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"Pray to the airwaves," the oracle said, insisting that we must not do this match. "Smash Fiction will fall. All of podcasting will fall. Trust not in Patrons. Honor the gods. But not the gods of thinking. Just the gods of yelling."

Well, to quote King Leonidas himself when faced with a similar situation, "an epic sneer that, could it be heard out loud, would definitely sound weirdly Scottish!" In other words, fuck wisdom and fuck the Carneia, we have to decide which idealized fictional version of the historic Spartans would win in an even fight, 300 on 300, at Thermopylae! Because while Leonidas may command a fighting force that includes both Faramir from Lord of the Rings\\xa0and Magneto, before him stands a company of Daenerys Targaryen\'s Unsullied, aligned in perfect lockstep and led by Grey Worm himself. In a battle of phalanx formations and fearlessness between the hyper-masculine and the no longer functionally male, only one army can survive, while the other dines in hell (a meal that presumably includes\\xa0unborn puppies, honeyed dormice, and whatever other awful foods George R. R. Martin feels like spending a full page describing).

To be certain, we are but humble podcast hosts and know little of the ways of war. Which is why we picked out 300 experts in both fictional and non-fictional history to be our personal bodyguards while we *sarcastic cough* just stretch our brains a bit. Unfortunately, most of them died in training and only Race for the Iron Throne\'s Steven Attewell was able to kill a child in front of its mother, but still, we\'re pretty sure he\'s enough. Can he help Miles finally take down both Zack Snyder and Frank Miller? Or will Liz Logan\'s obsession with abs carry her, once again, to eternal glory?