Why Conflict is Critical (John & Julie Gottman, PhDs)
\u201cEvery single human being is a pack animal. That's what we are biologically. We would die if we didn't depend on each other. Saying what you need is a form of connecting with your partner and saying, let's be a team. Can you serve me in this way? Can I trust you to have my back? Because I've got yours. And I want to be there for you. The other thing that people don't realize is that when they ask their partner for something they need, what they're doing is saying to the partner, you are my chosen one. You are my confidant. You are the person I trust more than anybody to be there for me. And the other person may feel very honored by that, actually. What that person is saying is you are trustworthy. You are the person that I know has the strength and the resources to be there for me.\u201d\nDoctors John and Julie Gottman are two of the most famous and popular couples therapists in the world\u2014not only because of their ability to impart relationship-saving and relationship-strengthening advice, but because of John Gottman\u2019s decades of reearch in the so called \u201cLove Lab,\u201d where he observed couples over time and could predict\u2014with a dizzying level of success\u2014who was destined to divorce.\nIn short, the Gottmans are the world\u2019s leading relationship scientists, having gathered data on thousands of couples\u2014they then use those findings to train clinicians and create simple principles for couples around the world.\nIn their latest book, Fight Right, they explore conflict\u2014something we\u2019re all trained to avoid at all costs. Their point though, which their research supports, is that conflict is essential for healthy relationships, clearing out the brush of stagnant resentments and deepening bonds.\nIn today\u2019s conversation, we explore everything from fighting styles\u2014there\u2019s avoiders, validators, and volatiles\u2014along with our tendency to start conflict harshly because we feel like we need a lot of ammo to justify the rupture and make our point. And then we move to modes and paths of repair, along with what their latest research can tell us about infidelity and its root cause. I loved this conversation, which we\u2019ll turn to now.\n\nMORE FROM JOHN & JULIE GOTTMAN:\nFight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection\nThe Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy\nThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work\nThe Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach to Relationships\nGottman Relationship Quiz: How Well Do You Know Your Partner?\nFind a Gottman Trained Therapist\nFollow the Gottman Institute on Twitter and Instagram\n \nTo learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy\n \n Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices