Escaping External Validation Traps
Starting this podcast was the beginning of my venture into the online space. When I decided to “put myself out there” I didn’t really have a master plan. Over the last year and a half, I’ve created a sizable amount of content — here on the podcast and on the blog. I decided to hire a visibility strategist to give me some guidance.
My goal was to be more visible. I’m creating all these great things, so how can I invite more eyeballs (and ears) to see and hear what I’ve put out there.
At my meeting with the strategist, we looked at my follower and engagement numbers compared to those of my “competitors.”
And my numbers didn’t look so great.
“Hey, I’m a winner at zeros,” I joked.
Even though I was joking, looking at those zeros hurt. I felt shame and thoughts of “not good enough” creeping in. “Who am I to be doing this work?”
Here’s what was really at the root of this reaction — I was seeking external validation.
When I’m in my genius zone creating content or working with clients and students, I’m great. I feel congruent and completely in my element. But this online space still feels new to me and so uncertain. Self-doubt creeps in. “How will I be received?”
As I’ve been talking with clients and students, the same external validation trap has been an issue for them too. Why do I call it a “trap”? Because it is! We do things that may or may not feel good to us to try to get someone else to notice and validate our efforts, give us a pat on the back, or tell us to “keep up the good work.”
But other people have their lives to live, their issues, and they may also be chasing validation from others.
So we increase our efforts. And we try to be amazing at everything we do. And we do more and more, and push and push.
And it’s exhausting.
And for what? What are we doing this all for? So someone will notice? So someone else will tell us we’re good enough? Or that we’re worth it?
No matter what others say or do (or if they notice at all), it will never be enough. It’s a never ending cycle. When we’re in that needy, craving state of mind, no amount of praise will be sufficient. We’ll always be efforting, seeking validation — and we’ll stay in that exhausted state of feeling unappreciated.
There is a better way. In short, it’s validating yourself. Also:
- Deciding your worthiness is an inside job.
You don’t have to feel worthy yet. Just recognize the goodness within and that your sense of worthiness is up to you.
- Practicing self-acceptance.
Accept who you are right now — every part. And recognize your higher consciousness is part of something much bigger.
- Practicing self-compassion.
Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can with what you have. So treat yourself like a good friend — with love, patience, and kindness.
- Committing to doing whatever you do for you.
This is how you can discover your strengths, passions, and purpose.
- Appreciating your effort and celebrating your progress.
Don’t expect anyone else to be proud of you. You be proud of yourself and celebrate your journey.
These steps are simple, and not always easy. Be consistent with them, and you’ll reap big rewards. When you can rest in your own goodness and stop seeking outside validation, you’ll become highly magnetic. Why? Because you’ll no longer be needy but aligned with the beautiful you that you are.
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Links from today’s episode:
- Episode 75 — We talked about going all-in on you, even though it’s not all for you.
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