EP 90: Get Out of Over-Responsibility and Stop Taking On Other Peoples Stuff with Candace
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This episode is about helping people instead of being a savior. Candace is a health practitioner suffering from work-related anxiety. She is wondering how to decrease the amount of anxiety that comes from feeling responsible for helping people, and she questions whether or not she is good enough to truly help them. We cover why we should not take on the responsibility of helping others, why it\u2019s important to be of service, and not a savior, and what is truly at the root of a desire to help or save others.
[For show notes go here: Christinehassler.com/episode90]
I asked Candace why she worked in a health and service position. She said it makes her feel she has a purpose. Having a purpose is wonderful, but when your purpose is tied to core issues from your past \u2014 you are attempting to heal through your work \u2014 you will perpetuate an unhealthy attachment to your work, and you may suffer from anxiety or not-enoughness.
Her unresolved hurts around her emotionally unavailable parents are creating a huge attachment to her work, and anytime we have huge attachment, we feel a huge burden of responsibility, which creates self-doubt, because we are taking on way too much responsibility. We become saviors instead of truly being of service.
It\u2019s not our responsibility to make sure people change, and it is not our responsibility to make sure they don\u2019t suffer. I know it hurts to watch other people suffering, but we can not take away other people\u2019s pain.
By holding a space for the suffering, instead of taking it on, we can truly help by way of compassion. The more comfortable we get with our own suffering, the more we can hold a space of love and compassion for others.
If we take on the belief that it is our responsibility to fix someone, then we assume they are broken, and not equipped to heal themselves. One of the biggest gifts we can give to others is to see them as whole, and having all the inner resources they need. People save themselves.
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Consider/Ask Yourself:
\u25cf Do you enjoy helping people? Do you find yourself overinvested in making sure they change or heal?
\u25cf Does your sense of worthiness or value come from being needed by others or helping others?
\u25cf If you are in a helping profession, do you ever feel like a fraud, or like you don\u2019t have what it takes to truly help?
\u25cf Do you suffer from anxiety at work, or do you ever feel depleted or drained after being with someone who is struggling or suffering?
Candace\u2019s Question:
Candace wants to free herself from the anxiety she feels from her alternative health work.
Candace\u2019s Key Insights and Ahas:
\u25cf Helping people gives her purpose.
\u25cf She had to beg for attention as a child.
\u25cf She is trying to give others the attention she didn\u2019t get as a child.
\u25cf She feels emotionally drained at the end of the day.
\u25cf She is continuing to do to herself what her parents did to her.
\u25cf She has anger towards her father.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
\u25cf She should recognize it is not her responsibility for her patients to get better or for her to fix them.
\u25cf She should stop projecting her fears onto the people, and give them the dignity of their process.
\u25cf She should make a list of her new beliefs about her clients.
\u25cf She should make a list of self-care practices she will start, stop, and modify.
\u25cf Use Expectation Hangover to work through forgiving her parents.
Action Steps:
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\u25cf Give your younger self the attention and love he or she needs.
\u25cf Move into forgiveness of anyone from your past who is reinforcing a negative pattern of taking on responsibility.
\u25cf Get crystal clear on what your responsibility is, and what is not your responsibility.
\u25cf Up your self-care game. Pick one thing you want to stop doing, one thing you want to start doing, and one thing you want to modify or change. Do it for 40 days.
\u25cf Share this episode if you feel someone else could benefit from hearing this information.
Resources:
\u201cHow to Not Take on Someone Else\u2019s Pain\u201d Blogpost
Coaches Corner \u2014 How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Inner Circle Membership Community
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