104: Smile Sugartits, Its just a figure of speech
‘Don’t stop singing…’ she pauses to read my nametag. Its being blocked by tiny a ninja voodoo doll, I’m your daddy baby, I’ll watch over you as you watch over me. ‘Baby Sabia?’
‘Mmm, you are a wise one. You can read. Don’t be fool, write only what you want to believe.’ I look at her dark blue scrubs; she’s got a pocket full of pens. ‘Sweetheart, look’ I point at her chest ‘you’ve got everything you could ever need. Don’t be scared. Rewrite this entire story instead. You have my word; it will be all you say it must. If you must, write me. Write my sneakers walking all the way home, right up to your baby blue toes. Write memory. Remember my love. You and I, we’ve been fucking around town for years waiting on your stupid ass to catch up.’
She scrunches her eyebrows; she doesn’t have a clue why I’m talking love at her. She’s just a girl in the hall at my hospital. She just checks IDs and asks for symptoms and gives out masks. She’s just learning: baby steps. I can see her try to chase my insanity. ‘Listen kid, I was just trying to tell you that I love that voice of yours. You walk up and down these halls something like 45 times a day. You’re never not singing, Erykah Badu and Alice Phoebe Lou! The world is coming to end! Everybody is coming out of their fake skin, and they’re just as ugly as I knew they’d be! Dirt between the toes of the chosen ones, the ones that died a long time ago, the ones without homes; the ones eating the shit in your trash. The dancers. The singers. The fucking kids! Oh baby, look at them come up! But its still shit. Its all shit. I can’t figure it out, you’ve got to tell me, how are you so damn happy?’
‘Its easy. I only let the kids sing to me. The rest I tell to shove a few fingers up their own tight ass and keep marching on. I see P in every single one. So I can’t stop loving the fuck out of strangeness, familiarity, little shits, assholes; she is everywhere! I am in heaven. Then I get cranky, it’s a long bus ride home after a long day of seeing past shit I cant afford to see. I don’t wear glasses anymore. I see everything I need to see. I see everything standing before me perfectly. I don’t need anything out of reach. I don’t want her if she doesn’t want me. I only want her fucking me. I only want it in the ass. I only want to ask, why don’t we just fuck and eat of the earth and drink tea and nothing else? Wouldn’t that be the fucking revolution!’ I steal a squirt of sanitizer and keep bouncing down the hall. I get home at midnight. I walk in the canyon until the sun comes back. I fall asleep. I dream that I was learning everything.
‘Then what happened?’ Asks P rolling over and rubbing her puffy eyes.
‘Then you’re love came and took it from me.’
‘You! Ahhh, you are such a baby! Stop fussing Sage. You fuss too much; just fuck me, I’m leaving soon.’
‘Sorry Charlie’ I grab her little waist and flip her over ‘you aint going anywhere, do you have any idea how long I wait for hope to show its might and turn my dreams into visions, turn my words into the present moment. I sit at the edge of my mattress and pull the blinds up. I take off my shirt and watch a couple hundred people walk by. I watch the sun. I wait. I sun bath on my yoga mat. Theirs a bullet hole on the glass. I’m trying to remember where it came from. I open the windows. I sing at the top of my lungs. I dance. I let anyone look in. I whisper through the glass, ‘I can teach you.’ I laugh demonically ‘Aren’t you just the tiniest bit curious?’ I sit on the floor. I start writing. I keep watching. I don’t take my eyes off the memory of you rolling over baby purple sheets, I don’t take my heart away from the stillness she craves; I let her wait. I tuck her in my pocket gently and let her dance around with my keys a library card and 37 one-dollar bills. I had 90, but I bought a towel that says, don’t worry dishes, nobodies doing me either. It made me giggle. Now I’m broke and your street has been taped off and you’re not fucking me and I have idea where to run. So I stop thinking. I lace up and step into the weight of this single second. I tick my chin and jump on a rock. I look left. I look right. I bow. I worship her might. She acknowledges my bratty plea for recognition. She knows; I’ve got jealous tendencies. I only want her light on me! Pay attention! Look at me dancing like a goofball in this open field. I’m so fucking cute! Love me! Only me! She slaps me and pulls my feet over the bridge. I steal my way down the backside of Balboa Park. I’m intoxicated by the smell of this earth without the musk of bodies. Green! Yellow pedals! Dark red dripping down the desert sands. She’s mine. She’s all mine! I scream. ‘I fucking adore you Daisy Jade!’ Everyone looks, no on says a thing. Lips try to act disgusted, but they’re dismayed by their own attempt at public humiliation, I can’t see a thing through their stupid smiling facemask. Tough luck little tit, should’ve tried to cover your face with something that matched the shit inside. Shoulda coulda woulda. Now the child inside is climbing out without permission, and she’s through with your stupid ass, he’s on his way out the door without your decaying boney baby body.’
‘My name is not Charlie.’
‘It’s a figure of speech, sugar tits.’
‘You have no idea what I taste like.’
‘It’s a nickname Baby. It’s Sabia now. But you, you’ll always be P.
‘Will you ever stop waiting Sage?’
‘Never ever babygirl; I know who I belong to. I know the way it will be. I know everything. Go ahead my love; ask me what I think I believe? I need to see you riddling the answer. You’ll never guess the ending. You’ll never guess the color I chose to be.’
‘You’re riddles are fucking with my head. I want my spirit back! I want to run away! I want to start the fucking revolution with you Baby! For fuck’s sake, come home! I need to been seen by you for the story to began again. Where did the trail end?’
‘City College, AH building, I ran up the side door staircase a few dozen times. Then I wept for hours. Then I went to class. Then you sat by my side. Then I waited. I was on the stairs for the very first time. I was so tiny back then. You came out after me, leaned your bike against the rail and said if I ever tried to give you a croissant again, it’d be the last thing I ever gave away. Your eyes! They held every soul, dead and alive. You are everywhere! Get away from me! Stop moving my gorgeous thighs for your pleasure. Stop dismissing your own desire. Get back on the train and go home. Don’t move! Don’t go back in that stupid classroom! Don’t do anything. Stand completely still until this day ends.’
I stand. I watch the moon rise. She steps behind and breathes on my neck.
‘Sit.’ I sit. She sits on the stair above me and wraps her little legs around my ribcage, puts all ten fingers around my pale throat and squeezes. I stop breathing. She releases, but only the slightest bit. I breathe again. But this time its different. This time I breath in every living thing. Nothing separates. In one moment, I breathe in nothing and exhale all that shares this breath with me. I inhale her; I become the skin I ache for. I become the stoic boy by her side again. I close my eyes. Poof! Just like magic a girl’s lips on a boy’s neck saved the world, by memory and breath.
I stand.
I start walking off the train.
‘This is my stop, my love.
My love is yours to hold.
I won’t turn around.
I don’t need to see.
I don’t need to weep.
I just want to.
I don’t have to wait.
I just want you.
I don’t want anything else.
Open your eyes.
My sweet girl, it’s today.
It’s time to open your heart.
It’s time to sing your soul.
Its time!
Wake up buttercup.
I’m tired.
It’s my turn to sleep.
It’s my turn to set you free.
So it is written.
So it’ll be.