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Today, I have a guest that I’ve been anticipating for some time now. She is the mother of four girls and a grandmother, an entrepreneur, and a nurse. I welcome Nicole Hackworth to my show. Nicole was the abuser in a relationship, and today we speak with Nicole and her husband about their relationship.

Listen in to learn how Nicole has locked out many of her memories of abuse, the perspective of an abuser, and the point at which Nicole noticed she was abusing her children and her husband. Learn why she reached out for help, how Nicole internalized much of her abuse, and how her self-confidence was affected by her abuse.

An Abuser with a History of Abuse

“It was around the age of 11 I was sexually abused by a male member of our family. When he passed, I told my mother what happened and didn’t want to go to his funeral.” She was 19, and her mother wanted to know why she didn’t tell her sooner. “I was scared, and I didn’t feel that I wouldn’t be believed and didn’t want this person to get in trouble.” As an adult, she wishes she would have reached out to someone sooner so that she could have prevented further abuse by the family member.

The Moment Nicole Realized she Was Abusing Her Children

“I was like, wow, I see that in myself. I’m not OK. I’m hurting my kids, I’m hurting my husband.” In the back of her mind, she would attempt to mentally tear down her children and her husband. After the fact, Nicole would reflect on what she did, “I think I hurt them pretty bad. But I was still in denial. It came to the point that I hated myself.”

She went into a panic attack when she realized what she was doing to her family in 2018. Since then, Nicole has chosen to go to therapy and has been consistently going for help and support from her counselor. When Nicole sought help, she was afraid her family would reject her. Not only did her family not reject her, but they are also supporting her in her efforts to become new again.

How Sexual Abuse has Affected her Intimate Relationship with Her Husband

From her past abuse, Nicole had a hot temper and was physically and emotionally abusive. One night, when making dinner, Nicole grabbed a fork and stabbed her husband in the arm. “There have been other times where I’ve slapped him. I’ve done many things, and I hope that I never, ever get to the point where I feel like I have to put my hands on somebody again.”

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