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It\u2019s Just Not Fair
This week a listener writes in with the following story and question. She writes:

\u201cMy story is my soon to be ex-husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for a little under 7 when he told me he, \u201cI thought you were what I wanted but you are not.\u201d I found out shortly after he was having an affair with a co-worker and they had a child together\u2026

I am 2 years into the divorce process and I am working through all the pain of this and sometimes feel and think, where is the justice? How do people do things like this with no consequence? More importantly, I want to let go of all my feelings of this loss and move on. Every now and then the thoughts surface and I am hurt and angry and crave justice for this wrong.

Can you offer advice on how I get past this need for justice and fairness? I am trying so hard to heal, I want it so badly. I don\u2019t like these overwhelming emotions coming and crying like it\u2019s new.\u201d

Life is not fair. That\u2019s a phrase my children wish they would never hear again. Whenever my kids start to complain about perceived unequal treatment that was/is my standard reply.

So my initial response to you is \u201cLife\u2019s not fair.\u201d But that\u2019s not a very constructive answer and doesn\u2019t give you any tools you can use to cope with your feelings, so let\u2019s back up and start over.

In last week\u2019s podcast I discussed the pain of being surprised by the divorce and how it can seem that the party wanting out is cold and uncaring. It sounds like you were surprised and it\u2019s taking you awhile to work through the healing process.

Two years after a divorce from a 16 year relationship it is normal for you to still be ambushed by emotions. It will likely take you 4-5 years to get to the point where you can say you are healed.

It\u2019s only normal to view your situation as unfair, because it is. It\u2019s not fair that you invested 16 years of your life in a relationship that your husband threw away. It\u2019s not fair that your children don\u2019t have a father around full-time. It\u2019s not fair that your ex is in a new relationship and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Let\u2019s take a deeper look at your ex\u2019s situation. He has to live with the knowledge that he walked out on his family. He\u2019s in a relationship that started as an illicit affair. He is trying to support a new family as well as paying child support (I assume.)

So he is coming out of this with no consequences. I can\u2019t imagine how trust could develop in a relationship that started as an affair. You know your partner was capable of cheating so it will only be a matter of time until they get bored and cheat again.

Every week he has to see a portion of his paycheck go to support the family he abandoned. The regret must be horrendous.

You may think he doesn\u2019t have consequences, but I assure you he does.

You, on the other hand, can be free in the knowledge that this wasn\u2019t your fault. Sure you weren\u2019t the perfect spouse, no one is. But you didn\u2019t cheat.

You now have the opportunity to learn from this situation. You can become the best you possible, and when the time is right you can have a new relationship that\u2019s everything you\u2019ve ever wanted.

As foreign as the concept may seem, the best thing you can do is forgive your ex: This was one of the biggest steps in my own journey towards healing. Forgiving him doesn\u2019t mean that what he did was OK, it simply means that you are not going to let his past actions control you anymore. You are placing him in God\u2019s hands.

\u201cThe Lord is slow to anger but great in power; the Lord will not leave the guilty unpunished.\u201d \u2013 Nahum 1:3

But, \u201cWhoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.\u201d \u2013 Proverbs 28:13

When you forgive your ex, you are letting God deal with him however He sees fit.

You are then free to claim the promise of Joel 2:24-26.

\u201cThe threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil.