Foster Children And Problems Getting Along With Others
Your foster child's fit with you is not the only relationship she has that needs your help. She has relationships with other people in your family and with children and adults at school. She needs to get along with people in your neighborhood and in your community. Being able to get along with people may have more to do with her future success than anything else. Here is the key. Because of abuse, neglect, or other bad life-experiences, foster children often have problems getting along with people. Maybe this comes up every day and maybe only once in a while. However often your foster child has problems, she needs your help. Here are some signs of foster children having trouble getting along. Your concern and help with these problems are a start to a better life for them. 1. They pout and are hard to live with. All children have some way of handling it when they don't get their way. They have their own ways of reacting when things do not work out as they want. They have ways of dealing with a world they think is sometimes unfair. Two of their choices are temper tantrums and pouting. Most children use one or the other of these once in a while. If you watch your foster child for a while, you likely will see that she uses one more than the other. Just to be fair, answer this question. When you get angry or frustrated, are you more likely to pout or have a little temper tantrum? Now, if you had lived your foster child's life, would you feel angry and frustrated? If so, would you be more likely to pout about it or have a temper tantrum once in a while? Take a minute to think about a foster child who neither pouts nor has temper tantrums. This can be much worse than either pouting or temper tantrums. Why? Because it often means the child is just accepting whatever happens. Even worse, she has gotten to where she no longer has any feelings about what happens to her. She does not care or thinks what she feels does not matter. This is a very bad sign. What is your foster child doing when she pouts? She is angry, frustrated, or upset about something. She mainly feels angry. She does not talk about it or try to work out her problem. Instead, she pouts and makes it rough for other people. What can you do? Think about what upset her. Maybe what happened was unfair or she really was treated badly. Either way, pouting about it is a problem. Say, "I have thought about what happened. We can talk about it if you want to. Here is my problem right now. You have a right to feel how you feel but pouting about it is not your best choice. I think it would be better if you either got up and over it or at least talked about it. It is your choice. Here is what I am going to do. I am going to do nothing unless you choose to talk with me about it. You can pout or talk. It's your choice. If you choose to pout, please do it in your room." Now leave it alone. Her only choice is to behave more appropriately or be by herself. 2. They are hateful and in a bad mood. Everyone gets in a bad mood sometimes. Even so, it is not okay to take it out on everyone around. Instead, it is a good time to get better at managing thoughts, feelings, and relationships. Managing feelings and relationships takes skills children mostly learn by example. Your foster child likely had bad examples set for him. Also, he can bottle-up his anger about what happened to him. It then can easily come spilling out. It may not take much to set him off. The point is this. Your foster child may have more than a little reason to be in a bad mood and hateful. He needs extra tolerance and patience. More than the usual amount of sensitivity and understanding from you are in order for him. Here is something that usually helps. Leave his bad mood alone at first. Offer to talk with him about his bad feelings. But don't make a big deal out of cheering him up. He will be happier when he is happier. Deal only with his hatefulness. It usually comes off as cutting remarks,