \u201cNo\u201d is the other side of saying, \u201cyes\u201d and saying, \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d potentiates self-judgement, weakness, limitation, and denial of something you still believe you want.

While this article is written about the choices you make for yourself, we can expand the use of, \u201cI don\u2019t\u201d into social, academic, or work environments when you face the immediate pressure of someone asking you directly for your help or involvement.

In my client\u2019s case, I suggested what we have previously discussed: know your schedule, your current commitments, and what matters most to you. With that knowledge, practice knowing and feeling what you \u201cdon\u2019t do\u201d or \u201cdon\u2019t have time for\u201d.

A mentioned in Moy\u2019s article, simple is best. No detailed explanations are required. For example, \u201cHey Randal, I think you\u2019d be a valuable addition to our board of directors. We just lost a member and we all want you to take her seat.\u201d To which you could respond, \u201cThanks for thinking of me. I don\u2019t have the time to help this year.\u201d Then change the subject, perhaps asking about their next project or something that immediately deflects into another discussion.

To what have you been saying, "I can't" in your life? How different would that feel for you to instead declare what you \u201cdon\u2019t\u201d do?

Image credit: "Don't" by Paul Sableman

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.