Sometimes We Lose It (with guests Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright)
b'Sometimes we lose it. Really lose it. We\\u2019re not talking \\u201cHow many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes on\\u201d in a slightly elevated tone. We\\u2019re talking\\u2026 well, Dr. Stuart Shanker calls the emotional state in question \\u201cred brain,\\u201d and you get the picture.\\nWhen we\\u2019re in red brain, yelling can actually feel pretty good. It\\u2019s also singularly ineffective. Here\\u2019s how Dr. Alan Kazdin of the Yale Parenting Center explains it:\\n\\nIf the goal of the parent is catharsis\\u2014 I want to get this out of my system and show you how mad I am\\u2014 well, yelling is probably perfect. If the goal is to change something in the child, or develop a positive habit in the child, yelling is not the way to do that.\\n\\nBut clamping down on our anger isn\\u2019t effective, either\\u2014 in fact, studies prove that attempting to do so actually increases our sympathetic nervous system responses and makes us feel more angry.\\nSo this is all pretty tricky. But in this episode we discuss:\\n\\ntechniques for recognizing red brain before we\\u2019re in it\\nwhy we sometimes treat strangers better than our loved ones\\nMargaret\\u2019s \\u201cself-doghouse\\u201d technique\\nhow to properly make it up to our kids after we blow up\\n\\nAnd after discussing what NOT to say, Amy discusses what TO say to our kids with with Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright, the authors of Now Say This: The Right Words To Solve Every Parenting Dilemma. \\nHeather and Julie explain their extremely effective \\u201cALP\\u201d technique for communicating with our kids\\u2014 Attune, Limit-Set, Problem-Solve. They also explain the importance of \\u201cthe repair set\\u201d and modeling emotional health for our kids, particularly after we have not been our best selves.\\nHere\\u2019s links to some of the other research and studies discussed in this episode:\\nMargaret\\u2019s surprisingly useful \\u201cfamily doghouse\\u201d plaque\\nStephen Marche for NYT: Why You Should Stop Yelling At Your Kids\\nKelly for Happy You, Happy Family: Why Every Parent Should Know the Magic 5:1 Ratio \\u2013 And How to Do It \\nDr. Karen Leith et al for Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Why Do Bad Moods Increase Self-Defeating Behavior? \\nDr. Ralph Erber et al: On being cool and collected: Mood regulation in anticipation of social interaction.\\nSue Shellenbarger for the Wall Street Journal: Talking to Your Kids After You Yell\\nand our episode on yelling, which is kinda the same but kinda different.\\xa0\\nLearn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices'