TU81: How Good Boundaries Actually Bring Us Closer, with Guest Juliane Taylor Shore

Published: Oct. 17, 2018, 4:29 a.m.

Interpersonal co-regulation requires boundary setting.\xa0 Most of us haven\u2019t been lucky enough to learn to be good at boundary setting naturally, by good examples, so we have to literally be taught how to do this important skill.\xa0 Well today we are in luck!\xa0 Jello will be your friend.\xa0 \U0001f642\nTherapist Uncensored\xa0co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott join the founder of\xa0IPNB Psychotherapy of Austin, Dr. Juliane Taylor Shore, in a discussion on interpersonal neurobiology and how it relates to boundaries.\xa0We\u2019ll explore the three types of boundaries, how to co-create boundaries and how to stay regulated using internal mechanisms. After this podcast, you may very well be on your way towards building your own \u201cJello\xa0wall\u201d and better co-regulating yourself when you\u2019re overwhelmed!\xa0\n0:00-25:00\xa0\nSome background on Juliane Taylor Shore:\xa0Founder of IPNB\xa0Psychotherapy of Austin\xa0with interests in interpersonal neurobiology, neuroscience, philosophy, biology and physics.\xa0\nHow are boundaries defined and what sort of connotations come with boundaries? How can the connection between boundaries and interpersonal neurobiology actually bring people closer?\xa0\xa0\nThe Three Types\xa0of\xa0 Boundaries\xa0\nExternal, Behavioral\xa0Boundary:\xa0\u201cI don\u2019t want to talk to you when you raise your voice at me.\u201d Or \u201cI\u2019d love to see you but I can\u2019t right now.\u201d\xa0 The concept of having to say \u201cno\u201d.\xa0\nPsychological Boundary:\xa0separation between people, difference between true self and parts of self\xa0(\u201cair\u201d between people, your truth and my truth are allowed to be different)\xa0\u201cJello\xa0Wall\u201d\xa0\nContaining\xa0Boundary:\xa0(individually deeming what\u2019s okay leading up to healthy shame)\xa0Boundary that stops you from acting out.\xa0\nCo-creating boundaries\xa0between two people is a great way to\xa0negotiate disagreements\xa0and find a middle ground.\xa0\n\u201cFucked up people will try to tell you otherwise, but boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not punishments, judgments or betrayals. They\u2019re a purely peaceable thing. The basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and they teach you how to respect yourself.\u201d \u2013 Cheryl Strayed (Author of\xa0Wild:\xa0From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail)\xa0\n\xa0\u201cJello\xa0wall\u201d:\xa0Stop and slow down all the input coming towards you so you can ask, \u201cIs this true or not true?\u201d and \u201cIf it is, is this about me or not about me?\u201d\xa0This allows you to view the world around you without getting hurt.\xa0Allows you space to reflect and be in your own system.\xa0\nThe differences between the\xa0logical\xa0left brain\xa0and\xa0abstract\xa0right brain\xa0influence\xa0how they connect neural networks.\xa0Healthy\xa0shame is important to not beat one\u2019s self up over establishing boundaries.\xa0\nUsing young ones and\xa0animals\xa0to teach\xa0your inner protector parts to have a\xa0better\xa0containing boundary,\xa0relieving trauma by talking to your young self\xa0(you at four, sixteen, etc.)\xa0rather than beating your present\xa0self up.\xa0\n25:00-50:00\xa0\nExploring the connection between attachment and interpersonal neurobiology.\xa0\nThe anticipation of threat before setting a boundary and\xa0connecting to something after getting overwhelmed so that it\u2019s part of your life narrative and not something that keeps popping up.\xa0\nThe individual nervous system isn\u2019t meant to survive being alone after trauma but we need co-regulatory nervous systems AND you can be your own co-regulatory system.\xa0\nYou can start by building up your relationship with yourself and learning to trust\xa0your internal voices, neural networks or other people.\xa0\nExamples working through the three types of boundaries; Co-creating a boundary with a spouse over lack of communication. Turning down a panicked client when you\u2019re totally booked.\xa0Having uncomfortable physical contact\xa0with an older family member when saying good...