Your Iconic Image : How To Become Superbold
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Fred Joyal
The Fred Joyal Company
Fred Joyal is an entrepreneur, speaker, business advisor, and #1 Amazon Bestselling author. He co-founded the most successful dentist referral service in the country, 1-800-DENTIST, which, in his 30 years as CEO, generated over $1 billion in revenue. Along with this achievement, he has also been awarded the Conrad Hilton Distinguished Entrepreneur Award by Loyola Marymount University. He has written two bestselling books for his industry, and also written and appeared in over 200 television and radio commercials.
Fred Joyal is an author, speaker, entrepreneur, and business advisor. He co-founded the most successful dentist referral service in the country, 1-800-DENTIST. He has previously written two books on marketing, has dabbled in standup and improv comedy, acted in bad movies and excellent TV commercials. His latest book, Superbold: from Under-confident to Charismatic in 90 days, is an Amazon and Wall Street Journal bestseller. He once beat Sir Richard Branson in chess and was also a question on Jeopardy. He is an avid cyclist, a below-average tennis player and an even worse golfer. He lives in Los Angeles.\\xa0
www.marlanasemenza.com
Audio : Ariza Music Productions
Marlana
Fred Joyal is an author, speaker, entrepreneur, business advisor and co-founder one 800 dentist. He\'s previously written two books on marketing dabbled in some stand up and improv comedy acted in bed movies and excellent TV commercials once beat Sir Richard Branson and chess and was a question on Jeopardy. He\'s an avid cyclist, a below average tennis player and an even worse golfer. But today, despite all of that material, we are actually going to talk about the subject of his latest book, which is Super Bold, From Under Confident Charismatic in 90 Days. Welcome, Fred.
Fred
Thank you very much, Marlana. I\'m very excited to be here and talk to your audience.
Marlana
So, tell us first, what exactly does super bold mean?
Fred
Super Bowl means that it\'s bold. And I always have to remind people it\'s bold, not super ball, it\'s not a book about football. And, but when you are super bold, you can bring your full confidence into action in every situation, especially when it really matters, when it\'s critical, when it\'s important, when it\'s pivotal in your life. And that takes building your boldness muscle that nobody\'s born with this, some people are bolder, a little bit by nature and a little bit by nurture, and most of us are confident in some situations and hesitant and shy in other situations very often when they\'re really important. So, the goal is to develop this ability to summon your boldness in every situation. And so, that\'s what I teach in the book because that\'s what I had to teach myself.
Marlana
So, let me ask you this for somebody who would not consider herself to be a bold person, is that something that all of us can learn? Because what if we feel we just don\'t have it in us?
Fred
Well, as long as you can speak or sign even, you have it in you, it is not a genetic thing to be shy or introverted. It is mostly some level of socialization and programming and imprinting from parents and things like that. And, of course, the majority of it is the stuff we tell ourselves that we are not worthy of and that we are not good at. And we have an enormous list of what we\'re not good at, I can\'t dance, I can\'t sing, I\'m not good at math. I don\'t like public speaking. I can\'t sell all of these things. None of these things is anything but truths that we have made true by telling ourselves these things. And so, I started off as an incredibly shy person, I couldn\'t ask your girl on a date, I couldn\'t ask a girl to dance. And this is how old I am as people asked each other to dance. But , and even in work situations, I couldn\'t, somebody tried to give me a job as a salesman, I was working in their business, tried to give me a job in the sales department and said, here\'s a phone, here\'s a desk, start calling all these people and see if they want to do business with, I couldn\'t dial the phone one time. And so, I was like, back to the machine shop floor. That\'s where I ended up. And I\'m really frustrated. Because I said, why are people like this? Why are bold people because I see them in action? I see them doing stuff. Why are they like this? Why doesn\'t rejection affect them? Why? Why are they not stopping themselves, I\'m stopping myself everywhere? And so, I just started to emulate them, even though it was really
uncomfortable to do it. And what I did is I gradually built this positive feedback loop by being bold, acting confident when I wasn\'t, and not letting my fear stop me. And it just increased the number of situations that I was comfortable in. And it just got better and better and better and better. It took decades. And so, I decided how do I learn? How did I change myself? Because it didn\'t change my personality. It allowed me to bring my full self out in every situation where I wanted to. And so, I looked at how I did it and I brought it into a system and away that somebody can really compress the process and have the skill to apply it to get their bowl this muscle stronger and stronger and stronger for the rest of their life, I\'m getting bolder all the time still. But when I start to hesitate, I know what to do, not to listen to the voice in my head. And I know how, step by step to instantly act. It\'s like a process of like, do this, this and this, and then just step up and speak up and act. So, it\'s anybody can learn it, you can learn.
Marlana
So, then, talk to us a little bit about what that process looks like.
Fred
So, what I\'ve created in the book is a method called the PRIDE method. And it\'s an acronym, but I also like the word because I tell people, why wouldn\'t you want to live a life that you were proud of, instead of a life of regret, of missed opportunities and hesitation, and things gnawing at you because you wish you try them or said them. And this is the number one thing people say, on there, on their last days or on their deathbed. It\'s not the things they don\'t regret anything they did. They all always regret the things they didn\'t do, the things they didn\'t say, I didn\'t tell my wife, I loved her enough, I didn\'t heal my relationship with my sister, instead, let it just drift away for 20 years. Those are the things they regret I should have quit that job earlier, I should have, started that business, whatever, this is what they do. So, I want people to live a fulfilling satisfying life. That\'s what the book is about chase your dreams, as best you can with confidence and boldness. So, the pride method, there\'s a long intro to that, obviously. But the pride method is the acronym is preparation, relaxing, insight, dosage, and everyday action.
I\'ll break each one of them down is do the first step, preparation. We don\'t think we have to prepare for social situations, which is really bizarre. We don\'t, and so good. The beginning of my book, a good portion of the beginning of my book is social skills, communication skills, how to talk to somebody, how what things mistakes people make when they\'re meeting somebody or introducing themselves to somebody or presenting themselves doing all of those things that they feel are socially challenging because they\'re doing stuff wrong because nobody taught them. I mean, people aren\'t taught how to shake hands or make eye contact. Or ask open-ended questions and off and be interested in people. So that first step is, and I\'ll use an example of you, you want to talk to some a stranger. And this could be in the Starbucks line, because all you\'re trying to do is build your boldest muscle, right? So, you\'re going to do an exercise and you say, hi, I\'m going to talk to this person in front of me in the line. So, what are your first thing you\'re going to do is prepare yourself, you\'re going to prepare what your gonna say. And the easiest thing is to say, a compliment. Very few people are offended by compliments. We all think we have to be so witty and clever and interesting. But we don\'t have to be any of those things. We just have to be nice and interested in people. So, you just say wow, that beard looks terrific on you or that suit looks great or that handbag just go so well with your whole outfit. You\'ve prepared that and
just say it and then you the other preparation is to not have an outcome in mind. Not have some sort of agenda, some hidden agenda.
I want to tell you this story because it happened to me last week, as I was getting in my elevator, and there was a mom and her young daughter, she was maybe four and she had her bike and her helmet on, and our helmet had all this funny dinosaur design on it. And so, I said I really liked your helmet. She says, oh yes, it matches my bike. I said, do you want to push my floor? And because kids love to push the elevator buttons. So, she said yes. I said it\'s number four. And so, she says, Oh, you\'re only one floor away from us. We can come up and visit. And I thought when did that that was, so it was so sweet. And when did that change when did we stop being like that? But what was what worked for her? Why it was so appealing is there was no hidden agenda. There was no, if I was doing that with an attractive woman in the elevator and I said, hey, we\'re only one floor apart, I can come up and visit sometime. She would. Yeah, right, get me out of this elevator. So, because there would have been a perceived agenda to it. So, when you do this, the part of your preparation is just, it\'s I\'m just going to be generous with the compliment. That\'s all. That\'s all I\'m trying to do.
The next thing you\'re going to do the R in pride is relax, you\'re going to relax yourself. Now, nobody teaches you how to do that. Either. They say just relax, like and you say, if I could do that I would. Not to mention, now you\'re telling me I looked nervous, which makes me more nervous. I was already nervous. But now I know it shows. So, there are very simple things you can do to relax yourself. The first thing, check your physiology. Because we tense up, we slow we hold our breath sometimes even. And so, the idea is you are your arms crossed, what are you doing? Physically notice it, and release it, shake it off. And then breathe, just take two or three deep breaths, I\'ll do this, if I\'m going on stage with a big audience, 1000 5000 people, I\'m backstage and I want to bring full energy, no anxiety. So, I take three really deep breaths before I go on stage. And it relaxes you it works on your nervous system. And there\'s actually more techniques I teach in the book. But they work. And it\'s the same process of when somebody notices you\'re nervous, it makes you more nervous. When you start to relax yourself. You say to yourself, oh, I am I\'m in control, I can actually it makes you more relaxed. You say like, I\'m dialing it back and it\'s working. And then you that now it\'s energy to tap into. And so, you\'re relaxed.
Now the next insight is what bowled people, there\'s several insights that I talked about in the book, but they are social insights. This one is people are not thinking about you anywhere near as much as you think they are. They\'re thinking about themselves, they may, and the other thing is they are having a judgment about you just like you are having about them based on practically nothing. Right? They don\'t actually know you. So, they\'re judging you by your height, your weight, your hairstyle,\\xa0you\\u2019re\\xa0clothing. I have found I\'m wrong about 90% of the time where I when I start like and so bold people don\'t worry about what other people think of them, they say this thing, which is really fascinating. These other people\'s opinion of me is none of my business, which is an amazing transition. In your mindset. There\'s a small group of people whose opinions really matter to them. And the rest of them they don\'t worry about it\'s what people tell me, oh, everybody\'s gonna laugh at me, really everybody, and them all and they know you. And that makes you, something that somebody who should feel insignificant or weird or humiliated. Who are these people? Why it\'s interesting.
Marlana
It\'s interesting. Let me just interject this because I heard once somebody say, if you have a problem with me, then call me if you don\'t have my number, then you don\'t know me well enough to have a problem. And it\'s that kind of a thing. Because, like you said, you so many people that we worry about, why are we worrying?
Fred
And that\'s what I mean. It\'s a real insight, like an epiphany, like, what, why am I is and so you ask yourself, when like, it\'s that very specific line, they\'re all gonna laugh at you. Ask yourself, could that possibly be true? They\'re going to be 10 reactions to you most likely, or if there\'s 100 People could be 100 reactions. When I\'m on stage. There\'s going to be people who think I\'m brilliant is going to people think I\'m funny. People who think I have valuable insights. People who think I\'ve heard all this before, and people think I\'m an idiot. So, I don\'t worry about the people who think I\'m an idiot. I can\'t get everybody. Just like a standup comic. He\'s not going to make everybody laugh. She\'s not going to have the whole audience with her. She\'s, she\'s aiming for the majority, and is not worried about and it\'s not even more if a joke doesn\'t work. She doesn\'t have to kill herself. She just goes to the next joke. It\'s a very powerful thing. It\'s like I don\'t have to own the joke. I don\'t have to own what happens, what I did. And I like to get this across to us that being embarrassed is a choice. First of all, dying of embarrassment is not a reality, is not a medical reality. So, it\'s, it\'s an interpretation of the events and deciding how to feel about something. And as a woman, you\'ll appreciate this story, because a friend of mine is a terrific speaker.
She was on stage, big audience. And she breaks her heel. Now, yes, that\'s horrifying to do, which he\'s got another 90 minutes to do. And of all the women in the audience are like this, oh, my God, I pray that would never happen to me, I because they\'ve all broken heel somewhere, somehow. So instead of running off the stage, or just panicking, or whatever, she\'s she looks down, kicks her shoes off and says, I guess I gotta start spending more than 30 bucks on shoes. That, first of all the audience, because they were so nervous for now, they burst out laughing. And she owns them at that point, because she\'s just, she\'s rolled with it. She\'s decided not to interpret it as bad. She decided to make it fun.
Marlana
So, in a situation like that, let me ask you is, is it beneficial for our psyche? To get people to laugh with us? Then add us?
Fred
There\'s nothing wrong with having people laugh at you. Because in a way, if you\'re trying to make them laugh, and they\'re laughing at you, it\'s just funny. There\'s nothing wrong with being laughed at, if there\'s a cruelty to it. I mean, I think the lowest life form in the world is a bully. Yeah, and, and all of bullying comes from gross inadequacy. And so, that\'s another insight you can have too, as a young person, as if we\'re teaching a young person about bullies, I\'d say, why he does that, because he feels so insignificant, that he\'s got to make you less than him. And so, feel sorry for him. By the way, and here\'s how you punch it back in the notes. There\'s a little sidebar on self-defense. But that\'s somebody is somebody being cruel, I get no tolerance for cruelty. And people are, online, they really enjoy being cruel and stuff like that. And its low life behavior, and you\'re gonna learn to regret it. And that\'s what I
actually tell people, also younger people are that one of the things you\'re gonna regret most in life is the times you were cruel. And so be careful.
Marlana
Any quick tips for when we are online, let\'s say because it\'s very easy for people to sit on the other side of a screen anonymously and spout out all the things that we would be insecure about? Is there a way to flip the script in our minds so we can continue to be bold and still put ourselves out there? Or is that just kind of all part of this?
Fred
Step one is don\'t engage because one, you\'re not going to convince them to think differently, ignorant people like being ignorant, right? there\'s a comfort to it, because they don\'t have to let any new information and they like to, the reason they have to hold their position so strongly is they\'re so insecure about it. It\'s why, I won\'t get it, I won\'t go in that direction. I was gonna go in the whole direction of religion, which is a giant sidebar. But all you can do is do like this woman, did they say something really mean or sarcastic? Or,
insulting? You just, I just put like, a Laugh Emoji up. Like, yeah, that\'s funny. That\'s funny that you would think I don\'t, I\'m not gonna say that. It\'s amazing that you think that it\'s or I\'m fascinated that that\'s how you process information, or whatever, I\'m just gonna laugh. Yeah. And I will not engage because that\'s what they\'re hoping for. And, and when you rise above that, it\'s the, when you take the high road and say, Yeah, I\'ll let other people call you an idiot, which is what some people will do. They\'ll just get right on and say, buddy, you\'re so off. And I pity you because this is how you need to express yourself; And so, I think the real trick online is to not engage, let other people speak up for you. But don\'t give them the satisfaction that you even read it. If it\'s really bad, just leave it there. Just let them embarrass themselves. Yeah.
Marlana
Okay, continue on.
Fred
I\'m sorry, I didn\'t know, I think it\'s really important to understand because so much of it goes on. If you have any influence in the world out there, if you have, if you are moving up in the world, in terms of your reputation and recognition, it\'s coming at you. So, you, you have to find a way one to not take it on and just feel bad for the person that that\'s how they need to that cowardly way that they need to express themselves. There\'s no reason to say anything. And there are times when some people will write something directly to me. The other really important thing is, don\'t answer that day. Do not answer immediately put a gap in between put time and space between your reaction so that you can, because the question is, what do you want the outcome to be by your, by your response? It\'s very seldom what it would be by your reaction. Very true, yeah, the wisdom in life is to put that pause in between stimulus and response between reaction and response. it is where all your growth can occur, where communication can actually happen. I do that with emails where people really like to frustrate me, and I say, Yeah, what that email, the My response is not going out. And the next day, I have a measured response, calculated for what I want the outcome to be. So that there\'s that too. So, the insights and these are all insights in terms of how to communicate effectively. But the other insight that is important
is what bold people know is that 99% of the time, nothing bad happens, unless you decide to label it that way, like breaking your heel. One of the...
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