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Through a complicated series of events that could only have sprung from the sick and convoluted mind of Judge Miles, two of fiction's most adventurous, sex-crazed swashbucklers have found themselves marooned in a seedy criminal port city, and there's only one magical item that can get them out again! Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood's greatest time agent who is, of course, displaced in time, has discovered that the item lies somewhere inside the local crime lord's tower headquarters, and intends to use it to return to his own time to help fight off yet another alien invasion of London. But his rival, the well-known pirate of the Carribean as well as various mythologies, Captain Jack Sparrow, has also learned the item's location, and believes it can free him from the cursed gold coin that he couldn't help but pocket before leaving the Isla de Muerta. Which immortal Captain Jack can breach the tower walls, take out or sneak past the guards, seduce anyone in the immediate vicinity, and beat the other to the fabulous treasure?

Hannah Pascoe and Sharon Schneiderman return to answer the most important questions of pansexuality and pirating! Also, Miles may have been reading too much of a certain book series recently, Dan tries his hand at a new kind of evolutionary biology, and MeganBob breaks out the dreaded Barrister Voice!